PoeticBliss Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Hey guys, I'm new to this forum and I've basically got nowhere to really turn to when it comes to these things as my friends aren't much of a help, and wherever I'm with them I see her around so anyways sounds vague but I'll get to the details.. There's a girl I've met in November, and at first I could hardly call us friends, she quite honestly hated me then, as I'd make fun of her ex and always joke around. Eventually we started talking and seeing each other more during winter break (December) while accompanied with friends, and she started growing on me. On new years eve, after the fireworks, it was just me and her, after a bit of flirting throughout the day, I guess it got to a point where I got a bit serious and told her that I liked her. She got all quiet and seemed like she was in some panic or shock and just giggled. I felt kind of embarrassed myself and she felt I was kidding because of how she seen me as a person months ago. She started asking my friends about me and they told me I've been acting a bit odd lately, and she told them what I told her and they were pretty shocked and told her that it sounds like I'm pretty serious. She started texting me more that day, and before I know it, we started dating. A week later goes by and she texts me saying that night when I told her that I liked her she had butterflies in her stomach and realized how much she's grown into liking me, she claimed she wished we did happen but she had to let me go. I didn't bitch or cry about it, I let it be and said, well that's life lol, what can you do right, with school starting up, we're both Engineering major's so it's hard to cope with time, I realized it was probably the best thing for us. A couple days later I couldn't hold it in me to forget her, and she came around once again, and we started texting regularly, and calling, and then next thing you know we started dating again. As we got to know each other more, we've realized how much things we have in common shockingly, from our past growing up, experiences, etc. Regardless of that, we still had many differences but she's quite the spiritual person at times and she'd be checking horoscopes and stuff and have me check them with her and as we read them together it totally described us, it was like the world was bringing us together no matter how much we didn't want to believe there was such a thing possible lol. Eventually down the road we started getting to that initial romantic phase of the relationship which lasted up till a week after Valentines day. She made it clear she isn't seeing anyone else, and I trust her at that, always saying things like she doesn't ever want us to end and what not ( typical in the moment emotional things), but there was always one problem we've had, and I"ll get to that soon. Although she's never made it official that we're bf-gf, I have heard her refer me as her "man" to others, if that means anything lol. I feel she's still confused with our relationship and how this all happened and even I'm confused to an extent but I still feel those butterflies when I'm around her, and I still feel the sparks never faded yet. Anyhow, we've had this issue with her STALKERS in particular. These guys got infatuated with her and confused her friendly affection for something else, she's just a really nice person to everyone in general and I guess these guys confused it for something else. She knows two stalkers and feels they aren't much of a threat and they are confused which is why she hasn't called the cops on them, that and they're also younger than her. One of them got sent to bootcamp and was in trouble with the law, he recently called her last week asking her if she's single, to which she replied it's none of his business, and then he told her regardless that he wants to marry her, and he will go on the run to find her. This alarmed me, and I wanted her to take this very seriously, to at least call the authorities or something, but she told me she isn't scared of him, and that he's just really confused and needs professional help, and that they were friends before and she doesn't want to hurt him like that. I trusted her word so I let it be, and then, the worst of it happened. 3-4 days ago, there was a particular stalker ONLINE, that would constantly send ME and her emails. She met this guy through a game she used to play wayyy back then, and she recently went on, and I guess he was on it and heard about how she isn't single. He did his research and found out who I was, probably via FB, or something, etc. This guy used an alias, and told her I'm a bad guy, and that he loves her and she should be with him. He then sent images of her home, neighborhood, and emailed her address, phone number, every little piece of information on her. He told her he wanted to meet her, so his life is complete. She got REALLY alarmed by this, and I urged her to probably report to authorities, to which once again she replied she doesn't know what to do. He then threatened to send her an email regarding information about ME, saying he knows that I have a criminal record and what not, but this record was 5 years ago. I was surprised how he got that, and I was afraid that she may have seen it already ( it's something I don't really like talking about with anyone, a dark stage of my life). She started venting to me about how this stalker scares her, and while I tried to tell her to take action she kept replying that she doesn't know what to do, then I tried to comfort her telling her to ignore it for the night and that she should get some sleep and get her mind off the stress, but then she started getting a bit angry and told me " how can I get my mind off of this? this guy knows EVERYTHING about me". I tried calling her but she replied she didn't feel like talking. Then I told her "my bad, just wanted to see how you're feeling ( me being the moron I am, sometimes i'm bad with words)". She texts, "obviously i'm not ok lol". Then I ask her "has he mentioned anything about me in the emails?", then she answered " not everything is about you", and then our conversation ended for a couple days. She then tried to CONTACT this stalker, and asked him what he wanted. He told her this can all end if she can tell him whether she likes him or not and is willing to sacrifice the "bad guy" (me) to go with a guy like him ( who by the way described himself as very depressed, saying she's the reason why he's alive). Now here starts the funny business, I ask her what's going on, and she says she told him she'll answer his question only if he can tell her what other info he has on her. He claims he used whitepages and background checks to find all that information on her, but what puzzled me was when she told me about that negotiation she was having with that stalker. Why in the world would you ask this guy what other stuff he has on you, I mean that's something you probably wouldn't want to know right? And what ELSE could he possibly have on her when he pretty much knows everything? This situation happened after I texted her telling her why I asked her "has he mentioned anything about me?", and I mentioned to her the concern I had over that threat he sent me via email. She asked me to see it and I showed her, and then she wanted to see the image he sent me, but I deleted it and the email, and I figure she didn't believe me. Anyhow, I'm under the impression the negotiation she made with this stalker was info about the incident I was in 5 years ago. Anyways, she told him she doesn't feel the same way for him after he refreshed her memory on who he was, and then he promised to leave her alone forever, after that any emails sent to that email resulted in a delivery fail, so I guess he deactivated it or something. She later sent me the messages he sent her, and in relief said "1 down, 2 to go". We talked about the whole thing for a bit that night, and then the next days it was the same deal again, no contact. I eventually got fed up and texted her the details of what happened 5 years ago, to which she replied shockingly that she's glad I told her this and she wouldn't judge me because she went through something exactly similar. Once again the disconnection was going on, and we stopped texting each other. I'd get on Facebook and see her on, and then I just couldn't take it anymore, I felt like she needed space over the whole stalker thing but I just had to ask her what was going on. So I texted her again, asking her whats wrong, and she replied "it's nothing I can explain". I then asked her what does she mean by this? And she replied she needs time to figure some things out. Still I pushed to wonder what she was talking about, so I asked her again, this time asking her if it had to do with the stalking business, and then she replied " the stalking bit is a part of it, but also things aren't going well for me atm at home and stuff, it isn't you or anything you've done, it's just me and my tolerance." I told her I understood and reassured her if theres anything she wants to talk about i'll be around to listen ( once again it was pretty strange, because she'd always tell me the issues that would go about at home). Although, there was one incident recently on the same day the stalker incident happened, on that afternoon, her brother and his friends noticed someone in their mothers room holding a laptop, assuming it was her, but she wasn't there, once she heard about what happened she got freaked out, and a week prior to that, their neighborhood experienced accounts of theft in 15 cars that were broken into. She'd always tell me before that she felt like someone was watching her, and then I told her this is real serious and that she should report it to the authorities, which I'm pretty sure her family did just that. Anyhow, I texted her that I hope the best for her and that I'll be around if she needs me. She then ONCE again replied texting me " it isn't you, I just tend to be a bitch when I'm upset and going through things. I prefer to keep myself till things get better. I've always been like this it's how I deal with me. Otherwise I just take it out on people I care about. I just need time to myself then I'll come back." Once agan I replied that it's fine and apologized for pestering her earlier and she replied " you weren't, you're fine". After that we didn't talk and later that night she was on FB, talking to my friends and what not, in fact I've noticed she's been on FB ALOT more frequently lately, and seemed to be in a good mood. She'd tag me in statuses and I couldn't help but comment, I did get her to laugh hysterically with my comments that night, which I guess was the best progress we've had these tough days. Anyhow, I noticed someone calling her a "bad girl" and I went full blast on him on a status, to which she replied it's an inside joke, regardless she liked my comment, I guess she enjoyed the thrill of getting me jealous because she's always mentioned to me how it's hard to get me jealous and she'd complain to some of my friends that she doesn't feel like I care about her that much, but of course I responded to that with things that would strike her in awe by surprise. I also remember before we resolved that internet stalker guy, and the no connection phase started, she posted a picture on FB where it's like " So many girls fall in love with the wrong guy, simply because the wrong guy says the right things" with her giving the caption "So true..". Idk if it applies to me or anything, who knows, lol it bothers me, even on Skype when she's on her status is like "It's funny the way things seem to turn out.." Anyways, we haven't been talking at all so far, and idk what's going on. Should I give her space? Is she being serious? I know for sure cheating probably has no place in this, but it's probably the fear of us becoming too public, and it's hard to take in because we've only still been together for about 3 months, with us becoming more public around our circle, people are paying alot of attention to this although we both openly deny there is nothing going on, and I guess incidents like that stalker situation is scaring her. Is she technically letting me go? If she was why wouldn't she mention it like she easily did wayyy back before? Maybe it's just things at home are going so rough that she's always in a bitter mood and feels things will get worse between us until she gets through this..? She's always been one to spill her problems to me, maybe she feels she's drowning me in them and just wants to deal with things herself to get the best out of what we have before the fire between us burns out. This is a situation where I question her actions and act now or trust what she says and just wait.. Sorry for the long thread I need some advice
Ajax Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It sounds like this girl is both confused and under a lot of stress. And to be honest, you haven't been together long enough to really know her. You may have strong feelings for her, and you may feel like you know her, but it takes far longer than three months to get to know someone. So this may be her life. This drama might be par for the course with her. You just don't know. So yes, I think you need to give her a lot of space. She needs space to get her mind straight. And YOU need space to do the same. These boards are full of people who put their exes on a pedestal and are crushed when they realize that the person of their admiration isn't the person they thought they were. And this girl may not be an ex per se, but the pattern is there. This is a situation that is out of your control. You can't control the stalker, her feelings for you, or whether or not she opens up to you about what's going on. All you can do is control how you react to this situation. So act with dignity and clarity. 1
Author PoeticBliss Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 It sounds like this girl is both confused and under a lot of stress. And to be honest, you haven't been together long enough to really know her. You may have strong feelings for her, and you may feel like you know her, but it takes far longer than three months to get to know someone. So this may be her life. This drama might be par for the course with her. You just don't know. So yes, I think you need to give her a lot of space. She needs space to get her mind straight. And YOU need space to do the same. These boards are full of people who put their exes on a pedestal and are crushed when they realize that the person of their admiration isn't the person they thought they were. And this girl may not be an ex per se, but the pattern is there. This is a situation that is out of your control. You can't control the stalker, her feelings for you, or whether or not she opens up to you about what's going on. All you can do is control how you react to this situation. So act with dignity and clarity. Thanks for the response man, I really appreciate it. I feel like I know her a lot more than she knows me, and is still trying to figure out what kind of person I am, with how things just ended up between us from hating each other to the start of a relationship. This whole stalker business just enforced this huge change, like a nights before that we were all and then this popped out of nowhere hmm. Yeah, I figured so, honestly I'm never clingy, she usually always comes to me, and I guess it's annoyed me for the first time I'm acting on my feelings this time instead of her, but yeah anyways I'll just have to keep myself focused on the things around me (school, friends, family) and give it time.
OwlSoul Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Should I give her space? Yup. Being around all the time won't help if you're feeling insecure. I know for sure cheating probably has no place in this, but it's probably the fear of us becoming too public If there is such a fear, then she was not really interested in you. Is she technically letting me go? Mhm, especially if you were not an official couple. If she was why wouldn't she mention it like she easily did wayyy back before? Dumpers usually try to extend the time before telling the truth. Maybe it's just things at home are going so rough that she's always in a bitter mood and feels things will get worse between us until she gets through this..? It could had some impact, but not the one you're thinking. There is really no reason why people would break-up if they'd be strongly in love. maybe she feels she's drowning me in them and just wants to deal with things herself Again, don't idealize people. We ask for help and accept the help whenever we can. It is just an excuse you're telling yourself. This is a situation where I question her actions and act now or trust what she says and just wait.. She is confused by herself I bet. So there is no point in trusting her words, or thinking she is lying to you.
Author PoeticBliss Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Yup. Being around all the time won't help if you're feeling insecure. If there is such a fear, then she was not really interested in you. Mhm, especially if you were not an official couple. Dumpers usually try to extend the time before telling the truth. It could had some impact, but not the one you're thinking. There is really no reason why people would break-up if they'd be strongly in love. Again, don't idealize people. We ask for help and accept the help whenever we can. It is just an excuse you're telling yourself. She is confused by herself I bet. So there is no point in trusting her words, or thinking she is lying to you. The whole fear of going public, she talked to my friend about it and said the reason she was concerned about it was because she thought I was concerned about it. I don't see how that equates to not being interested in the first place, it's not like I pushed it, actions on her part contributed to really bringing the relationship to how it started in the first place. I do agree about the idealize part, I've got a problem with that sometimes lol, I finally know why she's avoiding talking about any problems she's having atm, she recently just vented to a friend of mine that she feels I don't take things seriously enough or care about her enough. I disagree at your point where you said it could have "some" impact. She's under some paranoia and of course it's going to make her mood bitter, she's also on pills due to mood swings and hormonal imbalance so it would make things a lot worse. I disagree with the "usually extend time before telling the truth" part, this isn't the case for every girl, although it is a possibility, it makes no sense to "play along" and always try to catch my attention whenever she could to deserting me without a single reason. I think the underlying problem is the truth is really that she's just confused with everything and needs time to get her mind straight. So yeah, I generally agree with your last statement.
Ajax Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 She's under some paranoia and of course it's going to make her mood bitter, she's also on pills due to mood swings and hormonal imbalance so it would make things a lot worse. Well there ya go! Hope your lap bar's down all the way and you're not pregnant or have a heart condition, because the roller coaster's left the station. I dated a girl who had depression and was on medication, and believe me, you never knew what she was going to say or do next. One minute she was running hot, talking about marriage, and the next she couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone. These people can be really passionate, and that's the hook. But their extreme emotional swings are what doom relationships. Bottom line here is that this girl is not someone capable of being in a healthy relationship, at least at the moment. So don't pin your hopes on that. And don't let her string you along.
todreaminblue Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Well there ya go! Hope your lap bar's down all the way and you're not pregnant or have a heart condition, because the roller coaster's left the station. I dated a girl who had depression and was on medication, and believe me, you never knew what she was going to say or do next. One minute she was running hot, talking about marriage, and the next she couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone. These people can be really passionate, and that's the hook. But their extreme emotional swings are what doom relationships. Bottom line here is that this girl is not someone capable of being in a healthy relationship, at least at the moment. So don't pin your hopes on that. And don't let her string you along. not all people who suffer mood swings doom relationships....i was in one for fifteen years........and i have severe swings..i am aware and dont make major decisions on the swing......all my relationships have mainly been long term ......deb
Author PoeticBliss Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Haha I did it guys I stayed by her side although she was pushing me away. The whole problem all this time was really that she didn't think I trusted her because of some mistakes I admittingly have made. It's been almost two months since we've reconciled and we've never been this close before, now we can both really call it love.
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