Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Told him the same thing. lol Sparkie.. Although my mind could never go that way. I think he's just an ass. lol Think it makes him feel good. Feeds his ego. I'm not sure what her deal is.
Spark1111 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 A large part of me feels they are just feeding each other's ego and flirting around. The other part of me KNOWS that's how it starts. My husband and I were both married to other people when we met...lmao crazy. So this is how you institute proper boundaries....so no one gets confused about what they are.... YOU respond to her with her seeing he is one every text and email. he does NOT get to circumvent you when it comes to YOUR family. And he does the same with his family. YOU TWO are a united front....NO SECRETS, no going around the other married partner. That is what the strongest, best marriages do....Present a UNITED front so no one sneaks through.....ever. 1
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 That's one of my biggest problems. We have different background(cultures) and have fought through hell and high water to be together. We were a VERY united front. Part of the reason why it hurts. Like taking to you though Sparkie Feeling so much better to have talked to someone other than him.
Spark1111 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Told him the same thing. lol Sparkie.. Although my mind could never go that way. I think he's just an ass. lol Think it makes him feel good. Feeds his ego. I'm not sure what her deal is. Nip it in the bud....IT STOPS today. The minute a third party realizes all is shared between married partners and there are NO SECRETS from each other....the quicker the potential interloper just scurries away.... teach BOTH of them a lesson. Step UP TO the batter's plate. Assert your marriage and it's boundaries every chance you can, friend. 1
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Talking lol Sorry for grammar, punctuation, etc. I really am quite good at english but not for past week. LOL
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I agree Sparkie. If you knew me you'd know I've been ASSERTING for about 3 days now. lol Rule after rule. Sarcastic comment every chance available. Believe me I will be the first one to say that I am a REAL bitch. He pays everyday and will until I feel better. He's already very sorry lmao
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 You are right betrayed that's what brought it to a head. That's also why it's killing me to know what they said. It will either put me at ease or likely end my marriage. Do I want to know????
AnotherRound Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'm wondering if she is really just looking for a male role model in her life? I mean, was she in foster care? Adopted out and had a rough go? I'm not saying that you are wrong in your gut - just wondering if maybe you (and even he???) have misinterpreted this young girl's motives here? Maybe she never had a father figure and feels connected to him? Either way, if you are uncomfortable, it needs to be addressed, absolutely. But I thought you said Great Niece, meaning a generation between - and a HUGE age difference? If so, maybe it really is innocent? I have no idea why he deleted the texts... you said he isn't really tech savvy - maybe it was an accident? I don't know - something just seems off about this to me, like maybe there is something really separate from any kind of weird relationship going on? Has your H been dishonest with you in the past? Had previous affairs? Is there a reason that this is what you think is going on instead of something more innocent? 1
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Yes another round, she did have a rough go which is why I didn't freak on her. I think she does need someone. H has never cheated or been dishonest before. That's why when I found the deletes I was mad. No accident on deletions because at first her name stayed and content was deleted then everything was deleted and I found out through phone bill. I feel that there is both going on. Him being helpful in a too flirty way and her sucking up attention she missing. But she is also doing it very flirty. Would you do a dirty dance standing in front of your uncle and grinding?? He's seated but I was in kitchen. I know she didn't mean anything but she has difficulty with appropriateness. Am I making excuses for them???
Lillyfree Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 OP's husband did have an affair, with HER. maybe where the mistrust comes from? i'm also confused by op's attitude towards her niece - that her immediate reaction is to view her as a rival instead a part of family. but i'll say it again - your husband shouldn't hide anything from you, and shouldn't feel the need to either. i would try to be more positive and engage more in welcoming your niece back into the family, and helping her reconnect.
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Yes Another round it does seem off which is why we argued and fought. I never said she is not allowed around for visits or anything like that. I just told him I need to know that he will now be very careful in all dealings with her. No looks, no touching, keep his distance. I told him I'm not going to watch over him or stay by their side to keep an eye, but I will be on the phone bill and computers ( which I'm pretty good with) and if he ever gives me slightest bad feeling again I am done. I also told him she is blood so she will be staying in my life. He is not and if he doesn't do right, he's out
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Lilly I will tell you again, this was not my immeadiate thought or action. She lived with me for six months. After about 3 months is when I started telling my husband to cool it. another 2 months go by and the texts are still continuing. Now I'm starting to get mad and say to him to stop. Bear in mind during this time when she is living with me, he is changing. Now he stays up in the front with her instead of coming to bed. I hear them talking and them the talking gets quieter. All of a sudden he's outside tanning, making sure his hair is cut, getting dressed up instead of casual. I could go on and on. I gave them benefit of the doubt many times and told myself not to think such terrible things. But almost a year later, my gut is screaming at me. I don't want it to be and that's why I feel if I address my husband I can cut it off. Whatever it is, it gives me feeling of betrayal big time whether it is innocent or not
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 So she's been secretly communicating with your H (and he's gone along with it) and you're not going to have a frank discussion with her about how inappropriate they've been? Why not? You need to be honest with her! She can also learn to grow from her bad behavior. But not if you don't tell her straight up that she's been inappropriate and so has your H. Standing side by side with arms around each other is a huge red flag too! Get the history from his texts - I've heard there's apps that can retrieve to text messages. Block her from his phone. But tell her first she violated trust with bad behavior and loose boundaries. She's trouble - but learn from the error of inviting others into your home. How would your H like it if that were a male and you were flirting and getting close to him...then taking it further in secret? Your H needs consequences... He needs to be scared of losing you. He's acted like a douche and is sorry he got caught - I don't think he's sorry he did this to you. Leather way - he disrespected and disregarded you - and trust is also broken. You need counseling to see why he thought it was ok - and for him to learn how to become a man of honor.
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Never viewed her as a rival, mot now or then. I view her as a confused little girl that I love and want to be close to, but she seems to be going out of her way to be close to him and not me. I love her and would give him up over her. I feel it is up to him to set the tone for their relationship not her. The tone he is setting now is inappropriate. If I truly believed it was something worse, we would be done. My basic problem is I told him to stop, he continued and then tried to hide it. What would come to your mind???????????? 1
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Lilly I will tell you again, this was not my immeadiate thought or action. She lived with me for six months. After about 3 months is when I started telling my husband to cool it. another 2 months go by and the texts are still continuing. Now I'm starting to get mad and say to him to stop. Bear in mind during this time when she is living with me, he is changing. Now he stays up in the front with her instead of coming to bed. I hear them talking and them the talking gets quieter. All of a sudden he's outside tanning, making sure his hair is cut, getting dressed up instead of casual. I could go on and on. I gave them benefit of the doubt many times and told myself not to think such terrible things. But almost a year later, my gut is screaming at me. I don't want it to be and that's why I feel if I address my husband I can cut it off. Whatever it is, it gives me feeling of betrayal big time whether it is innocent or not I think they had sex.
Lillyfree Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 ah. *that* is how his behaviour changed... tell him to stop acting like an old fool or you'll sign him up for jerry springer (if that thing's still going...) all the best anyway. i hope all this gets sorted and cleared up, and i hope you end up having a great relationship with your niece. my aunt was and still is one of my best friends. 1
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Never viewed her as a rival, mot now or then. I view her as a confused little girl that I love and want to be close to, but she seems to be going out of her way to be close to him and not me. I love her and would give him up over her. I feel it is up to him to set the tone for their relationship not her. The tone he is setting now is inappropriate. If I truly believed it was something worse, we would be done. My basic problem is I told him to stop, he continued and then tried to hide it. What would come to your mind???????????? Simple - he needs a lie detector test ASAP. If he won't - then he's out!
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 2Sunny, I agree 100% but after 3 days of going at it with him and him saying he did nothing wrong, he finally gave in and agreed it was wrong. Still saying (swearing on everything, which is very serious to him and me) that nothing EVER happened. I believe him and know that is true. He has spent the last 2 days kissing up and telling me he loves me and he's sorry he hurt me. All I really wanted was for him to own it and he has...I can move on from here...But I had to get it out...lol tell someone and release it....so here I am..
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 2Sunny, I agree 100% but after 3 days of going at it with him and him saying he did nothing wrong, he finally gave in and agreed it was wrong. Still saying (swearing on everything, which is very serious to him and me) that nothing EVER happened. I believe him and know that is true. He has spent the last 2 days kissing up and telling me he loves me and he's sorry he hurt me. All I really wanted was for him to own it and he has...I can move on from here...But I had to get it out...lol tell someone and release it....so here I am.. That would never be enough for me to turn a blind eye! Go read other threads - you will see that most cheaters say they didn't do anything. Then after evidence comes out - so does the tickle truth. Your H stayed up with HER instead of coming to bed with you! There's a reason! It points to sex... And if you don't find out truth - he's likely to keep doing it. Get a lie detector test! Get phone records! You can get them - go find out how! 2
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Thanks Lilly. Think I can handle it. I appreciate your help. I think I just needed to get it out and have some other views, you helped
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Really Sunny? Do you? What? Think they had sex? YES - I do! I'd bet big money on it. Did you ever shower? Lol Well, guess what? A quickie can happen while you're in the shower, at the market or running an errand. Don't be naive. He has all the signs of a guy who's cheated. 1
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 What I think truly is that he did try and she turned him down but they have been "friendly" ever since.
Author hurt and betrayd Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 What do you think of last post Sunny. I totally know what you are saying about the time thing,anyplace anywhere lol
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 What I think truly is that he did try and she turned him down but they have been "friendly" ever since. I doubt she would turn him down- since she's till been communicating with him after she left. Intent is EVERYTHING. Since it looks like here's evidence that he has acted like a guy trying to impress her - at the cost of YOUR feelings - that makes sense that he wanted her - and probably had him. He participated in a way that betrayed you. It all included lies, deception and cover up. He needs you to believe him - but he was still willing to hurt you further by bringing her back to the house. They've both played you as their fool. Stand up for yourself my dear! If you're not going to - who will? 1
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