Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 does NOBODY's heart flounder a little in the beginning stages of R after an A? I'm sorry but I don't think this is any easy feat and I give myself a couple of passes in the beginning. No one has convinced me to stay or go. I make my own decisions but appreciate the advice on all fronts.
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Also, you cannot be certain that your (in generalities here even though it will seem like I am talking to seething) H was completely out of the A in the beginning stages of R. If the MOM are proven to be "liars" who's to say that he didn't have feelings for her in the beginning that were conflicting? I'm just not afraid to say it. As I know if is something I need to work on and help with.
eleanorrigby Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Are you and your husband trying to do anything fun these days? Movies, dinner, maybe getting out of town for the night? 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Are you and your husband trying to do anything fun these days? Movies, dinner, maybe getting out of town for the night? YES! thank you for asking. We've been doing dates and he is actually coming to a concert with me in a week then we are driving out of state for the weekend. We've een getting more physical again. We take our daughter on fun family dates. We've been getting along great. We do little things for eachother again that mean a lot. I guess the ups and downs are to be expected? We are both trying to heal. Our only problem is we haven't been able to get into our MC yet. (his pick) but he can't get us both in for another month...so there is a lot of gates that are going to be opened yet. Though if he has any questions before that he is more than free to ask and I answer honestly. 2
eleanorrigby Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 That's good, when we had our d-day we had a phone consultation with the Harleys son and his main advice for us for the period immediately after d-day was for us to get out and do some fun things as often as possible and to spend as much time with each other as possible. His advice seemed so crazy to me at the time, the last person I wanted to be having fun with was my husband after d-day and I certainly didn't want to be spending much time with him. But we did it and now I can see why it was advised. Had I followed my instincts and he his, we would have just grown more and more distant and angry with each other after D-Day. 2
Snowflower Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 YES! thank you for asking. We've been doing dates and he is actually coming to a concert with me in a week then we are driving out of state for the weekend. We've een getting more physical again. We take our daughter on fun family dates. We've been getting along great. We do little things for eachother again that mean a lot. I guess the ups and downs are to be expected? We are both trying to heal. Our only problem is we haven't been able to get into our MC yet. (his pick) but he can't get us both in for another month...so there is a lot of gates that are going to be opened yet. Though if he has any questions before that he is more than free to ask and I answer honestly. Re: the bolded... Please don't expect MC to work some type of miracle or assume that it will make a huge difference, at least short-term. I'm not saying that you are expecting that but sometimes, subconsciously, we hope for a magical cure-all or turning point in reconciliation. And in all actuality, MC sometimes makes things worse for a few. All the skeletons, disappointments, resentments, etc. come out of the woodwork in those first several sessions. While you are waiting to get into MC, have you and your H read any marriage books? There are a ton of them out there. Some will resonate with you and some will seem like total BS (not Betrayed Spouse, but the other kind ) so thumb through several books. Perhaps you and your H could each pick one out from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc, (or even your local library) and try reading the books and then switching to the book the other picked. Some thought provoking stuff to be sure! Glad to hear you're doing fun things too. Reconciliation shouldn't be all hard work. It has to be balanced with the fun, light things as well to make it a success! 2
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Re: the bolded... Please don't expect MC to work some type of miracle or assume that it will make a huge difference, at least short-term. I'm not saying that you are expecting that but sometimes, subconsciously, we hope for a magical cure-all or turning point in reconciliation. And in all actuality, MC sometimes makes things worse for a few. All the skeletons, disappointments, resentments, etc. come out of the woodwork in those first several sessions. While you are waiting to get into MC, have you and your H read any marriage books? There are a ton of them out there. Some will resonate with you and some will seem like total BS (not Betrayed Spouse, but the other kind ) so thumb through several books. Perhaps you and your H could each pick one out from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc, (or even your local library) and try reading the books and then switching to the book the other picked. Some thought provoking stuff to be sure! Glad to hear you're doing fun things too. Reconciliation shouldn't be all hard work. It has to be balanced with the fun, light things as well to make it a success! any recommendations? i'm a big reader. H is not (he prefers books on tape) but he is addicted to those. so it would be a bonus if i could find some for him on tape. but for now i would take some good book advice.
Bittersweetie Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 does NOBODY's heart flounder a little in the beginning stages of R after an A? I'm sorry but I don't think this is any easy feat and I give myself a couple of passes in the beginning. No one has convinced me to stay or go. I make my own decisions but appreciate the advice on all fronts. Of course it's not easy. Reconciliation and working on myself after the A was the hardest thing I've ever done. It takes courage and perseverance and determination just to start. In terms of books, Not Just Friends is great, along with After the Affair. I also read a couple of books by Mira Kirshenbaum. Five Love Languages. Those are ones that I still have a few years later. 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I appreciate the response, sincerely. I know I and other BSs are often seen as 'bitter, angry, etc' when in conversations, and that isn't my goal at all. Now on to your response: No, you aren't expected to act 'crazy' when you see OM. You aren't expected to go home and listen to 'your' playlist. You're expected to want to run and hide from this man. You're expected to feel nothing but badly for the damage that the relationship caused. You're expected to know that this man was the accessory by which you severely damaged your relationship with M and want nothing to do with it. That's what BSs expect. Reasonable? maybe not. But to be this affected by it? And to play songs that were once 'your' songs with OM? Doesn't that say that you miss this man and the A terribly? Again, if my H were listening to those songs I'd leave. That alone would be enough for me to say "he isn't in this enough, and he misses her/it/whatever". I'm not going to speak at all for your H or even for all BSs on this board. I know even you are questioning why your H is dealing with this, if I'm reading your post correctly. That, to me, says that you know what you're doing isn't what one expects from a person recommitting to their marriage. I'm sorry if anything I wrote bothers you. I really do want to understand this from the other side so I'm asking questions. I'm not looking to badger you or make you feel uncomfortable with your choices. Thanks I know I'm not "expected" to do all of those things. All of those things are disgusting. but it's the reaction I had. I don't know why. My body went into the mode where again I was in shock over the rejection I felt when he ended things. I don't miss him. But yes, the connection I miss. And I want that again. And I hope it is with my H. I am trying. I know mentally/emotionally my mind goes to where it goes and I am stubborn and have a hard time pushing through those feelings. Which is why I am glad to have this place as a sort of outlet. Therapy as well. It really helped to be able to immediately vent about seeing him. I don't WANT just seeing that man's face to trigger me like that. I want to have no feeling whatsoever. I don't want to hate him. I don't want to like him. I want to be able to go to god damn starbucks and get my god damn chai tea without seeing his stupid face. As my therapist said, I cannot let go of the things i like in life because of the fact that i "may" run into him. I need to be neutral about it and not be effected either way if it happens again. I understand what you are saying, I do. i'm not angry for your thoughts. I am angry at myself for getting this worked up over it.
LFH Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 does NOBODY's heart flounder a little in the beginning stages of R after an A? I'm sorry but I don't think this is any easy feat and I give myself a couple of passes in the beginning. No one has convinced me to stay or go. I make my own decisions but appreciate the advice on all fronts. I think you're certainly right and I can only imagine how hard it must be. *hugs* I just wanted to make sure you were being honest with yourself. The playlist was what got me thinking. I just don't want you setting both of you up for a long road with tons of pitfalls if it's truly not what you want. 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I think you're certainly right and I can only imagine how hard it must be. *hugs* I just wanted to make sure you were being honest with yourself. The playlist was what got me thinking. I just don't want you setting both of you up for a long road with tons of pitfalls if it's truly not what you want. i know you've been worried about me since we decided on R. and rightfully so. I appreciate it. if i sound frustrated it is only with MYSELF, not anyone else. thanks!
Darth Vader Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I don't see it as stringing my H along as I am up front and honest with him about my feelings (even if they hurt). Isn't that his choice then if he chooses to stay with me and work on it then? He wants to help me get past these feelings. He understands why I would have that reaction to seeing ExMOM even though he doesn't like it. I don't know why he thinks I deserve to be stood behind and supported the way he does to me. I sure as hell don't think I deserve it. I guess now being in an A I know how easily one can have feelings for 2 people at the same time. I love my H. I do not love nor did I ever love OM. Why would I give up my marriage of someone I love and have history and a child with over feelings of someone I don't even like? I am just confused is all. I have no interest in being with OM. At all. Do I miss things about him and the way I felt when I was with him? Yes. Enough to want to drop everything to try to be with him? Hell no. Do I listen to the playlist because I like the songs. Probably. Could it be that it takes me back to a time where I felt good. Sure. But I recognize how unhealthy it is to be playing such and to pick up smoking again. That's why I discarded them and the songs. Can't you see I am trying to work on myself here? Maybe that hasn't come across very clear, but I am. I already told my H I wanted to separate in the past. I have no fear following through with that if I indeed feel the need to do so. What I do have fear about it giving up on this M over a chance run-in with someone from my past that should have no bearing on my life whatsoever. I don't WANT seeing him to throw me into a tizzy like this. I want it to not effect me. But give me some credit here, it was the FIRST TIME since DDay. I think I'm expected to act a little crazy the 1st time. It should only get easier I hope if it ever happens again. At least I didn't feel the need to talk to him. I know no good can come of talking to him. Your feelings? What about your Husband's feelings? Hmm? honestly because I love the songs on it. I changed the name and have since added about a hundred songs post dday that have nothing to do with him. It is now MY playlist. Not our playlist. I have a hard time deleting every single song we ever listened to together as my great love for music would miss out on a lot of good ****. So you kept the songs that you two had shared? Don't tell me you kept the panties you were wearing for the OM when you went to go ride him! I'm calling BS on this! The bolded, underlined and Italic says you still prefer your OM over your husband! Do you realize that by keeping these trophies of and from your affair with your OM, you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect your husband? Does your husband even know about these songs of yours that you and your OM listened to? Not to mention EVERYTHING you wore for your OM, to name a few: Perfume, panties, dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, makeup, etc.! Has it even occurred to you that you are still in an affair fog!?
LFH Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Your feelings? What about your Husband's feelings? Hmm? So you kept the songs that you two had shared? Don't tell me you kept the panties you were wearing for the OM when you went to go ride him! I'm calling BS on this! The bolded, underlined and Italic says you still prefer your OM over your husband! Do you realize that by keeping these trophies of and from your affair with your OM, you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect your husband? Does your husband even know about these songs of yours that you and your OM listened to? Not to mention EVERYTHING you wore for your OM, to name a few: Perfume, panties, dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, makeup, etc.! Has it even occurred to you that you are still in an affair fog!? I"m not going to sugarcoat this. SO what if she is thinking more of her OM? What if she did prefer him (she doesn't by the way, she's trying to decide whether to stay with her H or be alone, not go to the OM) But even if she does, the forum isn't to shame people into a particular outcome that you or anyone else think one must conform to. She's trying to figure out what it is she actually DOES want. She's working through her issues. If she ends up wanting to not be with her husband so be it. If her husband wants us to be concerned about his feelings then he can create an account and post, but when the poster is the one posting, it's their feelings I'm concerned with.
Darth Vader Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I"m not going to sugarcoat this. SO what if she is thinking more of her OM? What if she did prefer him (she doesn't by the way, she's trying to decide whether to stay with her H or be alone, not go to the OM) But even if she does, the forum isn't to shame people into a particular outcome that you or anyone else think one must conform to. She's trying to figure out what it is she actually DOES want. She's working through her issues. If she ends up wanting to not be with her husband so be it. If her husband wants us to be concerned about his feelings then he can create an account and post, but when the poster is the one posting, it's their feelings I'm concerned with. If she's thinking about her OM, she isn't working on her marriage, she's sabotaging it, if she prefers the OM, then she needs to quit stringing along her Husband! The thing you're missing is, she has to be doing the heavy lifting, not her husband! She's already showing him signs that she's unwilling to do that! What does SHE want, HELL! That's not her decision to make! It's her Husbands! He can drop her ass at anytime! (Rightfully so!) He's not obligated to do anything for her! I can sense his patience is wearing thin! Perhaps he should post here, so he can vent his feelings as well.......
LFH Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) What does SHE want, HELL! That's not her decision to make! It's her Husbands! He can drop her ass at anytime! (Rightfully so!) He's not obligated to do anything for her! I can sense his patience is wearing thin! Perhaps he should post here, so he can vent his feelings as well....... Actually it's THEIR decision to make. If she decides she doesn't want to stay that's her right too. If he wants to leave, that's his right as well, but he's not exercising that right. And if he's upset, then yeah, maybe he should post here. And when he's upset I'll be empathetic to him as well, but until he does, I'm going to support the person that's looking for support. Also, these knee jerk YOU ARE SO WRONG reactions when someone is having a hard time is exactly why a lot of posters stop posting, or stop sharing the issues they really need help about, and then how will the advice ever reach them? Edited March 23, 2013 by LFH
Darth Vader Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Actually it's THEIR decision to make. If she decides she doesn't want to stay that's her right too. If he wants to leave, that's his right as well, but he's not exercising that right. And if he's upset, then yeah, maybe he should post here. And when he's upset I'll be empathetic to him as well, but until he does, I'm going to support the person that's looking for support. Also, these knee jerk YOU ARE SO WRONG reactions when someone is having a hard time is exactly why a lot of posters stop posting, or stop sharing the issues they really need help about, and then how will the advice ever reach them? Her having a "hard time" is by her own doing, if people thought more with their brain, rather than falling into lust, well, I think you see where I'm going with this! In any case, she should consider IC to assist with this issue/s, if she hasn't already done so. At least that's some real advice that can be given. However, it's too little, too late for her husband as he's destroyed forever by her actions (choice). Lastly, if she's having a "hard time", what do you think her husband's going through? (porno mind movies) She put them there! So, to sum it up, she's going through nothing compared to her Husband!
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