ExMM contacted me today...

[MissBee]

This MM sure has a way of ruining things...even when you guys aren't "together"....his mere presence is a harbinger of calamity

 

To be honest: I don't quite understand what's going on. You've said exMM stops you in the streets to talk and you walk on by. So why take phone calls from him, if you blow him off in person? The way you spoke before, I thought he was the past, but to accept calls and so on sends mixed messages. Which is why I understand your bf's position. I think there are 2 types of insecurity: one that is internal and one caused because a person's actions seem off to you. I don't think your bf sounds like an insecure person, but if my boyfriend has an exMW whom he claims to brush off in the streets and is no longer interested in, but then attempts to have a chat with me about how she called begging to be with him...what exactly should I think? I'd be like...why did you answer her call if you go as far as to avoid her in public? You must realize how contradictory it seems and can probably seem like a red flag to someone.

 

You tell him this and tell him that but a takeaway lesson from this board is, people can say what they want. Maybe to him, your actions seem to say something else. I'm being honest with you, you stopped dating MM in 2011 and recently started dating your bf. Since you joined LS you posted lots of threads about exMM and his crazy OW and all kinds of stuff and have never really seemed detached from him and his life, although yes, you have said several times in this thread alone that you don't think about him. I know lots more about your story with exMM than with your bf. So maybe although you're saying that, it just isn't reading that way to your bf. But ultimately, you don't seem too distraught re: him wanting a break. So maybe it is all for the best and he isn't right for you either.

 

P.S. I do not think it is a double standard re both your exes. Your boyfriend's ex has a legitimate reason to be in his life, because of the child they raised who lives with him. Although, prancing in and out at will is a bit much for my taste; however, it is understandable. What good reason does a person have to talk to their ex affair partner with whom they have no such ties? The two scenarios are very different. I dated men with children whose moms had to be part of their lives...albeit none of these women were prancing around their house but were respectful and also had their own boyfriends too. I couldn't logically be jealous about that. But if my boyfriend had a former MW confronting him in the streets and he says he ignores her and then he goes home and takes calls from her....I'd be like okay what's happening here? I hope you can see how it may be looking to your bf. I don't know him, but it doesn't seem like he is just some insecure guy, but that this situation just blows a whistle in his mind, as it should.

[MissBee]

AnotherRound

- I'm with the posters who don't necessarily think that your bf is either messing around, playing games or trying to break up with you.

 

I can imagine being in his shoes, and detecting contradictions in what you say about your exMM, feeling that he's put his feelings for you out on the line and is not 100% secure about the situation with a very persistent ex- who you admit that you love.

 

In that situation I can imagine myself suggesting the same thing that he has, from the point of view of:

 

Although he really doesn't want you to date the exMM (in fact it's the thing he probably fears the most); he feels like the exMM 'situation' just won't go away until you resolve it, and it's a tremendous risk, but he'd rather you go and try it and realize 'yes, this is it!' or 'no, this feels all wrong' and get the situation cleared away. He maybe just wants to be with you without feeling anxious.

 

Does that make any sense to you?

(To me it does.)

 

 

I agree.

 

I actually think AR should probably just date MM.

 

As it seems he always pops up and still gets the time of day and his presence ruins other relationships...so perhaps dating him will once and for all put an end to his presence being a problem. As unless you employ TOTAL NC...and not, I ignore him sometimes, but sometimes I don't, I love him, but I don't want to be with him, etc...it may be a turn off to most sane men lol.

 

I am not a crazily jealous person, but I think it is very off putting and hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who seems to have unfinished business with an ex. Hence I also have no desire to date a separated man or someone newly divorced. I need someone to choose one way and stick to it! Not pay lips service to being over their ex but every now and again we're having talks about the ex and talks about the ex's talk with them and so on...why? It's weird.

[wisernow]

Thanks for all the responses. Yes, bf is feeling insecure, and I can understand that. I have, however, said and done everything that I can do to reassure him that he had no reason to be insecure - that I wasn't going anywhere, that I think he is amazing, etc. I will say, he has an ex in his life (of 17 years) and they have daily contact with each other and she comes in an out of his house without knocking (her child lives with bf - not his child, but one he helped raise) and I have NEVER questioned his integrity or his honesty regarding them or their relationship. So, for me, this seems very double standard to me - that I'm expected to be okay with that yet he can't be okay with exMM making a few phone calls to me- which I answered in his presence (bc he told me to, so I could tell exMM I wasn't interested) and which I have been 100% honest about with him.

 

I have told bf that I love him, and only want to be with him. And that even if he and I aren't together that I won't be with exMM. Bf has a lot of baggage himself in that he has been cheated on and has some serious trust issues - hence the reason I have been very honest with him - I wouldn't want him to ever think I was hiding anything from him. I expressed to bf that I love him, that I want to be with him, that I have been 100% with him - but at the end of the day, if he doesn't believe me, or can't trust it - there really isn't much I can do.

 

I honestly don't spend a lot of time thinking about exMM - except on here. I have been on here a lot lately bc I've had more free time than normal and was bored and it was a bookmark on my computer that I came across last week - and I got sucked back in, lol. Not bc of anything I do or don't feel about exMM. I also want to clarify - I still have love for my exH from 15 years ago - but I don't want to be with him!

 

I ended it with exMM in April of 2011 - I started dating bf in October of 2012. I thought it was a pretty strong amount of time and wouldn't have begun dating him if I hadn't felt healthy and settled. I honestly think this is more bf's issue than mine - as I can't think of anything else that I could do or say here. I can't make him believe me, I can't make him understand, I can't make him trust. I told him what I wanted, where I stand, how I feel (I want to be with him, not exMM and I love him), that's the most I can do.

 

As far as bf hearing stories of exMM and I - nope. Bf and exMM know each other - but bf is from a neighboring town. Bf has known exMM for years and I think that is where some of the insecurity comes in - as he has shown some insecurity about exMM's looks, career, etc. I have done everything I can to reassure him, and downplay exMM to him, but again, at the end of the day, it's up to bf to decide where he wants to be.

 

Heck, bf may just not want to date anymore and this is an excuse - I have no idea, as bf has decided that he doesn't want to talk about it. So, at this point, since bf is 50 years old, I'm just going to have to assume that he is able to express what he wants and that he doesn't play games and that this is what he really wants - and let him go.

 

Oh, and I won't play games with him - which is kind of what I feel like he wants me to do - like maybe that says to him that he is wanted or that I'm serious? But, no, ew, I won't. Just like I wouldn't date exMM just to "show" him. I'm just going to work and carry one like I always have - and see what the universe has in store for me now. I will miss bf tremendously, he's a great guy in so many ways - but I would never be okay with convincing him to stay if this isn't where he wants to be.

 

 

I get that he has a past relationship with children as most 50 year olds would. Im curious why you bring that up now.

 

Perhaps the difference between his past relationship and your xmm is that he doesn't profess love for his ex (unless you're going to add that to the story now) and you do. I don't know if he's being evasive about the reasons for ending things with you, meaning his real intentions are to get back with his ex, but maybe instead of trying to shift the reason to him, own the truth that he gave you. He's not interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else. He's no longer willing to hear about an exmm who continues to contact his gf. It's probably just that simple.

[wisernow]

I agree.

 

I actually think AR should probably just date MM.

 

As it seems he always pops up and still gets the time of day and his presence ruins other relationships...so perhaps dating him will once and for all put an end to his presence being a problem. As unless you employ TOTAL NC...and not, I ignore him sometimes, but sometimes I don't, I love him, but I don't want to be with him, etc...it may be a turn off to most sane men lol.

 

I am not a crazily jealous person, but I think it is very off putting and hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who seems to have unfinished business with an ex. Hence I also have no desire to date a separated man or someone newly divorced. I need someone to choose one way and stick to it! Not pay lips service to being over their ex but every now and again we're having talks about the ex and talks about the ex's talk with them and so on...why? It's weird.

 

 

Exactly. Who would, what's the point. Perhaps when the relationship began back in October he was willing to listen, try and be understanding, thinking he was helping AR recover. But after 5 months, it's likely gotten old and tiring and he wants off the fun bus.

[MissBee]

I get that he has a past relationship with children as most 50 year olds would. Im curious why you bring that up now.

 

Perhaps the difference between his past relationship and your xmm is that he doesn't profess love for his ex (unless you're going to add that to the story now) and you do. I don't know if he's being evasive about the reasons for ending things with you, meaning his real intentions are to get back with his ex, but maybe instead of trying to shift the reason to him, own the truth that he gave you. He's not interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else. He's no longer willing to hear about an exmm who continues to contact his gf. It's probably just that simple.

 

That's how it reads to me.

 

Honesty is great but it doesn't mean that just because you're honest someone will be okay with what you have shared. Honesty isn't so you can get your own way, but so that this other person knows what's really happening and can decide if they're on board or not.

 

I don't think most men/women want to honestly hear their current partner loves their ex still and is contacting them or being contacted by them, especially if it is an ongoing thing. I would bow out too frankly and tell my boyfriend to figure out his stuff with his ex...but I'm not going to listen to him SAY he wants me but next week he's telling me "Sue's calling, she wants to be with me. But I love you." You think your bf is manipulating you? But on the flip side, you could also come off like you're playing games too. It can also read like you want him to be "on his toes" and jealous so you keep your ex around and tell him about the innocent contact and your ex pining after you, so that he knows he has "competition". You may not be doing this, but people do it, and maybe to him it is reading that way.

 

Would you be willing to share with your boyfriend the threads you've written about exMM?

Edited March 20, 2013 by MissBee

[wisernow]

I admire you bf, AR. I think he is being very adult about the whole thing. He is bowing out, giving you the opportunity to explore your love for exmm. I think you might consider doing just that. exmm is now single, so are you. Go explore that, there is no wife or crazy oow involved, it just might work out.

[MissBee]

I admire you bf, AR. I think he is being very adult about the whole thing. He is bowing out, giving you the opportunity to explore your love for exmm. I think you might consider doing just that. exmm is now single, so are you. Go explore that, there is no wife or crazy oow involved, it just might work out.

 

I agree.

 

I think you'll never put it to rest until you do.

 

Your boyfriend seems like a good guy who wants what's best for you and is also being smart and protecting his heart.

 

Work on your unfinished business with exMM.

[whichwayisup]

Comparing ex's is apples and oranges. He has ties to her because of the child. And, they've been over for a long time, and there are no feelings of either wanting to get back together. Your exMM is lusting and chasing after you with intention to get you back. And, you admit here you still have feelings for him and are glad or relieved that you must have meant something to him now that he's contacted you and asked to get back with him, that it was love and not just fun times. So, your bf doesn't know that part of you inside because you've not told him but he knows it's there, that you love your x more than you're willing to admit.

 

He is courageous to walk away and let go of the woman he loves, he wants you happy, with or without him. He isn't playing games at all. he's being honest. it's that plain and simple.

[AnotherRound]

Okay, some clarifications. In the beginning, I took the calls from exMM bc bf wanted me to - he was right beside me and when we saw who it was, he said, "answer it", so I did, and in front of bf told exMM that I wasn't interested. It trickled down to like one call a month - which I then blocked exMM's number. Recently, I got a new phone plan, and didn't reblock the numbers, hadn't even thought of it - and within the first hour of the new plan, exMM had called. We have had VERY little contact since bf and I started - and I didn't initiate ANY of it.

 

I wasn't talking to bf about exMM - I just didn't want to hide anything from bf bc I know that people in his past have been dishonest with him. So, I didn't want to make something out of nothing by hiding the contact attempts of exMM so that bf might misread that to be me hiding it or participating in the contacting, bc I wasn't.

 

And yes, bf had stated to me once that he will always love his ex of 17 years bc of the children that they raised together (they are her kids biologically, not his) - and when he asked me if I still loved exMM - I explained it to him just like I did here - I will always have love for him (along with anyone else I've ever loved) bc I don't ever completely not love someone after I've loved them. I will always care to some extent and want them to be happy, and will always remember certain things fondly. I also explained to bf then that I love him actively - as in, here and now, and that I wanted to be with him and not exMM.

 

Bf is an insecure person - and apparently, always has been (according to his father who is actually a friend of mine). I don't think that anything I've done has made this so - or exacerbated it as I have been nothing but completely honest and straight forward with him from day one. Including the fact that I am the one that ended it with exMM - and at one point, bf said something about wanting to say something to exMM and I told him that he could do whatever he felt needed to be done and that I would back bf up 100%. I don't know what more I can do than that, honestly.

 

I brought up the children simply bc bf has a LOT of contact with his ex of 17 years, and a lot of really blurry boundaries imo with her. He speaks with her on the phone multiple times a day - and the kids are grown young adults, not toddlers who need a lot of parental care in that way - and I have accepted that despite it being "weird" to me. But, when an ex calls me a few times - something I cannot control at all - bf thinks it's the end of the world, or that I'm in cahoots. Bf actually calls his ex as often as she calls him - and they "hang out" at the bar together - but exMM calls me a few times and that is "over the line"??? Sorry, but that makes NO sense to me at all - considering I told exMM I wasn't interested and never told bf to stop calling his ex or having her call us (to the point that if he didn't answer his phone, she would call other people who would bring their phone to him with her on it - and no, it was not an emergency!).

 

So, I feel like there's really no point to it. If bf is that insecure, it's not going to work - with me OR with anyone else, imo. Especially since he expects whomever he is with to be a-okay with the ex of 17 years pretty much living with him, but the SO can't even have a phone call from one of their exes. ????

 

Bf is a great guy in a lot of ways, but he is, apparently, very insecure and non-trusting and has great difficulty communicating his needs and wants - and seeing how his own behaviors are exactly what he is not willing to accept from someone else. I can't fix that - nor can I be happy with it. This is something that bf is going to have to figure out for himself, and sort - or find someone willing to accept all his enmeshment with his ex but not have any type of contact ever (even if the SO isn't the initiator) with any of their exes.

 

Anyway, I don't think that exMM and "need" to date to figure anything out. I think if we dated, we would be fine and probably would be together until the end, we really are that compatible. I was not dating him for my own reasons. At this point, I will talk to him if he calls, bc there's no reason not to - and I guess if he wants to date, he will ask and I can decide again if that's something I want to do or not. Right now, I say no - but if we were to start talking again, and connecting like we have always been able to - I'm not going to say it wouldn't happen, because we do click (that's why I wasn't talking to him, I was breaking the connection on purpose so that I could move on without exMM).

 

So, that's where I am with it. I won't force people to be with me if they want something else - and bf is a grown man, so he makes his own choices and such. I wish him happiness and peace, and I will miss him, and I am sad bc I thought we were pretty great together - but I am fine without him too, it's not the end of the world - just another transition, and I can handle that just fine.

[Decorative]

For the record- having healthy boundaries isn't a sign of insecurity.

 

It's kinda the exact opposite.

[wisernow]

I can understand being upset and sad, but you come off a bit defensive here. Anyway, good luck, sounds like all the input was a waste of time and you have everything figured out. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, I don't think that exMM and "need" to date to figure anything out. I think if we dated, we would be fine and probably would be together until the end, we really are that compatible

 

And your bf sensed this. He isn't stupid and bringing up his past with his ex, whom he is a good 'friendship' with, no lines crossed, they are buddies but not "in love" or "attracted" to each other. Again, comparing it is apples and oranges. Doesn't matter if those kids aren't his blood children, he loves them as his own, reguardless.

 

Anyway, your bf has trust issues and people in the past were dishonest with him. Your intentions may not be to get back with your ex, but the fact is and has been shown here, you still are 'in love' with him and that means no room in your heart to grow with the boyfriend if you're in love with someone else. He is smart enough to end it now and protect himself.

 

I wish him happiness and peace, and I will miss him, and I am sad bc I thought we were pretty great together - but I am fine without him too, it's not the end of the world - just another transition, and I can handle that just fine.

 

More proof that you're not in love with him.

[AnotherRound]

For the record- having healthy boundaries isn't a sign of insecurity.

 

It's kinda the exact opposite.

 

Yeah, I never said otherwise. Hence, my concerns that he and his ex are enmeshed and do NOT have healthy boundaries - whereas, I have made it very clear (and kept my side of it, the side I control) what my boundaries are with exMM to exMM and in front of bf. My point was, bf wasn't willing to do the same for me, so I find it a little odd that he is upset with me. Upset with exMM? Sure - and he could have handled that however he saw fit - I was fine with whatever he wanted to do about it. Otherwise, I didn't know why we couldn't just ignore exMM and move on together. He was WAY more involved with exMM than I was in thinking about it and such.

 

So yeah, my point exactly. Expecting me to make exMM have good boundaries while bf has NO boundaries with his ex seems - well, pretty hypocritical to me. To blame me for someone else's actions - well, I can't control exMM - just my response to him, which I did.

 

Anyway -this is what is best for bf apparently, and like I said, I wish him well and hope he finds happiness. My guess is that this trust issue he has is going to plague him and make that difficult for him - but I hope for his sake that he can deal with it. In the meantime, I think we both lost a great relationship, but there's only so much I can do from my side of it, and I have no regrets bc I know that I did everything I could do.

[MissBee]

Idk...

 

But you seem to have it figured out so great!

 

Don't expect you to be in a puddle...but you seem so..flippant about the whole thing. I can go back and read all your many many threads on exMM where you seemed quite caught up in his life. Whereas with this new guy it seems you're ready to throw the towel in after what seems like one incident and exMM is yet again an antagonist in the story lol. Your bf is like a supporting character in another exMM drama.

 

Up to some weeks ago you seemed happy with your bf...now you're saying he and his ex are enmeshed and he's insecure, all after an incident surrounding, yep..exMM. I mean...maybe he is insecure and enmeshed...but it's like didn't you know this all along? Why was it acceptable then? I know you say you work in the psychology field...why didn't you run away from a man with unhealthy boundaries and insecurities? You seemed happy with it...until now.

 

Anyway I think what has happened is for the best. I hope never to hear of exMM again lol. But....I think we will.

[Decorative]

Yeah, I never said otherwise. Hence, my concerns that he and his ex are enmeshed and do NOT have healthy boundaries - whereas, I have made it very clear (and kept my side of it, the side I control) what my boundaries are with exMM to exMM and in front of bf. My point was, bf wasn't willing to do the same for me, so I find it a little odd that he is upset with me. Upset with exMM? Sure - and he could have handled that however he saw fit - I was fine with whatever he wanted to do about it. Otherwise, I didn't know why we couldn't just ignore exMM and move on together. He was WAY more involved with exMM than I was in thinking about it and such.

 

So yeah, my point exactly. Expecting me to make exMM have good boundaries while bf has NO boundaries with his ex seems - well, pretty hypocritical to me. To blame me for someone else's actions - well, I can't control exMM - just my response to him, which I did.

 

Anyway -this is what is best for bf apparently, and like I said, I wish him well and hope he finds happiness. My guess is that this trust issue he has is going to plague him and make that difficult for him - but I hope for his sake that he can deal with it. In the meantime, I think we both lost a great relationship, but there's only so much I can do from my side of it, and I have no regrets bc I know that I did everything I could do.

 

I hope you can take a step back and see how much rationaliZing and rewriting you're doing now.

 

This is a different story than what you were saying about him beforehand. It's hard to believe he suddenly has trust issues plaguing him. A guy with continuing trust issues would not seem likely to date a known OW. In my opinion. His actions belie your latest words about him.

 

I think the first step to truly being able to move forward is to accept what is real. It's okay to have hurt feelings, or be affected by being dumped.

 

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. You sounded very enthusiastic and happy about him when you began posting here again.

[whichwayisup]

So yeah, my point exactly. Expecting me to make exMM have good boundaries while bf has NO boundaries with his ex seems - well, pretty hypocritical to me. To blame me for someone else's actions - well, I can't control exMM - just my response to him, which I did.

This wasn't an issue until he brought up exMM and chose to end things with you.

 

Sorry AR, sounds to me this is a tit for tat response.

 

Again, the difference is, he and his ex HAVE moved on and have been apart for years, they co parent together and are friends with no intentions of love, in love, getting back together, they don't have sexual chemistry.

 

He isn't blaming you for exMM's actions, he KNOWS that you're still in love with your exMM and he doesn't trust you and what you two have to last, he thinks and believes eventually you will go back to exMM. A man wants to be loved, fully loved and not have to worry if gf will fall back with her ex. Sure you ignored your ex, to an extent but he is still very much alive in your mind and in your heart. At least admit this to yourself. maybe you and him do need to try a relationship and play it out, see where it goes.

[MissBee]

This wasn't an issue until he brought up exMM and chose to end things with you.

 

Sorry AR, sounds to me this is a tit for tat response.

 

Again, the difference is, he and his ex HAVE moved on and have been apart for years, they co parent together and are friends with no intentions of love, in love, getting back together, they don't have sexual chemistry.

 

He isn't blaming you for exMM's actions, he KNOWS that you're still in love with your exMM and he doesn't trust you and what you two have to last, he thinks and believes eventually you will go back to exMM. A man wants to be loved, fully loved and not have to worry if gf will fall back with her ex. Sure you ignored your ex, to an extent but he is still very much alive in your mind and in your heart. At least admit this to yourself. maybe you and him do need to try a relationship and play it out, see where it goes.

 

I agree.

 

I am really being truthful. So many threads have been made about exMM or in reference to this man so it seems a bit...understated..... to say you don't think about him. I also found it bizarre to say it multiple times in this thread. It felt like protesting too much. I know a lot more about exMM and his foibles and dramas than the single guy...so it has to be because you do talk about him more...and if you do...naturally it is because you think about him and he is alive in your heart.

 

An ex whom you will always have love for is one thing...but I do not think exMM is water under the bridge for you. And if he isn't...then it is what it is, no reason to be ashamed about that. But the amount of threads about him and references to him do not line up with what you're saying which is you don't think about him or want him...and I think everyone else, including your bf, feels some dissonance between what you're saying about this guy but then what you do.

[wisernow]

AR, gently.

 

From all you've written here, it truly sounds like you are the one who is insecure with the 17 year relationship with the bf's ex. And you sound almost needy in wanting all his time and affection, and are now calling him insecure ( and maybe he rightfully is) since he's decided he's had enough. Can you consider that bf really wanted a future with you sans exmm, but he has just had enough of the constant interruption into a relationship he was trying to build with you.

 

Did you ever before this incident, discuss with bf that you felt he spent too much time in communication with his ex? Did you open up with him, show some vunarability? You of all people should know, that men are very simple creatures, are not mind readers, and value open, honest communication. Throwing this up in his face now, probably seems like major game playing to him at this point. Like, WTF, haven't you brought this up before. I can imagine he's quite confused by the way you've turned the tables and place the blame at his feet.

 

I get you're probably just trying to protect yourself at this point, but do you really believe he's this bad person now? Maybe a calm conversation could have smoothed this over, but it seems to me like he never meant that much to you, as you're so quick to throw it all away. And the timing is suspect.

[MissBee]

AR, gently.

 

I get you're probably just trying to protect yourself at this point, but do you really believe he's this bad person now? Maybe a calm conversation could have smoothed this over, but it seems to me like he never meant that much to you, as you're so quick to throw it all away. And the timing is suspect.

 

Yes, I don't know if you're just protecting your feelings, but you didn't seem at all concerned about your relationship with your bf ending. I have seen more passion in regards to the stuff you say re: exMM. I was surprised at how unfazed you seemed by this, because initially you came here glowing, like what, last week? You seemed happy and excited about this guy and I was happy for you... then all of a sudden he is insecure and has no boundaries. Maybe it's true? Maybe you were in a fog that just lifted? lol I don't know.

 

If it's not meant to be...so be it. But I just think it weird and also sad that it had to end on account of exMM...the man who is a phantom whom no one thinks about, but whose mention ends relationships. Don't you think it weird that it didn't end because he was jealous or upset about something else, or that YOU didn't end it with him because of his issues but rather, exMM had to play some role in it? exMM's "ghost" is still a specter in your life it seems.

[AnotherRound]

I don't think that bf is a bad guy at all - he isn't. I'm just saying that I had let certain things go bc he is a good guy and I trusted him, even if the boundaries were a little wonky for my liking. We did have a discussion about his ex after she called multiple people until she found one at the bar he and I were at so that they could bring their phone to bf bc he wasn't answering her calls (on purpose as we were on a date). Despite the fact that I thought that they were far too involved with one another's lives (they hadn't been broken up as long as exMM and I had by almost a year) - as long as he and I had quality time together without several phone calls from her, I let it go.

 

It's not tit for tat - it's me simply saying that bf expected me to be okay with all of their interaction - but then becomes upset with me bc of exMM's actions - which I obviously can't control and had done everything in my power to limit my contact with exMM. Bf wasn't trying to limit his contact with his ex at all and didn't feel that he should have to - but thought that a couple of phone calls from exMM were just too much distraction in our relationship? ExMM has never called bf - although bf's ex has called me - several times - and nobody thinks that is a bit of a double standard? I didn't expect bf to control the actions of his ex - nor should he expect me to control exMM's actions or behaviors.

 

Bf is a great guy - I'm not saying any different. He has issues, just like anyone else does, that's all I was pointing out - that his issues seem to be working against him here. His ex told me that he is insecure and actually took the blame for a lot of that bc she had cheated on him often and with many people. And while I can understand him being insecure and non-trusting - and was overlooking it because it wasn't ruining what we had - now, it seems to be keeping him from seeing our relationship clearly and honestly.

 

He heard me tell exMM that I wasn't interested. He watched me block the numbers. If he doesn't believe my intent, then there isn't anything I can do about that. I expressed to him how I feel about him, I showed him daily how devoted I was to him - and that's all I can do. I can't make exMM disappear - he lives in the same town as me and we are going to run into each other, it's unavoidable (although I do my best to limit that happening as much as possible).

 

I'm not flippant or defensive - there's just a lot of facets to the story that I haven't shared on here bc this isn't a board about boyfriends that are SGs, lol. Nobody is perfect, and bf is not perfect - he's a great guy in a lot of ways - but he obviously has some serious issues with self-confidence and self-esteem, and I have no doubt that I didn't do anything to make that feel worse for him. I am very capable of expressing to others and I did so, frequently, and always remarked when he would do something sweet for me - expressed my appreciation and love for him.

 

I just don't see the end of a relationship as a horrible thing. I will miss him, and it would have been nice if he and I could have been together for much longer, as I really think that we had a good solid foundation for a great relationship - but I am only 50% of that relationship and if he doesn't want it, I can't force the 100% with only 50% influence, ya know? I expressed to him that I will miss him, that I didn't want to break up, that I liked what we had, and if he could think of anything else I could do to make this better for him, I was willing to do it - but he couldn't think of anything and that it was his issue with trust - and that I hadn't done anything to give him the impression that I would be dishonest with him or be unfaithful to him.

 

So, for me - it's about moving on. I can be sad and not let it affect every aspect of my life - my relationship is one part of my life, I have a lot of other things going on. This is not the end of my life, or my world - just one part of my life is changing - and going back to being single isn't scary in the least to me. I can be content single or in a relationship - either way works for me - I'm not dead set on having it be one way or the other. I just take the universe as it comes - and right now, I'm single - which like I said, is just one part of my life - all the other parts are intact, and it's just an adjustment.

 

As for talking about exMM - nah, only when he called or ran into me. And that was only so that I could be completely honest with bf - bc I certainly didn't want it to get back to him and have him think I was hiding things, bc I wasn't. And then, it was just a short convo and bf could have stepped in and said something to exMM if he wanted to or felt the need - like I said, I would have backed him up 100% if he felt the need to do that - I had already said all I wanted to say to exMM, there wasn't any more that I could say or do than what I had already said and done.

[AnotherRound]

Yes, I don't know if you're just protecting your feelings, but you didn't seem at all concerned about your relationship with your bf ending. I have seen more passion in regards to the stuff you say re: exMM. I was surprised at how unfazed you seemed by this, because initially you came here glowing, like what, last week? You seemed happy and excited about this guy and I was happy for you... then all of a sudden he is insecure and has no boundaries. Maybe it's true? Maybe you were in a fog that just lifted? lol I don't know.

 

If it's not meant to be...so be it. But I just think it weird and also sad that it had to end on account of exMM...the man who is a phantom whom no one thinks about, but whose mention ends relationships. Don't you think it weird that it didn't end because he was jealous or upset about something else, or that YOU didn't end it with him because of his issues but rather, exMM had to play some role in it? exMM's "ghost" is still a specter in your life it seems.

 

I agree - it is sad. I don't want exMM in our relationship any more than I wanted his ex in it. She pushed herself into our R, and I just didn't feel like exMM was doing that on the same level as she was. So, I'm disappointed that bf decided to end it bc of that (if that's the real reason, as I do have some trouble believing that bc his presence is so much smaller than bf's ex) - but I really do think it's more about his issues here regarding trust and self esteem and being insecure.

 

I tried like hell to express to bf the things I love about him - bc I sensed that he had this in awe kind of image of exMM (many do simply bc he is a high profile person around here) and I didn't want bf feeling like he was competing, bc he wasn't. I knew exMM on a much more personal level than most people ever get to know him on - and he is just a person like the rest of us. But many people around here have difficulty understanding that bc of exMM being so well known and having such a "cool" persona to his public. I didn't want to tear exMM down to bf, or reveal exMMs secrets about his personal self (his insecurities and such) bc I just don't think that's fair or necessary. But I did tell bf constantly that he was a MUCH better boyfriend, that I felt very loved by him, that I loved him and all the things I loved about him.

 

Bf did say to me once that I was "way too good looking" to be with him and that many of his friends and family had asked "how" he got me... and I knew then that there was some insecurity. But I tried to build him up, let him know how attracted to him that I was, how much I loved him, how appreciative I was of his sweetness and his caring. I don't know where he ended up with that, but he made the comment the other day that he didn't think we could make the long haul bc he honestly believes that I will realize that I'm "too good for" him. ???? I have no understanding of that - I really don't, as I can't even think of anything that I thought of in that way. So, it is definitely an issue bf has with self esteem and worthiness and such.

 

I'm not perfect - obviously, but I gotta say, I was giving this relationship all that I had and then some. I had been more gentle with bf and more expressive with him than I have ever been with anyone else. I honestly made a choice to just be completely in with him and I took the leap, pride be damned. I was very vulnerable with him and it's not an easy place for me to be - but I liked him so much that I knew he was worth it.

 

Like I said - no regrets from me. I couldn't have given any more than I did - and I can't see any way I could have been better to bf. It just didn't work out - for whatever his reasons are. He may change his mind, I don't know - but again, I won't try to convince him to be with me. I told him I want to be with him, I showed him I want to be with him - and I don't know what else I could do. I can't get in his head and make his decisions for him, or magically show him what's in my heart and head (although I've been very honest with him). So, I just have to accept that he decided to end the relationship.

[spice4life]

Wow, such a big change over night. I'm so sorry that you are going through this...even though you are being stoic right now I am sure you must be feeling so hurt on the inside. I don't have any answers for you, but it sounds like you tolerated "affair" like dynamics with your bf. Maybe that's something you should think about. A 10 year affair is a long time so maybe some of the behaviors "in it" became sort of acceptable to you. It sounds like your bf had a bit of a double standard...what applies to you doesn't apply to him kinda thing. I dunno though.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Even though you say you are I know it must still hurt on the inside.

[AnotherRound]

Wow, such a big change over night. I'm so sorry that you are going through this...even though you are being stoic right now I am sure you must be feeling so hurt on the inside. I don't have any answers for you, but it sounds like you tolerated "affair" like dynamics with your bf. Maybe that's something you should think about. A 10 year affair is a long time so maybe some of the behaviors "in it" became sort of acceptable to you. It sounds like your bf had a bit of a double standard...what applies to you doesn't apply to him kinda thing. I dunno though.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Even though you say you are I know it must still hurt on the inside.

 

Oh, I'm hurt - but mostly confused really. I don't expect things from other people that I'm not willing to give myself - and it really feels like bf is holding exMMs actions against ME - which feels pretty unfair. And I tried to talk to bf about not letting exMM into our relationship - I didn't want exMM there either! But apparently, bf couldn't handle that I had been in love before (?) or that exMM still tries to make contact sporadically. I am sad, for sure - bc I really wanted to continue with bf, but I can't make him be in an R with me.

 

What affair like dynamics are you seeing? The ex thing? If so, I just didn't feel threatened by her, I trusted him - so even though it was annoying (the constant contact and trying to push her way into our relationship) it wasn't anything he was doing - he was just allowing it, not actively doing anything that I felt was threatening to me. I wish bf could have given me the same trust that I gave him - especially considering I was doing a whole lot more to keep away from exMM than he was his ex.

 

Thanks for the kind words - it will all work out, it always does. I'm up tonight with insomnia - and have a long work day tomorrow - so, trying to read until I'm sleepy... even just a couple of hours of sleep would be better than nothing, lol. Thanks again...

[spice4life]

Oh, I'm hurt - but mostly confused really. I don't expect things from other people that I'm not willing to give myself - and it really feels like bf is holding exMMs actions against ME - which feels pretty unfair. And I tried to talk to bf about not letting exMM into our relationship - I didn't want exMM there either! But apparently, bf couldn't handle that I had been in love before (?) or that exMM still tries to make contact sporadically. I am sad, for sure - bc I really wanted to continue with bf, but I can't make him be in an R with me.

 

What affair like dynamics are you seeing? The ex thing? If so, I just didn't feel threatened by her, I trusted him - so even though it was annoying (the constant contact and trying to push her way into our relationship) it wasn't anything he was doing - he was just allowing it, not actively doing anything that I felt was threatening to me. I wish bf could have given me the same trust that I gave him - especially considering I was doing a whole lot more to keep away from exMM than he was his ex.

 

Thanks for the kind words - it will all work out, it always does. I'm up tonight with insomnia - and have a long work day tomorrow - so, trying to read until I'm sleepy... even just a couple of hours of sleep would be better than nothing, lol. Thanks again...

 

After reading your story, you had an "open" affair while he was still with his wife and then with bf you had a relationship and he was enmeshed with his ex. In both cases, while you were free to be in both relationships out in the open there was still another woman in the picture. Boundary issues on both sides.

 

But if you say no it wasn't that's fine. It was just an observation...I could be totally wrong.

[AnotherRound]

After reading your story, you had an "open" affair while he was still with his wife and then with bf you had a relationship and he was enmeshed with his ex. In both cases, while you were free to be in both relationships out in the open there was still another woman in the picture. Boundary issues on both sides.

 

But if you say no it wasn't that's fine. It was just an observation...I could be totally wrong.

 

No, I can see that - I guess I never thought of it that way. I just didn't consider bf's ex to be a threat, so I didn't make a big deal out of it - I trusted that he loved me and was being honest with me, never had any reason to doubt it. Also, I am not an insecure person - so, that's just not part of my make-up I guess. In that, I just don't feel threatened - if I feel like someone doesn't want to be with me, I can accept that, it doesn't hurt my feelings really - I don't take it personally I guess (if that makes sense?). It doesn't affect my self-worth I guess - and I have the belief that the universe works the way it is supposed to - so, it will be fine.

 

I can see that most people wouldn't have accepted bf's constant contact with his ex - and honestly, I think bf was a little bothered by the fact that it didn't bother me - like, bc it didn't bother me and I wasn't jealous (I don't really get jealous) that it was some kind of marker for him that I didn't care - which isn't the truth of it. I care, but I also allow others to make their own choices and decisions - and if that is to be with someone else, I respect that.

 

I dunno - maybe if I had been jealous, bf would have felt more secure? But it's just not something I feel, jealousy. I mean, I don't see it as a competition - I just see it as we are all different, some fit, some don't - not that any are better than the others. And, I also know that there are other people out there for me (and him, if he so chooses) so, it doesn't feel like the end of the world - just the end of that particular relationship I guess... I mean, I would like to be with someone forever - but not if they aren't content in the relationship with me, ya know?

 

I know, my view is different than many (maybe even most) but it's taken me a long time to come to this type of acceptance of other people's choices - and to know that it doesn't make me unloveable if they choose to be with someone else, or just not to be with me - it just means that we weren't meshing. If there's anything I've done to create that issue, I am willing to work on it - but in this case, I can honestly say, there isn't anything else I could have done short of move away and erase my past with exMM - which is obvs impossible.

 

Maybe the fact that I just don't feel threatened is threatening to bf? That he is reading that like I don't value him or something? I'm just not a jealous person - I don't feel it, and I don't do the drama thing. It does feel like bf was wanting me to profess and beg - I think bc I didn't react that way he maybe assumed I wasn't invested - but it's sad, bc I was invested - I just don't feel threatened so there was no reason for me to go all "psycho" about it. Even if I had felt threatened, I think I would have simply told him that I didn't like it and why and asked him to handle his part in it - not expected him to control her, as I know he can't.

 

Thanks for responding - I'm still not sleeping - thinking about starting coffee and just starting the day, sleep seems out of reach tonight...