venusianx13 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I don't really know where to post this... general seems fitting enough. I've mentioned a few times in my posts that my boyfriend was a mentor for a teen for many years. That boy is now 18, and they are still close and consider each other brothers. I've never had a problem with him, and have had a lot of patience for him, as he can be difficult. He doesn't have many friends at all, and therefore, I realize that his relationship with my boyfriend is very delicate. Recently, I'd noticed that little bro was being very demanding of my boyfriend's time and my boyfriend has not had the heart to say "no." I'll get back to this point later... In regards to my relationship with the little bro, it is really non-existent. Any attempt I've made to do anything nice for him or with him was met with him pretty much shunning me. I've been there to listen to his issues on several occasions, but other than that, our interaction has been minimal. He sees me as stealing his big brother away from him and he resents me. I see it clearly. My hands are tied - I really don't know what to do about it. There have been a handful of times where I have been outright disrespected by little bro. Whether due to misunderstandings or because I was with my boyfriend when little bro wanted to play a game online or to hang out... and I handled each situation maturely and patiently. I did not want to cause further rift between us. However, last night I became a little impatient when I tried to contact my boyfriend about something important and he was engaged in a game with his little bro. When he finished his game (these games take an hour or so to complete), he made the mistake of not signing off of skype (where little bro was) when he called me back. Basically, I told my boyfriend that I'd noticed that he was allowing little bro to run his life lately and that I thought he catered to him all too often. Apparently, little bro overheard this and now has sworn me off for good. I quickly sent him a message to apologize but I don't think he'll hear me out. He had already made up his mind about me and this was really all he needed to justify his dislike for me. I know this probably sounds awful of me. Up until recently, my boyfriend had a very balanced life. I think he was afraid that little bro was resenting him, too, and so he began to be at his every beck and call. I noticed it, as did other members of my boyfriend's family, and I made the mistake of saying so while little bro was in earshot. I feel awful. I never, ever wanted for him to dislike me, but it seems all my attempts to be friendly with him were in vain as it was. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can I fix this?
Roadkill007 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Hey, this is a pretty hard problem you have here. It indeed worsened the issue now that he concretely feels like you are a threat to his relationship with your bf. What's done is done, but I think this situation is still salvageable. Honestly though, it'll mostly depend on how good your bf is at communicating with the little bro. The first thing is that you need to get your bf to understand that his current relationship with little bro is harmful to everyone involved including you. While he may feel rewarded for being there for little bro and taking care of him, little bro is already 18. His emotional dependency on your bf is almost childlike in the maturity sense, and will get in the way of little bro growing up and learning to take care of himself. This is bad for little bro because your bf can't always be there for him. When your bf finally refuses little bro's emotional needs, for whatever reason, little bro will feel betrayal like no other, and no matter how much anyone reasons with him, he'll withdraw and regress, and will have even more trouble trusting anyone. Your bf needs to understand that his being an emotional crutch to little bro isn't helping to little bro in the long run, as much as helping him(bf) feel useful and mature. First of all, your bf needs to communicate to little bro, that regardless of the amount of time they'll be able to spend together in the future, that little bro will always be in his heart and mind. I think little bro is completely afraid of losing the one person he trusts and who responds to his needs, and will first and foremost need to be reminded that he'll always be "little bro" to your bf. He then needs to communicate that the reason they need to change the dynamic of their relationship is that it's for little bro's good. Honestly I'm not really putting it well, but he needs to get it across that little bro needs to be able to stand up for himself as a person, as a member of his community. He needs to start making relationships with other members of his community, and needs to stop distrusting everyone so much. This is a point that's incredibly hard to get across, but little bro needs to feel the need for him to grow up. Little bro needs to understand that staying stagnant like this is NOT good for him or his long-term happiness. Hopefully your bf got the last point across, because if not, this part will be the thing little bro will focus on, and will NOT bode well at all. This is where bf explains that while your bf absolutely loves being there for little bro, that he may not always be able to. He has responsibilities in his job, his life, to you, etc., and thus may need to take care of his own issues. Little bro needs to understand not to blame these things for taking bf away from him. He needs to understand that bf himself has wants and needs that cannot be satisfied by his relationship with little bro, and that these responsibilities and needs may come before his concern for little bro, because they'll affect your bf's life. He needs to understand that your bf has a life beyond that of just being "big brother", and that while his "big brother"ness is important to him, that the other parts of his life (including you) are also very important to him, and require time and effort. If your bf managed to get these points across (there's probably going to be multiple scenes of emotional distress before this point), this is where you bf will bring you into the picture. Little bro will probably still resent you at this point, but not blindly enough to completely dismiss you. I think that since he's so focused on you right now as a threat, that you must somehow become another person in little bro's life, in order for your little bro to begin trusting other people and opening up. Not saying that little bro won't grow up if you don't become pals, but "making up" with you and leveling the ground with you will definitely go a long way to help him to independence and self-reliance. He needs to see you as a person, not a threat: as someone else who he can relate to. As someone who also emotionally is tied to your bf, I think you're in a good position here to help. anyways, I couldn't really think after this point what'd be best. Whether it'd be better for your bf to slowly let little bro walk on his own, or whether your bf needs to shock therapy little bro. But hopefully if you make it to this point, you guys will be able to pick a path to happiness for all of you. GL, and keep a stiff upper lip
Author venusianx13 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Roadkill, Thank you very, very much for your thoughtful response. You are spot on, about all of it. Little Bro is indeed an adult now, but bf still feels responsible for him. Any time Little Bro gets into trouble or falls off the straight-and-narrow, bf feels he is to blame and is very hard on himself. For instance, when bf and I went away a few months ago together, he came to find out that Little Bro had begun hanging out with some shady characters and had been influenced to start smoking (possibly drinking, among other things). I think this scared bf into being more attentive to Little Bro, because he wants the best for him. So, on some level, I understand, but I also need to remind him that he can't always be there, keeping an eye on him and keeping him out of trouble. He realizes this, logically, but he still seems to jump when little bro says "jump." As a result, instead of keeping up with house duties (bf is a relatively new home owner), he ends up with crap piling up all week. I try to help as much as I can when I'm there... I don't mind my bf having this hobby (video games) or hanging with Little Bro, I think it's awesome...but when it begins to run his life, I get a bit impatient. (Such as the other night) BF is going to speak to Little Bro tonight when they hang out, and see if he can't smooth things over or at least pave the way for me to offer a formal apology to Little Bro. That'll at least partially solve this issue. The rest is up to BF alone. I no longer want to be a buffer between the two of them, but BF understands where I'm coming from. Thanks again. 1
Els Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 How much time is your bf spending with Little Bro (whether by his own decision or catering to him), and how much time is he spending with you? I'm guessing that that is the underlying issue here, and the Skype incident was just an exacerbation of the root issue. That was kinda crappy, but I wouldn't blame myself if I were you. Your bf was a bit careless, and these things happen.
Author venusianx13 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) How much time is your bf spending with Little Bro (whether by his own decision or catering to him), and how much time is he spending with you? I'm guessing that that is the underlying issue here, and the Skype incident was just an exacerbation of the root issue. That was kinda crappy, but I wouldn't blame myself if I were you. Your bf was a bit careless, and these things happen. Well, I have no complaints in regards to how much time my boyfriend spends with me. He spends more than enough time with me, in all honesty, probably more than I am accustomed to in a relationship, but this is also the most serious, committed relationship I've ever had. The root of this is that when I tried to contact my boyfriend that night while they were engaged in their online gaming, it was because I had just received some pretty alarming news and was very afraid and really needed my best friend in that moment. I understand that there will be times when he is unavailable, but I knew without a doubt that he was "gaming" with little bro at the time. The fact that I was stressed and upset undoubtedly had me on a shorter rope that night, and that's when I went off about him letting little bro "run his life". I may not have reacted so strongly had something similar (not an emergency, but similar circumstance)not happened about a month prior to this while bf was gaming with Little Bro. I think I'd just reached my limit of my patience and understanding that night. Let me add, though...my boyfriend is an amazing partner. I don't expect him to be perfect. His mistake to leave skype going while we were on the phone, and he also stated that Little Bro should know better than to listen in on private convos. This is also true. All this said, though, the bottom line is that I hope to fix this. Little Bro was in waiting for any excuse to write me off. Now he has it. I've been thinking of ways to try to extend to him an apology or offer of good will (i.e. making the guys dinner, etc), because with all my heart, I want him to be happy, for my bf to be happy, and for all of us to get along. Considering that we are planning on moving things forward and are anticipating living together starting in August, this really, really needs to be worked out. I don't want Little Bro to feel like he has to stay away because of ME. Edited March 20, 2013 by venusianx13
Els Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Hmmm. Seems like there are quite a few issues there. If your bf had been unavailable because he was, say, out having drinks with friends, as opposed to gaming with Little Bro, would your reaction have been different? Did he know you had something urgent to say and turned you down to continue gaming, or did he not know until you actually talked?
Author venusianx13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Hmmm. Seems like there are quite a few issues there. If your bf had been unavailable because he was, say, out having drinks with friends, as opposed to gaming with Little Bro, would your reaction have been different? Did he know you had something urgent to say and turned you down to continue gaming, or did he not know until you actually talked? Well, he rarely goes out for drinks with friends, so I don't really know how to answer that. I suppose in that case I'd understand that he was tied up/catching up, and would have had less of a reaction. What happened was that I had sent him an IM, and he told me he was gaming with little bro. About 15 minutes later, I had gotten some news and tried to call him twice. He knows I wouldn't do that unless it was important. He ended up calling me back about 15-20 minutes later, saying he was in the middle of a game with Little Bro (which I had known). I asked if he'd heard the phone ring, and he told me that he had, but knew Little Bro would get pissed if he answered. That's pretty much when I went off, and when Little Bro (sitting on Skype) overheard. Little Bro is unreasonably dependent on him, but he enables it. I had mentioned that Little Bro has disrespected me in the past, and it was very tied to his emotional dependency on my bf. I made the mistake one night (months and months ago) of unknowingly calling while they were gaming. BF answered, and Little Bro got pissed that he interrupted their game to talk to me. He then proceeded to post some veiled insult about me on stupid facebook. So yeah, there's a history here... I tried my best not to go down the rabbit hole, but I guess it was necessary. They hung out in person last night and BF claims he told Little Bro that he needs to get used to the fact that I'll be around (and to respect me), and that he needs to stop cutting ties with people on the drop of a hat, or he'll end up alone for the rest of his life. He apparently does this with family members often (cuts them off). He's got a lot of issues. BF says he's smoothed things over, but I take that with a grain of salt until we actually interact. BF desperately wants me to win Little Bro over. At this point, I'm just confused...
Roadkill007 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Hmm, I don't quite know how to word this without feeling like I'm fishing for misery, but I'm quite interested in whether little bro is manning up a bit. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but if you do, I just wanted to let you know I'm still interested in hearing about it.
Author venusianx13 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) It's okay, I appreciate you asking. Well, it seemed at first as though bf had smoothed things over with Little Bro. Little Bro had agreed to a fresh start, that we shouldn't mention any of the drama, and he agreed to come over to bf's house over the weekend to hang out, and I was going to make dinner. My son and I typically spend weekends there (in order to get my son accustomed to a new home). We waited and waited for Little Bro Saturday and didn't hear a thing from him until around 5pm (had sent several messages). At that point, I had discovered that he'd "unfriended" me on facebook (and this would be the third time he's done this) and that he was no longer interested in coming over. BF was witness to the fact that Little Bro was being ridiculous again, and I'd done nothing to instigate his sour behavior. It was also quite rude of him to leave us hanging like that, when we were expecting him. I told BF flat out that I wasn't playing this game with Little Bro. It's really not my problem anymore. I've been friendly to him, extended gestures of good will, and he just downright dislikes me. He undoubtedly hates the fact that we're becoming a family (my son, bf, me), and feels threatened by it. I feel sorry for him and suspect he's got a lot going on, mentally/emotionally. I never wanted things to be this way. From here, I don't really know what to do. I don't think I have the energy to do much more than to carry on and hope for the best. Edited March 25, 2013 by venusianx13
Roadkill007 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 yea, the problem is that even if your bf managed to get the points across properly and little bro understands those points logically, emotionally, little bro might still be feeling vindictive: it feels like he's using emotional scorched earth tactics right now. If your bf's points did register on a logical level, however, rather than this being a circular issue, hopefully little bro can start to move on a bit, even if initially he doubled back. I think that as long as your bf makes it clear that his life (with you as part of his family) takes priority, and you don't give him excuses to blame/hate you, it'll turn out fine (basically, don't take the bait of him trying to mess with you guys). The main thing from here I think is that your bf needs to understand that just because little bro might make a mistake here or there in life, it doesn't mean that he(your bf) needs to rush in like a superhero to fix things up. Part of the process of growing up is learning from mistakes, and little bro needs to learn to take care of himself. The one thing that cannot happen, I feel, is the regression of their relationship to how it was before. Since little bro has used "defriending" you as a tactic before, clearly it has worked for him somehow in the past. You both need to get on with your lives, and leave it up to him to start following or just wallowing. I'd suggest you and your bf read through this : Does Your Child Act Out to Manipulate You? How to Stop Falling for It. Some parts of it doesn't really apply, but the main issue of dealing with little bro using emotional blackmail is discussed there. Seeing as little bro slapped away the olive branch you offered, I think it's pretty much all up to your bf right now. Hopefully your bf will take to heart what the article says, and the importance of not regressing his relationship with little bro to the previous state. 2
Author venusianx13 Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks very much for your advice/support in this, Roadkill. That article is very helpful, not only to this situation, but in dealing with my 7 year old son as well. BF has not heard from Little Bro since the weekend, which tells us that he's also "upset" with him. I told bf this morning that he should be careful not to reward Little Bro's bad behavior by seeking him out for gaming, etc... BF's response was to say that he's worried about Little Bro being too isolated. Okay, fair enough, but BF cannot remain as Little Bro's only source of friendship/entertainment/link to the outside world.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 You've gotten incredible advice from other posters. I commend you for remaining gracious and open despite his repeated poor behavior towards you. Continue that. At some point, we all have to accept that not everyone will like us, no matter how nice, wonderful, or giving we might be. Even Jesus, who was perfect, endured hatred and was nailed to a cross. Just be the best person you can be and carry on. Oftentimes, it's not about you. It's about the other person's issues and personal insecurities. Little you can do about that. We can only fix our own issues, not others' if they have no interest in changing themselves. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I don't really know where to post this... general seems fitting enough. I've mentioned a few times in my posts that my boyfriend was a mentor for a teen for many years. That boy is now 18, and they are still close and consider each other brothers. I've never had a problem with him, and have had a lot of patience for him, as he can be difficult. He doesn't have many friends at all, and therefore, I realize that his relationship with my boyfriend is very delicate. Recently, I'd noticed that little bro was being very demanding of my boyfriend's time and my boyfriend has not had the heart to say "no." I'll get back to this point later... In regards to my relationship with the little bro, it is really non-existent. Any attempt I've made to do anything nice for him or with him was met with him pretty much shunning me. I've been there to listen to his issues on several occasions, but other than that, our interaction has been minimal. He sees me as stealing his big brother away from him and he resents me. I see it clearly. My hands are tied - I really don't know what to do about it. There have been a handful of times where I have been outright disrespected by little bro. Whether due to misunderstandings or because I was with my boyfriend when little bro wanted to play a game online or to hang out... and I handled each situation maturely and patiently. I did not want to cause further rift between us. However, last night I became a little impatient when I tried to contact my boyfriend about something important and he was engaged in a game with his little bro. When he finished his game (these games take an hour or so to complete), he made the mistake of not signing off of skype (where little bro was) when he called me back. Basically, I told my boyfriend that I'd noticed that he was allowing little bro to run his life lately and that I thought he catered to him all too often. Apparently, little bro overheard this and now has sworn me off for good. I quickly sent him a message to apologize but I don't think he'll hear me out. He had already made up his mind about me and this was really all he needed to justify his dislike for me. I know this probably sounds awful of me. Up until recently, my boyfriend had a very balanced life. I think he was afraid that little bro was resenting him, too, and so he began to be at his every beck and call. I noticed it, as did other members of my boyfriend's family, and I made the mistake of saying so while little bro was in earshot. I feel awful. I never, ever wanted for him to dislike me, but it seems all my attempts to be friendly with him were in vain as it was. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can I fix this? i get myself in these situations quite a bit become a mother figure to people who have major issues...mainly drug dependency and try and help them .....i also take in kids and animals........strays who dont have a home have done it ever since i knew what is was like to live on the streets....in saying that...id doesnt give me much of a personal life......i get satisfaction from helping people but it does take up a lot of time...finding homes for the lost or working on issues within their own home they left,or got booted, to get them back there.....if anyone is lost they find me.....i am not making it up they do.....i think you need to establish boundaries that allow you and your bf quality time together...i have constant noise in my home one of the reasons i sit on here with headphones on and play not available......it is taxing emotionally........it is rewarding but everyone human needs time out ....when you do establish soem boundaries let me know what worked i might try them myself.....deb
Author venusianx13 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks for the additional responses. Cutiepie: I know that some people aren't going to like me and that it's more a reflection of them than me. I've accepted that Little Bro doesn't like me, and it's not really based on anything I've done, as this has been going on for a while, but based on the fact that I "moved in on" his big bro. He hasn't even spoken to him in days, which is rare and strange. I've done some critical thinking about it, and it could be that little bro is trying to prove to my bf that I've put a wedge in their relationship (when I haven't), and that if I stick around, he won't. Luckily, I think bf is wise to this. I've thrown my hands up at this point. I am not taking his feelings about me to heart, but I'm still concerned for his relationship with my bf. I hope they can work things out, and I'm not going to unnecessarily involve myself for the time being. Todreaminblue: I am a "protector/rescuer", also. Helping others may bring people like us joy, but it can also burn us out. BF is this way, also. I used to really take to heart when I couldn't please/help everyone and be incredibly hard on myself. You probably do, too. Great changes can start with you, but they don't have to end with you. Inspire others to help, too. You can only do what you can do... it's impossible to fix other peoples' lives or save every stray that comes along. Realizing this and simply holding a heartfelt wish for them all to be free from suffering does help. You need to be strong - having too many irons in the fire (sounds like you do) is not healthy for you. With the best of intentions, you can draw some healthy boundaries and make sure that you get the emotional/spiritual nourishment that YOU need - that is the only way you can be strong enough to be of help to others. And in that, you need to learn when to say "no." I know it's hard. Best of luck to you.
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