Pierre Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 There is a very old saying that says: "If you want to know what your spouse will be like in the future just check his family" FOO and memes are powerful. And this thread shows it quite well. Some additional points to consider regarding family health, family systems, the effects of infidelity and the family life cycle: Thorson (2009) discovered the secret keeping was a common tool used in family systems who experience infidelity. A child who resorts to or is encouraged to keep secrets, might feel like he can maintain homeostasis by keeping the secret. Thorson (2009) also found that young adults would often use code words to discuss their parents infidelity, as opposed to referring to it as an "affair" or as "infidelity". How effectively can young adults (or children...or anyone!) emotionally process thoroughly without being able to call the event by it's real name? Families may identify patterns of infidelity "within several generations of their family" (Moultrup, 1990, cited in Hertlein, et al., 2005, p.13) Appropriate boundaries are needed within a family to help the system maintain it's balance (Rosenblatt and Waldfogel, 1983). Does the presence of infidelity mean there are poor boundaries within the family system? Infidelity may exist as a system itself, or a subsystem of a family system. http://infidelityinformation.wikispaces.com/Infidelity+and+the+Family+Life+Cycle
MissBee Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) I don't want to t/j and I also don't want to seem as coming off as a smartas* but a thread on the infedelity board has me wondering. Alot of people here say that an OW/OM WS had something broken in them in their childhood to be ok with being involved in an A. (I've said many times that I had a great childhood and disagree that this is a "must" for an OW/OM). So now my question, if you're an OW/OM WS whose childhood did involve infedelity and you believe that contributed into your getting involved in an A (and this would be for BSs whose WS had infedelity in their childhood) and you have children, do you believe your child will get involved in an A?? If infedelity is "passed on", does that mean you think your child is doomed from the time they find out that one of their parents cheated into themselves having an A? Would that mean that you should warn your children's future spouse that infedelity may be part of their future? Having had an A and knowing that my children know, I don't think that's a guarantee that they will have an A. I certainly wasn't exposed to infedelity as a child but I had a 3 year A. I do not think being in an affair guarantees your children will be in one, or the only people who engage in infidelity are those with that in their FOO. That is too simplistic. But like breast cancer, if it runs in your family, your chances are higher but it is not a guarantee you'll get it just like people whose families don't have it, doesn't mean they are guaranteed never to get it. I think if you have been exposed to infidelity in your childhood it affects your outlook on relationships, and it is often subconscious. It did for me. If you asked me 4 years ago if I thought the fact that my dad was a philanderer had anything to do with my own relationship choices, I'd blank stare you like "Huh? Of course not." It has only been in the last few years that I began to see patterns in my relationship choices (only one A...well two technically) and in working them through saw how I absorbed, without realizing, so many energies, feelings, attitudes about relationships/myself based on the primary one I grew up seeing. It's like your brain processes and absorbs these in the background while you're living your life and you have no clue you have even absorbed these things. It doesn't always manifest as you then going on to be in an affair yourself, but can manifest in many other ways. For me....I didn't end up cheating on anyone, but often picked men like my dad, and aided someone in cheating. I also realized I developed a fear of commitment so would subconsciously pick all kinds of unavailable scenarios: LDRs, As, workaholics etc. Many OW I have seen come to LS...as they share more and more...many reveal that they were either a BS to many cheaters, they had cheating parents or other scenarios, that while they may think it means nothing, seems obvious those things have had some imprint on their mentality. Edited March 19, 2013 by MissBee 5
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