Lila1313 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Hi I dumped my ex of 4 years a year ago because we both had a difficult year and I thought our futures were heading in different directions. We stayed seeing each other and as friends until the end of last year when he moved abroad. After a couple weeks he met a girl in a similar way to how he met me and I ask him if he liked her but he denied it a few times. At the start of this year I realised I made a mistake and was being too demanding and wanted to reconcile things with my ex. But I forced it out of him to tell me if he was dating anyone and he admitted the new girl was now his girlfriend. I was angry that he lied to me as I now know they were dating 2 weeks after he arrived there. Since he made it official e.g on Facebook I have been upset everyday. He has been saying the same things he used to say to me, telling everyone he wants to be with her long term and go abroad again with her after his current travels end. Is there anything I can do to get him back? Should I tell him how I feel over email? Or should I just face up to loosing the love of my life? Thanks Lila
TigerCub Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 That's a really tough one. On the one hand: 1. Do you think it would be fair to this new girl if you did that? 2. Are you ready to hear it if he tells you that he wants to be with her (after you confess your feelings) Then on the other hand: 1. If you don't tell him that he is "the love of your life" and that you want him back - will you regret that? Hmmmm, honestly I can't tell you what you should do - this one is tough. I guess you have to weigh which of these options (and possible outcomes) would be the one you would regret most if you didn't do it.
na49 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Well it doesn't matter how much you want him back, what matters is if he wants you back. If he's dating someone right now, he probably doesn't and truth be told he shouldn't because that wouldn't be fair to his new girl. When was the last time you spoke to him? If you were over him, I'd suggest reaching out and starting a friendship but you're not over him so I'd say keep your distance to prevent yourself from being hurt even more.
TigerCub Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Rereading your post - you said that you were too demanding and wanted to reconcile with him - but you forced it out of him that he's seeing this new girl - doesn't that mean that he knows you wanted to reconcile and he still admitted to seeing someone else. If that's so - then I think you have your answer - he wants to move on (despite knowing that you want him back) Sorry sweetie, you may have to just let him go....
january2011 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm assuming that you thought long and hard before breaking up a 4-year relationship. You've had a year to come to terms with this and be friends. Now it looks like your change of heart has only come about due to his being in a relationship with another girl. I think you should leave him be. He's moved on and building a new life in another country. There is nothing here to suggest that your feelings will be reciprocated. Go "no contact" and really make a go of getting over the breakup so that you can move on with your life.
Author Lila1313 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I think I would regret not telling him more because then at least he knows the truth. If he then still chooses her I will have no option but to completely remove him from my life. I last spoke to him 1.5 weeks ago but via email. I forced him to tell me about his new girl because I thought it was the honest thing to do 'as friends'. I had an angry reaction which I agree would have suggested I wanted to reconcile. It came more as a new year reflection rather than my suspicions of his new girl. Even though I was questioning I believed him when he told me there was nothing going on. If he was single I would have joined him abroad because that is what he suggested and what I wanted just before he met his new girlfriend. If he was single now there is a high chance we would be together. Do you think I should tell him now? Wait until he is back (in 3 months) to tell him how I really feel? Or just cut him out from now? Thanks everyone I appreciate your unbiased, unrelated opinions
Bluerain Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 My partner dumped me after almost 18 years together...I was blindsided! 10 months strict NC. The pain was indescribable, I cannot stress how much he hurt me finding out just after he left that he had met someone else 3 weeks prior! Had he come back 3/6 months in I admit I would have jumped at the chance...but if he contacted me now...and yes I am still deeply traumatized that after 18 years...I'm nothing....18 years of history...and I don't exist? I will kick him to the kerb if he ever tries to make contact....my dignity will remain intact...and I'm proud of my 10 months NC! It shows you are a good person at heart to think about the past...but be prepared because people move on! Hugs x 1
MsIndependent1 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Your best bet is to just move on. If someone wants something bad enough they will go after it. Therefore, he's moved on with someone and really shown you that he can see himself with someone else. It's your duty to control what can be controlled which is YOU and start to move in the direction where you can see yourself with someone else to. If it's really meant to be, it will happen.
Thunderchild Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Honesty is the best policy - if you don't, you will torture yourself until the day you die with "What If". He may well say "Clear off", but at least you will know!
Author Lila1313 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) 18 years is such a long time. I commend your strength and resilience of no contact. I have known my ex for 13 years as we were friends before we dated. I sometimes feel drawn to check if he is okay because there are death anniversaries that are coming up shortly. I find it is a difficult time to begin no contact immediately. Today I messaged him via Skype for almost a 1.5 hours. We had a general chat about what we we're both doing and our short term plans. We seemed to get on fine (as we did in the time between him planning for us to travel abroad and when I found out about his gf). The conversation was platonic and ended at around 2am his side. I don't know if he speaks to me because of comfort, politeness, boredom or because he still has feelings for me. It doesn't help that he is someone who seems to crave relationships (e.g. never been single for a long period of time). Everyday that passes I think I grow stronger but still cry. I am focusing more on myself and feel I am getting closer to working out what it is I want and where I am heading. Now I am more confused as to stopping contact, attempting a reconciliation or staying friends. Edited March 20, 2013 by Lila1313
ExpatInItaly Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'd cut contact. He has a girlfriend, and the more you speak to him, the more it will hurt you.
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