How long does it take for the ANGER to subside?

[HopingAgain]

Dday was over 2 months ago, and that entire time until now has been a blur of disbelief and pain. But for the past week or so, all I've been feeling is overwhelming anger and disgust. Its strange to me that these emotions have shown up now when the recovery proccess is going fairly well, and WH has been making a lot of effort to start to make amends, but the anger is just so consuming. I have told him that how I am feeling and he seems to.understand, even when I had a few outbursts telling him OI hate him and would never trust him again. *sigh*

 

We are starting MC next month and I'm already in IC. I just want some input from other BS about how long the intense anger lasted for you and ways to keep it from hurting reconciliation efforts.

[HopingAgain]

I don't think there is basic time. I think it depends on the person and whether or not they express their anger or suppress it. How do you communicate your emotions? Do you face your emotions or walk away from them?

 

In the past, I've definitely suppressed a lot of anger, and when I did release it it was at a boiling point. I am somewhat of a conflict avoider and thats an issue I am addressing in IC. But this is a really surprising time for me as I am not doing the usual avoidance or supressing, but instead letting it all hang out, so to speak. I am tired of worrying if my anger and hurt will run H off. I feel like I fully deserve to be able to express all that I am feeling now, and if he for some reason cant handle that...he knows where the door is!

[stevie_23]

I haven’t been in this situation, but I’ve found from other traumatic situations involving intimate betrayal that sometimes the anger will pop up at every new stage in the grieving and healing process. You sort of have to deconstruct your previous reality of what your marriage was and what you thought of your husband and make it fit with this new reality, and each time you move forward in this process, it’s natural for some anger to appear.

 

Also, the more you move forward, the further away from the shell shocked, just trying to survive stage you get, and so you are able to now think deeper about all the things you were too shocked at first to even notice or focus on, and thus…anger tends to come.

 

Anger can be good if used productively. It can show you which specific aspects of this experience and situation impact you the most. WHEN do you feel angry and WHY. Try to work this out and use it to your advantage so you can sort through those specific anger-inducing issues and move further forward.

 

I also second the opinion that you HAVE to feel entitled to express ANYTHING you feel, anger or whatever else. You did not get a chance to express your reaction to what was really going on during your husband's affair, so now you have that right to do so, now things are out in the open. You have to feel HEARD. UNDERSTOOD.

[underwater2010]

Mine was almost 6 months....after 2 months it was on again/off again. It does get better. As long as he understands where it is coming from and you are not hitting him over the head all the time it is healthy. MC will help immensely.

[underwater2010]

Forgot to mention that you have to stop and realize if your anger is rational/irrational which is really hard.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, it is useful to realise if your ANGER is irrational, but at the same time, no FEELING is irrational – there is ALWAYS a reason for it, and if you feel angry about something you feel is irrational, don’t just dismiss it – try to work out what you’re REALLY feeling and why you’re feeling angry about that specific thing. It’ll usually be because you’re hurt, feeling disrespected, like you were impotent in the relationship, worthless, etc. It will usually trace back to some of those feelings, even if they end up being expressed as anger with a at times potentially irrational reason.

[HopingAgain]

I haven’t been in this situation, but I’ve found from other traumatic situations involving intimate betrayal that sometimes the anger will pop up at every new stage in the grieving and healing process. You sort of have to deconstruct your previous reality of what your marriage was and what you thought of your husband and make it fit with this new reality, and each time you move forward in this process, it’s natural for some anger to appear.

 

Also, the more you move forward, the further away from the shell shocked, just trying to survive stage you get, and so you are able to now think deeper about all the things you were too shocked at first to even notice or focus on, and thus…anger tends to come.

 

Anger can be good if used productively. It can show you which specific aspects of this experience and situation impact you the most. WHEN do you feel angry and WHY. Try to work this out and use it to your advantage so you can sort through those specific anger-inducing issues and move further forward.

 

I also second the opinion that you HAVE to feel entitled to express ANYTHING you feel, anger or whatever else. You did not get a chance to express your reaction to what was really going on during your husband's affair, so now you have that right to do so, now things are out in the open. You have to feel HEARD. UNDERSTOOD.

 

This really resonates with me because I feel like right after the discovery, I didnt even have time to get angry. I jumped straight into decision mode and then trying to fix the immediate damage and defending myself against more hurt. I was busy making sure the affair was really over and if I even wanted him to stay or go . Now that things have calmed down a bit, comes the anger. And you are right, I do feel such a need to be heard and understood by him. I need him to really feel the depth of my emotions and the urgency that this IS the last hurrah for me, and if there are any more lies I am just done.

[ComingInHot]

Hoping,

I had a solid two months straight of serious anger. I think I needed it to keep me going.

I was angry at my H for betraying me, for bringing exOW into our M & My life.

 

I was angry w/exOW for enabling my H to cheat, encouraging him to cheat, for not leaving Our M or my life when H UN-invited her.

 

I was angry w/myself for being SO stupid and blinded by my love, loyalty, devotion & trust in my H, for believing his lies, for allowing him to manipulate my love and destroy my self worth.

 

After the two month mark, the anger eased and turned into bouts of anger, bouts of pain, bouts of passion, bouts of clarity (which was why I stayed. Those moments of clarity).

 

About Six months after I had really started dealing w/the reality of everything w/regards to the A, my anger would come rarely and often take me by surprise.

 

Now, well, any anger at my H w/regards to the A, is normally when His behavior triggers it.

[HopingAgain]

Mine was almost 6 months....after 2 months it was on again/off again. It does get better. As long as he understands where it is coming from and you are not hitting him over the head all the time it is healthy. MC will help immensely.

 

Thanks, Underwater! He does know where its coming from I was really clear with him about that. It sometimes seems to come from nowhere even in moments when we were otherwise having fun and enjoying eachother. Usually its because of a trigger but other times it just bubbles up from my gut and comes out! I don't hammer him with it constantly but just much more now than right after D day which is strange to me and him too I'm sure. One worry I have is that I will stay stuck in this anger and become jaded, cynical and bitter. I really dont want that to happen

[HopingAgain]

Hoping,

I had a solid two months straight of serious anger. I think I needed it to keep me going.

I was angry at my H for betraying me, for bringing exOW into our M & My life.

 

I was angry w/exOW for enabling my H to cheat, encouraging him to cheat, for not leaving Our M or my life when H UN-invited her.

 

I was angry w/myself for being SO stupid and blinded by my love, loyalty, devotion & trust in my H, for believing his lies, for allowing him to manipulate my love and destroy my self worth.

 

After the two month mark, the anger eased and turned into bouts of anger, bouts of pain, bouts of passion, bouts of clarity (which was why I stayed. Those moments of clarity).

 

About Six months after I had really started dealing w/the reality of everything w/regards to the A, my anger would come rarely and often take me by surprise.

 

Now, well, any anger at my H w/regards to the A, is normally when His behavior triggers it.

 

CIH, I hope that mine will mostly subside soon too, it seems really exhausting to feel that way indefinitely or even just for a few more months. I definitely relate to the anger at the blind trust. My husband had free reign, came and went as he pleased and I believed pretty much whatever he told me, even when I had nagging doubts. Now knowing that he used my belief in him against me just enrages me to the point I sometimes don't even want to look at him. Then I realize how much I still love him and then that makes me mad at myself!

[stevie_23]

This really resonates with me because I feel like right after the discovery, I didnt even have time to get angry. I jumped straight into decision mode and then trying to fix the immediate damage and defending myself against more hurt. I was busy making sure the affair was really over and if I even wanted him to stay or go . Now that things have calmed down a bit, comes the anger. And you are right, I do feel such a need to be heard and understood by him. I need him to really feel the depth of my emotions and the urgency that this IS the last hurrah for me, and if there are any more lies I am just done.

 

That’s right. You DIDN’T have time to get angry right after. You would’ve gone straight into shock mode, fear and instant response mode, and then survival mode. It sometimes takes a while to move beyond that initial reaction and then once you actually can bear to explore what happened and open your eyes and SEE stuff a bit more, you start saying “Hey…” and realising you are SO angry!

 

And yeah, once you make that decision to stay with him…then you’re committing yourself to moving forward WITH him and that requires you to actually somehow accept what’s happened, what he’s done…and somehow have to live with that AND live with the fact that YOU are accepting it. You’re not saying this behaviour is acceptable to you but you ARE saying that it should not have happened…and sometimes that can cause anger too. Because no, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but it did and you are choosing to still be with him even when you know what he did and even when you know how that has affected you…maybe you’re even angry at yourself a bit FOR letting him stay, though I don’t know if this is true. Hopefully it’s not. I think really, your anger should only be directed at him and also the situation in general, and also hopefully you CAN sort through your anger, because then it really can make things so much better. So much LIGHTER, like a weight has been lifted.

 

Also, another thought is that while you’re in a place where you are EXPECTED to be angry (like right after D-day for instance), it’s sometimes easier to deal with. Whereas now, you’ve committed to make things work with him, and so technically it’s NOT so acceptable for you to be angry still…and so THIS could make you angry too. Because you ARE angry and you SHOULD be allowed to be angry!

 

I actually think it’s MORE understandable that your angry NOW rather than before, because once you start having to really consider BEING with your husband again AFTER what he did, you kind of have to make yourself vulnerable again, open your heart again, open up to him again, accept what he did, and basically you’re expected to be a couple again, and to LOVE him. So…it can be VERY hard to do this WITHOUT anger at some stage.

 

As I said above, anger CAN be very useful. You NEED it in order to work through things. I just hope that it CAN be used productively. I find that sometimes it’s so hard not to just keep repeating the same things over and over, because you are just SO hurt and angry about them, that nothing your partner says really takes that away. And then eventually, they see that and feel helpless. It can be a vicious cycle. No amount of apologising or explaining or promising can sometimes fix things. Only time and stability can. I don’t even know how you could fully trust him again, to be honest. I hope you can though.

[HopingAgain]

That’s right. You DIDN’T have time to get angry right after. You would’ve gone straight into shock mode, fear and instant response mode, and then survival mode. It sometimes takes a while to move beyond that initial reaction and then once you actually can bear to explore what happened and open your eyes and SEE stuff a bit more, you start saying “Hey…” and realising you are SO angry!

 

And yeah, once you make that decision to stay with him…then you’re committing yourself to moving forward WITH him and that requires you to actually somehow accept what’s happened, what he’s done…and somehow have to live with that AND live with the fact that YOU are accepting it. You’re not saying this behaviour is acceptable to you but you ARE saying that it should not have happened…and sometimes that can cause anger too. Because no, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but it did and you are choosing to still be with him even when you know what he did and even when you know how that has affected you…maybe you’re even angry at yourself a bit FOR letting him stay, though I don’t know if this is true. Hopefully it’s not. I think really, your anger should only be directed at him and also the situation in general, and also hopefully you CAN sort through your anger, because then it really can make things so much better. So much LIGHTER, like a weight has been lifted.

 

Also, another thought is that while you’re in a place where you are EXPECTED to be angry (like right after D-day for instance), it’s sometimes easier to deal with. Whereas now, you’ve committed to make things work with him, and so technically it’s NOT so acceptable for you to be angry still…and so THIS could make you angry too. Because you ARE angry and you SHOULD be allowed to be angry!

 

I actually think it’s MORE understandable that your angry NOW rather than before, because once you start having to really consider BEING with your husband again AFTER what he did, you kind of have to make yourself vulnerable again, open your heart again, open up to him again, accept what he did, and basically you’re expected to be a couple again, and to LOVE him. So…it can be VERY hard to do this WITHOUT anger at some stage.

 

As I said above, anger CAN be very useful. You NEED it in order to work through things. I just hope that it CAN be used productively. I find that sometimes it’s so hard not to just keep repeating the same things over and over, because you are just SO hurt and angry about them, that nothing your partner says really takes that away. And then eventually, they see that and feel helpless. It can be a vicious cycle. No amount of apologising or explaining or promising can sometimes fix things. Only time and stability can. I don’t even know how you could fully trust him again, to be honest. I hope you can though.

 

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with all of this. I'm angry at so many aspects of the situation, all of the above really. And unfortunately I am a little angry at myself for taking the high road, as part of me wishes he could have a taste of his own medicine and see how it feels.It doesn't help that this is my second marriage and was a BS in that one too. So now I have not only this horror to live through, but also the triggered memories of what happened the first time. I dont know how I will fully trust him again either, but truthfully, I dont want to. I want to be one of the types of people where trust is earned before it is given, or not given at all. I see myself being wary and suspicious of WH for a long time, and although that prospect bothers me, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as being blindsided again because I didn't think he would do such a thing.

[stevie_23]

I think the fact you DID take the high road just shows that you know what you want in the end. You don’t WANT to disintegrate into stress and sadness and complication and emotional roller coasters. You’ve been there, done that at the hands of your husband. You don’t want to go through all of that and live in that whole environment of negative emotions ever again. So you did take that high road for good and valid reason.

 

UGH, this is the second time you’ve been a BS!? I wonder why that is. I SO hope you don’t take any responsibility onto yourself for the behaviour of either of your husbands in this way. It is NEVER the wife’s fault. EVER. I am very glad you’ve been having IC, by the way. I hope this is helping you work through some things.

 

Ah yes. Triggered memories from last time. So you’ve got to deal with those AND this, and I assume the situations and obviously the people are at least slightly different, so this may complicate things further by making you angry at something that you felt the LAST time that may not be relevant THIS time. However…it’s actually ALL relevant. ALL your feelings are relevant. Simply because your ex-husband may have made you feel a certain way by doing or saying something your current husband didn’t actually do or say but you still feel the same now again, that doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant to feel that way now based on past events. It’s all linked. ALL your feelings are valid and need to be explored so you can move forward and get through this.

 

You don’t want to trust your husband again. Ok. I can understand that. Why the hell would you want to!? It seems to lead to pain and sadness and anger. Maybe your feelings in that regard will change over time…I find in the earlier stages after a traumatic experience, your feelings can change quite a lot at certain times, go back and forth, up and down, etc. It’s all normal.

 

I do think that this could go 2 ways. You don’t ever want to trust him again and so you don’t. You always have that wall between you. And eventually neither of you are willing to live like that anymore. You deserve to be with someone you really CAN trust 100%, who will want ONLY you and who, if they do become unhappy or dissatisfied, will TALK to you and give you the choice of what to do TOGETHER (or apart), rather than lie and betray you.

 

The other way it could go would be eventually, you actually are able to somehow let go of that safety net of distrust. And you decide you HAVE to trust him again or there’s simply no point in being with him. You have to let go enough so that when you think about the possibility of him hurting you again, you STILL feel that the love, deep bond and new trust you have with him is WORTH that risk.

 

As I said, I have never been a BS. But I have been a WS and an OW. I know all people who get into affairs aren’t “evil” and they mostly don’t do it callously or maliciously, and they don’t always blame their spouses…I certainly didn’t. But I also wasn’t happy in my relationship and was too much in denial to realise, and then by the time I did realise, I was in love with my now ex-MM. I was too selfish and cowardly and self indulgent to talk to my partner of 12 years, who has never been anything but wonderful to me, BEFORE I embarked on anything. And now it’s been over (after almost 2 years) for 3.5 months, and she still doesn’t know what happened. A lot of affairs are based in selfishness and self indulgence, but not a LACK of love for the spouse. A lack of respect perhaps, not only for the spouse but for themselves. I hope you know, above all else, it is NOT your fault. Neither of the times it has happened to you (and I’m so sorry it has happened not once, but twice.)

[NordicStripes]

It's ben more than 1,5 years and I'm still VERY angry!

[waterwoman]

You sound so much like me. In the midst of the shock of d-day I went straight into fix it mode. I did my crying in the shower I was going to be the most in control BW ever!! It lasted about 3 days....

 

9 months later the sorrow and feeling of hopelessness is still there but muted like background music but the anger is mostly gone- it flares up from time to time but its rare.

 

It's all hard but if you and your h want it to work and he is remorseful it can succeed. Good luck x

[HopingAgain]

Thank you to everyone who has replied! Reading through this and just writing my feelings down has been very helpful as I'm really starting to work through this anger. I know its normal it just helps to really remind myself of that and to be reminded of it

[underwater2010]

Thanks, Underwater! He does know where its coming from I was really clear with him about that. It sometimes seems to come from nowhere even in moments when we were otherwise having fun and enjoying eachother. Usually its because of a trigger but other times it just bubbles up from my gut and comes out! I don't hammer him with it constantly but just much more now than right after D day which is strange to me and him too I'm sure. One worry I have is that I will stay stuck in this anger and become jaded, cynical and bitter. I really dont want that to happen

I promise that you won't stay stuck with the anger. You are just now realizing every little thing that he did. You are coming to the acceptance phase. It sucks really bad. But you will get past it with his help. I am 9 months out and every once in awhile it starts to boil up. Mostly when I realize that we are slipping into past behavior. That is when I have to stop and calmly talk with him about what I need. And that is hard for someone who is always the rock in the relationship. The one that always put her feelings aside in order to not rock the boat. What a fine line we walk, but hopefully it is worth it in the end.

 

"If you cannot take me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve my best."

[Artie Lang]

i guess you'll just have to give it time. infidelity is a big hurt.

 

come here and vent if it makes you feel better.

[2sunny]

This really resonates with me because I feel like right after the discovery, I didnt even have time to get angry. I jumped straight into decision mode and then trying to fix the immediate damage and defending myself against more hurt. I was busy making sure the affair was really over and if I even wanted him to stay or go . Now that things have calmed down a bit, comes the anger. And you are right, I do feel such a need to be heard and understood by him. I need him to really feel the depth of my emotions and the urgency that this IS the last hurrah for me, and if there are any more lies I am just done.

 

Why would you take responsibility for HIS cheating?

You have every right to feel angry - he blew apart your whole life!

 

Have a voice - speak your truth! Get mad if that's how you feel... He did something to hurt you and you should be mad!

[HopingAgain]

Why would you take responsibility for HIS cheating?

You have every right to feel angry - he blew apart your whole life!

 

Have a voice - speak your truth! Get mad if that's how you feel... He did something to hurt you and you should be mad!

 

Absolutely!

 

I think a BIG cause of my anger is that there has been some trickle truths coming from him since discovery. I confirmed a few facts about the affair unbeknownst to him via voice recorder a few weeks after Dday, but when I ask him questions about these particular things he is very vague or downplays, he is not being entirely open and its holding me back.

 

I have decided I am going to demand the entire truth about those details and if he refuses to give them, I dont think Im going to go much further with this attempt to reconcile. I know he fears angering me further, but his refusal to disclose is fueling my anger bigtime!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Trickle truth is really hard to deal with and so destructive...

 

It's been almost 1.5 years for me since Dday and I think the anger is just now really starting to subside. I've been pretty angry for a while now. I've been separated for about 9 months now(wow, can't believe it's been that long) so that helps. If I was still fighting her, face to face everyday about no contact, telling the truth, rebuilding us, etc, ugh I'd probably be in pretty bad shape still. I had to end it before I'd start to get better. That's me though. Every situation is different. Oh and divorce brings its own brand of anger...so it's definitely not a quick fix!

[BetrayedH]

I'm just short of 2 years since Dday, 15 months separated, 5 months divorced and still plenty pissed. Thought I was going to jump thru my phone to choke my exwife today. And NH is right, divorce brings a whole new set of things to be pissed about.

 

I also think you're right about demanding whatever effing details you want. These idiots think they have better judgment than you about what you can handle. It's another form of dishonesty and disrespect and it ain't conducive to a successful reconciliation. Marriage is about two partners on equal footing. Withholding information because he yhinks you can't handle it is not showing respect for you. If he trusts his own judgment now more than he trusts yours, he doesn't get it.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I haven’t been in this situation, but I’ve found from other traumatic situations involving intimate betrayal that sometimes the anger will pop up at every new stage in the grieving and healing process. You sort of have to deconstruct your previous reality of what your marriage was and what you thought of your husband and make it fit with this new reality, and each time you move forward in this process, it’s natural for some anger to appear.

 

Also, the more you move forward, the further away from the shell shocked, just trying to survive stage you get, and so you are able to now think deeper about all the things you were too shocked at first to even notice or focus on, and thus…anger tends to come.

 

Very true ^

 

For me the rage lasted for about 18 months. I eventually went on Zoloft for awhile.

 

The anger lasted until the 3 year mark. I'm 5 yrs post D-day and rarely get angry. The whole thing still sucks, but the emotions are under control.

[Poppy fields]

My DD was 1992. I initially had an incredible amount of anger that manifested itself both internally, explosively, and with some destruction of property.

 

I quickly left that situation and got as far away as possible from my WH. I started having a really good time with old friends and burying my hurt under a series of really great Grateful Dead concerts. They helped me over my break up. By the time my journey back home was over, I was for the most part emotionally healed and ready to go full force with the divorce so I could start the next chapter of my life.

[HopingAgain]

I had a chance to talk to him tonight. I sat him down and told him that a major part of my continued anger was his flat out inability or unwillingness to really open up and bare his soul about certain details, no matter how minor they may seem to him. I told him I was at the point where I could go np further with feeling like I'm still out of the loop to a certain extent, and that it made me feel like there were memories he was holding on and I was outside looking in to this area of his life. That I am just really done with any level of dishonesty or nondisclosure. I didnt give him any ultimatums beyond what I was willing to put up with anymore from the situation.

 

He started to waffle a bit at first but once he saw there was no getting outof it from me he started to open up. He answered the questions I had and judging from how uncomfortable he was to do it, I'd say he was truthful. Hse went on to explain why he had felt like withholding some things and I let him know that no matter how insignificant any of it seems...it is important to me because I dont want to worry about anything I didnt know popping up later. We talked for about 2 hours and discussed more about our relationship and not just what went on in the affair.

 

I have to say it felt really good afterwards. Like the air has cleared a bit, definitely removed the tension for the time being. I told him that I know my anger will return at some point as triggers come and go, and that this is normal and an effect from his actions. He seemed to really accept that. I will keep everyone updated on our progress. It feels like a small win for our marriage, definitely a personal victory for me!