ExMM contacted me today...

[AnotherRound]

This is so strange. I hadn't been thinking of exMM very often until I got bored a bit ago and checked in here. So, in the process of checking in here and talking about these things - exMM has been on my mind more lately. I have him blocked on my phones and such but never told him that's what I was doing - as, I didn't see the need to "forewarn" someone, I just wanted distance.

 

Anyway, today, about 2 hours ago actually, he contacted me from a friend's phone - and left a message (I didn't realize he had called right away). Stated that he had been trying to get hold of me, was wondering why I wasn't even willing to discuss anything with him - and yes, telling me about how he has loved me for the past 10 years, wants an honest shot at being with me.

 

Right now - I'm not doing anything about it, although I do admit, I'm a bit surprised that he is being so persistent, but it does show me that it obviously wasn't a "fleeting" feeling towards me (which I was pretty sure of anyway, never felt like it wasn't real emotions involved between he and I).

 

No advice needed really - I will figure out how to handle it - just thought this was the place to talk about it. Gonna discuss with my current boyfriend tonight - as I don't keep any secrets from him and carry on. It is hard to continue to not be with someone who loves you and who you love. *sigh*

[whichwayisup]

No advice needed really - I will figure out how to handle it - just thought this was the place to talk about it. Gonna discuss with my current boyfriend tonight - as I don't keep any secrets from him and carry on. It is hard to continue to not be with someone who loves you and who you love. *sigh*

Reading this, maybe you need to choose between what you feel for your current boyfriend and your exMM. If you weren't with the current boyfriend, it seems possibly you'd be considering giving MM another chance? Seems you are still deeply in love with exMM and even though I'm sure you do love your current bf, something may be missing..Nothing he's done, it's just what you felt/feel for your exMM is stronger. Though, with that said, it doesn't mean you have to act upon it - The current R is probably healthier for you.

 

Just my rambling thoughts, 2 cents.

[Poppy fields]

I hope you and your boyfriend have an honest and productive discussion. I think it is so great that you want to go directly to him with your feelings.

[AnotherRound]

Reading this, maybe you need to choose between what you feel for your current boyfriend and your exMM. If you weren't with the current boyfriend, it seems possibly you'd be considering giving MM another chance? Seems you are still deeply in love with exMM and even though I'm sure you do love your current bf, something may be missing..Nothing he's done, it's just what you felt/feel for your exMM is stronger. Though, with that said, it doesn't mean you have to act upon it - The current R is probably healthier for you.

 

Just my rambling thoughts, 2 cents.

 

Oh, I'm staying where I am, no doubt. My bf is amazing, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone. And no, even if I wasn't with him I would not be with exMM. I love exMM, but I accept that even though we love each other we don't have to be together. And the only thing stronger about my feelings for exMM over my bf are that exMM and I have 10 years of hx - that's the only thing he has on my current bf - and that's not enough to make him "win"...

 

Thanks for your input... I am very happy with where I am right now (although I would like for my bf to not have to be working weird hours lately so we could hang out and I wouldn't be bored once I'm done with work, lol) and am staying put. I tell my bf any time that exMM attempts to contact me so that he is never blindsided and has all the info - and so that he knows I'm not interested and not hiding anything. I know he gets frustrated with exMM still being in love with me and all, but he also knows where I stand and that I am in love with him and that he has nothing to worry about.

[AnotherRound]

AR, I'm NOT asking this to be insulting so please do not take it this way. It's more of a clinical question:

 

Do you think in the case of your MM, do you think the 'love' feeling is true love or is it stronger because he was never able to truly be with you, as he was married?

 

Do you think some APs are more 'in love' because of that Romeo and Juliet factor?

 

Sorry - your post made me think about this quickly. It's, at least to me, an interesting question. And I'm truly not trying to insult you by insinuating that your xMM's current feelings aren't genuine. Even if my scenario were correct, the feelings would be genuine. They would just die faster one a real relationship formed as the two parties would realize that it wasn't what they thought it would be (which has happened to all of us at some point).

 

If I had to guess - after 10 years of knowing him, I would say that it is a true love. We weren't limited like many people in an affair are - so, I don't see any evidence of a Romeo and Juliet effect with he and I. Also, we both tend to be very realistic - so, we have discussed things at length regarding the possible changes to our relationship if we had to buy toilet paper together (inside joke, lol).

 

The only one who truly knows how exMM feels about me, previously and currently, are exMM - and so far, his report of that hasn't waivered in 10 years. Also, my gut is telling me he is being truthful - as I honestly can't see him sticking around for this long, and through all that he has been through with me and us and his life in general - if it wasn't something beyond simply physical lust. He has plenty of opportunities to have that urge filled with no strings, no commitments and no expectations - but continuously chooses/chose me. I guess, to me, his actions match his words, so no reason for me not to believe him.

 

Now, he could at some point come back and say that his feelings were mistaken - and that it wasn't love (or true love, or whatever people label it) - but to me, it would be hard to fathom after all the contact over the years and all the connection that he doesn't have some kind of love for me. And I obviously know what my feelings for him were - and I've never once thought it was just infatuation or lust - He's a very cool guy in a lot of ways and in a lot of ways that I was very attracted to.

 

I guess we'll never really know since he and I won't be together as far as I can tell right now - so he may carry that to his grave, this possibly mistaken "love" for me. It's hard to say how feelings will change, especially since I am not nurturing that bond with him any longer - but then again, it's been almost two years since I have nurtured it and he continues to feel the same... never really know I guess.

[Washingmachine1980]

Here are the thoughts of the MM that tries to reconnect with his former OW. "I'm horny. I remember when we did this wild and crazy thing or had that really hot sex. Think I'll contact her and see if she's up for it. May have to come up with something sincere to say to reel her back in the sheets".

 

You should send him this email " I am now in a serious relationship with some who meets my needs on my schedule, is not hiding me, using me or is ashamed of me. You are no longer needed or serve any real purpose. Do not ever contact me again." Feel to tell him what a dirt bag he is too. He will never contact you again.. If he does just get meaner with him. He will get the hint and move on to next victim. Good luck!!

[Got it]

Here are the thoughts of the MM that tries to reconnect with his former OW. "I'm horny. I remember when we did this wild and crazy thing or had that really hot sex. Think I'll contact her and see if she's up for it. May have to come up with something sincere to say to reel her back in the sheets".

 

You should send him this email " I am now in a serious relationship with some who meets my needs on my schedule, is not hiding me, using me or is ashamed of me. You are no longer needed or serve any real purpose. Do not ever contact me again." Feel to tell him what a dirt bag he is too. He will never contact you again.. If he does just get meaner with him. He will get the hint and move on to next victim. Good luck!!

 

Why? I am not sure if AR would agree that she felt that he hid her, was ashamed or her or used her. If she has him blocked, if she is not engaging with him this would be one big ball of engagement thrown into the mix.

 

I think with AR's case, because there isn't a wife in the mix, etc. not engaging (if one does not want further communication) is the best idea. Outside of that, a straight message of please don't contact me I am no longer interest would suffice. Taking pot shots just opens the door for rebuttal, I think.

[AnotherRound]

Well - things got complicated. I spoke to my bf about the phone call - and he was frustrated, as he has been that exMM hasn't seemed to take the hint. Bf has seen me and heard me tell exMM I'm not interested in pursuing anything - and even heard exMM say that he was happy for me and that he wished me luck.

 

But - bf is now saying that he thinks the only way to end this is for me to date exMM - free and clear. Um - what? I am unsure what he is playing at - as that is not what I want to do - and I've told him that, but bf is adamant that since exMM and I have not dated since his divorce while he was single, that we need to in order to figure out if we want to be together. I see his reasoning - but I want to be with my bf, not exMM! But, he doesn't believe me fully. I mean, he says he knows that I would never lie to him, but he thinks that I'm not admitting what I feel or want - I disagree, but can't make him see that I do know what I want and am picking what I want.

 

So, bf says "let's take some time". I'm just sort of in shock about it honestly - bc I thought that what bf and I have was very solid, it seemed like it to me. I'm okay - sad, but what can I do if someone doesn't want to be with me? Even if his reasons aren't really valid (in that, he's totally wrong about what I want!) I can't make him see inside my head and my heart and I have been completely honest with him.

 

So, we are on a break - I guess? We haven't been dating that long, and although I do love him - I'm okay - but I'm always okay when something out of my control happens bc I know I can't change it or control it. ExMM is going to hear about this, through the grapevine, no doubt - and I'm sure I will then be flooded with attention from him in an effort to get me to at least try dating him.

 

So, I'm thinking - the world has lost its mind. What is it about people who think that everyone plays games? Some of us really do just say what we are thinking and feeling - truthfully - and it's uber frustrating when someone tells me that I think or feel something different. So now, I'm a little agitated and thinking, well fine then, if that's what he thinks I want, I should just do it for him! But, I don't want to date exMM! And I know deep down, bf is worried bc he knew that exMM and I had a very close connection and strong relationship - and he doesn't want me to date exMM (I know he doesn't...).

 

So, I'm in the twilight zone again because other people are convinced that everyone plays games. Frustrating. But I'm not going to beg bf to be with me, or whatever it is that he is expecting me to do - cause dramatic scenes where I profess my undying love for him? Nope - I'm just going to take him at his word and let him walk away - if that's not what he really wants, well then, he shouldn't have said it I guess.

 

I can't help thinking that this is going to completely backfire on bf - but I also am not willing to beg and/or plead - so... I guess that's what I get for being honest - not being believed. Interesting...

[Got it]

AR - I am sorry. He may be afraid of being hurt and knows the presence that xMM has had in your life.

 

I would give him a little space and then follow back up again. He may need to clear his head and then be willing to discuss any fears or concerns. Ask him what you can do to prove to him you are not interested in xMM and to insure he won't interfere in your life.

[LFH]

You should send him this email " I am now in a serious relationship with some who meets my needs on my schedule, is not hiding me, using me or is ashamed of me. You are no longer needed or serve any real purpose. Do not ever contact me again." Feel to tell him what a dirt bag he is too. He will never contact you again.. If he does just get meaner with him. He will get the hint and move on to next victim. Good luck!!

While that may work for some and be fitting, I'm not sure that would be appropriate in their situation. From what I have gleaned of her situation, he never made her feel any of those things, so sending a note stating that he is making her feel that way is simply playing games. A better option would be to either ignore him or speak honestly and tell him that she doesn't feel this would work.

Gameplaying only complicates things.

 

 

Well - things got complicated. I spoke to my bf about the phone call - and he was frustrated, as he has been that exMM hasn't seemed to take the hint. Bf has seen me and heard me tell exMM I'm not interested in pursuing anything - and even heard exMM say that he was happy for me and that he wished me luck.

 

But - bf is now saying that he thinks the only way to end this is for me to date exMM - free and clear. Um - what? .

 

And there go the games.

Dating him for any reason other than you want to is a bad idea. I think your new boyfriend is being manipulative too, trying to control the situation. He's probably upset, and feeling vulnerable, but I think that if it were me I'd be upset that he felt he knew better than I what should be done.

 

Do you want to see xMM again AR?

[LFH]

I think there's a lot of validity to the above.

If you do have feelings for the boyfriend, did you tell him that or did you get mad and let him walk? Like I said, I'd have felt annoyed and like he was trying to manipulate me, so my first instinct would have been to let him walk away... but... he does have reason to be upset.

 

This guy (xmm) is taking up a lot of your head space. If there's someone else in your head, then there's someone else in your bed so to speak. Why wouldn't he question it, there's been back and forth for years.

 

Do you still want him in your life?

Boyfriend?

xMM?

[cocorico]

Sorry, but BF throwing a hissy fit doesn't win plaudits from me. I get that he's insecure, but honestly - is it your duty to coddle him every time he feels remotely threatened by a friend, an X, a random that walks past? Too much drama, IMO.

 

Which goes for xMM too - yes, I can see that some women might find his clinginess cute, a sign of true love and devotion, but if I tell a guy No I expect him to respect that instead of banging on and on long after the music ended. I'd dump both of them, and find a guy who didn't play mind games or assume that I did if I wanted someone to swap body fluids with.

[Got it]

Sorry, but BF throwing a hissy fit doesn't win plaudits from me. I get that he's insecure, but honestly - is it your duty to coddle him every time he feels remotely threatened by a friend, an X, a random that walks past? Too much drama, IMO.

 

Which goes for xMM too - yes, I can see that some women might find his clinginess cute, a sign of true love and devotion, but if I tell a guy No I expect him to respect that instead of banging on and on long after the music ended. I'd dump both of them, and find a guy who didn't play mind games or assume that I did if I wanted someone to swap body fluids with.

 

I am not sure if I find the boyfriend to be so extreme that it is manipulation or throwing a hissy fit. I think we all get vulnerable in relationships and when we feel threatened/hurt we will curl up as a way to protect ourselves. I think we are more used to/familiar with women having an emotional reaction and/or verbalizing it more. Men tend to struggle a bit more.

 

I don't know, on my scale his unacceptable response is pretty low that I would cut the guy some slack. I don't think he is being unreasonable. JMO

[eleanorrigby]

This could be the bf's way of breaking up. Some men just don't know how to break up properly and move on so they create a drama where there was none to facilitate their exit and not feel like the bad guy.

[wisernow]

Maybe it's the small town gossip mill that you live in. You have painted a picture here that the place you live thrives on talking behind peoples backs. Maybe there are rumors about you going around as well, maybe your bf has heard about your 10 year relationship with exmm not only from you, but from others in town. Perhaps he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with so much potential baggage, the likelihood of you going back to exmm, and maybe he doesn't trust you.

 

I don't know many (if any) men who would want to be in a relationship where the person they were dating was still professing love for an ex and talking about, questioning an ex's motives. Men with good self esteem aren't built that way. They want to know that you are all in, and not pining over a past relationship.

 

I think you got dumped.

[whichwayisup]

But - bf is now saying that he thinks the only way to end this is for me to date exMM - free and clear. Um - what? I am unsure what he is playing at - as that is not what I want to do - and I've told him that, but bf is adamant that since exMM and I have not dated since his divorce while he was single, that we need to in order to figure out if we want to be together. I see his reasoning - but I want to be with my bf, not exMM! But, he doesn't believe me fully. I mean, he says he knows that I would never lie to him, but he thinks that I'm not admitting what I feel or want - I disagree, but can't make him see that I do know what I want and am picking what I want.

 

Your boyfriend knows that you are still in love with exMM, and he doesn't want to feel second best and feel like he has to compete with exMM on some level. He probably has thought this for a while and the fact exMM is still chasing you, he IS worried that you will change your mind and break up with him and go be with exMM. Respect him for not wanting to feel second best. HE wants your full attention and wants your heart to be just his - But he knows you still have something with exMM so he is going to do what is best for him so he won't get hurt. This is what this is about, him not wanting to be hurt by you.

 

Also, how much time has gone by since you and exMM broke up since you started dating current boyfriend?

 

Fact too is, ExMM is on your mind a lot on some level since you talk about him on here and are participating in many threads, affair related etc.. Just something to think about..

[MissBee]

This is so strange. I hadn't been thinking of exMM very often until I got bored a bit ago and checked in here. So, in the process of checking in here and talking about these things - exMM has been on my mind more lately. I have him blocked on my phones and such but never told him that's what I was doing - as, I didn't see the need to "forewarn" someone, I just wanted distance.

 

Anyway, today, about 2 hours ago actually, he contacted me from a friend's phone - and left a message (I didn't realize he had called right away). Stated that he had been trying to get hold of me, was wondering why I wasn't even willing to discuss anything with him - and yes, telling me about how he has loved me for the past 10 years, wants an honest shot at being with me.

 

Right now - I'm not doing anything about it, although I do admit, I'm a bit surprised that he is being so persistent, but it does show me that it obviously wasn't a "fleeting" feeling towards me (which I was pretty sure of anyway, never felt like it wasn't real emotions involved between he and I).

 

No advice needed really - I will figure out how to handle it - just thought this was the place to talk about it. Gonna discuss with my current boyfriend tonight - as I don't keep any secrets from him and carry on. It is hard to continue to not be with someone who loves you and who you love. *sigh*

 

 

Although you said you don't want advice, you can't just post a thread as a personal journal .

 

So I'll offer my 2 cents. Which isn't advice really , just my thoughts.

 

First thing comes to mind is: if you have a boyfriend, are you actually happy with him and want to progress with him, or was he a temporary landing place until exMM came around? I have been in rebound scenarios myself and it can be confusing. But a test I usually give myself about my current relationship is: do I choose them ABOVE all others? Even if an ex pops up, will I not be swayed? If I can say yes...then I have something real and worth it in my mind. But if an ex comes peeping around and I legitimately start considering it, then it gives me pause to say, what am I doing with this R?

 

Are you and your boyfriend serious or casual? I have always been confused by people's use of the term boyfriend, as people use it differently. Some people call a person they have been seeing for a week, or even casually their boyfriend. For me, you are "someone I'm seeing" lol, until I decide we are exclusive and monogamous, then you become "my boyfriend." I have learned to ask because I realized, on LS too in the dating section, that boyfriend designates different things ranging from super committed to we see each other and other people.

 

As for exMM....welll....all you've said about him, seems he has issues he needs to work on. So simply begging you back, I don't know about that. Do you feel he is someone healthy enough to give a chance, comparing him to your boyfriend now, how does he size up? I will always love my exAP, but I don't think we should be in a relationship. He too ended his relationship and last year actually we started an attempt to rekindle, but into it, I realized, I love him and he loves me, but I just don't think this is going to work, even without the A. It was a little sad initially, but now I'm at peace. Love is abundant and no one is your last chance. You can love and be loved but find that for a real relationship, maybe the object of your affection just isn't it. So I'd think on that personally. You seemed to have moved on from him, and I would hate for you to be going backwards into a whole pot of feelings that still won't materialize, if you're currently with someone you've said is great and who is giving you what you need. My vote is for your current SG .

[whichwayisup]

But, I don't want to date exMM! And I know deep down, bf is worried bc he knew that exMM and I had a very close connection and strong relationship - and he doesn't want me to date exMM (I know he doesn't...).

Maybe your bf is insecure but he has a right to feel worried because of what you and your exMM shared. he is threatened by it and with exMM still chasing you, he doesn't have faith or trust in what you two share now.

[loredo21]

I just want to say I am sorry that he contacted you and that you have to be put through this wringer of emotions. It is no fun. And I feel ya. Just take your time and do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Hugs!

[Cali408]

Here's my take. If I was your boyfriend, I'd walk too. I know you feel as if you are being honest by telling him, but in a way, you are rubbing it in his face. And that is the way he is taking it.

 

Go date your ex. You say you're in love with still. Stop lying to yourself.

 

Two things are going to happen. You'll live happily ever after or you will get him out of your system.

 

Best of luck.

[AnotherRound]

Thanks for all the responses. Yes, bf is feeling insecure, and I can understand that. I have, however, said and done everything that I can do to reassure him that he had no reason to be insecure - that I wasn't going anywhere, that I think he is amazing, etc. I will say, he has an ex in his life (of 17 years) and they have daily contact with each other and she comes in an out of his house without knocking (her child lives with bf - not his child, but one he helped raise) and I have NEVER questioned his integrity or his honesty regarding them or their relationship. So, for me, this seems very double standard to me - that I'm expected to be okay with that yet he can't be okay with exMM making a few phone calls to me- which I answered in his presence (bc he told me to, so I could tell exMM I wasn't interested) and which I have been 100% honest about with him.

 

I have told bf that I love him, and only want to be with him. And that even if he and I aren't together that I won't be with exMM. Bf has a lot of baggage himself in that he has been cheated on and has some serious trust issues - hence the reason I have been very honest with him - I wouldn't want him to ever think I was hiding anything from him. I expressed to bf that I love him, that I want to be with him, that I have been 100% with him - but at the end of the day, if he doesn't believe me, or can't trust it - there really isn't much I can do.

 

I honestly don't spend a lot of time thinking about exMM - except on here. I have been on here a lot lately bc I've had more free time than normal and was bored and it was a bookmark on my computer that I came across last week - and I got sucked back in, lol. Not bc of anything I do or don't feel about exMM. I also want to clarify - I still have love for my exH from 15 years ago - but I don't want to be with him!

 

I ended it with exMM in April of 2011 - I started dating bf in October of 2012. I thought it was a pretty strong amount of time and wouldn't have begun dating him if I hadn't felt healthy and settled. I honestly think this is more bf's issue than mine - as I can't think of anything else that I could do or say here. I can't make him believe me, I can't make him understand, I can't make him trust. I told him what I wanted, where I stand, how I feel (I want to be with him, not exMM and I love him), that's the most I can do.

 

As far as bf hearing stories of exMM and I - nope. Bf and exMM know each other - but bf is from a neighboring town. Bf has known exMM for years and I think that is where some of the insecurity comes in - as he has shown some insecurity about exMM's looks, career, etc. I have done everything I can to reassure him, and downplay exMM to him, but again, at the end of the day, it's up to bf to decide where he wants to be.

 

Heck, bf may just not want to date anymore and this is an excuse - I have no idea, as bf has decided that he doesn't want to talk about it. So, at this point, since bf is 50 years old, I'm just going to have to assume that he is able to express what he wants and that he doesn't play games and that this is what he really wants - and let him go.

 

Oh, and I won't play games with him - which is kind of what I feel like he wants me to do - like maybe that says to him that he is wanted or that I'm serious? But, no, ew, I won't. Just like I wouldn't date exMM just to "show" him. I'm just going to work and carry one like I always have - and see what the universe has in store for me now. I will miss bf tremendously, he's a great guy in so many ways - but I would never be okay with convincing him to stay if this isn't where he wants to be.

[AnotherRound]

Sorry, but BF throwing a hissy fit doesn't win plaudits from me. I get that he's insecure, but honestly - is it your duty to coddle him every time he feels remotely threatened by a friend, an X, a random that walks past? Too much drama, IMO.

 

Which goes for xMM too - yes, I can see that some women might find his clinginess cute, a sign of true love and devotion, but if I tell a guy No I expect him to respect that instead of banging on and on long after the music ended. I'd dump both of them, and find a guy who didn't play mind games or assume that I did if I wanted someone to swap body fluids with.

 

This... lol. This is what it feels like bf is doing - I'm feeling like he is attempting to manipulate me into some kind of drama (something he and his ex had a LOT of), and I don't like that at all. I don't feel like exMM is pushing the boundaries - I feel like he is trying to be friends with me and is thinking that it is possible (even though I don't really think it is). Tbh, I feel much more manipulated by current bf than I ever did with exMM - exMM at least never tried to manipulate me - just put all the cards on the table and all the adults around the table play their hands, ya know?

 

I also think that bf is wanting to try with his ex of 17 years again, as she recently became single again herself. He is VERY attached to her children and the children (grown, early 20s) have always wanted them back together - I think he isn't being super honest with me about that situation - which I have let slide a lot only bc I think he is a great guy and has been as honest with me as he was being with himself.

 

I guess for me, the second I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me - I am out. I just don't see the purpose of it - and I don't play - it's silly to me, and a waste of time. If someone can't take me on my word and my actions - but needs me to beg and plead and cry and profess my love (I really think this is what bf is looking for here???) - well, that's a problem - bc I just don't do those things.

 

Like I said - if someone doesn't want to be with me, of their own accord without me convincing them or influencing them with manipulation and scare tactics (crying, begging, etc.) - well, I WANT them to move on then - bc I would never be happy knowing that they only stayed bc I convinced them or cried or whatever (and yes, I would always wonder about that).

[AnotherRound]

You know what? Maybe it would have helped if you had told bf that you loved him and didn't want him to go. Maybe he's feeling insecure. I mean, there is some long lost love still calling you, and here you posted about loving him too - you were clear you didn't want him, but you loved him. So maybe bf needs a little reassurance. Maybe he just needs to hear that yes, you do love him and that you don't want him to go. Why is that such a bad thing for you to do?

 

Did you tell him that whether he leaves or not you won't be going back to xMM? That might reassure him too. Just some thoughts.

 

I get this, I really do - but I did these things. I reassured, I did - told him how wonderful I think he is, how much I love being with him.

 

But, he has to decide for himself where he wants to be - I can't spend every day trying to convince him, and if I have to, I just feel like it's not a healthy place for him to be - or me.

[AnotherRound]

I won't sugarcoat my answer. I think your boyfriend is sick and tired of the constant dysfunction that you and your exMM seem to be creating on a regular basis. This guy is TRYING to make your relationship succeed and it sounds as though he's sick and tired of the bullsh*t. You yourself ADMITTED in your first post that you're still in love with this married guy.

 

Someone in another thread stated that this exMM lied to you about his marital status when you first met him in order to get you to start seeing him. Is that true? If so, he's a piece of sh*t who deserves ZERO respect and ZERO consideration. I'll never, ever, EVER get why women will stick with a guy who blatantly LIED to them from Day #1.

 

You continually allowed this lying, cheating, now-divorced guy to erode what could have been a very good relationship with a DECENT man. What a shame.

 

Maybe - but honestly, I cannot control exMM. It has been a couple of phone calls - and stopping me in public a couple of times. I don't feel like it's anything "over the edge" really, we are bound to run into each other here and there, small town and all. Also, bf has TONS of contact with his ex of 17 years - she has dinner with him many nights, bc he cooks and she doesn't - and they are extremely enmeshed. I have never been upset about it - nor have I ever used it to try to manipulate him.

 

So, there has been no dysfunction with me and exMM - just a few exchanges here and there - certainly not anywhere near what bf has with his ex. The fact that he has expected me to accept his situation with grace (and trust me, there's a LOT to it that most women would NOT deal with). But, he can't deal with a couple of phone calls?

 

I honestly think that there is more to this than bf is letting on - but we'll see. I've said and done everything I'm willing to say and do - and if it's not enough, then it just isn't.

 

Anyway, just got a call from a friend and have an emergency to handle - will have to discuss later... thanks for all the feedback!

[MYCluciferase]

AnotherRound

- I'm with the posters who don't necessarily think that your bf is either messing around, playing games or trying to break up with you.

 

I can imagine being in his shoes, and detecting contradictions in what you say about your exMM, feeling that he's put his feelings for you out on the line and is not 100% secure about the situation with a very persistent ex- who you admit that you love.

 

In that situation I can imagine myself suggesting the same thing that he has, from the point of view of:

 

Although he really doesn't want you to date the exMM (in fact it's the thing he probably fears the most); he feels like the exMM 'situation' just won't go away until you resolve it, and it's a tremendous risk, but he'd rather you go and try it and realize 'yes, this is it!' or 'no, this feels all wrong' and get the situation cleared away. He maybe just wants to be with you without feeling anxious.

 

Does that make any sense to you?

(To me it does.)