AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Some background on my story.....I received a phone call at work from the OW husband (who also happened to be my WS best friend). Turns out they had been meeting on and off (once or twice a year) from January 2000-February 2007. We had been married 4 years when it first happened and had 2 kids (age 4 and 2). My WS is military so it was easy for him to meet her in other states under the guise of military travel. I was shocked to say the least - he totally destroyed my fairy tale. I never believed in divorce - my folks have been married almost 50 years. He has been totally transparent and we talked everything through. He answered all of my questions and gave me all log-ins/passwords. I have forgiven him but I just cannot forget. We have been together 19 years, married almost 17. The kids are now teenagers and will be out on their own in 3 years. I recently started IC (I am an ACOA) and am hoping this will help me. I know I need to work on myself before my WS and I can start MC. This is my first time posting or really talking about this to anyone but my best friend or counselor. I feel very disconnected from him and things in general.......look forward to your replies.
road Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 ACOA? Do you know what ALCOA is? Even though is has been 6 years you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. A great guide to heaing. There are probably so many things that you and your WH have needed to do to heal that still need to be done. Then another Harley book. His Needs Hers Needs will help you both to improver the marriage. No one ever forgets an affair. Though many have had better marraiges poet affair. Get working so you can be there too. Those books are not that expensive. 1
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 have you told your husband how you feel? have you done so all along? if you don't feel comfortable talking,have you tried writing out your feelings to him? sometimes that can be easier... We talked a lot after it first happened but I have not communicated it lately. I get very emotional when I try to talk (cry too much) and forget what I want to say. I have thought about writing it down. what sort of "heavy lifting" did the two of you do to reconcile? What do you mean by "heavy lifting"? some people are able to move forward quickly, and some, not so quickly at all. some have issues that arise months or even years later but don't feel they should"dredge up the past"...but if you have a problem,you need to work through it together...bottling it up to spare his feelings only leads to resentment later... counseling is a good idea, but marriage counseling doesn't necessarily have to wait while you work on yourself...many people find it helpful to do both, and any issues that arise can be worked on in the counseling sessions...ask your therapist/counselor his or her opinion on the matter Thank you so much for your response and advice!!
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 ACOA? Adult Children of Alcoholics Do you know what ALCOA is No Even though is has been 6 years you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. I will definitely get that book - thank you! A great guide to heaing. There are probably so many things that you and your WH have needed to do to heal that still need to be done. Then another Harley book. His Needs Hers Needs will help you both to improver the marriage. No one ever forgets an affair. Though many have had better marraiges poet affair. Get working so you can be there too. Those books are not that expensive. Thank you for your help!
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Hi there! Where are you emotionally with this? Are you still very angry with him? Still unsure about his feelings? Still finding it hard to get close to him without the memories of it deeply affecting you? Hi! I thought I was okay. I am still very angry and hurt. I still love him but am unsure if I am "in love with him". I thought I avoided counseling for so long because I was afraid of what HE was going to say but I am now realizing I was afraid of what I was going to say. I am very good a pretending "everything is okay" because that is what I have always done. But it is not enough for me anymore. I deserve more than that. I believe he loves me but I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. He lied and cheated for 7 years. Who is this person?? I'm sorry to hear that 6 years out you're still suffering so much. It's moments like this, seeing your story and sadness, that makes me wonder how any WS/OM/OW can act so casually. The ramifications of an A are really deep. It kills a part of you that you can never get back. You realize that you won't ever 'forget', right? He cheated. DDay was a major event for you. It wasn't positive, like the birth of a child, but it was major enough that you will remember it forever. You cannot go back in time and have him 'uncheat' and you won't ever forget this. You just need to learn to live with it, and it appears that this is what you're struggling with. That is exactly what I am struggling with. I know I will never forget. It is with me every day. Things still trigger it.....scenes in movies/tv shows especially. I actually had to get up and leave the room the other night during a show. A character (male) was saying "but I love my wife" and the ow said "but your wife's not here". Made me want to vomit. By the way, you said OW was his best friend's wife. How nice. Did OW and your H's best friend stay together or did they divorce? I have no idea. We cut off all contact with them on DDay. She tried to contact me once or twice (she always tried to be my friend but I never liked her....gee - wonder why!?!) but I never responded. They have 2 children but my husband is not her first A. She goes after married men regularly. I appreciate your questions and advice. Thanks.
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 S & S - You say he has been great.....what has he done? My husband was very remorseful in the beginning but is back to blah. I don't feel cherished or loved or happy. I just feel like I am going through the motions. Part of it is my fault, because I want everybody to be happy, all of the time, so I present that happy front - but inside I am miserable. He does not know that I am unsure about staying or leaving. That is why I am in counseling....... I agree with you that I want to give our marriage a chance first, because the A has changed who I am as a person, with or without him. How long has it been for you? You seem so settled and so smart. Thanks for your insight.
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Ha! Can you tell my H how settled and smart I am? That makes me laugh - thanks - I needed that today! It really is the little things that have changed. It's the attitude he has. It's clear that he's happy to be with me. Before he was 'happy' but there was always a part of him that seemed to wish he were free. When that freedom was put in front of him (by that I mean when I threw him out) he realized what he had just thrown away and it killed him. Sometimes people can get so used to one another that they forget they are with them by choice. He said that he just couldn't ever even envision life without me in it. That I'd always 'just be there'. When I threw him out he learned quickly that wasn't so. I'm beginning to think maybe I should have thrown him out when I got the call.....but I was in such a different place mentally then. Not strong. Very vulnerable. He and the kids have been my life since I was 21 years old. I have had somewhat of an epiphany lately....(I think a lot of it started when my best and dearest friend's police officer husband was killed on the job a few years ago)....we went to a major city together recently to accept an award for him and went out for drinks together. While out, she and I were hit on by a few good-looking, successful men. It was flattering - I realized I am a strong, beautiful woman. I deserve someone who will cherish me, my love and be happy with me. I'm stronger now and not vulnerable. Do I settle for someone I have history with? Do I give it up because I can't forget? Do I give him a second chance after he has broken my heart? How is your husband in general? Is he the same as before DDay? It's been a while, so can you even remember that? Not being cruel there - just asking. It's been 6 years for you, so you may not really remember pre-DDay. He doesn't really talk. Pretty much the same as before Dday. Complains about money. Does not compliment me. Ever. Holds my hand if I reach for it first. Does sweet things occasionally. Great dad. Wonderful provider. Believe me - I remember Dday - down to what I was wearing, what the weather was like, etc. Wish I could forget it. Do you think you still love him? Do you want this to work, or are you just staying for the kids? And THAT is the question of the day! I know I still love him. I think I want this to work but I am not sure if it will. I married him with the vow "till death do us part" but he forgot the "forsaking all others" part! Thanks again S & S for the thoughtful questions......
2sunny Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Can you know for sure he hasn't seen her or communicated with her since all those years ago?
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Can you know for sure he hasn't seen her or communicated with her since all those years ago? He has been VERY transparent since Dday.....but I will never be 100% sure ever again of anybody. My gut says he has not seen her or communicated with her and when I have asked he has said no.
Author AGirlOnFire Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Be careful of the Harley books and methods. They will tell you that you can be romantically in love with your H for the rest of your life. And so, when you find yourself feeling like you do now - you tend 2 think you're doing something wrong. They'll also tell you that YOU are responsible for MAKING your spouse love you, and that you are also responsible for meeting their emotional needs. That latter is a little more subtle, because we all have needs, right? And we did make promises 2 cherish and honor, right? That is interesting. I don't agree that I am responsible for making him love me and for meeting his emotional needs. This is a partnership but I don't want to be "responsible" for something I may not have control over. Interesting. Frank Pittman (from "Grow Up! How taking responsibility can make you a happy adult"): "Marriage is the promise - not the emotions, not even the relationship, but the commitment. To be worth anything more than a vacation together, a boarding arrangement, or a temporary job, a marital promise must be made to withstand and weather all human emotions, and inhuman ones as well." For the longest time, I couldn't find this whole quote, also from Frank Pittman's book (the first part is easy 2 find with a google search, but it's not complete): "Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than wasting your adulthood looking for a structure." I LOVE THIS! That is what I miss. The feeling of security. That was blown out of the water on Dday. I don't feel safe anymore. I was 100% in and trusted blindly - stupid on my part. The fact that I was deceived for 7 years is tough to swallow. I know the feeling you describe, and though it might seem hopeless, it really isn't. There are plenty of positive signs in what you described, so I think the biggest concern I might have is whether you have expectations (conscious or otherwise) of restoring that giddy in-love feeling you had when you were younger. If you do, you might remain in this funk for a long time. But you're old enough and have been married long enough 2 know, I think, that love within marriage is a lot deeper than simple chemistry. It will be THAT kind of love that will pull you through. That giddy in-love feeling doesn't last, I know....it was gone before Dday. He was my best friend. My soulmate. That is what makes it hard. I miss the trust, the fun, the silliness.....it feels so heavy now. And the sad thing is, I don't think he even has a clue...... Thanks for the advice 2long.....it was like a warm hug!
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 He's not the man you thought he could be. Has he done counseling to determine why he cheated? Has he done the hard work to learn how he's never tempted to cheat again? She must have filled a void in his life - what was it? He should know - and he should be willing to share it with you - after all - he should be working to repair the damage he's done - by growing your M better/different than it's ever been.
dichotomy Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 7 years.... still struggling and finding a way to let go.
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