in serious trouble... thinking of suicide.

[irish83]

Hi everyone.

 

I just joined this site tonight through pure desperation and needing to talk to someone outside of family.

 

Im in a real bad way ive messed everything up again.

 

Im trying to figure where to start. im 30 and at times suffer from depression for couple of years but u wouldnt think it if you meet me, well maybe past few days u would.

 

Last week i was working and as usual when i finished i called her right away and she said she was in her cousins house having a drink and i said no probs enjoy. she came to my mums house where i was staying that night all good. at the same time that day the landlord of our house was in painting along with his helper whom we are all friendly with.anyways next day i bump into the helper at lunch. i say no painting today kid??... He says been doing nothing all week aint done anything. so that means landlord was there without this other guy, just the two of them in house all day and she felt had to lie about 3 person being there.... why?

 

Thwn started thinking what else may be untrue... turns out she was not in cousins house but down in landlords but says the helper was down there too. says she lied to protect me but all had to do was say call in. my head was wrecked from then but i decided to trust and move on cos i need her more than she needs me.

 

Then on thursday night in house few people around and singings started etc everybody was having great time and im not good with people in that kinda surrounding but i was really trying. then she says i must text landlord just to let him know about the noise... i know there was no harm in that now but with me having few drinks it really agitated me...i went outside to calm down. went sat in the car... she kept asking whats wrong. i kept saying nothing holding it in but finally i said why did j text him... trying to keep in with him ... who cares what he thinks!!!

 

I dont know if this makes any sense to anybody.

 

I said before i was suffering from depression.. i was qhen i meet her but ive been trying to figure it out i think i put all my purpose into her.... all my time i wanted to spend with her... if she wanted a girls night out i would flip out cos i was afraid of losing her.

 

I dont want to paint a poor me picture here im not perfect and nor is she but just night before argument we sat saying those thkngs to eachother and everything was perfect..

 

I miss her so much... i cant eat... i dont know what to do. The night we fell out i thought about killing myself but forced myself to a and e just incase it was the drink.

 

I know ive mentioned drink a few times now.. me or her never drink that much. i cant really i think its just cos all my filters disappear and causes argument.

 

Its all my fault i do realise that now.... all i had to do was say nothing. just keep my mouth shut... my stupid drunk mouth shut.

 

Sunday was paddys day here. i lay in bed and she went out with her mates including the landlord and helper guys. i dont have any friends. never really wanted them. she was my friend. everything to me, her and her little girl who i love to bits. shes so happy im not there now. i just was so afraid of losing her. i know i was jealous. she was my purpose. the worst thing is i know i was wrong. i dont even want to get back with her now... i just want her to be happy, i cant make her happy its all ive thought about now for two years.. how to make her happy and want me always. its such a small town ill probaly bump into her everyday. i cant do that....

 

I have had several attemps in the past once when i found out she was flirting with guy on facebook... i cant take being cheated on or how people can be so so cruel...

 

Im laying here in bed so so sad... I have made a plan i just dont know what to do.

 

I dont mean to annoy anybody im just so desperate nothing makes sense.

 

Nothing will make it better... times when we fell out before all i needed to get better was us to get back. now even that wouldnt fix it.

 

Theres nothing left inside

 

S

[McGriff]

Get help man. You've got to get some help from a licensed therapist. Killing yourself is NEVER the answer! Life is precious. Your ego is getting the best of you and you are self destructing under the weight of a woman. You are not looking at the big picture. Man up, get some help tomorrow, and I promise you things will get better.

[destroyed4sho]

Get help and meds...

She is a cheat...Your going to have to be strong and struggle through all the stages of grieving. It gets better. I was where you were minus the thoughts of constant suicide. Now I am 3 months NC and much better. Give it time, get meds and keep posting and helping others on here in same situation.

Don't give up!! We are here for you.

[Logan oO]

I feel your pain, i was with a woman for over two years until last month (even through two years it was on and off every time she had an episode of crazyness) i gave up all my friends, family and job to go move and live with her, in the end looking back, it just isn't worth it. I've decided i'll find someone who likes me for me, and won't try to change me, and bend me to live how they think every guy should be. I accept the woman i get with, so i want only the same in return.

 

Now about yourself - Get that suicide crap out of your head, i know that is hard to hear, but it has to be said! how you can let some woman who right now deserves not one single ounce of feeling from you, she obviously does not give two craps about you and is doing as she wants. Believe me i KNOW how hard it is to drag yourself out of bed every single day to do the simplest of tasks, and the reason i am even replying to this very topic is that i'm tired of living for someone who does not care for my very existence!

 

Lately i have improved greatly, and you can too.

This woman will only continue to make things worse, everyone starts somewhere, you have to take her off of that pedestal that she is the perfect woman, because quite obviously she is most certainly not.

 

GIVE UP - ACCEPT THE SITUATION - DO THINGS YOU ENJOY OR USED TO - MOVE ON AND BE A HAPPIER BETTER YOU!

 

I am No Womans Puppet and i refuse to be dangled on a string any longer!, i am a man and i deserve the same amount of love and respect i give to someone!

 

So chin up dude, go seek therapy and some medication to help you through it.

 

Suicide is the cowards way out. Giving up something more precious than the love / hate of any woman is a waste. LIFE is about LIVING. Be thankful she has set you free so you can find someone who will always be there for you.

[crimsoncurrent]

My older brother committed suicide nearly three years ago, and I can tell you, suicide has a devastating effect on the survivors. My brother refused to get the necessarily help before committing suicide. At the time, he was going through a separation with his wife. He was the father of two children. Please, get help immediately. If necessary, check yourself into a hospital.

[Mack05]

Hoping geegirl/Taramaiden come to this thread.

 

Irish good to have another Irishman on here. Read this thread bro -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/375820-lost-girl-my-life-im-hopeless-depressive-suicidal-thinking

 

Hope it helps..

[Chi townD]

First no girl is worth ending your life over. NOT ONE! Do you know what will happened to her if you do? She'll feel sad and guilty for a while, but you know what? She'll get over it and move on having a happy life and you'll be six feet under and an afterthought.

 

Dude, get to the emergency room. Talk to someone.

[pink3000]

Hey

 

My brother went through a very very very similar situation and as hard as it was, things will get better. Things will get better. Please please believe that. When my brother thought all hope was lost, as the weeks passed, he began to heal. He is now in a relationship with the most caring and beautiful girl. Don't give up hope

[seriously-let-down]

I was dumped beginning of December, she'd got another man in over Xmas, I was heart broken. Your life is worth more than a broken relationship, I like you felt like ending it. I had nothing left. So I thought, I'm rebuilding, and one day my ex will realise what she lost. It's about, 1. me now and 2. Upset the lying b1tch. But 2 is a consequence of one, because I'm going to have a better life that I was working towards that she said had pushed her away. Now take it each day at a time, do something for you and think about yourself. Don't do anything stupid, they have never been worth it.

 

Chin up.

[bollixology]

Christ bud stop thinking like this, I am in the same boat as the above poster. My brother took his own life many years ago and believe me the pain that it will cause the rest of your family will never go away!!!

Look you must seek help to try and get yourself out of the pit that you are in at the moment. the mind is like any other part of the body sometimes it needs help to be fixed and you are in desperate need of that help.

I urge you to seek the help you need and don't do something that will hurt so many people for so long!!!

[immitable]

It looks like you need to start investing in YOU. It is rarely that I would advise people to be selfish but in your case you need to.

You need to start working on your inner demons see, you gave her too much power over you. You need to get to the root of the problem and ask yourself why do you have such low self esteem and since when has it been a problem. Try to eliminate all the people who bring negativity to your life and surround yourself woth people who mean well for you. depression is tough and it can strike anyone. To fight depression you need to comfort yourself, don't scold yourself, socialize more, you need to give yoirself a chance and not always depend on others to make you happy. How are you spiritually? Best of luck and remember you are a great person for putting up with someone like her, best wishes!

[TaraMaiden]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary issue.

And it IS temporary.

 

HOW temporary - depends on you, your determination to move on, and your acceptance that some things are just not the way you want them to be.

 

She isn't 'all that'.

She is not - and never was - everything.

Just as I am not my Husband's 'everything' and he is not mine.

 

I - I AM my everything.

I am the one person in my life, I can securely hang my hat on, because no matter what, I am so worth the attention.

 

You need to evaluate what you give yourself out of ten, right now - because that's what worth you put on the person you are going to definitely be with for the rest of your life.

 

And you obviously have a certain amount of self-worth - or else you would have done something drastic already.

As it is, you've posted this thread twice. I suspect because you want as many replies as possible, maybe?

So actually, you're interested in hearing people tell you that really, you should live.

 

Which means one thing, and one thing only.

 

You still want to be here.

And that's a wonderfully encouraging and optimistic sign, don't you see?

 

Something in you is still kicking, screaming and fighting, and you need to give that air.

You need to see that no matter how negative you feel, - there is still a huge spark inside you, screaming at the top of its lungs - "let me out, I want to fly!"

 

Look up, and fly.

 

because looking down - isn't working for you, is it?

[The Tallest One]

Irish83, please get help now!!! You are not thinking clearly. Take it from me, I have twice tried to take my life, once when ex wife left me, and second when an ex girlfriend dumped me. Trust me friend, noone and I mean noone is worth taking your life over.

 

You have to love yourself more than any other woman. Partner come and go, that's just a part of life whether we like it or not. I made the same mistake as you, in my last relationship I made her my whole life, wanted to spend so much time with her and when she dumped me I was completely lost.

 

You need to work on your sense of self worth and self esteem. You have value, you matter, and taking your life will destroy the lives of your loved ones and they don't deserve that. Your family wants you to be happy and have a good life, so tell them how your feeling, talk to professionals as well because they are best equipped to help you.

 

The pain your in now won't last, trust me, trust me, trust me! It's hard but you need to be patient and allow yourself the time to grieve and heal and move on, but in the meantime, get help for yourself, your depression and self esteem.

 

It breaks my heart when I hear people who want to kill themselves over an ex, suicide is a perminant solution to a temporary problem. Even though I was dumped a month ago and am hurting, I'm still so glad to be alive!

 

Life is beautiful and fullfilling and you have potential you haven't even realized. Don't allow your pain and feelings overwhelm you, get help, therapy, counselling. Talk talk talk to people, get things out.

 

This difficult period will pass! Also, you need to develope friendships, you need a fuller life so your not so dependant on a girlfriend because no one person can be everything for another person, it's not fair to put that on them.

 

Also, google everything you can on breakups and coping and healing. Read all you can because it will help clear your head. Antidepressants are also helpful for depression. Use this time to develope yourself, invest time in you. Try new things, go to places you usually don't. Meet new people, change up your routine.

 

Fight for your happiness, you deserve it. Call a suicide prevention hotline! And finally, know your not alone, we are all suffering! Keep posting here, we're here for you!

[robaday]

Dont do it!!! Look for helplines ASAP, theres a lot of depression helplines out there and they are confidential - they dont judge they dont take sides they are there to listen and its anonymous.

 

I was you 5 years ago!! Put my life on a girl, and had drawn up a plan, put my family and friends through hell, and harrassed the girl for a long time after. What your going through is normal, it's low self esteem mixed with a tragic breakup, which is enough to push anyone over the edge. Losing a partner is nearly the same as losing a life (I lost a sibling) it is horrific so be kind to yourself, this is a tough period for you.

 

Helplines are useful because they are impartial and you can tell them anything. For me I was too ashamed to seek counselling straight away but helplines enabled me to slowly open up and realise I should go. Also, try and see a dr, who will help you decide whether you should pursue counselling or pharmaceuticals.

 

A book that helped me a lot back then was The Power of Now, as it helps you dissassociate from your thoughts which are not you. Watch your diet, try and keep as busy as possible (dont lie in bed - it will multiply your thoughts), focus on what is around you not on what isnt there anymore. And come to this forum.

Big hugs

[fetish1980]

I suggest you re-read TairaMaiden's post. Suicide is permanent, troubles are temporary, and trouble doesn't last always.

 

Breakups hurt, alot! But killing yourself is a coward's way of dealing with problems. You can either let it kill you or let it not kill you and make you stronger. That's what winners do.

 

I hope you choose the latter.

[irish83]

First of all i want to thank everyone for their replies.

 

Things have not got any better tho....

 

I have defo started to lose the plot out walking at night for no reason. Its just gone 2.37am here at the moment and im sitting in car at beach just looking out. planning on just sleeping here tonight. i just cant get a grip on things....

 

My ex is in contact with me everyday she knows about me going to emergency room and says she is worried and there for me anytime day or night.

 

But she seems so happy and active without me its unreal, she was out in pub with her cousin and sister tonight again. she would never go out with me.... whats wrong with me????

 

I always new if we broke up or i messed up she would live the lifestyle i want to live with her...

 

I feel so pathetic and worthless... she is so much happier with me gone. i cant even eat a meal since and she is out shopping for sofas...

 

I went to doctor today... i knew before i went that things would be the same when i walked out as when i walked in. she still dont want me and its my fault... all she wanted was friends and all i wanted was her.

 

She wanted to go all these places that she is now and i was just holding her back. i dont want to go anywhere cos everywhere and wanted to go i wanted her to go with me.

 

I know she wont even miss me if i do something, im just so lonely and dont want anyone else to be around me.

 

I know it dont make sense saying im lonely and want to be alone at the same time

 

miss her just

 

S

[lizzies]

You feel strong and gut wrenching feelings now... you feel like you'll never get beyond this, but you will. Times like this seem like they are worse than what we can handle, and the easy way to make the hurt and suffering go away is to end life... but that is not the answer. We all suffer. At different times perhaps and in different ways, but we all do. It's so hard to see it when you are hurting, but suffering is often what brings about positive change within us, so we can make better choices in the future that will support our happiness. You can and will be happy again. You've wrapped a lot of yourself around this woman, and neglected YOU. You are a unique and wonderful person who has your own talents, and flaws, your own needs, your own abilities. No one is just like you... which means you have something unique to give. It also means you have a lot to discover about yourself. Relationships come and go. Usually with a lot of pain, but remember that you are special and you deserve to be treated right, and you deserve to find happiness in yourself... please seek some counseling if you are feeling suicidal.... it really is not the answer. Exploring you, your own needs, and what you want in life is a start to finding the answer. :-)

[RiceaRoni]

As stated before. Life is a precious thing.

 

You are blessed in so many ways that im you may not realize.

 

Suicide is never the right answer. Pain is temporary and can be filled easily with love and support. Love is eternal and lasts. Love your life and let the ones who care and love you help you.

 

Right now is a painful time, but don't let pain consume you that you want to lead to suicide. You cannot let pain win. YOU must overcome and win. Show yourself that you are powerful as a person. You are capable of reciving love, being happy, and enjoying life to it's fullest extent.

 

You were given life to enjoy it, yet to also learn lessons and the hard emotions human kind is so afriad to experience; but those emotions are what make us stronger and capable of becoming who we are.

 

Paint, sing, dance. Do something to express your emotions whatever they may be. As Tara has stated above. Let that kicking, screaming person out! But in a healthy and non harmful way.

 

You are precious to this world, don't ever forget that.

[irish83]

Thankyou for your messages.

 

I miss her so much... slept in car last night, cant function without her.

 

Found out some info last that have delved me into a deeper darker place...

 

About six ago i seen an email of her. i actually went looking for it and seen a message about a guy and chatting about meeting for sex. i thought she was going to betray me and that weekend, it was actually the night of her birthday i lost it and went mental. Called her a tramp and a cheat and a liar. then last night i went on her facebook and seen the real conversation and he wanted it but she didnt... i should have trusted her... i just should have. i ruined her birthday and it wasnt even her fault.

 

She gave me her facebook password ages ago but i never went on cos i wanted to change aand just trust ya know.....

 

That poor girl. she gave me love then. it was after that we moved to town and that landlord became involved otherwise we would still have been in our wee house in the county and happy. ive brought all this upon myself and hate myself for it.

 

I know alot of your messages have been of a supportive nature but dont u see they shouldnt be. im the bad guy in the relationship... she cant trust me to trust her ya know.

 

What makes it worse is that i dont think i want to get back with her because i love her too much to do that to her which gives me even less purpose...

 

I dont even want to love myself... how can i after seeing that last night.

 

That night six months ago was so bad i was heartbroken and drunk and angry and shouted and called her tramp and everything... im a terrible person... i dont know what to do.

 

If she could know hiw i feel but i cant even tell her. we were so happy before that night. i created this new situation from that night.

 

I went to asda tonight. known as wallmart in states looking for charcoal to poision myself with carbon monioxide but they didnt have any... otherwise who knows if id be writing this at all. bought notebook for note and cd to listen to.

 

Im not even really upset anymore.. i feel quite calm.

 

I miss her so much... i just wish i had known six months ago what i kniw niw before that night.

 

I love tanya so much and jyst cant love myself anymore. not now....

 

Going to see doctor in morning again but he cant help.

 

S

[robaday]

You have her on a pedestal which is a massive mistake. Yes we make mistakes, hell you might have driven her away, but it doesnt mean that she isnt human just like you, with her own faults, screw ups and problems.

 

Therein lies your problem - you dont believe in yourself, its in your head a false belief that you have created, albeit maybe due to childhood factors or trauma. Am I right in thinking if you walk into a bar, you feel everyone is looking at you? that you are somehow inferior to the other guys? A lot of this is in your head, based on false belief systems you are inherently "bad" or "not good enough".

 

You are as good as anyone else, not better not worse, dont ever feel that anyone is better than you.....if you take the path of counselling you will find out what has caused these negative beliefs to form, and find a path to building your self esteem.....this is both scary but ultimately a liberating experience that will see you challenge the way you view the world......be open to new influences mate, stay strong

[TaraMaiden]

I went to asda tonight. known as wallmart in states

 

No, the equivalent in the UK, of Wal-mart is 'Wilkinson's'.

 

looking for charcoal to poision myself with carbon monioxide but they didnt have any...

 

No, barbecue season is over - not that it was ever here. You may find some again in May or June.... You could also try garden centres, they may well have something even now, although there too, it's probably best to wait until the summer....

 

otherwise who knows if id be writing this at all. bought notebook for note and cd to listen to.

Yeah, right.

The fact you're 'writing this at all' is because you want to.

You're just attention-seeking now.

This is a form of inverted Ego-Trip, did you know that? Were you in fact aware of that?

 

It's the direct opposite to -

"Look at me, am I not just the most awesome dude?" Which makes some people stand in admiration, and declare, "Yes, you are!"

 

You, instead, are saying -

"Look at me, am I not the most worthless person on the planet?" which makes pretty much everyone stand in empathy and declare, "No, you're not!"

 

I love tanya so much and jyst cant love myself anymore. not now.... Going to see doctor in morning again but he cant help.

 

See? This is just more pseudo-self-defeating talk....

 

You love yourself a whole lot more than you appear to be letting on...

You love yourself enough to be posting on here and evincing responses from people whom you KNOW will read your threads, and whom you KNOW will try to comfort you with words...

 

If you're convinced the Doctor can't help, isn't that a waste of his time, and yours?

Would that doctor be better treating or seeing someone else?

Are you taking up his time needlessly?

 

Look, it's a harsh post.

I know that.

But there has been a suicide in my family.

People here, who have also experienced suicides in their families, have also posted and urged you to not talk like that, because suicide is just the absolutley most desperate - yet the most selfish - act you could indulge in.

 

You show scant respect for their feelings though, and persist in this illusion, making threats about buying charcoal, and how nobody can help you....

If you really felt that way, you wouldn't be posting.

 

But I'm telling you now - much as I may get slammed by others for this post, there are many who will agree with me, and you'll start to lose the general 'sympathy vote' because in order to achieve anything, you have to take that first step, and help yourself climb out of the hole.

 

And in spite of the many responses you've received, urging you to focus on a different course of action, you seem intent on continuing to post 'woe is me' posts, and ignore all the goodwill and kindness people are showing you in support.

 

Carry on like this, and don't be surprised if people, after a while, stop responding, and the 'support' you seek, fizzles out.

[fixing]

In for support from Ireland. *** that cheating dirty filthy two faced bitch. You seriously want to throw away your life over some #### who doesnt even deserve you? Cop on lad. Think bigger m8.

 

Im going through the same. Loved this girl and trusted her with all my heart, only to find out she was cheating on me. Im still hurt, but it gets better and you will look back on this mess and realise that that whore is nothing but a waster. Keep posting here, but also, you need to go and tell your doctor your suicidal asap.

[adelia]

Please please please go to a doctor and tell them what you're experiencing! You feel nothing can help but it can!! I had a friend who committed suicide it is permanent and you can never reverse it this is temporary. You can and will survive this and you have so much ahead in your life which includes happiness. You don't feel or believe it but you do. Please I'm begging go tell your doctor or as mentioned a help line don't do anything to yourself.

My friend left behind so many people who mourn him including two kids I often think to myself if he had the choice would he reverse it and I know he would but he can't life is precious and you're seeing things through eyes of someone severly depressed. What you're seeing is not accurate. Please get help. Don't do anything drastic. If not for yourself for the people around you. Your life is worth something! If anything stay on here and keep talking. Hugz