betrayed

[hurt and betrayd]

So I had my suspicions on my husband since about a week after she came. Very long story short. I knew my husband was attracted to my long lost niece when she first came. He changed and tried to act very cool etc. This happened last spring. Anyway I called him out on it and of course he denied everything. I don't think she was interested but definitely enjoyed the attention and milked it. So fast forward 3 months she moves away. I notice on his phone texts to her that have been deleted. At this time we have a Good fight and I tell him no more contact...So months go by and one day he says to me your niece is coming down. I have not heard from here in months. So I say ok, but how do you know, he says she called me. She comes down and we are hanging out. I'm trying to be cool and not let it get tome. I leave the room and come back and they are standing looking at something side by side with their arms around each other. Not facing each other but just side by side. However they acted nervous. She leaves the next day but now I'm on the hunt. Out come the phone bills....I find out there have been either texts or call almost every month to her. I see one conversation at midnight for 25 minutes. The day she left I found out he texted her 3 times that day. I want to kill him so now comes the confrontation. He says they are only friends..claims he feels sorry for her. He swears he never touched her or did anything physical and I KNOW that they didn't but I still feel so betrayed and feel like I can't trust her or him. I have no one to talk to so I would really appreciate some feed back. I have told him that I will be on him and will know if he contacts her again so I am not worried about that. It bothers me that she texts him, talks to him and has never let on a word, in fact to this day she still contacts him over me. I don't want to make a huge family thing out of it since she just came into our lifes ( my family I mean , not my husband ) But WTF??? My husband has told me many times he's sorry and that he loves me and I'm freaking for nothing and that it is stopped, but it's driving me crazy to know what those deleted texts said. Help

[Artie Lang]

with your own niece?!

 

both of these people are sick.

 

I suggest you tell your niece there will be np further contact with her. you should inform her parents of her inappropriateness.

 

 

as for your husband..... well, that's basically up to you, but it does speak volumes about his character, or lack there of.

 

your own niece?! wow. just wow.

[ComingInHot]

Sometimes making these things "public" can bring them to a Shamefully abrupt halt.

 

She is a neice. She should be spending time w/her mother and father if she is "long lost" or JUST her Auntie for Only girl time.

 

Sounds like she was adopted out?

 

If that is so, you DON'T know her. You don't know how she was nurtured into what she has decided to become.

 

Sometimes blood has little to do w/our behaviors and/or choices...

 

Tell your husband that yu have records of the contact he has had w/her at the inappropriate times as well as frequency and that due to their obvious affinity for each other , you will, out of obligation to your sister or brother, forward the information for them to decide how the two of them should be handled.

Then wash your hands of it.

[hurt and betrayd]

Thank you for your replies. It makes me feel better. It's the wondering about what was said that kills me. I really badly want to know, but at same time I don't. At this point I am giving him "1" more chance as we have been together for many years and I know for certain that there was no sex involved, (although I'm sure it's not because of his lack of trying) That part I know because there has never been an opportunity. They never had any time alone. Once I had my suspicions I never gave opportunity. I'm not crazy or even the jealous type. Not with him or any man. But the sneaking......kills me

[Lillyfree]

So I had my suspicions on my husband since about a week after she came. Very long story short. I knew my husband was attracted to my long lost niece when she first came. He changed and tried to act very cool etc. This happened last spring. Anyway I called him out on it and of course he denied everything. I don't think she was interested but definitely enjoyed the attention and milked it. So fast forward 3 months she moves away.

 

did your husband admit initial attraction or do you have firm proof of it?

i will base my comments on the answer being no, that they were your doubts. if the answer's yes, i apologise and withdraw what i'm about to say.

 

I notice on his phone texts to her that have been deleted. At this time we have a Good fight and I tell him no more contact...So months go by and one day he says to me your niece is coming down. I have not heard from here in months. So I say ok, but how do you know, he says she called me. She comes down and we are hanging out. I'm trying to be cool and not let it get tome.

 

of course he's deleted the texts. your initial reaction with your husband and niece getting along was that there was sexual attraction. don't you think that's a bit wrong to start with?

 

my uncle and i have always got on great, even though we wouldn't see each other regularly, sometimes for a couple of years at a time. my aunt never suspected that he was attracted to me. he's family!

 

I leave the room and come back and they are standing looking at something side by side with their arms around each other. Not facing each other but just side by side. However they acted nervous.

again, see above. of course they'll be nervous, because you're as you say 'on the hunt' and watching them like a hawk.

 

She leaves the next day but now I'm on the hunt. Out come the phone bills....I find out there have been either texts or call almost every month to her. I see one conversation at midnight for 25 minutes. The day she left I found out he texted her 3 times that day. I want to kill him so now comes the confrontation. He says they are only friends..claims he feels sorry for her. He swears he never touched her or did anything physical and I KNOW that they didn't but I still feel so betrayed and feel like I can't trust her or him. I have no one to talk to so I would really appreciate some feed back. I have told him that I will be on him and will know if he contacts her again so I am not worried about that. It bothers me that she texts him, talks to him and has never let on a word, in fact to this day she still contacts him over me. I don't want to make a huge family thing out of it since she just came into our lifes ( my family I mean , not my husband ) But WTF??? My husband has told me many times he's sorry and that he loves me and I'm freaking for nothing and that it is stopped, but it's driving me crazy to know what those deleted texts said. Help

 

i'm not surprised she contacts him. you're the aunt that could suspect your niece and husband having an affair, and requests there be no contact.

just can't get my head around that it would be what your first doubt is when two members of extended family get on well...

[hurt and betrayd]

from the time she came to our family. She was raised by her father. I seen my husband act differently I never said a word but as time went by they started to become "friendlier". Even before the first time i told him not to contact her, she always texted him. She would text me also here and there but not like with him. She also would talk about things that her boyfriend etc with him that I told them were not right. !. she hardly knows him 2. you have an aunt to talk about these things with. If it bothered her why wouln't she come to me? No said nothing and continued hidden contact. ????.

[hurt and betrayd]

I also never even looked or did anything until this last visit. Told him I didn;t like it. Also at first he didn't know how to erase her name from the text only the contents. This is part of my issue, if there was nothing said them better to leave it so i can see there id nothing. Am I right???

[hurt and betrayd]

You are focusing on the sex side of things. This is not my concern. If they had a sexual relationship he would be gone and no need for this conversation. It's the sneaking and hiding. I KNOW she doesn't want anything to do with him in that way. I still feel betrayed by both of them. Emotionally

[Lillyfree]

i believe he's done the wrong thing by hiding contact with your niece, after you've requested that they do not keep in touch.

 

 

as per my previous post, i also find it ridiculous that you would suspect an affair or attraction without much proof apart from him 'acting differently'.

 

maybe it's coming from my extended family always being quite close, and if someone suspected something like that going on THEY would be considered ones with issues.

[hurt and betrayd]

I understand completely what you are saying. And my problem AGAIN is the sneaking. Why hide if there is nothing to hide. I feel that they have connected EMOTIONALLY and are hiding that fact. If the connection is innocent then why would my husband continue even after he was asked not to. And let me clarify, I never told him not to talk with her but not to erase the texts. I told him if he has to erase what he is saying then it's something that shouln't be said

[hurt and betrayd]

I also want to clarify when I say in the first paragraph I called him on it,this means that after 3-4 months of watching him trying to impress her with stories. Showering and getting "dressed up" everyday and generally playing an old fool. She just liked the attention and I felt she was trying to connect but then it was like she was trying to connect with him alone. N ot her grandmother or rest of family. I have a brother her blood uncle and she has never texted or called him once.

[BetrayedH]

Hidden contact, physical contact, deleted texts, continued contact after you've objected. These are red flags. Your gut is screaming. I can tell you that most betrayed spouses here have learned to trust their gut. You should trust yours.

 

Unless you have an elaborate method of retrieving those texts (from the SIM card or the carrier), you'll probably never know the content of them.

 

The most advisable thing to do now is to STOP being the jealous wife, play utterly stupid, give him as much rope as possible, and quietly watch what happens.

 

Your husband has broken your trust. I would have a keylogger on his computer and a voice-activated recorder under his steering column. Figure out the truth.

[Lillyfree]

that's an absolutely valid point. he shouldn't hide anything if there's nothing to hide.

 

what i was trying to get across is that he feels he has to hide it because you requested no contact. so it could be very innocent, yet he feels he can't be honest with you about it...

 

you mentioned that she came to him with problems with her boyfriend - maybe she was looking for male insight? maybe she's the one contacting him first and he's taken on an advisor/protector role and feels obliged to respond? yet he knows that it will cause fights between you two so he chooses to hide it?

 

it's not a good situation in any case, whether it be innocent or not - again, i don't know which way it is. i was just trying to provide a different point of view.

[KathyM]

You need to instruct your husband about what the boundaries are in your marriage, since he doesn't seem to know/respect boundaries. Tell him his phone conversations and texting to your niece is inappropriate and gives her the wrong message. Tell him if she contacts him again, he is not to answer her calls or texts. Then tell her she is acting inappropriately to your husband and needs to respect boundaries. Tell her if she wants to talk, she should call you and not to contact your husband directly. Then tell her parents that she is behaving inappropriately to your husband, and they need to have a talk with her about respecting marital boundaries and not giving married men the wrong message.

 

And I would suggest you limit your visits with her. I sure wouldn't want someone interested in my husband to be staying at my home.

[hurt and betrayd]

She asked him whu the guys she's dating doesn't want to have sex with her ?????????? I only told him to stop the contact after he started to delete. Before that I used to tease him and make jokes or whatever to let him know that I Knew they were texting. Also Lily I really appreciate comments from all sides. It helps me to understand Thanks

[hurt and betrayd]

Thank you Kathy I have done all that. The only thing is that this has all gone on between me and him. She has no idea what's going on

[hurt and betrayd]

I have also told him if she call not to answer it. It has to show as a missed call and if she texts he is Not to erase it. I must be able to see it. He swears and promises that he will do say. He still says its all innocent and that he loves me and will not give me a reason to Question him again. I dealt with him. He know if it happens again I'm gone. What about her? Do I confront her? I lay most of the blame at my husbands feet but she also plays a role innocent or not.

[BetrayedH]

Unless you want to police your husband for the rest of your life, you need to understand that confronting never accomplishes anything except to show your cards. If there is an affair brewing, they just take it further underground. Once they know you're watching texts, they switch to gmail, or to a secret pre-paid phone, or use a work email account.

[hurt and betrayd]

ok, now I hate you betrayed. LOL, Never thought of it that way. My only saving grace is that he's pretty computer illiterate. I like a dummy set up most of his accounts. I unfriended her on facebook and am waiting to see what happens there. He doesn't know, waiting to see if they refriend.

[Spark1111]

I have also told him if she call not to answer it. It has to show as a missed call and if she texts he is Not to erase it. I must be able to see it. He swears and promises that he will do say. He still says its all innocent and that he loves me and will not give me a reason to Question him again. I dealt with him. He know if it happens again I'm gone. What about her? Do I confront her? I lay most of the blame at my husbands feet but she also plays a role innocent or not.

 

here is what NEEDS to happen.....

 

you tell your H that you will deal with your niece as she is YOUR family!

 

Any additional emails or texts, HE puts you as an obvious cc on it. ALL texts or emails are shared with you and SHE knows it.

 

You respond with advice, support, options and advice and HE CONCURS..... With whatever you suggest.

 

This starts today.

[KathyM]

Thank you Kathy I have done all that. The only thing is that this has all gone on between me and him. She has no idea what's going on

You need to have a talk with her and inform her of the boundaries (no personal phone conversations or texts to your husband). And have a talk with her parents as well. She is your niece. You need to instruct her that this is inappropriate.

[hurt and betrayd]

Thank you everyone you have helped me a great deal. I think she will get the message when she sees herself unfriended. I don't want her to know right now so I can see what her texts say. At this point I want to keep thing very quiet. My sister is trying to build a relationship with her daughter she never seen since she was 3mths. I don't want this stuff to stop that for both their sakes. I also cannot go to far because after all; even though I'm freaking out, I'm not ending my marriage and we all need to carry on. I love both of them and that's why I feel so betrayed:lmao:. I pray it is innocent, but my gut tells me different.

[BetrayedH]

I think it is ok to "trust but verify" at this point. But I'm not sure I would be quick to disregard those deleted texts. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He didn't delete them because they were innocent.

[Spark1111]

Thank you everyone you have helped me a great deal. I think she will get the message when she sees herself unfriended. I don't want her to know right now so I can see what her texts say. At this point I want to keep thing very quiet. My sister is trying to build a relationship with her daughter she never seen since she was 3mths. I don't want this stuff to stop that for both their sakes. I also cannot go to far because after all; even though I'm freaking out, I'm not ending my marriage and we all need to carry on. I love both of them and that's why I feel so betrayed:lmao:. I pray it is innocent, but my gut tells me different.

 

So you put it out there front and center today. his family, he counsels with YOUR input. YOUR family you counsel with his input. NO SECRETS!

 

And always TRUST your gut. Take the lead and make sure he is an obvious cc on every email from now on....She will get it and so will he.

 

can you imagine his reaction if you were responding to his young, single nephew in the very same manner?

[hurt and betrayd]

A large part of me feels they are just feeding each other's ego and flirting around. The other part of me KNOWS that's how it starts. My husband and I were both married to other people when we met...lmao crazy.