I've got too involved in someone else's infidelity.

March 19, 2013

Ok, I need a bit of help here.

Here's the story. I'll try to make it as short as I can.

3 years ago I made a new female friend. She seemed to be nice, pretty and charming and to have a perfect life - a nice husband, two lovely children and a new career.

As I got to know her more a different picture emerged - she was telling me about how bad her M was, how there was no love and her H was not good to her. It was a big surprise and I didn't know what to think because from what contact I had with the H he seemed a nice guy. But finally she managed to convince me and I even advised her to get rid of him. But she didn't want to.

In the meantime she got involved with another man. Though the word "man" is not exactly fitting. He's an immature drifter, who never worked, is dependent on booze and drugs and obviously has mental problems, plus is really not attractive. But he was telling her how crazy he was about her and she apparently craved that.

She was telling me that they were only friends but from another source I heard that the guy (drifter) was convinced that she was actually his GF while she and her H only lived together for the kids and had separate lives. I know now that her H knew nothing about it. He knew that the drifter was around but she gave him different explanations that he swallowed.

Finally, she started slipping when talking to me and letting the truth out that she was basically sleeping with drifter and hiding the whole thing from H.

I didn't know what to do, because I was wondering what the H really knew but I had no opportunity to talk to him about it and I didn't want to butt into someone else's business in case it blows up in my face. By then I realized that I had been right in the beginning and he was actually quite nice and not a bad H to her.

I also realized that she was displaying clear symptoms of a personality disorder. She was recently diagnosed with borderline but I believe it is something worse than that.

She used to talk to me a lot about her always present emotional problems but several months ago she suddenly cut me off. I didn't surprise me but I was curious as to why she did that. She gave me one explanation which was that she didn't feel like talking to anyone and wanted to be alone, which sounded completely fishy.

Fairly soon after that I met someone who knows her a little and that lady said that she (my 'former' friend) had got involved with a much older man who has a lot of money and that she is crazy and unpredictable.

Finally my 'former' friend re-appeared for just one conversation with me and told me that she was with a man who is some 20 years older than her and is very rich, that she is with him for money because she doesn't love him but she loves getting all the presents and being taken out and on expensive holidays.

She said the older man is mad about her and wants her to move in with him and she doesn't want to but she wants to keep getting the cash.

She also told me that it only started recently, just after she made her H move out. Which doesn't seem to be true since I heard about her older guy months ago.

So. Her H reached out to me a couple of weeks ago. Finally I had a chance to get to know him better and I really like him. He is kind and generally ok. Very messed up though.

I didn't know what to talk to him about. He flirted with me at first but I didn't want to go into that. At this point I should mention that I do find him attractive but I am not planning on having a R with him as I have my own things to deal with and he has his own crap to deal with.

His situation now: he lives on his own and finds it hard. He's trying to make sense of everything but is struggling, even crying (not in my presence). Recently he apparently realized somehow that she had cheated on him and is in a great deal of pain.

She is denying the cheating and wants to be friends with him and is angry with him for not being nice, so she does not allow him to see his children. One minute she's threatening him with police and social workers, the next she wants to go for a drink with him etc.

I also know from her that she's been telling the older guy that her H is abusive and he tells her to stay away from him.

The problem that I have with it is that he started talking to me about it all and I really didn't know what to do, knowing things that he didn't know. Apart from that I understood so well what had been going on in his family as I had been through situations where I was the victim of personality disordered people and it was very clear to me what was happening, but he was obviously in the middle of the maze.

I wanted to help him. He kept telling me (online and texting) about bit and pieces so finally a little floodgate opened in me and I try telling him what his W is about and how it might be affecting him. I made a mistake as I should have said that this and this was my own experience but I was talking about him.

He confirmed that everything I said was right but in the end he was overwhelmed and wanted to end the conversation.

During that conversation he mentioned something about her being unfaithful and I sort of confirmed it, then I could see that it affected him badly and he wanted to know more but I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

The things I know would be absolutely devastating and stomach churning to him!

So the question is, how can I help him and keep him as a friend at the same time? I'm afraid that if I tell him the whole truth he will resent me for it.

Also, as I believe he is a victim of serious emotional manipulation and abuse, I can see that he needs help. I can see what his problems are better than he himself and it's hard to know what to say and what not to say. I would to guide him onto the right track to healing but I can't say too much as he has to figure things out himself in his own time (and I find it hard to step back in situations like that).

Also, I don't want to be his therapist because I want to be his friend.

I'm not even sure if he will still talk to me after today.

The striking thing is, she was able to manipulate him into staying in with the kids when she went out with other men (the H didn't know the whole story of course and believed her explanations) and still make him feel like he was the one in the wrong.

He told me that he feels disgusted but a part of him seems to still love her.

I feel I got too involved in this because of my own personal issues.

March 19, 2013

It sounds like you are on the road to becoming very emotionally.intimate with this man and on the verge of your own affair. From what you've written, you really care for him, so I think the best way to help him would be referring him to a good therapist.

March 19, 2013

I don't think I'm on the road to an A.

I've been involved in this story for a long while, partly because it reminds me very much of my own foo. My mother was also personality disordered and my father manipulated by her. I really suffered in her hands and these two people I'm talking about have a daughter who seem to be going through the same thing I went through when I was little.

When I look into her sad eyes, I see part of my former self there. And I have an urge to save her.

Probably not healthy but that's how I feel. I also get emotional when I see people being manipulated and abused like I was.

And yes, I do care about him but not in that way.

I know it's a tangled emotional mess.

March 19, 2013

I forgot to add that my 'friend' told me she believed the H would always be there, even though she didn't really love him. On another occasion she said she always cheated and always would cheat. This is just the way she is. One man is not enough.

It another thing he obviously never knew about.

For the record, I feel sorry for her as well, but I don't think she can be helped in any way.

Edited March 19, 2013 by Ellin

March 19, 2013

Neither of these people is really your friend. You don't need to choose between being his friend and telling him the truth. Just tell him the truth. Be a voice of reason, rather than a part of the drama.

He's a grown man; he doesn't need you to rescue him. Make friends with people whose lives don't put you in awkward positions.

March 19, 2013

Just tell him as much of the truth as you know. That is the most positive thing you can do.

Deceit denies a betrayed spouse the freedom to make decisions in awareness of the facts. This man has very partial information about the betrayal so far.

Tell him what you know and be direct. No "Sort of confirmed it" obliqueness. Pick a method: a five minute phone conversation; an email; a link to your original post. Whichever is the quickest for you.

State that you don't want further contact, if that will help you separate out in your own mind, your own mixed feelings.

Be direct. Try not to beat about the bush or mix in your emotional reactions. From your post, you are aware you might do this. You might be finding it hard to know what to say. If so "Hello Jack. I have some things to tell you about Jill. I want to tell you what I know, so you can decide yourself what to do. Shall I do that or not? OK then, here goes. I made a list in rough order of what she told me. First off, she has had two separate affairs with X and Y, which she told me about last year and the year before... " Or whatever.

Regard this as a test of your character as to whether you can decide to help someone else out of the maze. It can be a quick and straightforward thing to do after you decide, and will help this man decide what to do: disentangle, get defined access to his kid; start the journey to find a healthier honest relationship elsewhere.

Or you can remain part of the tangled system of ongoing deceit that is ****ing up his life. Your choice.

Edited March 19, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

March 19, 2013

For gosh sakes just tell the husband what you know. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to tell you the truth? I would also tell him he needs to get tested for STD's as well. Good kycj,

March 19, 2013

For gosh sakes just tell the husband what you know. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to tell you the truth? I would also tell him he needs to get tested for STD's as well. Good kycj,

The BH deserves the truth.

You witholding the truth is lyng to him.

March 19, 2013

I am completely 100% in agreement with the other posters that say you should share the truth.

Good lord. This poor man is losing his freaking mind because he doesn't know WTF is going on. If it stays this way, the poor guy is going to be pining his life away for his wife, being denied access to his children, all out of faithfulness to a woman that, by her own admission, will never be faithful.

Look, discovery day is painful for any betrayed spouse but we desperately need the truth so we can start to come to grips with it. The wayward wife is obviously just going to use and abuse him, again by her own admission, so you're about the only person in this equation that can release this guy from his prison of hell. He's probably blaming himself entirely for his failed marriage, he's been kicked out of the house. Someone needs to take mercy upon this guy. Hell, I'LL tell him.

Give him every freakin' detail you can think of so he can make an informed decision about how to move forward with his life. And otherwise keep your emotional distance from him. Tell him you can't have an ongoing friendship and that he needs to rely upon a counselor.

March 19, 2013

I've been involved in this story for a long while, partly because it reminds me very much of my own foo. My mother was also personality disordered and my father manipulated by her. I really suffered in her hands and these two people I'm talking about have a daughter who seem to be going through the same thing I went through when I was little.

When I look into her sad eyes, I see part of my former self there. And I have an urge to save her.

You are making this far more complicated than it needs to be.

If you want to help the daughter, be honest with the father. Tell him what is going on, and emphasize that he needs to make a stable home for his daughter his first priority.

March 19, 2013

ellin - I am sorry you have found yourself in this position. And you clearly care for them both.

I do agree that you need to tell the H. He needs to know what his wife is doing to him and his marriage.

March 19, 2013

It sounds like you are on the road to becoming very emotionally.intimate with this man and on the verge of your own affair. From what you've written, you really care for him, so I think the best way to help him would be referring him to a good therapist.

I don't know if you're on the verge of an affair, I do wonder if it's best to tell him and then back off.

If I remember, you were involved in an affair with an older married man. I wonder if their is a pattern here of maybe trying to "rescue" these men from bad marriages or what you at least see as bad marriages. I don't think this is healthy, not if you want a more drama free life anyways. I also have seen many young or younger women project their relationships with their mothers and fathers on married couples. It almost seems like these women are trying to "rescue" their fathers by getting into a relationship with the older married man. I don't know if I'm getting this right, but it does feel like that to me. I don't think this is healthy. A mother and father are supposed to guide and protect the child, not the other way around.

March 19, 2013

Like the others said, tell him the truth. He needs to get a lawyer, to get those kids back! I can only imagine what sort of mental and emotional abuse she is doing to her children as well.

Try to persuade him to find a counselor so that this burden is not on you any longer. Also try to stay away from this woman, she is nothing but drama.

Good to know that you won't pursue a relationship with this guy, he is far from ready. He will become attached to you so you need to know your boundaries.

March 19, 2013

First of all, thank you to everyone who replied.

I know what you mean about wanting him to know the truth. I am too emotional about it than I should be because I've been wanting for so long to talk to him about it and wondering what he really knows and feels about it.

I could see that the W was manipulating everyone including me (or trying to, anyway). I know she's not my friend, that's why I used inverted comas. However, she did trust me and confide in me and that also made it harder for me to go and tell.

The W uses a lot of half-truths, omissions and suggestions to make things appear certain way. She often made me think that nothing was going on between her and her APs and other times she would make it look like the H actually was aware of everything and accepted it as a sort of an open M (funnily enough it was one-sided-ly open as she once told me she wouldn't like if he had someone else, but that was when they still lived together).

There were times though when she seemingly could not manage to keep the appearances any longer and would say the truth with shocking honesty, the examples of which I've given above.

I absolutely don't want to keep any secrets from him or be cruel, that's the last thing I want. I really want him to know the truth but I would like him to know it from someone else than myself. BetrayedH it would be great if you could tell him! I attempted to do it anonymously, but in some strange twist of fate, I did not manage as all the means I tried to use to contact him in this way somehow malfunctioned until I started doubting if it was the right thing to do.

I am not the only person who knows the truth, her other girlfriends know at least some of the stuff, but no one has so far informed him. I believe I'm the only one who actually cares about what he knows and I'm the one who understands what is happening because I have been through a "life course" in dealing with this type of abuse.

He isn't completely in the dark. He says he realized a month ago that she had slept with drifter. I don't know how but he figured it out himself. Maybe he still had doubts because I could sense strong reaction in him when I confirmed. He is obviously going through emotional hell because of the betrayal and his self-esteem is probably zero, since his W cheated on him with such a 'nobody' and then swapped him for an old rich man.

I think he still doesn't realize the full extent of the deceit. He knows that she's now with the older guy but he might think that it only started after he moved out, and I believe it started much earlier (I have no proof, just gossip, but she did tell me shortly before cutting me off that she thought it would be a good idea to find an older rich man).

He doesn't entirely blame himself for the breakdown of his M but he does feel guilty about quite a few things that she had been telling him were his fault. She minimised the good things he did for her. So all in all he thinks he wasn't a good H and blames himself in part.

As if the treatment he got wasn't enough she is now keeping the kids away from him and yesterday he got a text from one of his children saying "I love you", then asking when he was going to apologize to the mother. That left him in pieces.

He didn't reach out to me to find his answers, he just probably felt lost and lonely and thought about me, especially since he now lives close to me. At first he was just trying to set up some sort of friendly R with me, and once it progressed a little, the subject naturally arose, since it is obviously on his mind.

I do want him to know and find the way out of this mess but, call me selfish - I don't want him to associate the worst shock of his life with me. I'm not saying that I will keep him in the dark, I'm trying to find the best way to deal with it, that's why I started this thread.

March 19, 2013

I don't know if you're on the verge of an affair, I do wonder if it's best to tell him and then back off.

If I remember, you were involved in an affair with an older married man. I wonder if their is a pattern here of maybe trying to "rescue" these men from bad marriages or what you at least see as bad marriages. I don't think this is healthy, not if you want a more drama free life anyways. I also have seen many young or younger women project their relationships with their mothers and fathers on married couples. It almost seems like these women are trying to "rescue" their fathers by getting into a relationship with the older married man. I don't know if I'm getting this right, but it does feel like that to me. I don't think this is healthy. A mother and father are supposed to guide and protect the child, not the other way around.

Your above theory does not apply to me.

And yes, I was in a type of A situation, but the man was not M and it wasn't a typical A story.

This thing here is a completely separate issue and the BH in question is not older than me (just for the record).

There is no need to look for links of this issue to any other stuff in my life, apart from what I already mentioned.

Thank you for your input.

March 19, 2013

Like the others said, tell him the truth. He needs to get a lawyer, to get those kids back! I can only imagine what sort of mental and emotional abuse she is doing to her children as well.

Try to persuade him to find a counselor so that this burden is not on you any longer. Also try to stay away from this woman, she is nothing but drama.

Good to know that you won't pursue a relationship with this guy, he is far from ready. He will become attached to you so you need to know your boundaries.

I agree with all the above.

I'm not sure if he has enough money for a good lawyer or a good counsellor though. I know it would be absolutely the best thing to do.

March 19, 2013

After I told him that she did cheat with drifter, he started asking questions about certain times when she went for trips (he found text messages regarding this) and about an occasion when drifter slept in his bed while he was away which he heard about from his child (the W said it was only because he couldn't get home as it was too late). He also asked me when it had started, but I'm not sure about the details of these.

What I know is for example that she would go to drifter's place 'for sex' on tuesdays, and that she once told me she was lucky not to get pregnant by him, that she had told him to get himself checked for std but only after sleeping with him and it turned out he was ok.

To make it worse, some of those things she said to me was when the children were present.

She told me some details of the sex innuendos with drifter, for example how easily she climaxed.

I don't think he needs this type of details, does he?

Apart from that, the stuff that I already mentioned about wanting a rich man and then finding one and using him for his money, and about being a person who is not interested in being faithful etc.

March 19, 2013

Seething, don't turn this around and attack me. I started this thread so it is described from my POV but I disagree with you that I made this about me.

I don't have to explain myself to you but I will tell you that contacting someone anonymously in such circumstances is an advice I heard from some BSs on different forums. I was going to leave the door open for him to ask questions and possibly would reveal my identity if there was a need to do that but being unfamiliar with such situations I wanted to do it that way first.

Some months ago I started a thread on general forum and asked people if they would tell someone they were cheated on and a few posters replied that they would think twice in case it turned against them. Often it is the case of the messenger ending up with bullets in his flesh, apparently.

March 19, 2013

You have to choose what is the best thing for you right now, if telling him the truth really means something to you then do it. Their crazy M is for them to workout or not. You can be a sounding board for him but stay out of all the drama. If you decide to tell him the full Monty do it all at once tell him everything that you know and leave it alone after that. Than sit back and see if he is still willing to be your friend with your not playing into the drama. You stated that the M is over and you really don't want to be a rebound GF so just go for being friends. If anything is to come out of this friendship with him it need's to come much later down the road, like 1-2yrs from now. If he is really so nice etc...Then do the right thing and tell it as it is that's what real friends are supposed to do. Many people claimed that they are friends but they seem to miss the part about honesty and integrity.

March 19, 2013

I do want him to know and find the way out of this mess but, call me selfish - I don't want him to associate the worst shock of his life with me. I'm not saying that I will keep him in the dark, I'm trying to find the best way to deal with it, that's why I started this thread.

You are the ideal person to tell him. You have all this information, straight from his wife, yet you feel no loyalty to his wife. You and he are not long established friends, with a friendship to protect (although I'd tell a true friend in hot minute...).

Why don't you want to be the bearer of this news? So he might not want to be your friend anymore. So what? Why is this new friendship so important to you?

March 19, 2013

I agree with all the above.

I'm not sure if he has enough money for a good lawyer or a good counsellor though. I know it would be absolutely the best thing to do.

Tell him for the children's sake. His children are suffering more than he is.

March 19, 2013

I really want him to know the truth but I would like him to know it from someone else than myself.

You are afraid of losing the friendship and him turning on you. I get that, but he needs to know the truth even if it comes from you. This is in his best interest, and it's all about him, not about you and your friendship with him or trying to not be the bad guy/shoot the messenger in all this. If you two have a strong and real friendship, then this won't really impact the friendship for long, but he is allowed to feel what he feels when he finds out the truth.

March 19, 2013

Seething, don't turn this around and attack me. I started this thread so it is described from my POV but I disagree with you that I made this about me.

I don't have to explain myself to you but I will tell you that contacting someone anonymously in such circumstances is an advice I heard from some BSs on different forums. I was going to leave the door open for him to ask questions and possibly would reveal my identity if there was a need to do that but being unfamiliar with such situations I wanted to do it that way first.

Some months ago I started a thread on general forum and asked people if they would tell someone they were cheated on and a few posters replied that they would think twice in case it turned against them. Often it is the case of the messenger ending up with bullets in his flesh, apparently.

But you are not the cause or reason for their issues in their marriage. You know this, he knows this. If anything, he might be angry that it took so long for you to tell him. Don't wait for him to ask questions or hint about it, that's not fair, holding back info that he needs that you know already.. If you truly care for what is best for him, and your friendship suffers because of it, so be it. But, from what I've read, I think you two DO have a connection and once he processes everything and realizes you DO have his best interest at heart, that you were conflicted - He'll understand..And give you the opportunity to explain things from your angle. He knows you were close to his wife, and he knows you know more..

March 19, 2013

After I told him that she did cheat with drifter, he started asking questions about certain times when she went for trips (he found text messages regarding this) and about an occasion when drifter slept in his bed while he was away which he heard about from his child (the W said it was only because he couldn't get home as it was too late). He also asked me when it had started, but I'm not sure about the details of these.

What I know is for example that she would go to drifter's place 'for sex' on tuesdays, and that she once told me she was lucky not to get pregnant by him, that she had told him to get himself checked for std but only after sleeping with him and it turned out he was ok.

To make it worse, some of those things she said to me was when the children were present.

She told me some details of the sex innuendos with drifter, for example how easily she climaxed.

I don't think he needs this type of details, does he?

Apart from that, the stuff that I already mentioned about wanting a rich man and then finding one and using him for his money, and about being a person who is not interested in being faithful etc.

Be honest. Tell him you know too much and it's made you feel really uncomfortable - That he really needs to confront her and find out details. But, if he asks you, tell him.

March 19, 2013

In my situation, I told the other man's wife. At first she was certainly more concerned with her own reality and the pain of knowing her husband cheated extensively wth my wife (they also have two children). But after a few days she called me to express gratitude. We didn't have a lot of interaction after that but we did occassionally touch base and it was always amiable.

I have a hard time envisioning a scenario where he associates his bad news with you. In fact, I would see you as the one person that had the courage to tell me the truth when no one else would. The fact is that there is a huge upside to revealing this to him and almost no downside. As usual, the ethical choice is pretty plainly apparent. It's just difficult.

Summon courage, Ellin. You have learned something from your experiences; now put it to work. Keep a firm boundary as he is going to be vulnerable to making an emotional attachment but make no mistake, you need to help this man.

Sign In

I've got too involved in someone else's infidelity.

Recommended Posts

Ellin

HopingAgain

Ellin

Ellin

xxoo

TiredFamilyGuy

Bryanp

road

BetrayedH

xxoo

waterwoman

angie2443

Silveron

Ellin

Ellin

Ellin

Ellin

Ellin

ver13

xxoo

Silveron

whichwayisup

whichwayisup

whichwayisup

BetrayedH

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...