snglemomma Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and I can say that I am in my fortys and he is in his fiftys. I have never been married, yes a single mom with two kids from different dads. My boyfriend has been married three times. We talked recently about getting married and his response to me was "its just a piece of paper" We live together and share our lives in every way all the way down to we are wanting to buy a house together. He says he fears for certain things cause of his past marriages, But I am not like his exes, not at all. I know he loves me and I have finally found my Mr. Right after 40 years. I want the wedding that ive never had, but feel that if I say too much he will feel like Im pressuring him. I dont know if he will ever want to get married do I stay with him if he doesnt? I cant imagine my life without him, so maybe a wedding is not that important?? Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
CryForNoOne Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It does seem like just a piece of paper to him. After all, divorced three times... Why is he opposed to a wedding? It's sounds like he's saying bad karma and precedence. Are you sure no fear of commitment? You obviously want the whole bride wedding dress experience etc... Is cost of engagement and wedding also an issue for him?
SJC2008 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 The guy struck out 3 times. At what point does it become embarassing or obvious marriage isn't for someone? I have a relative on his 4th marriage and a coworker who's brother has been married 6 times. Given is track record and piece of paper comment he's not likely to get married again.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and I can say that I am in my fortys and he is in his fiftys. I have never been married, yes a single mom with two kids from different dads. My boyfriend has been married three times. We talked recently about getting married and his response to me was "its just a piece of paper" We live together and share our lives in every way all the way down to we are wanting to buy a house together. He says he fears for certain things cause of his past marriages, But I am not like his exes, not at all. I know he loves me and I have finally found my Mr. Right after 40 years. I want the wedding that ive never had, but feel that if I say too much he will feel like Im pressuring him. I dont know if he will ever want to get married do I stay with him if he doesnt? I cant imagine my life without him, so maybe a wedding is not that important?? Why would he feel the need to marry you when you're already living together and giving him all the benefits of being your husband already? Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
MidwestUSA Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 He has been there, done it. Three times! Forget the wedding of your dreams and go on the vacation of your dreams. It's a compromise. I understand the "just a piece of paper" thing. Would you feel better being engaged with no intent to marry? It works for my sister, and she has a honker of a diamond ring if that kind of symbolism works for you. Just an idea.
man_in_the_box Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I don't understand why this case is so often regarded as a matter of something a man must do in order to pay his partner back for 'being his wife'. Shouldn't you ideally (and I do not see any other indication from the OP that the relationship input is skewed) both put effort into your LTR? Marriage is something you both want not something you do to 'refund' your partner.
carhill Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 IMO, buy a house together and formalize whatever other legal associations you wish to enjoy on an as/when - needed basis. You've both experienced familial situations over your life history, yourself having non-marital relationships with children and he being married and divorced multiple times. Consider this path a new one, hopefully long-lasting. As his track record proves, a marriage license is no guarantee of happily ever after. Go with the now. Good luck.
crude Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It says you live in Idaho, the land of militias and anti-government types. Men there don't want Obama getting involved in their relationships. It's between the two of you, keep the politicians out of it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Maybe he's finally wised up to the fact that he has no damn idea what he is doing. You've got two kids from different daddies...never been married, dating a guy who's been married three times?....sounds about right to me! I can see why you're together. But look, the chances are you're not going to have that little magical wedding you always pictured...I do feel a bit bad for you, but this is not his responsibility either...the guys been married three times, I think it's safe to say getting married....again...has lots it charm. If I was ever the type of guy to get married like it was going through a drive-thru...which I'm not...I would hope that at least, with the all the wisdom and the power of my tiny brain, that I'd have the competency not to oh...I don't know...just jump right back up to the alter and say those wonderful meaningless words "till death due us part"....so far he's got to die 3 times before he owes you! This is silly though....you're with the guy, he's happy with it I guess, you seem happy with him...whether it's the right man after 40 years, to a guy who's been married already 3 times....meh, not really going to start on that, but anyway, just be happy with this...you force this guy to get married again he's going to do it out of pressure....you already know his answer, he doesn't want to do it, he's over it...you can go through and try to talk to him about his concerns and all of that, and I'm sure you will, I'm sure you won't give this fight up but if you're being honest with yourself...as of right now, he's not ready for marriage number 4. But hey, there's always the next life...and maybe he'll just say..."ah hell with it, what's 4 marriages if it's going to shut her up? who's counting at this point anyway?" but that'll be a bit of a challenge, he already learned his lesson 3 times now...I doubt he's got the fight for one more, but then again you both sound like you got issues...I'd be surprised you actually have a decent relationship together and it's not just you head-over-heels for him.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Why would he feel the need to marry you when you're already living together and giving him all the benefits of being your husband already? You mean why would he feel the need to marry her if he's already getting all the benefits of her being his wife ie. cooking, cleaning, sex. etc.
creighton0123 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I would think that at your stage in life, if you're both financially secure independently, marriage doesn't make sense. If things are great as they are, why not wait another year or two and then see how you feel about things? A year together isn't all that short of a time, but not an incredibly lengthy amount of time. Return to it at the 2 year mark and have a mature discussion, especially if you become more financially intertwined through buying a house.
crude Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Why would he feel the need to marry you when you're already living together and giving him all the benefits of being your husband already? He's also giving her the benefits of living with a man who does the things that husbands normally do. She doesn't need marriage either. Why buy the bull when you're getting the semen for nothing? It works both ways. Drseussgrrl seems kind of bitter and anti-male.
grkBoy Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 If I was divorced three times, I'd be very reluctant to walk the aisle a fourth time. Plus a year IMHO is too short a time. I've had women and gal pals who tell me I should have gotten engaged after 6 months. I waited three years, and I'd let a woman leave me before I allow myself to be pushed into engagement. Bling Ultimatums are a big red flag. Now I'm not saying you're handing him a Bling Ultimatum, and I know it sucks for you that you were never married...but from where I stand he's been burned three times in divorce (I'd look into why he couldn't make 3 marriages work), and you have several kids from several men. Marrying you means he's now financially obligated to those kids and you. So if this fails he's now paying alimony and child support. Plus he's in his 50s...so I'm sure he's more thinking "enjoy life" than "get hitched".
O'Malley Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 A year is way too early to be making decisions about marriage, but you both have valid reasons to be cautious of any legal union at this stage in your lives. Instead of investing in a home with someone who refuses to enter into a legal union and hoping for the best, consider purchasing a house in your name only and being specific via a good estate plan that your assets will be inherited by your two children. Also look into a domestic partner/debt obligation agreement - something that clearly spells out what each of you are responsible for. Whether marriage is ever on the table or not, keep in mind that both you and your boyfriend are capable of supporting yourselves should anything unforseen occur, your children (if minors) are not.
carhill Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It appears the OP is already cohabiting with her boyfriend. OP, are you leasing together or living with relatives? IMO, since you're apparently cohabiting, purchasing a house as tenants in common, with ownership interests reflective of your investment, could be a smart step in the current real estate market. Should things go sideways in the future, such ownership can be bought/sold/traded/optioned. Renting, you're filling the coffers of your landlord. If your personal goal is marriage, and you wish to continue this relationship in spite of direct statements that your boyfriend does not want to get married, I could envision the joint home purchase as one potential path to your goal. I've seen this kind of success with female friends so I know it does work for some. I haven't covered 'why' in my responses simply because he's already told you why. He had/has 'fear'. The fearful mind says 'no'. Nothing more complicated than that. Get to the root of the fears, process them and eliminate them and perhaps you can get to 'yes'. Good luck.
Treasa Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Just out of curiosity, what if he said he'd marry you, but just in a courthouse, nothing special, just the legal stuff? The whole "wedding I've never had" bit raises a red flag for me, along with a few other things. Honestly, I don't blame this guy, especially this soon. But you have every right to walk away, too.
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