VincentHanna Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I divorced two years ago but chose stay physically close to ex for the sake of our daughter by getting an apartment in the same building (huge building, different floors). I have been in a relationship with another woman for over a year and now we are thinking of moving in together. Ex-wife and I have remained friendly for the sake of our daughter and living so close has made it very convenient for our little girl to go from one house to another. Our girl knows very well that we are divorced, but we have both done our best as parents so she is the least affected. My problem is that I don't want to be too far from my daughter. I want to move on the building next door so I could keep this closeness. I'd like to hear everyone's opinion. Too close for comfort? Ok? My ex will be fine with this since she likes to have our daughter close. I don't have a problem with it either. But my girlfriend does and has explicitly told me she doesn't want to be too close to my ex to avoid drama. I love this woman very much and want to make her happy, but am I being too selfish and crazy for wanting to stay close to my daughter. This is in downtown Philadelphia. Vince
aMguilts Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) my opinion is that i think you should worry less about your daughter and should start living your own life whether that is in the flat above or even a different country it makes no difference you need to make a decision and stick with it do you REALLY want to be in the same block as your ex is?? do you want a life or not?? put yourself 1st, always aM Edited March 19, 2013 by aMguilts
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 My ex will be fine with this since she likes to have our daughter close. I don't have a problem with it either. But my girlfriend does and has explicitly told me she doesn't want to be too close to my ex to avoid drama. I love this woman very much and want to make her happy, but am I being too selfish and crazy for wanting to stay close to my daughter. It sounds like a good arrangement in that it puts the interest of your daughter first. Your GF's attitude is concerning. She needs to accept the fact that she's involved with a divorced man with co-parenting responsibilities for a child. How often do you have custody? I can tell you from first hand experience that the drama will come not from your wife but from your GF if she doesn't come to terms with your child being a priority... Mr. Lucky 1
TheBladeRunner Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It sounds like a good arrangement in that it puts the interest of your daughter first. Your GF's attitude is concerning. She needs to accept the fact that she's involved with a divorced man with co-parenting responsibilities for a child. How often do you have custody? I can tell you from first hand experience that the drama will come not from your wife but from your GF if she doesn't come to terms with your child being a priority... Mr. Lucky Agreed! Put your daughter first, I do it too. I have wondered the same thing though, if I meet someone new, will she have a problem with me living so close? The way I see it is that although the current relationship my SBXW and I have is pleasant, we are by no means BFF; it is strictly business. I would hope that when I do meet someone new that she will see that. If she doesn't, she'll have to go. The whole jealousy thing is just not my bag. I also stay close for logistical reasons; I would love to move into town, but taking my daughter to-and-from school would be a real time killer. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 First, good for you AND your ex on doing what you can to maintain what seems to be a positive atmosphere for her. BRAVO! As for moving a BUILDING away, in general, I don't see that being any different. You're still on the same block, right?? Is it safe for her to walk between the two buildings? If so, then this still sounds like an ideal arrangement for all of you. I agree with BladeRunner. Your g/f does not call the shots here. Maybe that's harsh, but until your daughter is 18, she should be a priority. If your g/f has a problem, then she's not the one for you.
Author VincentHanna Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I have my daughter half of the time, but with both of us being in the building, she pops in whenever she likes and so do I to my ex's apartment. Ex and I are not BFFs and it's strickly business but I don't mind them popping by at all. This is for 10 minutes intervals and never more than 3 times per week. I know my GF will have a problem with this. By the way, I'm very serious about my GF and see myself marrying her. This is why it's so hard to make the decision to leave that building. On one hand I have a great relationship with my son and on the other I have woman I truly love and want to make a home with. This is one tough decision. This is more so because on special holidays such as Thanksgiving or New Years, we allow our daughter to visit the other apartment for a while. Example, she's with me for Thanksgiving this year but I will take her down for an hour. Then let's say for New Years she's with my ex, my ex will bring her to stay with me as well. I felt bad for my kid when I divorced but this arrangement has allowed me to do my best for my daughter and I don't want to lose it. 1
Author VincentHanna Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 @ aMguilts, I do want a life and for me, having a life is not dependent on living next to someone I had previous relationship with or not. The point here is balancing my priorities and keep two very important people happy. If they two of them are happy (daughter and GF) then I'll be happy. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 The point here is balancing my priorities and keep two very important people happy. One of those two people is an adult that can fend for herself and understand family dynamics. The other is a child, now product of divorce and buffeted by all the huge changes happening around her, who will count on Dad to both protect her from and launch her into the world. Which one needs your attention more ??? Mr. Lucky 2
Author VincentHanna Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I'd like to know if others are in this same kind of setting. Moving less than a mile away to be close to their kids. And if they have embarked on new relationships, what is the situation? Does the new person approve or vehemently disapproves. Mine disapproves and I'm having trouble dealing with it because I truly care about her. At the same time -- and this goes without saying -- I love my daughter and feel I need to be close to her. Half of the people I speak to tell me I'm going crazy for wanting to live so close to my ex and they other half applaud me for doing so. I don't want any accolades. I just want to know if I'm crazy for staying so close.
worldgonewrong Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I can honestly see it from both perspectives. I think if you moved like a block or two away (or whatever), you'd still have that proximity. By living in the same building, it - however falsely - gives off the whiff that you haven't quite put the past in the past. So I understand the GF's perspective. And from my own perspective, I wouldn't want my ex-wife passing me & my GF in the halls every other day either.
Darren Steez Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Come on living in the same block? Even the most understanding girlfriend would go hmmmm? Sure it would be nice for your daughter to run out your house straight next door. But sooner or later problems will crop up. Let's be frank, if any cheating happened and the betrayed came here and said my boyfriend moved next door to his ex, everybody would say, well wasn't it obvious they were still not over each other?
FazedOut Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 To me, if it worked for the last 2 years & the only issue is the g/f objecting... I think you know where the problem lies. (I ,personally, would probably be uncomfortable with it too, though)! She's gotta learn to cope with the facts at hand. It's not like this changed since you've been dating...so it's hard to see fully where her complaint lies. If it bugged her that much , seems she would have never gotten involved with you seriously. I think moving would be a kind& loving gesture, but really, your DAUGHTER should come first and it sounds like it was working quite well as is.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I'd like to know if others are in this same kind of setting. Moving less than a mile away to be close to their kids. And if they have embarked on new relationships, what is the situation? Does the new person approve or vehemently disapproves. Mine disapproves and I'm having trouble dealing with it because I truly care about her. At the same time -- and this goes without saying -- I love my daughter and feel I need to be close to her. Half of the people I speak to tell me I'm going crazy for wanting to live so close to my ex and they other half applaud me for doing so. I don't want any accolades. I just want to know if I'm crazy for staying so close. The fact remains that you and your ex are co-parenting a child. The divorce wasn't your daughter's fault and she should live as normal a life as possible. This means maximum involvement from both parents, no way around that. Even if you moved 5 miles away, you'd still have fairly constant interaction with your ex-wife. Pick ups, drop offs, holidays, birthdays, school functions, sports - like it or not, with kids you're still joined at the hip. And I'd guess that your fiance would still find something to complain about because you'll be constantly trying to balance her needs with your daughter's. Some women can't handle being #2, even if the situation calls for it. I get how she feels. The "step" girlfriend or parent role can be a fairly thankless one. You both should think long and hard before she signs up for it. The drama that's playing out now could just be a sample of things to come... Mr. Lucky
lastresort Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 When I first starting getting divorced a few years ago. I rented a house in the same neighborhood as my ex, like 3 blocks over. She had to drive by my house to get to her house. I must admit. I was always on edge. Sometimes they would go on their evening walk, ex and kids, the boys always wanted to stop by my house. Yes I loved the ease of them being that close but once I got a girlfriend it was very uncomfortable. We had a patio in the front and we couldn't enjoy it. I suggest to you to actually maybe move a block or two away, I'm guessing you live in a City where there is many apartments. Good luck.
Darren Steez Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Girlfriend doesn't have a problem with the daughter, she likes having her around. Do the girlfriend and ex have problems? Or maybe the pertinent question is how often do you spend at your exs place? Above and beyond just picking up your daughter ex? Do you stay for coffee, have chats where you're at her place for periods of time. You get what I'm saying?
Author VincentHanna Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I'm seriously considering staying close to my daughter. This WILL cause problems in my relationship with my girlfriend, but I truly think the right thing is to stay close to my daughter. I can't help but thinking that I'm being selfish for picking the side of my daughter versus my GF. This has been a very difficult decision.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 To put it bluntly, GF's will come and go. Your daughter will need you forever and any woman that doesn't understand that isn't a keeper. It's not a competition and could in fact be a win/win if your GF and daughter develop a bond. But parenting is close up, hands on, everyday work. Nearer is better... Mr. Lucky
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