snilljente Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 At the beginning of the summer, I met a guy who "swept me off of my feet"....I was not swept easily...I actually hesitated to go out with him to begin with because THE EXACT DAY I met him I had declared myself in a date free time period, removed my online profile and told friends and family that I was officially taking a break from dating. Go figure that I met him that night...he gave me his number...wanted to get together that night, I was sceptical, but went to dinner with him a couple of nights later.....WE WERE INSEPARABLE after that.... It was a pretty unique situation given that I have summers off with my job, we were together all day, every day and things progressed quickly. I am 35, he is 33, we are both divorced...I told him that I had been through alot, both in my divorce and in dating afterwards...and that I was scared...he encouraged me to shared my thoughts and after some time, I broke down and told him that I was falling for him...he said that hearing that was not going to make him run and asked how that made ME FEEL....I replied...Awesome....He was so sweet..like a best girlfriend, but in the body of a big hunky muscular guy that I found attractive...I thought that I definitely had found the man I would eventually marry...no hurry..I do not take these things lightly.... I met his family several times, ate dinner with them...vice versa...he was always more than willing to join me with family and friends...just super easy going, funny, romantic, etc.... To make things somewhat complicated..he was dealing with legal issues that had been pending for about three years....he was looking at doing some time begininng in August....we had discussed that we would keep in touch and hang out after he got "out"....we discussed visiting, talking by phone, etc....it was only for a matter of a few months, so I had told him flat out that he was worth waiting for.... About two weeks for his time was to start he found out that he would have to wait until the end of October to start his jail time.....he seemed upset and I was too...I just wanted to get it over with...we had both been discussing it and had mentally prepared ourselves for the date he had originally been given....He seemed to be making light of it and I lost it and said, "this is all a big joke to you"...he brought me home and said, "I'll call you later.....".... To make a long story short, our contact dwindled as the days passed with me messaging/calling him and after about a week..him not returning my calls/messages at all (after seeing each other at the gym and me calling him afterwards crying asking why he had time to go to the gym, but didn't have the decency to call me like he had been saying he would do for days).....I had FLAT OUT asked him several times if he just wanted to break up...he said no each time...the last time we talked, he said he cared, that we were close, that he really liked me....etc...I was crying so hard on the phone that I made an excuse that my mom was on the other line and that he could call me later....my thinking being that I could get myself together in the meantime and be much more rational and at a better place to call...he never called and that was the beginning of him blowing me off completely.... I freaked out....I mean this guy had told me that he had only felt this way once before in his life...he had me try on a ring...I met his family...we talked about what kind of car we would have, kids names, etc..... I DIDN'T THINK FOR A SECOND THAT HE WOULD HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I was in a complete panic during this time of no contact...my heart was breaking in a way that I had never known, even when my ex husband left...I did go a little nuts, but I tried not contacting him and just kept blowing it because I missed him......my contact did dwindle to the occasional message that I was thinking about him, that his life was going to be so much better when all of the legal stuff got worked out...encouraging things like that..some of my messages were sent out of frustration and anger, but the over all theme was always of encouragement and me missing him. A couple of weeks went by and I thought he was just in his "cave" dealing with his stress when a third party called and told me that she had found out that he had a new 24 year old gf......I was devastated.....he had told me that he didn't want to get closer to me and then have to leave for jail and this whole time he was hooking up with someone else.... I really thought for a few days that I was cracking up...I mean I had laid my heart out for this man...and he had assured me he wouldn't hurt me....and then this... My question for you men is do you think my emotions pushed him away for good, or do you think that a man who is not straightforward and tells a woman what is really going on is going to cheat eventually anyways....I considered us to still be together when I found out about the other girl and considered our separation to be temporary and due to his stress, which is what he had told me over and over....I know that I reacted in a totally normal human way, but if I could have somehow managed to be cool and collected, would this have helped the situation....I need input..I can't let this go until I get a better grasp on what has happened. Please answer!!
SoleMate Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 do you think my emotions pushed him away for good? No. or do you think that a man who is not straightforward and does not tell a woman what is really going on is going to break her heart eventually anyways? Yes. ...this guy had told me that he had only felt this way once before in his life...he had me try on a ring...I met his family...we talked about what kind of car we would have, kids names...I had FLAT OUT asked him several times if he just wanted to break up...he said no each time...the last time we talked, he said he cared, that we were close, that he really liked me....etc.... 98% of the above is just WORDS. Words don't mean a lot if they are not backed up with ACTION. This guy talked a good game with you, but I don't see anything here other than TALK. Also...pending jail time is definitely a red flag. I hope you got to see the actual paperwork that showed what he was going to be doing the time for. I'd be interested to know if this were my "soulmate', just exactly how low he had gone, and why. Let me guess...he committed some kind of fraud that depended on him being able to snow the victim(s) with his sincere, heartfelt talk. Am I right? my contact did dwindle to the occasional message that I was thinking about him, that his life was going to be so much better when all of the legal stuff got worked out...encouraging things like that..some of my messages were sent out of frustration and anger, but the over all theme was always of encouragement and me missing him So...he gave you a slow, silent jilt, and you kept hounding him? That's not good. Next time, realize that if he can't get back to you in a reasonable time, it means that you ARE through. Especially after such a short, empty interaction, which apparently mostly consisted of you using his words on you. Your "emotions" are not the problem here. The problem is you : * falling for someone whom you hardly know * accepting his WORDS even when they are contradicted by his ACTIONS * getting too close, too fast, with someone who is not worthy of it * making excuses for why he can't call you and be with you You may want to consider talking to a relationship counselor about how you can avoid problems like this in the future. Good luck, I do think the pain will begin to ease shortly.
Author snilljente Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 "Especially after such a short, empty interaction, which apparently mostly consisted of you using his words on you". I didn't understand what you meant by the above.....but you seemed to hit the nail on the head...funny, he was able to talk a level headed, educated, woman like me into falling for him despite big time hesitation to get so close so fast...he pursued me...he was the one making excuses for his actions..I was questioning him....he was telling me that it wasn't me..he was just trying to get through a tough patch.... I am seeing a counselor..this really devastated me...despite him turning out to be a less than worthy person, the pain is still there....My counselor and I are talking about taking things much slower, no matter how convincing someone is...funny, his actions did back his words 100% until right when the no contact started....I know that it was bad of me to keep "hounding" him as you put it, but I am not the kind of person to snap my fingers and stop caring.....I am picky (funny huh) about who I date, even moreso about who I date exclusively and I felt an incredible connection to him... His jail time is due to him being "set up" by an old girlfriend..OBviously, in retrospect...I am almost certain that there is more to this story than he told me..... So for a man like this...getting a girl to care about him is just a game? and for what purpose? to boost him ego?
moimeme Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 he was able to talk a level headed, educated, woman like me into falling for him despite big time hesitation to get so close so fast...he pursued me...he was the one making excuses for his actions. [color=red]Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag[/color] If some guy tries to 'sweep you off your feet', FLEE!!!! Run far and FAST. The more often I hear these tales, the more I think this must always be a danger sign. Just think - if you really love someone, there's no rush because you're going to love each other forever. These guys who try to rush you into stuff do so, I think, because they don't want you to have a chance to find out their flaws. They have to get you hooked before six months pass, because for most people that's when the shine starts to fade. Just keep a great big warning alarm in your head so if ever again you meet a guy who attempts to rush you into a relationship, you turn the other way and get away as fast as you possibly can.
Author snilljente Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 Great point..I never thought of it that way...that they are in a rush to "win you over" before you see who they really are...this makes perfect sense in his case...In retrospect (isn't hindsight wonderful?!)..he had made a couple comments like, what does a woman like you need with a guy like me....but I just thought he was trying to be flattering....but there were glimpses of insecurity......I think that is why he feels safer with the much younger 24 yr old gf....I had started to ask questions about the legal stuff....maybe he was afraid that I was going to blow his cover....and the real him would be exposed...
ojibwaywmn Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 You might as well have been talking about my ex. He said all the right things and swept me off my feet. Looking back, I recognize a lot of things that have been red flags. At the time, I didn't care. I just wanted to be loved and cared for. Now I see how gullible I was....I threw caution to the wind just so I can have a boyfriend. Pretty pathetic eh? But the good thing is.....we learn how more about ourselves and use that knowledge for the next relationship.
Author snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 That's just the thing..I didn't throw caution to the wind...I was careful...expressed my fears, what I had gone through in the past...if this guy wasn't genuine and it was just 98% words as a previous poster said, he was the best actor I have ever seen.... Ojib...just curious about what the red flags were that you noticed in hindsight? When I went to counseling when my ex husband decided to abandon our relationship, the counselor said something that will stick with me forever....He said that "regret is a terrible thing".....he explained how he wanted to be old and gray and not look back on his life and have alot of regrets...I have so much regret already at the age of 35...not understanding what happened with this guy is right up there because, as I mentioned in my first post, I really thought he was the one...but he found someone new so fast...he couldn't reallly have cared could he?!
sillysally Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 He's a slimeball. And because he was so good at convincing you it was "real" makes me think he is a really good con artist with years of practice. Feel sorry for the 24 year old woman. I am a probation officer and there are so men out there who commit crimes against women and say they were "set up" by the woman. ANOTHER HUGE RED FLAG. This was a blessing in disguise. And do not second guess yourself and think you said or did something to scare him away. This is probably a pattern for him. I think you are still vulnerable because of the divorce even though you thought you were strong. Continue counseling and take that break from dating that you were talking about. You dodged a bullet there sister, be thankful!!! Peace.
Author snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 Thanks SillySally....You expressed what so many friends and family members have told me...but it is just hard...I don't understand another person's need to hurt someone unnecessarily...when I told him that I was scared, etc...he could have found someone who just wanted to fool around, who was shallow, like him, but instead he continued to pursue me....a genuinely caring person who had been hurt before and expressed fear about getting hurt again.....Why would he pick someone like me to do that too? Anyways, I am pretty sure the same pattern will show itself with the 24 yr old....you are right..I am starting to really wonder if he is a full blown con artist....he mentioned that the ex girlfriend from three years ago had set him up...be he stayed with her for almost three years and she NEVER ONCE stood up for him and said that just because he signed the lease at the place where the illegal stuff went on (because she had bad credit and couldn't get it on her own) that he didn't know what was going on there...I don't know about you...but if I was dating someone who did this and then didn't even stand up for me and say, this guy is innocent and was just doing me a favor, I would not stay around and continue dating him....I wouldn't want anything to do with him, let alone continue to let him be my boyfriend!!! By the way, legally, are there times when an innocent person pleads guilty to something they didn't do...
sillysally Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Oh I agree, people take plea bargains quite a bit. But don't give him the benefit of the doubt. And to answer your other question, he is probably very selfish and cared about you to a point, but he cared about himself much more. He was looking out for number one and probably did not consciously set out to hurt you, it wasn't some pre-meditated plan. It has happended to me before too, I've been left in the dust with a lot of unanswered questions. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out his reasoning or lack thereof. You'll never figure it out. Chalk it up as a learning experience and try to move on. Easier said than done, I know!!
Author snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 Yes, you are right...easier said than done, but working on it ....I guess it does go back to selfishness....I'd like to hope it wasn't premeditated, but like you said, there's no way I'll ever know, so I have to try and let it go....Funny when you said he was selfish...he was so giving of his time, money, helping me around the house with things, etc......the last way that I would have characterized him was selfishl...but as far as dealing with feelings...yea, he put his first....so I guess that's selfish...Plea bargain or no plea bargain..he STAYED WITH HER AND she didn't stand up for him...she let him take the wrap (if he is innocent) and HE STAY WITH HER for three years....,...crazy?! Maybe he isn't used to being treated well and couldn't handle being with a "good" person (me)...Thanks again.
ojibwaywmn Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Hi Snill....again I have gone through all the thoughts and feelings that you have. As for red flags.... 1) Moved in with me one month into the relationship 2) Kept saying how much he loved me, how happy he was..would pout if I didn't reciprocate 3) Always talked about how we should share money, expenses, etc....meanwhile, I was the main bread winner 4) Didn't want to tell his ex about us right away, said that she would prevent him from seeing the kids if she knew 5) Would pout if I wanted to do something on my own 6) Made little comments on me being "too independent" 7) Chatted on the internet into the wee hours of the night, later found out that he was talking to other girls 8) A couple of times said to me, "I am ruining your life". Basically, he devoted all his energy into making sure I was hooked. Once I was, he retreated. Was I hesitant at first? Definitely. At the same time, I couldn't believe that I finally met someone who was truly interested in me. So I went into the relationship with rose-coloured glasses. But in the end, I was badly hurt. Today, my pride is still bruised. I consider myself a smart, level-headed woman and to allow myself to be led on like that..well, my ego has taken a beating. As the old saying goes "If it's too good to be true, it probably is". I have taken this experience as a huge life lesson. I hope it is for you too.
Author snilljente Posted September 13, 2004 Author Posted September 13, 2004 Ojib, Oh, it has been a HUGE lesson...an incredibly painful experience that has left a mark....One comment you said realloy stuck "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is".....PERFECT....I will remember that....thanks for your input!
netrie Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme he was able to talk a level headed, educated, woman like me into falling for him despite big time hesitation to get so close so fast...he pursued me...he was the one making excuses for his actions. [color=red]Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag[/color] If some guy tries to 'sweep you off your feet', FLEE!!!! Run far and FAST... if ever again you meet a guy who attempts to rush you into a relationship, you turn the other way and get away as fast as you possibly can. GOOD ADVICE! Even for me!
Author snilljente Posted September 17, 2004 Author Posted September 17, 2004 Today his new gf messaged me that he told her that I was never his "girlfriend" and that we were not in a monogamous relationship.....I told her "that's news to me"....he introduced me as his girlfriend.....What a loser...I changed my # so neither one of them can contact me again....Why would he feel the need to back pedal and tell you this kind of bullsh$%...? We were CLEARLY boyfriend and girlfriend and exclusive.....He is acting like I imagined the whole thing?1
netrie Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by snilljente Today his new gf messaged me that he told her that I was never his "girlfriend" and that we were not in a monogamous relationship So weird! the guy is an idiot!!!!!!!!!!
Author snilljente Posted September 17, 2004 Author Posted September 17, 2004 He's absolutely pathological...I have never experienced anything/anyone like in my 35 years....Not to sound like a man basher, but if I do not meet a NICE guy soon...I am going to give up....All of the good ones in my age group (30-40) seem be taken.....This guy topped them all by far!! FREAK!
guest Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 I agree that you are better off without him, much better off. He could have hurt you much more had you continued a relationship with him, so who knows maybe he has some decency and decided to cut it off before he did since you are a nice person. Just block him and his new gf out of your cell phone etc. and out of your life for good and try to forget about him. The fact that he is trying to humiliate you now after nc for so long says a world about what kind of person he really is(very insecure, not very nice and pretty manipulative), not someone you want in your life. Don't encourage the behavior by trying to get an explanation for how he treated you, you will never get one, just be glad he's out of your life. I would always ask for details about any jail time etc. before you get involved and take it slowly, don't let someone push you into a relationship. Jail time would be a red flag for me to start with anyway.
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