spice4life Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I hear what your saying and you know what?...it's probably true. He may have thought your lack of jealousy (a normal emotion if expressed properly) meant you really didn't care enough. For example, I happen to be a very laid back person and I just recently found out from a business associate that it can make a person feel irrelevant (sp?). I didn't realize that, but what they said made a lot of sense. I was told that some people nag too much and some nag too little and that it's okay to nag somewhere in the middle!...lol. I never looked at it that way and plan on discussing it with my therapist on my next appointment. One time I called my boss and expressed anger about a situation (not at him) and he said he was happy to finally see me passionate about something! I was like huh? Really? I'm very passionate about a lot of things, but I guess I wasn't expressing it in a way that it showed. He knows I'm very passionate about my job, but he said I'm always so calm cool and collected that it was actually nice to see me express it for once. Now I'm thinking...geez, if this is how my business partners view me then it is most certainly translating into my personal relationships as well. Eye yi yi...never occurred to me that I was making people feel that way. I certainly don't want people to feel that way because I am very passionate about the people I love and care about! Darnit! I've got more work to do! I don't know if this relates...it just kind of felt like the same thing. 2
Author AnotherRound Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I hear what your saying and you know what?...it's probably true. He may have thought your lack of jealousy (a normal emotion if expressed properly) meant you really didn't care enough. For example, I happen to be a very laid back person and I just recently found out from a business associate that it can make a person feel irrelevant (sp?). I didn't realize that, but what they said made a lot of sense. I was told that some people nag too much and some nag too little and that it's okay to nag somewhere in the middle!...lol. I never looked at it that way and plan on discussing it with my therapist on my next appointment. One time I called my boss and expressed anger about a situation (not at him) and he said he was happy to finally see me passionate about something! I was like huh? Really? I'm very passionate about a lot of things, but I guess I wasn't expressing it in a way that it showed. He knows I'm very passionate about my job, but he said I'm always so calm cool and collected that it was actually nice to see me express it for once. Now I'm thinking...geez, if this is how my business partners view me then it is most certainly translating into my personal relationships as well. Eye yi yi...never occurred to me that I was making people feel that way. I certainly don't want people to feel that way because I am very passionate about the people I love and care about! Darnit! I've got more work to do! I don't know if this relates...it just kind of felt like the same thing. I get that. I just don't know that jealousy is healthy? I mean, in relationships - it just seems like such a waste of time to me to be jealous. And, in private, I have been passionate with bf about these things - I'm not always stoic, lol. I just don't really do the unhealthy emotion stuff - I guess for me, if I was feeling jealous a lot in a relationship, I would think that I needed to work on my self-esteem - or get a different partner. I wouldn't consider it their issue - but my own? I sent bf an email, telling him I miss him and was thinking of him and that I wished it had turned out differently. I have no idea if he will reply, but I didn't want him to think that I was just "forgetting" him, I'm not. I just deal with my emotions very calmly and accept the decisions others make without repurcussion. If I can't deal with their decision, I leave - but I don't beat them up about their choices. It's interesting bc I don't think anyone would describe me as without passion - lol. But I think that bf had a pretty dysfunctional relationship with his ex and that is what he thinks shows investment - in that his ex would plead and beg and cry (after she cheated on him) for him to take her back, and profess her love - and I think he has become accustomed to that type of behavior and equates it with desire or wanting. Vs someone (me) saying, "okay, if you don't want to be with me, I will respect that". 1
spice4life Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Okay, maybe jealousy isn't the right word. What I equate a normal expression of jealousy is when someone flirts with tour SO and it sparks your desire for them in a positive way. Not in a jealous rage type of way. I dunno...I didn't sleep either and now I have to get ready and go to work...lol. 1
cocorico Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I get what Spice is saying. Many people (rightly or wrongly) interpret a lack of jealousy as a lack of investment, because they measure their own investment that way. They feel jealous and threatened, and see that as a sign of their own investment, and the associated fear of loss, so when they come across someone who is more secure and less threatened - who thus needs them less than they need that person - they interpret as a lesser investment. 1
Author AnotherRound Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I get what Spice is saying. Many people (rightly or wrongly) interpret a lack of jealousy as a lack of investment, because they measure their own investment that way. They feel jealous and threatened, and see that as a sign of their own investment, and the associated fear of loss, so when they come across someone who is more secure and less threatened - who thus needs them less than they need that person - they interpret as a lesser investment. I really do think that is what is going on with bf. In talking to others who have known him much longer than I have, it seems to have been a pattern for him to have these dramatic break ups and reconciliations - and I'm just not interested in that - I don't like to participate in that as it drains me emotionally - and then I simply dislike the relationship. If it takes from my life, but doesn't add to my life - I just figure I'm better off single. And in this case, if that is what he needs - a jealous fit or something, then I'm just not going to be the girl for him. I don't "need" him - and maybe that's it. My best friend had a great theory about this, since she knows us both and was stating that when we first started dating, I did "need" him in some ways that wouldn't always be there. My Dad was killed in an automobile accident near Thanksgiving last year (right after) and bf and I had JUST started dating - so, he was a great support for me during that. But that's an extreme thing - and usually, I don't "need" to lean on anyone. So, he maybe got the impression that I was going to "need" him when in reality, I don't. My friend thinks that he is the type of guy that needs a girl to "need" him (as she is quite familiar with his ex of 17 years) and that once he realized that I am very self sufficient - the relationship is just a bonus to me, not a necessity - that he felt like he didn't have anything to offer. I'm still up - I've been ill off and on the past week or two - and having migraines - and I'm exhausted. I wish I knew more where bf is coming from, but again, if he doesn't want to communicate (or can't?) then there really isn't much more I can do - I did try, but to no avail. So, I'm thinking I am going to take the day off - get into the Dr and get some rest. Plenty of fluids and a lot of rest I think - regroup. I'm okay if bf doesn't email me back and honestly, that might be the "issue" in that he sees that I don't "need" him to be in my life. But I did WANT him in my life, and I think that should have been enough. I don't need to be saved - I wish bf didn't have that white knight syndrome and could have just enjoyed a self sufficient woman. Eh, maybe just the wrong fit I guess. PS I'm glad you "get it" Coco (and Spice too!) - I know I'm not the norm, but I also know that I'm not unhealthy emotionally, and that can be pretty foreign to some people who have dealt with a lot of dysfunction in their life like bf.
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