Initiated and regretting. Going crazy!

[spirius]

Man.

 

I've been going out with this girl for just under two years. To start with, I gave it my all but she wasn't very affectionate and also there was some trust issues in the first few weeks. Quite alot of trust issues. In the first six months she did and said some very hurtful things, though as far as I KNOW, she didn't cheat.

 

I closed off somewhat emotionally and started getting annoyed that I could not do anything except watch telly with her when I got home. We had barely any sex life for most of the relationship.

 

Although I am very stubborn and fight my corner, I mostly saw who I was allowed to see (she would huff and get funny if I went to see someone she did not approve of), went to bed when she went to bed etc etc

 

On the flip side, I really enjoyed doing things with her, we do share a lot of interests and there is alot of chemistry.

 

However for the last year I have been feeling (largely due to confusion about geography as my kids are far away) confused and wishing I was out of the relationship. Sick of being nagged etc and also the way she SOMETIMES spoke to my youngest son despite repeatedly telling her.

 

We lived 4 miles from my work and 4 miles from hers. I can drive. She had to bus in to see work, friends and university. She got sick of paying out for cabs and the inconvenience and said (purely for financial reasons) that she wanted to rent a room near her places. I said I understood that but it was a massive step backwards from living together two years to dating out of student digs. We spoke and agreed to call it a day.

 

Since splitting seven days ago she was making contact initially and we spent the next day cuddling and napping together in her new room. We were both saying had doubts and by four days ago she was wondering if it was the right decision afterall.

 

I by now had felt that the whole situation was my fault and that I was too obsessed with clawing my own time away from the telly, not showing enough affection, not going out enough etc. I explained all this to her Friday night and basically said I wanted to commit, move forward and change my attitude somewhat (friends say I compromise too much with her). Sunday we met up and took kids to Pizza Hut, which was awkward.

At the end I started talking about it some more and later on the day she called said she had thought about it and didn't want it anymore. She said she didnt want to be guilted into changing her mind and texting occasionally was fine etc.

 

Later on after a three hour drive back from dropping kids home, during which I was crying and exhausted, I sent (after she asked why I was having an early night):

 

"Yeah. I love you very much and I will always regret being such a **** boyfriend for the last months. I fought very hard for us for a long time and I didnt mean any of the teasing things I said towards the end when I got confused. Enough said. Going to bed now. Have a good night."

 

She didn't reply (which was, tbf, what I was aiming for...this was not an attempt at begging, just expressing myself).

 

Since then (Sunday night) I haven't had any contact from her.

 

I decided not to contact her till she contacted me (she has the keys to my flat and I have alot of her stuff), but I am going crazy that she isn't making contact.

 

Partly I just want to beg her back, partly just want to maintain the status quo (we share the same hobby and friends etc) and to take her up on her offer of being friendly.

 

Would it hurt to say "hey?" or arrange about her stuff, or should I give her space and wait? Might she change her mind?

 

She is a very black and white person, I am surprised she hasnt contacted me because she is normally nuts about texting etc. I know she is sitting at home watching tv and playing computer games, so how can she not be worrying like I am and making contact?

 

I'm trying to just tell myself this is over, but Im plagued with guilt it is my fault and the thought of her moving on to someone else is ripping me apart. Keep crying at work and really am not holding together well.

 

Help?

[spirius]

I should mention that we lived right next to her work for over a year, but I had a knife stuck in my face on our doorstep in that area. It is very rough and when we got a proper flat, I wanted it to be somewhere safe for when my children come down.

[TaraMaiden]

Contact her (without the hey? how are you? How's things? Nothing like that.)

 

It needs to be plain, unequivocal, no-nonsense and very business-like.

 

Simply say:

 

"I have a lot of your stuff here. Am putting it all into boxes. Would appreciate collection, and return of my keys as soon as possible. Thanks."

 

That sends the finality message loud and clear. And her response will tell you all you need to know.

[MsIndependent1]

Make one last attempt. If she doesn't respond with an open end statement then maybe she just doesn't see a you and her anymore. If she doesn't respond to you. Give her space, work on yourself and get yourself more occupied. It's either she will come to her senses or she won't. Either way you will know in time. But don't let this be your end all be all.

[TaraMaiden]

Make one last attempt. If she doesn't respond with an open end statement then maybe she just doesn't see a you and her anymore. If she doesn't respond to you. Give her space, work on yourself and get yourself more occupied. It's either she will come to her senses or she won't. Either way you will know in time. But don't let this be your end all be all.

 

I personally disagree with the 'one last attempt.'

 

Without wishing to be insulting, the last two times the OP made attempts to talk to this woman, he basically put himself in the position of wrong-doer and took responsibility.

Unfortunately, to any woman with a 'cold streak' (and we can all have them) this type of approach is needy and clingy, and frankly just irritates the crap out of us.

I personally believe that the approach I recommended would stand him on firmer ground....

[spirius]

Wouldn't it be nice if I had some balls?

 

Basically I said that if her decision was final, not to take it personally that I am removing her from FB and that I would drop her stuff off with a housemate later on.

 

Yes, power and dignity gone...but she wasn't coming back anyway so what the hell, at least I genuinely told her how I felt and what I was prepared to do? She gave up despite me giving her numerous reprieves.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm going to have to somehow put this as my tag-lines but 'having balls' is not the trick. They're soft, exposed and vulnerable.

What guys need is to grow a vagina because those can take a pounding and still come out smiling.

 

You need your keys back too. Get your housemate to pick them up for you as they drop off her stuff.

 

Now make sure you go No Contact.

Big time, across the board, fall off her radar, and block, deny, delete.

 

see my signature.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm also wondering, out loud, why people post on a forum, ask for advice on how to handle something, then go ahead and do something without checking on the advice they might have received in the interim...

 

Or, did you check first for responses, then went ahead and worked it your way anyway.....?

 

Just curious.....

[spirius]

Aaaand now I can't bring myself to do it. You really think exes can't be friends?

 

I'm good friends with my first girlfriend of three years and my wife of five...but that took time and space.

[spirius]

Well I read your first response Tara, but didn't want to be quite so stand offish. We are both going to a four day camping event in close proximity at the end of next week and want to be able to be civil around one another when our groups collide. We share friends and a hobby which we do many times a year.

 

So I said morning, asked how she was and she said "I just burnt my toast lol".

 

We had a bit of banter about that and then I said, Ive got alot of your stuff, youve got my keys....any thoughts on how we exchange?

 

We were thus able to negotiate a drop off etc.

 

The truth is that I'm having ALOT of trouble with no contact right now.

Im checking my phone every few minutes, FB every few minutes...I cant believe that what we had has dwinded into nothing so quickly and how she can be so cold so quickly? Doesnt she give a ****? is there no turmoil there at all?

 

Knowing her, maybe not. But my heart has trouble believing it and so when I go to click "unfriend" I feel like Im dumping her all over again...like there really is still a chance.

 

This is denial right? When the girl says its final, I should take it at face value, stop worrying about how she feels and possibilities that will never happen now?

 

To be fair, I don't think that's a bad outcome or am I wrong?

She understands I dont want to be reminded of her every time she pops up on FB and that Im not going to be an arsehole when I see her.

 

It's just beyond belief to me that she is sitting in playing Xbox, watching films and going out with mates as though it is all business as usual. Not a glimmer of anything being amiss.

 

Also worrying she will start bitching about me on FB and I wont be able to see to defend?

 

Everyone I speak to says I am flogging myself for something that really isnt my fault, given the sheer weight of **** that was thrown at me for the first year. I did say to her, look this isn't all my fault...you've done plenty that has led us to the situation, but I am acknowledging where I have been going wrong and what I can change? I was expecting her to do the same really...

[Minneloa]

This is denial right? When the girl says its final, I should take it at face value, stop worrying about how she feels and possibilities that will never happen now?

 

Yes. I know you are very upset right now, and I am sorry for that. At the same time, I strongly encourage you to begin your healing process by deleting her from FB and cutting off contact. You need time and space to process what just happened. The more you engage with her, the more you put off the inevitable of dealing with your loss.

 

Sending good thoughts.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, well, okay.... this is one of the problems with sharing advice, when the whole picture isn't clear. I didn't know you had a camping arrangement...

 

Basically, the two best things you could do are to:

 

One: Quit flogging yourself over this. Your friends are right. It takes 2 to tango, and she must bear 50% of the responsibility for this failing.

It's NOT all on you.

Sad to say, she is being clod about it, but if that's the way she handles things, then so be it. It doesn't necessarily follow though, that she's right in that way, and that you conversely, have to be the 'soft touch' for it.

 

Two: be friendly, but distant. Don't over-try, or 'compensate'. Just be like a buddy and long-time friend, but don't go fawning over her, or be over-zealous with your friendliness....

[spirius]

Sorry, Taramaiden, I wasn't clear. My head is all over the place.

 

In some ways I don't understand where all this emotion is coming from...my head knows this is the right decision...or it did when I made the decision!

 

I've lost 7lbs this week and can't hold myself together etc.

 

I just can't stop obsessing about it. Even going to work isn't making me snap out of it. I can't stop thinking about if she's sleeping with other people and picturing it.

 

Sorry to whine. It's so self indulgent but yet again, I just can't believe it.

 

Got to take the time to learn to be alone I think. My marriage ended and I got straight back with my first girlfriend and there was only about 8 months after that before I got with this girl.

 

So given that is 9 years of solid relationships then this one...probably explains why Im not handling a third break up since 2009 very well

 

Really feel like Im on a treadmill of unsatisfying work, falling for someone and losing them. What's the point?

[TaraMaiden]

I can recommend 'alone' time. if this is something new and alien to you, and something you haven't experienced for a while, then now's the time to indulge yourself. And I mean that, in every sense of the word.

 

Right up there, from being able to afford a week's holiday in the Bahamas, and bringing it down from there to something you can afford to do... think big - and if it's not possible - what's the next best thing?

A weekend away at a spa?

Not possible?

How about a day's pony trekking in the hills?

 

Do something outside your 'comfort zone' for yourself, and learn to explore what your strong points are and actually, what fun it can be to do something alone, for you, by yourself.

 

I think this is a big problem with a lot of people.

They believe the cure for a broken heart is a new relationship. But actually, a broken heart is just setting itself up for more damage, if things go awry....

 

Isn't it better to give the poor old ticker a rest from emotional obligations and just let it heal within the body of a free-spirited person?

 

Learn to appreciate solitude. Understand that your happiness is not - and never should be - dependent on the constant presence of another.

Savour the freedom of being able to behave the way you want to behave, without keeping your guard up. (I don't mean go putting baseball bats into car windscreens, or kicking puppies.... ) But Enjoy the liberty to be your own warden, if you see what I mean.

 

Let go. And live a little.

For you.

[spirius]

Thanks to the three of you for your responses. Is there ever more of a pain in the ass than someone in denial about a break up?

 

Working on me was what led to me feeling guilty, sadly.

 

I would be working on my novel or trying to get my business going but she would get bored and not entertain herself at all, so ultimately I was saying...sorry, I will try to do less

Edited March 19, 2013 by spirius
grammar

[spirius]

Hey all,

 

I've been gathering myself together after a messy day on Tuesday.

 

Brief recap. We broke up on Monday 11th, I felt I made a mistake and put my case on Friday. She decided no on Sunday. I didn't talk to her on Monday and vice versa, but broke on Tuesday.

 

I spent Tuesday night completely packing up her stuff. It took three hours and while she was at the pub, her housemate let me in to spend the next hour putting her stuff in her room.

 

Since then there has been small talk (feels self defeating and I have now stopped it).

 

My big problem now is Facebook.

 

I told her I was going to remove her from FB for own peace of mind, which she was okay with. But her privacy settings are so loose it changed nothing. I am having difficult breaking the cycle of seeing what she is doing and not sure how to proceed. I am worried about pissing her off (she re-friended me after saying she didnt see the need to delete anyway) and ending our amicable split (as far as anyone knows).

 

To give you an idea of the problem. I knew she was at the pub on Tuesday because I was moving things in to her room.

 

I was worried she would go on to this club where we met and take someone home. But FB kindly thought I would like to know she was home by 11.30 and posted SLEEPY TIME around then, watching Dr Who on Netflix. Next day a photo went up which a mutual friend was tagged in. This friend she has slept with before. Then more pics went up on the group at the club...but her and friend were gone.

 

So, maybe he went home because he had work and she didn't fancy the club (never usually goes on that day anyway). Maybe.

 

But I felt that whether it happened or not, I had to accept it might have and so no point worrying about her moving on when it could have happened already. I am feeling less obsessed due to this realisation.

 

But tomorrow night is the club night proper and Im not sure how to get through the barrage of photos on Saturday morning.

 

I am trying to remain dignified or recover what ground I have lost. I am trying to tell myself she really means it and it is over. But Im also scared that taking her off FB is a hostile move that could cause problems at our shared hobby (we go to reenactment camping events for days at a time).

 

Also there is an event at easter. my regiment want me to go to make sure i still keep going and to look after me. but im scared of the proximity.

 

Should I just leave her be now and cut off the small talk?

 

Have I really appeared incredibly needy by stating my case on Friday, getting upset when she told me no on Sunday and asking one last time if she sure on Tuesday, whilst making sure I got all her stuff out and gone?

 

I'm so scared of angering her through facebook etc

[TaraMaiden]

You're posing these questions, because what you're really asking, is -

 

"Is No Contact really the most effective way to deal with a break-up, and how do I do it without hurting feelings?"

 

The answers are, 'yes' and 'you can't always'.

 

But you can implement damage limitation by explaining to her that you're blocking/denying for one reason and one reason alone: It's not to hurt HER - it's to prevent hurting YOU.

 

Admit - this break-up is not something you're happy about, and it saddens you deeply, but you realise that 'one' cannot sufficiently salvage anything for 'two'. So if this is what she wants, you can't change that.

But she has to accept in return, that this is going to change the way you two interact.

She can't have it all her own way, spirius.

There comes a time when in order to help yourself through this, you have to act selfishly - or in a way that might feel, or appear selfish.

But in reality, you need to move on and mend.

And sometimes, amputation is necessary - particularly when it's quick and clean.

 

A slow, messy, prolonged amputation..... well, how do you think that feels....?

 

get my point?

[spirius]

Okay, I buy all of that.

 

What I am concerned about is whether she really DOES feel that way. People do often say things they don't mean.

 

Is there no part of you that thinks I should keep on fighting?

 

Monday - broke up

Tuesday - spent the day cuddling in her new place and stayed late, got dinner etc

Wednesday - went out for a drive after work

Thursday - I went out. She said it was weird. I said the break up didn't feel right. She said was not sure.

Friday - After work I laid it all out on the line, told her how I truly felt about her and what I could change. She was laughing, thanked me for being so honest etc. Said it was alot to process so wanted a chance to think.

Saturday - she didn't contact me until 1pm then went to work. After work she sent me "Heya!" and signed off with kisses etc

Sunday - We met up with my kids. She said it felt awkward and that I was trying to hard. I was by this point frantic about reversing our decision. I just wanted to hold her hand and show her how much I do love her. Afterwards we went for a drive and I tried to reinforce Friday's message, that I wanted to move forward with the relationship rather than end it. This was because she kept talking about a camping event we are going to in two weeks time as though we would not be together.

 

How can you go from kisses and wanting to meet up, to deciding it is over so suddenly?

 

What if with a little persistence I could change her mind?

 

I see that this could a) work or b) make me look clingy needy and all the things you suggest.

 

She is persistently saying it is final, sure. But there are countless guys I work with here telling me that women are always saying that and change their minds.

 

I felt okay last night, but because I have not tried to see her etc since Sunday, I'm worrying that she is just backing off for fear I will get upset again when if we met normally, she might reverse the decision.

 

I appreciate I am going in circles, but...opinion appreciated.