lovejack Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Background: I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 27. My boyfriend is from Hawaii and, during the 2+ years we've dated, he's mentioned how great it would be to show me all the great, beautiful places where he spent his youth (we both live in the Midwest). I have to say I've daydreamed about what it would be like to see such an exotic place! Other background is that my boyfriend and I are both very poor. The bf hasn't been back to Hawaii for at least six years and he does not see his parents very often (although they aren't particularly close). So, I get a text from my bf saying his parents want him to come to Hawaii in May for his brother's graduation and "you're welcome to come with, so we can talk about paying for it." He never seemed that excited about the idea of me going on the phone, although he did tell me he "would love to show me Hawaii." My boyfriend does not outwardly show when he's excited because it's not in his personality, so I can't read into it. He asked me to look up ticket prices and said I would have to find a way to afford it if I wanted to come (I can afford it). The trip would be two weeks long and we would stay with his parents. My bf didn't mention anything about the trip for a few days (in fact, I'm the only one who ever brought it up), so I got really excited about the trip and did some research on a bunch of "must-see" Hawaii stuff. I reported back to him today with ideas of what I really wanted to see/do in Hawaii on skype today (we've been long distance for 2 months). I sent him a follow-up message asking if he would be willing to scuba dive or do a day trip to one of the other islands with me. He got really cold and said "Maybe you shouldn't go with me, if that's your agenda" and "The trip isn't about you, if you're planning on 'doing it right' and make it sound hectic as if you're trying to see everything in the entire state, then you're better off doing it as a family vacay or by yourself" and "i don't have a day-to-day itinerary and I'm done talking about it now." What on earth am I supposed to make of this? Is he frustrated because I'm treating this like a vacation for the two of us when he would prefer to treat it as me accompanying him to his brother's graduation? What do you make of the "this isn't about you" comment? If I'm going to pay $$$ to go to Hawaii, there is no way this isn't at least somewhat about me and what I want to see. If he wants me to just stay at his parents' house for two weeks, just eat his mom's cooking, and just do whatever is in walking distance of his house, then I feel like he should pay for my ticket. THEN it wouldn't be "about me." This whole exchange has left me feeling like crap for getting excited about going to Hawaii. What do you think the root of the trouble is here? Edited March 19, 2013 by lovejack
Author lovejack Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) (I'm pretty sure this is the right forum because I'm dating my boyfriend, right? Thank you all for your responses!) Edited March 19, 2013 by lovejack
mortensorchid Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I find that very strange. He invites you to HI (where he is from is really not the issue), and you want to do other things in this new place where you are going, and he doesn't like that? Because you want to do other things besides hang around with his family and friends? He did say he wanted to show you HI, I would expect that it would include other things than just them. Have you bought your ticket yet? I'd put that off until he brings it up again, unless you are leaving ASAP because HI is a commitment, it's not like you're going to be the next state over or something.
curlygirl40 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I honestly have no idea what's making him act like this but I'm gonna take a stab at it. I'm thinking it's money related. He's worried about all of the things that you want to do (and probably also thinking about all of the things he would really like to show you), and he knows that it all costs money and it's concerning him. Or maybe he's not that interested in showing you around and would just like to spend some time with his family that he hasn't seen in years. My ex husband grew up 1000+ miles away from where we met and were living (his job brought him here). Once a year we would go see his family and I couldn't get him out of that house to do anything! He wanted to sit in the LR and talk to his mom and his brother and order take out pizza. For a week. With the huge city of Chicago just a short train ride away. Made me insane. I'm not sure what to tell you. Hawaii is beautiful even if you don't get to do everything you want to do, it's a beautiful place to just drive around and catch the sights. Best of luck
dasein Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 His parents are paying for his ticket, he has no money to do anything else that might cost while there, and doesn't want you to figure this out, so is unnecessarily defensive. In your shoes, I'd resign myself to this being a very low budget trip or save your plane fare, some more cash, and go later when you can do some of the things you want to. There could be an element of family tension involved, even accommodation issues, which could be causing him to have second thoughts about bringing a guest. 2
Author lovejack Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Curlygirl, you do bring up really good points. Money is really tight for him and I know that this is, and is always, a big stressor for him. Perhaps my wanting to do all of these other things besides just being there, in the state of Hawaii, sound much too expensive for him? Even though he was raised there, there is a lot he hasn't done that a lot of tourists do because his family is poor. I guess it's still the "this isn't about you" comment that confuses me! He doesn't want to talk about it, so I can't just do that. (Wouldn't that be much easier than having to ask love advice websites? If only.) mortensorchid, to answer your question, we haven't bought tickets yet. I'll let the subject rest for a few days or wait for him to bring it up. Maybe he'll offer an explanation himself. If we are going, though, I just hope tickets won't cost much more closer to the date.
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I think it unreasonable of him to think that you're ONLY interest is to visit and be with his family during a trip of a lifetime for you. People don't make a first trip to HI w/o seeing the sights, scuba diving, visiting the rainforests, volcanoes, etc. For 2-weeks? I think that he's stressed, but also unreasonable. I think you should rationalize with him your desires as it is an expensive visit. Any host would understand your desire to see more of HI than just the family members. It's your choice of course, but I think that it would be a waste of money not to do some sightseeing if you can afford it.
Author lovejack Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Another thought: His family may ask questions about marriage or expect that we will be engaged soon for something. Or at least they'll ask him questions like if he intends to marry me and this is something we have discussed a little, but definitely have waaaaaaaaaay more to talk about before even considering it. So, the longer we date, the more tense it is that we haven't gotten closer to figuring out if we want "forever" together. Especially because I don't believe in sex before marriage, for personal reasons. That's tension. Sometimes, I wonder if any argument or misunderstanding or him being moody could possibly all come down to us not having sex! 1
curlygirl40 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 His parents are paying for his ticket, he has no money to do anything else that might cost while there, and doesn't want you to figure this out, so is unnecessarily defensive. In your shoes, I'd resign myself to this being a very low budget trip or save your plane fare, some more cash, and go later when you can do some of the things you want to. There could be an element of family tension involved, even accommodation issues, which could be causing him to have second thoughts about bringing a guest. Great post... good points I can see both of your sides. You're excited about going to Hawaii (who wouldn't be?!) and you're a planner and a dreamer and you're thinking about all of these cool things you could do while you're there. A totally normal response for a trip like this. He is concerned about money (and maybe embarrased about it) and also not sure how the dynamics are going to go with his family (that you said he's not close with). Meeting his gf for the first time, sleeping arrangements, being pulled in many different directions. He seems to have a lot of anxiety about it and that's why he's being short about the subject and doesn't want to talk about it. Even though I think your reaction is 'normal' (to be excited, etc.) I think if you decide to go you have to go and follow his lead. Look at this trip as a way to see an exotic place (even if you don't get to do as much as you'd like to do while you're there) and a way to meet his family and a way to spend some time with your boyfriend. If you look at it that way, then anything else will be a bonus. I have been to Hawaii and the best day I had there was just driving around and looking at the scenery. It's amazing. Didn't cost us anything (well, we rented the car). Keep us posted!
curlygirl40 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Especially because I don't believe in sex before marriage, for personal reasons. That's tension. Sometimes, I wonder if any argument or misunderstanding or him being moody could possibly all come down to us not having sex! Yes, you need to sleep with him to relieve this tension!! KIDDING. But again, he has a lot on his mind. Give him a break, I think.
reptilelover88 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I can understand him feeling uncomfortable about money or family dynamics. However, it seems to me that the bigger issue here is one of communication. You've been dating for '2+ years' yet he can't be honest and open with you about his expectations and desires for this trip? That seems very strange to me.
creighton0123 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Well... you two aren't joined at the hip, are you? Is there a reason why you can't do some fun, vacation things while you're there that do not involve him? Just a thought. Since he is from there, he might not exactly see visiting there as a vacation and to him, it might not be all that "novel and exotic", especially if the purpose of his going there is spending time with his family that he isn't really close to.
ComeUpOutDaWahta Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 One thing about guys, especially men who don't make much money (I've been there) is we tend to stress about finances during a relationship a lot. If I had to take a guess, I would think that him being upset was a result of him thinking that you're not being financially responsible, spending money that you two can't really spend at the moment. Not saying that that is a valid stance to have, plus the way he went about saying he wasn't keen on the idea was way out of line. He needs to come clean with whatever is really bothering him, and he also needs to apologize for talking to you that way.
ltjg45 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I personally can't excuse the way he is talking to you, despite he has legit concerns for it. If there is possible issues that can come up in this trip, why wouldn't he just tell you directly about his family or about he has no money? Why must he respond by saying that things that ends up bothering you at the end? I don't know about this. I doubt he's the kind of guy you want to settle down with in the near future because, apparently, he rather just "go cold" on you and be borderline insulting instead of just telling you his reasons as to why he is disagreeing with you.
truth_seeker Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Another thought: His family may ask questions about marriage or expect that we will be engaged soon for something. Or at least they'll ask him questions like if he intends to marry me and this is something we have discussed a little, but definitely have waaaaaaaaaay more to talk about before even considering it. So, the longer we date, the more tense it is that we haven't gotten closer to figuring out if we want "forever" together. Especially because I don't believe in sex before marriage, for personal reasons. That's tension. Sometimes, I wonder if any argument or misunderstanding or him being moody could possibly all come down to us not having sex! The more you date, the less likely you will get married to him. I say it all the time: dating someone for years and years is stringing the other along until they find someone more suitable.
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Seriously, he sounds emotionally constipated. That is no way to talk to a woman. I'm stealing this term. Love it! Yes, what disturbs me more than your immediate problem of the trip is his inability to express the root of his hostility. I surely wouldn't purchase the tickets. For now, I would make no further mention of the trip and wait for him to bring it up. Of course a trip like that is a big source of excitement for you! And I don't think you acted inappropriately at all. This is HIS problem. 1
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