RebuildingMom Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 In your opinion when is it appropriate to start taking small children to a new girlfriend/boyfriend's family events? I told my STBXH that I'm not okay with his plan to take our 3 yr old son to his new girlfriend's family's Easter event. I believe she is also still married and in the process of divorce (filed Dec 12). My divorce proceeding was filed 3/5/13 and I still haven't gotten the filed papers yet. We've been separated 4.5 months after 13 years together - roughly 2 married. Am I wrong to feel it is too early for this type of thing?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 In your opinion when is it appropriate to start taking small children to a new girlfriend/boyfriend's family events? I told my STBXH that I'm not okay with his plan to take our 3 yr old son to his new girlfriend's family's Easter event. I believe she is also still married and in the process of divorce (filed Dec 12). My divorce proceeding was filed 3/5/13 and I still haven't gotten the filed papers yet. We've been separated 4.5 months after 13 years together - roughly 2 married. Am I wrong to feel it is too early for this type of thing? I'm not arguing right or wrong but, assuming it's his time with his daughter, how would you stop him ??? Mr. Lucky
TheBladeRunner Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 You cannot control what he does. I have had to accept that as well and it does suck. My thing is this though, even if I met the new woman of my dreams today, I would have to say that she will not meet my daughter for at least 4 months (just a personal rule). I do not want to be dragging woman after woman in front of my daughter, I don't feel it is a good idea. How long have they been together BTW?
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 In your opinion when is it appropriate to start taking small children to a new girlfriend/boyfriend's family events? I told my STBXH that I'm not okay with his plan to take our 3 yr old son to his new girlfriend's family's Easter event. I believe she is also still married and in the process of divorce (filed Dec 12). My divorce proceeding was filed 3/5/13 and I still haven't gotten the filed papers yet. We've been separated 4.5 months after 13 years together - roughly 2 married. Am I wrong to feel it is too early for this type of thing? Way too soon and it really is unfair to that little boy, even at 3 years old. Ex and his gf HAVE to respect the feelings of him. Makes me sad to think about. Just tell him that you don't feel the timing is right due to it only being 4.5 months separation and it's too early. 2
Author RebuildingMom Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 You cannot control what he does. I have had to accept that as well and it does suck. My thing is this though, even if I met the new woman of my dreams today, I would have to say that she will not meet my daughter for at least 4 months (just a personal rule). I do not want to be dragging woman after woman in front of my daughter, I don't feel it is a good idea. How long have they been together BTW? According to his FB, he changed his relationship status to "In a relationship"on 3/1 - so my guess is since about 2/5 they have been dating less than 2 months. On 2/5 he sent me the draft divorce paperwork to look over, probably so he didn't feel as guilty.
Author RebuildingMom Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Way too soon and it really is unfair to that little boy, even at 3 years old. Ex and his gf HAVE to respect the feelings of him. Makes me sad to think about. Just tell him that you don't feel the timing is right due to it only being 4.5 months separation and it's too early. I told him I was not ok with it but he told DS about it anyway and says DS is looking forward to it and that it's too late cancel now. I know I can't stop him but gees that's fast! I asked him to agree to not take DS those kinds of things (either of us) until the divorce is finalized. He agreed. I know I can't trust him but at least I put it out there.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I know I can't stop him but gees that's fast! Unfortunately, welcome to divorce. Lesson #1 is learning to pick your battles. You might have to go with the flow here as it sounds like your STBXH is going his own way regardless of your input or feelings. Save your expressed anger for a bigger occasion - almost a certainty one will come ... Mr. Lucky
ver13 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is the hard part of D when one partner starts dating which will always entail meeting the kids. Look I for one would not expose my kids to anyone unless I thought the relationship was going somewhere. But that's just me and your H has a whole different agenda. All you can do is be there for the boy when he get's home after the event. Just do the right thing when you meet someone and the shoe is on the other foot.
Author RebuildingMom Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Just an update. I sent the following to STBX. It seemed to get his attention. Maybe the way I addressed the issue will help someone in a similar situation. Thank you for telling me about your new relationship with OW. I am happy for you and wish you both well. I am emailing you because I want to clarify my reasoning why I believe it is too early for DS to attend Easter with OW’s family. I understand we both will eventually move on to significant others but I feel it is important for our son, that we not expose him too early to relationships we may have that are just beginning. It will be confusing and stressful to introduce him to new people we are dating, and their families, too soon especially if those relationships do not last. I feel it is best that new relationships be introduced slowly over time. I am willing to wait for a period of time before I introduce DS to someone I’m dating so that I know more about the person and whether the relationship is one that will be serious or lasting. I suggest that period of time be about six months. As DS’s parents, it would be prudent for us to discuss new partners and be introduced to them before DS is introduced to them and spends a significant amount of time with them so that each of us are prepared to answer any questions he may ask of us about the new partner. I have not met OW in a number of years and have no idea what her background is. Since you’ve told me that you recently started dating her, I presume that it’s likely you have been dating for about a month or so. In light of that, yes I feel that it is too early for you to start introducing him to her family. I believe you should refrain from taking him to her family’s house for Easter and that you make other arrangements to spend your time with him on that day. If there are no other options for you, I propose that we keep to the regular pick-up schedule.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 As DS’s parents, it would be prudent for us to discuss new partners and be introduced to them before DS is introduced to them and spends a significant amount of time with them so that each of us are prepared to answer any questions he may ask of us about the new partner. I have not met OW in a number of years and have no idea what her background is. Certainly good in theory but how do you monitor and/or enforce this? I think some divorced spouses would find this intrusive, almost feels as though you want to pre-interview your ex's SO's. For instance, what Q&A process informs your of her "background" ? Again, I understand your concerns and intentions in wanting to do so... Mr. Lucky 1
ver13 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Nice letter but in the end H has to decide on who and how early he introduces his son to other women. The part about her background is a whole different matter you realize that she is not required to submit to screening from you unless you are here employer which you are not. This is one of the hardships of D you never know who the other partner will pick up along the way. I am saying this because when you decide to D this is what it comes down to. All you can do is hope that the people that either one of you brings into your kids life are stable.
GuyInLimbo Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Way too early, and for a kid that young, very confusing, too. Your husband should be a lot more responsible. you shouldn't introduce new mates to your kids for a good 9 months - only when the relationship appears to be long-term and serious. Otherwise you're f*cking with them. You don't want kids to become attached to significant others only to lose them all the time. Sounds like your H is in a rebound...
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