I've got too involved in someone else's infidelity.

[Ellin]

I wish I could convince you to talk to that man... His life is already destroyed.. he needs a friendly hand and he needs the truth... if you withhold that from him then you are part taking on the situation this man is living...

 

I don't know how you can live with yourself not giving this man the peace he needs!

Animal lover - as I said, he already knows W cheated, so it's not like I'm withholding some vital information. I just don't know how to handle it and how much in detail I should go.

[Ellin]

I'm not attacking you, but yes you have made it about you. You are more concerned with how you will be viewed than with this man knowing the truth. So again, you've made it about you. I don't see how you can claim otherwise.

Nowhere did I say that I am MORE concerned with how I'll be viewed than him knowing the truth so please drop it already.

[Ellin]

In my situation, I told the other man's wife. At first she was certainly more concerned with her own reality and the pain of knowing her husband cheated extensively wth my wife (they also have two children). But after a few days she called me to express gratitude. We didn't have a lot of interaction after that but we did occassionally touch base and it was always amiable.

 

I have a hard time envisioning a scenario where he associates his bad news with you. In fact, I would see you as the one person that had the courage to tell me the truth when no one else would. The fact is that there is a huge upside to revealing this to him and almost no downside. As usual, the ethical choice is pretty plainly apparent. It's just difficult.

 

Summon courage, Ellin. You have learned something from your experiences; now put it to work. Keep a firm boundary as he is going to be vulnerable to making an emotional attachment but make no mistake, you need to help this man.

Thank you for your perspective. I hope you're right.

[carhill]

IMO, if wishing to disclose, gather evidence and present evidence. Let the evidence speak for itself.

 

Generally, I'd strongly suggest focusing on other life experiences and find other outlets for your empathetic and compassionate nature. Good luck.

[Bryanp]

Ellin,

 

Write out a detailed letter of everything you know and seal it. Give him the envelope and tell him this is everything you know and that you know if he opens it then it will no doubt hurt him but it is choice to read it or it his choice to burn it instead. Tell him you are giving him this information as a friend and please don't kill the messenger. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Finally, she started slipping when talking to me and letting the truth out that she was basically sleeping with drifter and hiding the whole thing from H.

Her H reached out to me a couple of weeks ago. Finally I had a chance to get to know him better and I really like him. He is kind and generally ok. Very messed up though.

Why have you 'Dr. Laura'ed your way into the middle of this? Whether consciously or not, you have cultivated a position as confidante to two people who should be dealing with professionals and making their own choices as they navigate their way through this mess. Explain to both why you're going NC and butt out. You seem to be getting some vicarious benefit from their drama...

 

Mr. Lucky

[angie2443]

Why have you 'Dr. Laura'ed your way into the middle of this? Whether consciously or not, you have cultivated a position as confidante to two people who should be dealing with professionals and making their own choices as they navigate their way through this mess. Explain to both why you're going NC and butt out. You seem to be getting some vicarious benefit from their drama...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I kind of think this is what's happening. Only you know if getting more involved in this situation is going to hurt you or not. I think it will harm the marriage more if you tell but don't back out after, however, she already cheated so the maybe the marriage is already past repair.

[Ellin]

I knew that this type of suggestions and weird psychological analyses will appear on this thread so I'm not going to bother replying.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

I got most of the answers I was looking for.

 

Take care of yourselves.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that you're leaving your thread. You got some good advice though, even if some you didn't agree with.

 

Good luck and I hope your friend finds peace soon.

[BetrayedH]

I knew that this type of suggestions and weird psychological analyses will appear on this thread so I'm not going to bother replying.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

I got most of the answers I was looking for.

 

Take care of yourselves.

 

We are an odd bunch.

 

You asked earlier about how much detail to provide (particularly around sex). The conventional answer is that you should tell as much as is asked of you. You can typically tell the intial truth without revealing how many orgasms, positions, etc.. After that, some BSs will want/need the whole ugly truth so they can get the full picture (in which case you answer his questions honestly) and others may voluntarily avoid those details because they know they'll just be painful. Let the BS in your situation be your guide. And if he asks about something you think will be painful for him to hear, it's ok to ask him if he's sure he wants to hear these kinds of things. Give him the choice.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP has now disappeared. Odd thread. OP was twisting and finessing to find reasons to avoid doing the right thing. Good on you, posters - you called her out. I hope her better intentions are now in charge and somewhere out there, some poor fool is getting a dark enlightenment.

[whichwayisup]

OP has now disappeared. Odd thread. OP was twisting and finessing to find reasons to avoid doing the right thing. Good on you, posters - you called her out. I hope her better intentions are now in charge and somewhere out there, some poor fool is getting a dark enlightenment.

 

I don't know E that well, but she genuinally cares about this man, maybe a bit more than she should..This isn't about calling her out, maybe more it's easier to give advice than to take it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I knew that this type of suggestions and weird psychological analyses will appear on this thread so I'm not going to bother replying.

Translation:

 

Not all the replies agreed with my position...

 

Mr. Lucky