Surreal

[Locutus]

I am recently separated from my wife of 10 years. She asked me to leave, and I did, knowing from the look in her eye and the strength of her intent that she truly wanted me to go. There was no infidelity, just 10 years of up-and-down, difficulty mixed with some good memories.

 

We have 5 children all younger than 10. I don't think they truly understand what has just occurred (despite being unusually intelligent), and are in for a massive grieving process when the recent months expand into a year, perhaps more.

 

Because I have such a large family, it became necessary for me to earn a lot of money as fast as I can. Child support payments are going to be intimidating. So, I moved across the country to a job that will pay me handsomely, even though it will only be enough to just get us all by.

 

The first month of separation saw me in tears every day. And because I was still at home with my former lover and my children, I was helped along by her gentleness and kindness toward me. We continued to sleep in the same bed, and cuddle at night for that month, but I have a feeling she was only obliging me because she was letting me go gently, not because she wanted to.

 

Now, after a second month -- this time alone and across the country -- I have passed through the blackouts/anxiety attacks, and the suicidal ideations. The one thing that has kept me sane is picturing my awesome children, and seeing their beautiful faces again.

 

But there are still so many issues of concern for me:

1. 1. How will my wife protect our children without me around? I mean, physically protect them? There are a couple of neighbours around her, but one of them is a criminal and kind of creepy.
    
   2. How do I deal with the fact that she has told me that she's quite happy without me there, and that she's ready to find a new romantic relationship? I feel as if I've been displaced from my own life, and she's telling me about replacing me in her life. Is this normal? Is it a defensive manouever on her part to get me to distance myself?
    
   3. She wants me to take my name off a major purchase we made together for our children. I feel as if by doing so, my efforts at providing something my children can inherit from me will be erased; my name will not be part of their future gift, and that really distresses me. I don't know how to approach her on this issue without her laying out ultimatums that could potentially destroy what little sanctity I'm trying to preserve for them all.
    
   4. She wants to place her maiden name after the last name they gained from me at birth. This will make it easier for her to travel out of country, if she wants to, without having to produces all sorts of other documentation proving who she is in relation to my children. I'm not entirely against this; it seems sensible. But I'm just not sure how to deal, emotionally, with her sudden and quick resolve to resurrect her maiden name and then append it to our children in such a short time after our separation (two months).
   

 

I guess I'm just not sure how to deal with all of my conflicting emotions. I'm throwing myself into my work, and that's supposed to help. But it doesn't. It just means my mind and emotions are swirling at a million miles a second, while my body is exerting itself to overload. I'm trying to learn to breathe through my anxious feelings, my depressive feelings, and simply love her anyway, regardless of the fact that she no longer wants me romantically involved in her life.

 

I'm trying to remain open to living with, and feeling through this massive transition into sudden singleness. But I have these phantom feelings, these surreal moments of feeling like this is all a stupid dream and I'll wake up soon. I have these odd hopeful flashes that I'll hear her voice, or my children will come running around the corner at any moment. Reality is cold and brutal, though. None of that is happening. I'm alone and I'm scared, and I don't know how to start pursuing my happiness again.

 

My identity for 10 years has been so thoroughly linked to my wife's that without her, I feel as if I'm missing. It's a bit of an insane feeling, and it often leaves me weeping quietly in the bathroom at work, or screaming in my car on the way home, or crashing onto my bed in a half-awake zombie-like state for hours at a time.

 

I have a counselor that I see regularly (1x/week), and I'm trying to re-prioritize old passions in my life that I put on the back-burner to be with my family. But everything I do oozes with feelings of shame, regrets, guilt, longing, unrequited love, and desperation for my children.

 

I don't know how to ease the pain. It feels as if my insides have been lit on fire, quite literally, and that I'm on my way to being a living death. I even self-committed to a hospital at one point, the emotional pain was so unbearable that my physical self was in agony.

 

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs. I've only ever slept with one woman, and that's the woman who asked me to leave after 10 years. I'm not interested in casual sex or one-night stands; I have enjoyed 10 years of meaningful love-making, and I don't see how I can do anything but that, or even why I should. But a couple of my guy friends think I should lean into that fear and simply experience it because it might help me to dis-identify from my wife a little better. The thing is, though: I still lover her so deeply that I would feel as if I'm betraying her (if that option even came up; which, thankfully, so far, it hasn't).

 

Does this concentric hell lessen? Does it eventually go away? And how should I prepare for dealing with my kids telling me that Mommy keeps seeing so-and-so if and when that comes about? I don't know if, at this point, I could survive that knowledge.

 

I'm terrified of the future.

 

~Locutus

[TailSpin75]

Hello Locutus - I am sorry to hear of your suffering and am in a similar position myself. While our stories are different our struggle seems to be the same.

 

Like you I wrestle with the relentless ebb and flow of emotions and their ranging intensity. I know too well how frightful the world and the future look when carrying around this burden.

 

A couple of things you mentioned wrestling with are bridges which will or may be crossed in the future and the idea (or recommendation) to 'get with' another woman. I find myself plagued by these thoughts as well and am beginning to find peace (though not always) with the fact that they do not truly matter at this time. I find that when I ponder events which will (or may) occur in the future - no good feelings from that. Also, there is nothing that I can do - no problem to solve - no strategy to be discovered. It seems that with the passing of time these emotions which torture us will begin to diminish. Time spent pondering, dwelling, or considering the future right now only seems to add unnecessary stress to a situation that's overwhelming in and of itself.

 

Regard the idea of being with another woman... I have a buddy who has been and continues to be convinced that it's what I 'need'. When I tell him I appreciate that it's a method that might work for him - I am simply not there, have no desire, and am actually very intimidated by the thought. His claim is that I'm not ready because I say I'm not ready. I spent some time 'beating myself up' over that thought - but have come to fully accept that I'll know when I'm ready and for the time being I know I am not. Like you - there are far too many other 'things' to process, digest, and accept before getting to that place.

 

Locutus do you journal? I'm a huge fan of journaling - it's a method that works for me. I find it's something to do to pass time and a great battlefield for the war inside you to be fought. I'm a little more than 3 months since the divorce announcement and tend to be a hot mess most of the time. Occasionally I'll look back in my journals and take some comfort with particular thoughts I have been able to let go of or recognize a wider margin of progress that's so evident in my writing when it may not 'feel' that way at any given moment.

 

It's seems that you would be aware that recovering from an emotional trauma such as ours is expected to be a slow and painfully long process. My therapist had called me out a number of times for trying to 'rush the process'. Of course - when it feels as though you've been set on fire... the idea of letting time pass until the fire burns out seems way less tempting than to jump into a river. Unfortunately time is the river in our (and many other) cases.

 

I still find that I'm prone to trying to rush things - I grow tired of the bombardment of thoughts and feelings - things from which I cannot escape or find peace. I have many days and there are so many situations in which I feel like I move through life without any skin - completely sensitive to everything.

 

It sounds to me that you are doing your best to move through this recovery process in a healthy manner. And from my own experience and the experiences which others have shared it doesn't appear that what you are experiencing is anything abnormal - unfortunately it seems to be the nature of the beast.

[aMguilts]

best thing you can do?

is move back in

she wants out let her frigging move out

 

aM

[Techie Artist]

I'm curious and shocked that you simply left because you were asked. Were you just stunned or did you see it coming? Did she threaten or scare you? If not, why didn't you fight back? You clearly love her and your children. What is she up to? Why aren't you fighting?!

[ibmabrevlis]

I'm by far no expert but as a woman, and I am really only speculating, I am not sure I would be entirely convinced that your wife of 10 years is absolutely certain of her own mind......and I say this simply because I am concerned that after having 5 children in 10 years it may well be something else which is bringing her to this point. As a woman it is so easy to fall in to a role which you perhaps never really imagined yourself occupying.....wife, homemaker, mum to an entire brood, and sometimes, and note the word sometimes, this can have mind altering effects. We women are complex and can often think we want something which we don't. I have no idea what your problems have been in the past....but you say infidelity has not been one of them. Your sex life (which you consider to have been love making which in itself is a hugely positive attribute) doesn't sound to be problematic. Are you sure there is not something you have missed....and I don't mean to sound trite. I think I might be inclined to fight somewhat to save the relationship. To go back, ensure there is no other involved and then in the politest terms say I am here to put us back on track and to get this thing together. Five children is too many souls to disturb merely on her believing perhaps there is something better out there or that she simply doesn't love you anymore. Unless there are major dysfunctions then I am certain you can work it out. Perhaps you have tried all of this, perhaps she really does mean what she says but I for one find it hard to comprehend. I think perhaps she has somehow lost her way and may need steering (unless of course you have been a complete git for the last 10 years and just don't realise it?!!!).