loredo21 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I saw ExMOM today. Just in passing. Locked eyes and went on about our business. THANK GOD I was on my way into therapy right after that. I had a complete breakdown in front of my therapist. My mind has been racing ever since. I bought a pack of cigarettes (quit 2 months ago). Came home and immediately went nutso looking at all of his and Ws social media. I am completely set back starting from square one yet again. And I don't know what to do. The funny thing is I usually work every monday but I couldn't make it in today because of my therapy appoint so I had a little time to kill and wanted some chai tea. I know with 100% transparency I now need to tell my H. AHHHHHHH! Stupid Starbucks...
eleanorrigby Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 It's a setback, but at least you didn't go looking for it. It's good though for you to see how any contact just sets you back and disturbs your progress. Good luck. 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 It's a setback, but at least you didn't go looking for it. It's good though for you to see how any contact just sets you back and disturbs your progress. Good luck. Thanks! I know I told my therapist, at least it was just in passing because if he would have stopped me I am not sure if I would have cried or punched him in the face. The bright side of it is that we both pretended like we didn't know eachother. But that's also a down side because it did make me feel sad. I guess this will be a test of my strength.
stevie_23 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It's a setback, but at least you didn't go looking for it. It's good though for you to see how any contact just sets you back and disturbs your progress. Good luck. That’s so true. ANY contact at all leaves you feeling like THAT. Yuck. Stressed. Freaking out. Out of control. So it just shows you more that where you are HEADING (emotionally) is a MUCH better place than where you have been (with him). And it IS sad that you acted like strangers, but such is the post-affair. It's not the same as a "normal" breakup. It just isn't. 1
LFH Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 *hugs* How are you feeling about it this morning? Any better? 1
Poppy fields Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I think you handled it the best you could have. Good luck in finding the strength to share with your husband. 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 not so good. I'm smoking like a chimney again. I keep playing "our" playlist. I can't think about anything else. I still need to tell H. I was doing so well dammit! How can one tiny instance throw me into such a tailspin? HOW?
Owl Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 not so good. I'm smoking like a chimney again. I keep playing "our" playlist. I can't think about anything else. I still need to tell H. I was doing so well dammit! How can one tiny instance throw me into such a tailspin? HOW? The term is "addiction". You were addicted to the affair. You'd quit cold-turkey, dealt with the grief and withdrawl sypmtoms...and then had an unintentional 'dose' of him...setting you back. Simply keep moving forward. How you feel right now is not how you have to feel tomorrow. Stop playing those songs, put down the cigarettes, and do something to refocus your mind and energy. Go for a run, work out...these things will do wonders to help your body cope with the stress it's feeling, and your mind to refocus onto that activity instead of 'him'. 1
firstandlast Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I saw ExMOM today. Just in passing. Locked eyes and went on about our business. THANK GOD I was on my way into therapy right after that. I had a complete breakdown in front of my therapist. My mind has been racing ever since. I bought a pack of cigarettes (quit 2 months ago). Came home and immediately went nutso looking at all of his and Ws social media. I am completely set back starting from square one yet again. And I don't know what to do. The funny thing is I usually work every monday but I couldn't make it in today because of my therapy appoint so I had a little time to kill and wanted some chai tea. I know with 100% transparency I now need to tell my H. AHHHHHHH! Stupid Starbucks... I totally know how you feel -- something like this happened to me a couple of months ago. Don't look at is as a setback. It's more of a reality check -- you're not completely over it yet -- and a reminder of how important NC is to the process of healing and moving on. 1
Breathless Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Loredo21...I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling today. I know what you are going thru exactly! xMM and I had a run in a couple of weeks ago. I panicked like a scared rabbit and left. Pretty embarrassing considering it's been over a year and half since NC was established. We have our awkward run-ins every few weeks and each time, it affects me! It sends my emotions spinning for a day or so. But it actually does get easier over time...but it never goes away. I just accepted that he will always have an effect on me (good or bad)...It's up to me how I handle those effects that most important. I was wondering, do you think it would be beneficial to your R to tell your BH about the run in? My BH made it clear unless xMM contacts me directly, he does not want to know about it. xMM and I live and work near one another - so my BH knows that the chances of us seeing each other are high. It's for his own peace of mind to not know. 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Loredo21...I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling today. I know what you are going thru exactly! xMM and I had a run in a couple of weeks ago. I panicked like a scared rabbit and left. Pretty embarrassing considering it's been over a year and half since NC was established. We have our awkward run-ins every few weeks and each time, it affects me! It sends my emotions spinning for a day or so. But it actually does get easier over time...but it never goes away. I just accepted that he will always have an effect on me (good or bad)...It's up to me how I handle those effects that most important. I was wondering, do you think it would be beneficial to your R to tell your BH about the run in? My BH made it clear unless xMM contacts me directly, he does not want to know about it. xMM and I live and work near one another - so my BH knows that the chances of us seeing each other are high. It's for his own peace of mind to not know. Well we do live in close proximity and have some mutual friends. BUT this is the 1st time since DDay (8months) that we've had a run in. I kinda knew in my mind that it may happen. I was advised to tell H this being the 1st time and given the reaction I am having I need to be honest. I will let H decide whether or not he wants to know from here on out. Thank you for the support so far everyone!
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 welp. cigarettes are in the trash. I told H everything. He was very understanding and supportive. But later last night he seemed to be upset. I felt like he was picking fights with me over other stupid stuff because what he was actually mad about he didn't want to throw in my face. So I went right to picking back at him. We got in a huge fight and I left to go for a drive and smoke. I woke up this morning and realized I was being ridiculous by letting this affect me the way it has. So I threw the smokes away. And am planning on keeping myself busy with housework and some Yoga. And I stopped playing that stupid god forsaken playlist. Bleh. H and I aren't doing great obviously. But we are gonna talk about it when he gets home from work. We need to get our MC appoint moved up if we can. The tension is thick folks. And this feeling sucks! 1
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 welp. cigarettes are in the trash. I told H everything. He was very understanding and supportive. But later last night he seemed to be upset. I felt like he was picking fights with me over other stupid stuff because what he was actually mad about he didn't want to throw in my face. So I went right to picking back at him. We got in a huge fight and I left to go for a drive and smoke. I woke up this morning and realized I was being ridiculous by letting this affect me the way it has. So I threw the smokes away. And am planning on keeping myself busy with housework and some Yoga. And I stopped playing that stupid god forsaken playlist. Bleh. H and I aren't doing great obviously. But we are gonna talk about it when he gets home from work. We need to get our MC appoint moved up if we can. The tension is thick folks. And this feeling sucks! On a theoretical basis it would be easier if you left your H. He would only have to deal with the devastation of the affair and nothing else. Reconciliation is harder because he has to deal with the affair and at the same time work on staying married. Two jobs at once. I know I could not do it and I admire your H for that. He must love you very much. For me this would mean my wife does not love me anymore and I would let her go. But, everybody is different.
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 On a theoretical basis it would be easier if you left your H. He would only have to deal with the devastation of the affair and nothing else. Reconciliation is harder because he has to deal with the affair and at the same time work on staying married. Two jobs at once. I know I could not do it and I admire your H for that. He must love you very much. For me this would mean my wife does not love me anymore and I would let her go. But, everybody is different. In theory, perhaps. But the truth is I (we) were doing great before I saw exMOM. I feel like it is just another hurdle we need to jump over. It is bound to happen. And I will run into him again. My H may run into him. I may run into his W. All things I have to deal with and have to put my H through because I was stupid enough to get involved in an A. I don't want my feelings to be thrown around like this. It is just the universe at play here trying to test my strength. Our strength. I don't want to string H along and I fully intend to figure this out before I hurt him anymore than I have. I am doing therapy once a week now. She is helping me figure out what I want out of life. I just need to be strong enough either way to make it happen. 1
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 In theory, perhaps. But the truth is I (we) were doing great before I saw exMOM. I feel like it is just another hurdle we need to jump over. It is bound to happen. And I will run into him again. My H may run into him. I may run into his W. All things I have to deal with and have to put my H through because I was stupid enough to get involved in an A. I don't want my feelings to be thrown around like this. It is just the universe at play here trying to test my strength. Our strength. I don't want to string H along and I fully intend to figure this out before I hurt him anymore than I have. I am doing therapy once a week now. She is helping me figure out what I want out of life. I just need to be strong enough either way to make it happen. You are in love with OM, make no mistake about it. For some people love trumps everything. They see love as some mystical force that is overwhelming. In reality, you were in love with how the OM made you feel. Men and women with extraordinary requirements for emotional needs fall hard for the person that meets the emotional needs. You need to be 100% NC to have any success. Your H needs to figure out which emotional needs were lacking. If he works on meeting your needs you will fall in love with him again.
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 You are in love with OM, make no mistake about it. For some people love trumps everything. They see love as some mystical force that is overwhelming. In reality, you were in love with how the OM made you feel. Men and women with extraordinary requirements for emotional needs fall hard for the person that meets the emotional needs. You need to be 100% NC to have any success. Your H needs to figure out which emotional needs were lacking. If he works on meeting your needs you will fall in love with him again. No I was never in love with OM. You are correct I am in love with the way he made me feel. How I felt during that time.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 No I was never in love with OM. You are correct I am in love with the way he made me feel. How I felt during that time. You need to kill the fantasy and the man you built OM up to be. Since you say you aren't in love with him and liked how he made you feel, MAKE yourself just stop thinking and remembering that stuff! You got addicted to how he made you feel, that's it! Based on emotions and lust, not love, not genuine care or respect. To throw away your marriage and what you've shared with your husband for the above?? Really give that some thought. Because that's what could happen if you don't stop trying to relive or desire what exOM provided for you. 1
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 If you don't know what you want, aren't you stringing him along now? Your H, I mean. He's working to make the marriage work, and you're playing love songs from your affair and really being affected just by seeing another man. It seems like, whatever the reason, you aren't that interested in your H any longer and you're trying to make it work because you're supposed to. Isn't that stringing him along? I'm not trying to be critical here. I never dealt with my H longing for his A. He ended it before I found out although his heart still wasn't in the marriage. When I found out and gave him the boot, he realized where his heart was and he's been a changed man since, at least regarding his attitude towards our marriage and me. If I ever caught him listening to 'their' songs, he'd be gone. To me, that would be a sign that his heart wasn't in the marriage or with me, and that would be the end. I know you think well of your H and you're working to make things better, and that's admirable, but honestly, it seems like you are indeed stringing him along. I don't see it as stringing my H along as I am up front and honest with him about my feelings (even if they hurt). Isn't that his choice then if he chooses to stay with me and work on it then? He wants to help me get past these feelings. He understands why I would have that reaction to seeing ExMOM even though he doesn't like it. I don't know why he thinks I deserve to be stood behind and supported the way he does to me. I sure as hell don't think I deserve it. I guess now being in an A I know how easily one can have feelings for 2 people at the same time. I love my H. I do not love nor did I ever love OM. Why would I give up my marriage of someone I love and have history and a child with over feelings of someone I don't even like? I am just confused is all. I have no interest in being with OM. At all. Do I miss things about him and the way I felt when I was with him? Yes. Enough to want to drop everything to try to be with him? Hell no. Do I listen to the playlist because I like the songs. Probably. Could it be that it takes me back to a time where I felt good. Sure. But I recognize how unhealthy it is to be playing such and to pick up smoking again. That's why I discarded them and the songs. Can't you see I am trying to work on myself here? Maybe that hasn't come across very clear, but I am. I already told my H I wanted to separate in the past. I have no fear following through with that if I indeed feel the need to do so. What I do have fear about it giving up on this M over a chance run-in with someone from my past that should have no bearing on my life whatsoever. I don't WANT seeing him to throw me into a tizzy like this. I want it to not effect me. But give me some credit here, it was the FIRST TIME since DDay. I think I'm expected to act a little crazy the 1st time. It should only get easier I hope if it ever happens again. At least I didn't feel the need to talk to him. I know no good can come of talking to him.
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 that one part came out wrong. the part about him having no bearing on my life whatsoever. Or I just don't like the way it sounds. Of course it has bearing on my life and my H's life. That's what I get for bringing an A into our lives. It probably will affect us forever. But I don't want it to be MOM. The affair, yes has a huge weight on our lives but I don't want to give anything up to that douchebag of an exMOM of mine. he doesnt deserve that much power.
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 honestly because I love the songs on it. I changed the name and have since added about a hundred songs post dday that have nothing to do with him. It is now MY playlist. Not our playlist. I have a hard time deleting every single song we ever listened to together as my great love for music would miss out on a lot of good ****.
LFH Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 If you don't know what you want, aren't you stringing him along now? Your H, I mean. He's working to make the marriage work, and you're playing love songs from your affair and really being affected just by seeing another man. It seems like, whatever the reason, you aren't that interested in your H any longer and you're trying to make it work because you're supposed to. Isn't that stringing him along?. I'm going to try and be gentle here, I'm not sure you will like what I'm going to say though, but I think that seething has a point. I said from the beginning, in your thread where you talked about whether or not you wanted to stay married that I don't think you do. I understand feeling trainwrecked by seeing him intially and it taking a bit to regain your footing, but you aren't honestly acting like you are all in. I don't think you can reconcile unless both people are completely all in. I worry that the relationship you do have with your H, one of comfortable friendship is going to be badly damaged by your attempt to reconcile. I think you do think it is what you should be doing, and I think you were convinced by people that you should give it a shot... and I think you may know deep down it isn't what you want. And reconciling is a ridiculous amount of work, I can't imagine that it will be effective if your heart isn't in it. Just something to think about. 3
Author loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 aaaan I just realized I called it "our" playlist yesterday....gag!
Bittersweetie Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 honestly because I love the songs on it. I changed the name and have since added about a hundred songs post dday that have nothing to do with him. It is now MY playlist. Not our playlist. I have a hard time deleting every single song we ever listened to together as my great love for music would miss out on a lot of good ****. Thanks. Maybe consider "unchecking" some of the more triggery songs for now then? Then maybe in a few months or years, you can recheck them and be able to listen to them without having memories. I had a playlist too, of all kinds of songs. I deleted it. The couple of songs that he gave me I deleted. Now, years later, I can't even remember what songs were there...so my music is all my own again. But getting them out of the rotation for now may help. 1
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