LD - what do you think?

[Doicare]

Hi There,

 

Looking for a little insight. I have a girlfriend overseas (EU), we've been dating 3 years. She has a job that she spent a long time studying for, and family and friends there too. She recently said she wanted to move to be with me, and started to look into it, had meetings, but it's been two months and I havent heard a peep from her about it since. She may or may not get a job in what she studied (phd) so long to get, although she would make way more money here even if she didnt. The idea of my moving there would be financial suicide, and Im not willing to do that.

 

Whenever I bring up the subject she gets super pissed at me, telling me Im pressuring her / she's too busy etc. I know she loves me, maybe not enough to move, but she still flirts with me constantly, tells me how much she wants to be with me. But when it comes to actually talking about moving she totally avoids the subject and always has.

 

I love her so much, but I know forcing the issue will only make her not want to move. So Ive stepped back, and feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern. Im 35 she's 30. I would think the desire to have a family would be a motivating factor for her to move..... guess it's not enough.

 

Anyhow I had this super amazing, outgoing, nice, gorgeous girl just come right up started flirting with me at a pub this weekend. I acted nice and funny, but gave her no feeling that I was remotely interested in her. She eventually left. Ive been kicking myself since. I sooooo badly want a girlfriend here, but I want my girlfriend, the one I want to marry, and I want to have some fun with before we have kids.... but more and more Im starting to think that she'll never move, or when she finally decides to move it'll be just to have kids (i.e. we will really never have any time just us two together before we start a family).

 

What do you guys think? Should I have a now or never talk with her (she may feel pressured)? Should I just break up and move on (ive been thinking about this non stop)? Should I just back away for a few weeks, and see how she responds? Any insight is appreciated....

 

Thanks!

[MrCastle]

I don't think long distance relationships are real relationships. They are only relationships by name/in theory.

 

My advice to you (to anyone, really) would be to find someone in your own zip code.

[Pyro]

Hi There,

 

Looking for a little insight. I have a girlfriend overseas (EU), we've been dating 3 years. She has a job that she spent a long time studying for, and family and friends there too. She recently said she wanted to move to be with me, and started to look into it, had meetings, but it's been two months and I havent heard a peep from her about it since. She may or may not get a job in what she studied (phd) so long to get, although she would make way more money here even if she didnt. The idea of my moving there would be financial suicide, and Im not willing to do that.

 

Whenever I bring up the subject she gets super pissed at me, telling me Im pressuring her / she's too busy etc. I know she loves me, maybe not enough to move, but she still flirts with me constantly, tells me how much she wants to be with me. But when it comes to actually talking about moving she totally avoids the subject and always has.

 

I love her so much, but I know forcing the issue will only make her not want to move. So Ive stepped back, and feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern. Im 35 she's 30. I would think the desire to have a family would be a motivating factor for her to move..... guess it's not enough.

 

Anyhow I had this super amazing, outgoing, nice, gorgeous girl just come right up started flirting with me at a pub this weekend. I acted nice and funny, but gave her no feeling that I was remotely interested in her. She eventually left. Ive been kicking myself since. I sooooo badly want a girlfriend here, but I want my girlfriend, the one I want to marry, and I want to have some fun with before we have kids.... but more and more Im starting to think that she'll never move, or when she finally decides to move it'll be just to have kids (i.e. we will really never have any time just us two together before we start a family).

 

What do you guys think? Should I have a now or never talk with her (she may feel pressured)? Should I just break up and move on (ive been thinking about this non stop)? Should I just back away for a few weeks, and see how she responds? Any insight is appreciated....

 

Thanks!

 

Tough spot to be in.

 

At this point you are going to have to make a choice. You've tried discussing it with her and it isn't working so you can either wait for her and 'hope' that she will eventually come around or you can move on with your life.

 

I can't judge but maybe the way that you brought up the topic wasn't the correct way.

[Doicare]

thanks for the quick replies.

 

i think she'll eventually move... she's at that age where i can tell more and more she wants to settle down. she was totally into the idea of moving two months ago.

 

I do agree that maybe i dont have a real relationship. we do spend months at a time together, sometimes only a couple weeks, but i guess it's never enough to really nail it down as a real relationship.

 

anyhow, up until now i think ive done everything right. I guess im not sure what to do to bring it to the next level - that's assuming it can be done in the first place...? And if it can't i def want out, and want someone special in my life who can bring it there.

[Pyro]

thanks for the quick replies.

 

i think she'll eventually move... she's at that age where i can tell more and more she wants to settle down. she was totally into the idea of moving two months ago.

 

I do agree that maybe i dont have a real relationship. we do spend months at a time together, sometimes only a couple weeks, but i guess it's never enough to really nail it down as a real relationship.

 

anyhow, up until now i think ive done everything right. I guess im not sure what to do to bring it to the next level - that's assuming it can be done in the first place...? And if it can't i def want out, and want someone special in my life who can bring it there.

 

You have a real relationship. While my relationship was long distance our time together was only for 2-3 weeks at a time. My relationship wasn't any less of one than anyone elses.

[Doicare]

yeah thanks for the assurance. i meant to reply to your advice to.

 

I think I may come across as all or nothing when ive approached her in the past. I never want to seem needy, so i think my aloofness may come across as criticism, ultimatum giving or anger or something. She's super sensitive to everything.

 

So maybe I need to be a little more caring. Tell her I love her and want this to work and ask her to move in together with me. That or a ring...? i work in a small company, and my boss suggested it's time to make a bold move. everyone loves my gf and wants to see us work this out.

 

Anycase, I think I need to turn up the appeal, good times and get back to the basics. I think with this limbo we've both kind of taken a step back, and I think our relationship may be suffering as a result.

 

Once we reconnect on that level, is when I think it'll be a much better talk....

[justwhoiam]

You never considered moving to where she is. That could be the problem. Even if you objectively think you won't move to her place, she should know you would. That's how I see it from a female's point of view. If the guy I love told me it's just me who needs to leave everything, I wouldn't welcome the idea. I would feel forced, but most of all, I would feel he doesn't love me as much as I do, because he wouldn't do what I've been asked to do.

 

Think about it. That said... after some reasoning, you analyze the pros and the cons together and it might become just a matter of principle, not requiring you to move anywhere.

Source: a woman in the EU.