th90 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I'm feeling anxious thinking that my ex probably has a new gf by now. It's been 4 and a half months. So how do I get to indifference when I feel like I've plateaued for quite a while? I haven't cried for 2 months. As long as I keep myself away from any memory trigger, any news/updates related to him, I'm fine. But I know I'm not recovered. If something about him pops up months or even years later, I'll still get a nervous breakdown. At this stage, I realized that time does not propel me to full recovery or indifference. At times I feel like the only way to progress further is to break NC. Well I'm not looking for answers but would like to hear from people who are going/have went through the same thing.
iKING Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Indifference isn't as great as it sounds. Time will heal your wounds, don't break NC, and don't think It's never going to change. Once you're over him and find love again it'll be like it never even happened. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. Live life, have fun, the past is in the past now and all you can do is stay in the present to build the future. Don't go numb, you won't like it for very long. 3
Phanpooh Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Nobody know when and why. But it come to you, no matter how long you were in pain or how much you loved exes. And then it just hit you, you start to question, why did you dated that person? Were they really a good chance for relationship? Or just your own illusion. Even they gonna crawl back to you, you wonder there would be a choice or just second chance? Exactly you will feel nothing. Then reason is, life always change, and yes, you gonna make up your mind and get ready to move on, soon 2
h3braica Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 it's been 12 weeks since BU. i broke NC on the 5th week cause i feel a strong urge of answering his email by saying i miss him too. i thought it would help me to moved on but i thought wrong. replying to his email made me miss him more. he answered back with 'miss u still' after 4 days and decided to ignore him forever. NC is suicide but we need to stick with it for us to heal. whenever i miss him i send a 100x miss u's in his email or phone literally. but now whenever i miss him i just cried myself to sleep. sad but true.
Author th90 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 it's been 12 weeks since BU. i broke NC on the 5th week cause i feel a strong urge of answering his email by saying i miss him too. i thought it would help me to moved on but i thought wrong. replying to his email made me miss him more. he answered back with 'miss u still' after 4 days and decided to ignore him forever. NC is suicide but we need to stick with it for us to heal. whenever i miss him i send a 100x miss u's in his email or phone literally. but now whenever i miss him i just cried myself to sleep. sad but true. It'll get easier. I'm at 4 months plus NC and I've been happy nearly everyday. Some days get a little bit bad and I start missing him, but that's all. Which is why I stated I've plateaued. There's quite an effective way for me to stay in NC when I miss my ex. I just write the emails and save them as drafts. When I feel much better, I open them again to find how stupid I actually sound and thank god I didn't send them. I hope you'll find a similar way to maintain NC.
Renard99 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Time can and will help you to make a full recovery. You've only been out of the relationship for 4 months, which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't very long. For me, it was only after 9 months that I was happy again and then it was about 3 or 4 months after that before I became indifferent. Overall it took about a year. The other thing for me was the fact that you don't look for indifference, it finds you. You don't notice it's there either. It slowly creeps up on you without you realising it. I can assure you that breaking NC will not help at all. You say that you're fine as long as you avoid memory triggers.... surely talking to him will be the biggest memory trigger possible? 2
Author th90 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 The other thing for me was the fact that you don't look for indifference, it finds you. You don't notice it's there either. It slowly creeps up on you without you realising it. I can assure you that breaking NC will not help at all. You say that you're fine as long as you avoid memory triggers.... surely talking to him will be the biggest memory trigger possible? I know I'm rushing it, out of frustration. As much as I thought I've let go, I actually haven't at all. You just reminded me that I need to let things go. I know I'm the sort of person who holds onto the past very strongly because there are too many things I deem priceless. This is why I said I'll still get a breakdown if anything about him pops up in my future. You're right. But by breaking NC, I mean to say hi and ask how he's doing and maybe catch up a little as friends. I don't plan to say things like I miss you or ask if there's any hope for us. Perhaps I'll make some progression to move on then? Then again I may actually be making up excuses to break NC and talk to him again. I really don't know.
cavalier99 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'm feeling anxious thinking that my ex probably has a new gf by now. It's been 4 and a half months. So how do I get to indifference when I feel like I've plateaued for quite a while? I haven't cried for 2 months. As long as I keep myself away from any memory trigger, any news/updates related to him, I'm fine. But I know I'm not recovered. If something about him pops up months or even years later, I'll still get a nervous breakdown. At this stage, I realized that time does not propel me to full recovery or indifference. At times I feel like the only way to progress further is to break NC. Well I'm not looking for answers but would like to hear from people who are going/have went through the same thing. Hey gal! I'm sorta plateaued also. But the thing is it seems ok. I think we just keep on going. Simple. Indifference comes when it comes. We need to make peace with where we are at RIGHT now. So now is fine. Control your thoughts. Stay present. Life is good. And no... breaking NC will not propel you forward. Time will help guaranteed. You are making progress just don't rush it. Be happy now. There is no destination. I mean ill be happy when I'm 100 percent indifferent but until then all is good anyway. Trying to foster this attitude at least. Rock on! Cav 1
carhill Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 So how do I get to indifference when I feel like I've plateaued for quite a while? Acceptance. This is life. This is real. All the thinking and processing cannot alter the real. Accept the real. Additionally, for people my age, there is the clarity that we are on the backside of our lives, meaning that life doesn't appear to be this limitless opportunity anymore, so accepting the now and making the most of the now becomes more of a priority. It's very freeing. Good luck. 2
cavalier99 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'm feeling surprisingly ambivalent...and dare i say sorta happy. I have my bad moments but i can quickly shake it off. Weird. Th90 I think this phase it is all about controlling our thinking now and not going back into the past too much. Just enjoying life without letting our brains derail everything. Unnecessary thinking is the enemy, produces negative emotions and takes us out of the NOW. Even when i think of things I'm trying to detach myself from the thoughts if that makes any sense. Very peaceful to be able to do this. I guess don't let your brain mess up your inner peace..not sure if that makes sense. Im doing this with a lot of things not just my RS. Cav
Author th90 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I'm feeling surprisingly ambivalent...and dare i say sorta happy. I have my bad moments but i can quickly shake it off. Weird. Th90 I think this phase it is all about controlling our thinking now and not going back into the past too much. Just enjoying life without letting our brains derail everything. Unnecessary thinking is the enemy, produces negative emotions and takes us out of the NOW. Even when i think of things I'm trying to detach myself from the thoughts if that makes any sense. Very peaceful to be able to do this. I guess don't let your brain mess up your inner peace..not sure if that makes sense. Im doing this with a lot of things not just my RS. Cav I'm really happy for you. We've come thus far and now I think my brain is trying to tell me it's time to try for a friendship. You're right, it's messing me up. I went out a lot lately but I started feeling extremely empty when I got back one night. I tried to stay at home since last week and kept thinking it should be okay to break NC now. After reading the responses I got, I realized what I've been having is an intoxicating thought. I should shift the focus back to myself. So for tonight, I'll be going for a movie with some friends 1
Renard99 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 now I think my brain is trying to tell me it's time to try for a friendship. You're right, it's messing me up. After reading the responses I got, I realized what I've been having is an intoxicating thought. Can you honestly say that you do not miss him at all and you can keep you thoughts and feelings totally on being friends, forgetting all ideas of a relationship? That’s how you need to be in order to be friends and I personally don’t think you’re in that position. You’ve said it yourself. You have an intoxicating thought and you’re trying to run with it in anyway you can. You’ve thought of a way to keep him in your life and that’s really attractive to a brain that’s craving that person’s company. Surely having your ex as a friend will be like constantly reminding yourself “here’s what you could have won” and I don’t see that as a way to move forward
Addison312 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Time has a lot to do with it. You can't rush it as your heart will heal in its own way. Maybe go out on a few dates...nothing serious, but interacting with the opposite sex may help.
Author th90 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Can you honestly say that you do not miss him at all and you can keep you thoughts and feelings totally on being friends, forgetting all ideas of a relationship? No, I don't know if I'd be able to get past the idea of a relationship with him but I can and will keep my thoughts and feelings on being friends only. I know, easier said than done but I'm quite confident that I'll only show him the strong side of me. That’s how you need to be in order to be friends and I personally don’t think you’re in that position. You’ve said it yourself. You have an intoxicating thought and you’re trying to run with it in anyway you can. You’ve thought of a way to keep him in your life and that’s really attractive to a brain that’s craving that person’s company. Surely having your ex as a friend will be like constantly reminding yourself “here’s what you could have won” and I don’t see that as a way to move forward True, my brain is messing me up. But my temptation to break NC doesn't come from a hope for reconciliation, it's more like I want to know if I'd be ok with being friends. If I'm ok, doesn't that mean I've actually recovered more than I thought I had? I'll stick to NC for now though. As I've mentioned, I think I've been rushing it and that's in no way a proper path to recovery. Time has a lot to do with it. You can't rush it as your heart will heal in its own way. Maybe go out on a few dates...nothing serious, but interacting with the opposite sex may help. To be honest, I couldn't even allow myself to flirt with guys anymore. I've tried to chill a little but I felt disgusted and I don't know why. Lol. Ya maybe time has a lot to do with it.
Renard99 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 No, I don't know if I'd be able to get past the idea of a relationship with him but I can and will keep my thoughts and feelings on being friends only. I know, easier said than done but I'm quite confident that I'll only show him the strong side of me. The fact that you don't know if you'd be able to get past the idea of the relationship says that you aren't ready. You say you'll only show him your strong side, which says you still have a side of you that hurts. You need to eliminate that other side completely before you decide to be friends. Otherwise you're just using your 'strong side' to paper over the cracks. If you go into this with the wrong mindset you open yourself up to the potential for a whole load of emotional pain and you won't know about it until it's too late. True, my brain is messing me up. But my temptation to break NC doesn't come from a hope for reconciliation, it's more like I want to know if I'd be ok with being friends. If I'm ok, doesn't that mean I've actually recovered more than I thought I had? I'll stick to NC for now though. As I've mentioned, I think I've been rushing it and that's in no way a proper path to recovery. As you've correctly identified, you're in too much of a hurry to recover. To me, you sound like you're in a hurry to not only recover, but to also show your ex that you've recovered. To do this you want the friendship which also seems like a way to get him back in your life in one form or another...... it all sounds terribly unhealthy to me. Give it time. As I say it took me a year. You'll know when you're healed when you find indifference, and, like I said before, it's not something that you go looking for. It creeps up on you when you least expect it and one day you go 'oh, there it is'. It is at that point you can say you're healed and, in my opinion, it's then that you try for friendship if you still want it, but up until that point, live like the guy doesn't exist.
spiderowl Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I think you decide at some deep level that they are not the right one for you. This is not necessarily a conscious thing, just happens. It doesn't seem to happen for some and they post online because they can't let go. If someone is right for you, they won't be avoiding you, ignoring you or hurting you, That's not attraction, it's a negative force. The magic happens when you both feel a positive force and it continues to grow rather than stalling. If you are not both drawn together, then something is amiss. Unrequited love really hurts; that pain should be telling you something essential. She is not the right one!
Author th90 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 The fact that you don't know if you'd be able to get past the idea of the relationship says that you aren't ready. You say you'll only show him your strong side, which says you still have a side of you that hurts. You need to eliminate that other side completely before you decide to be friends. Otherwise you're just using your 'strong side' to paper over the cracks. If you go into this with the wrong mindset you open yourself up to the potential for a whole load of emotional pain and you won't know about it until it's too late. As you've correctly identified, you're in too much of a hurry to recover. To me, you sound like you're in a hurry to not only recover, but to also show your ex that you've recovered. To do this you want the friendship which also seems like a way to get him back in your life in one form or another...... it all sounds terribly unhealthy to me. Give it time. As I say it took me a year. You'll know when you're healed when you find indifference, and, like I said before, it's not something that you go looking for. It creeps up on you when you least expect it and one day you go 'oh, there it is'. It is at that point you can say you're healed and, in my opinion, it's then that you try for friendship if you still want it, but up until that point, live like the guy doesn't exist. I cannot deny that I'm also rushing to show him that I'm over him.. which is almost impossible to achieve in merely 4months after a 7+ years relationship. I think the whole healing process is getting frustrating for me. And like I said, I've plateaued. What you've written is very insightful, thank you so much! I think you decide at some deep level that they are not the right one for you. This is not necessarily a conscious thing, just happens. It doesn't seem to happen for some and they post online because they can't let go. If someone is right for you, they won't be avoiding you, ignoring you or hurting you, That's not attraction, it's a negative force. The magic happens when you both feel a positive force and it continues to grow rather than stalling. If you are not both drawn together, then something is amiss. Unrequited love really hurts; that pain should be telling you something essential. She is not the right one! Thanks, I get what you're saying but I think I'm in a different situation?
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