TYTY Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Feel kinda silly asking this but here it goes. I'm 36 shes 32 and we've been dating about 2.5 months. Things have been progressing nicely. Taking things slowly and really getting to know each other. Sex everytime we hang out, I've met her friends and we've really connected (me and her). She's always been upfront in regards to her ex. They were together about 8 months and he dumped her (for the 2nd time) about 4 months ago. Shes admitted that she still has feelings for him. Hes constantly contacting her and she told me 2 days ago, while we were on a date, that that they metup last week. I was pretty stoned face, didn't freak out or anything. Was really more bummed than anything. Had another beer and told her I wanted to go home. As we were hugging goodbye I told her that this really hurt me as I was starting to fall for her. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends yesterday and I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't. I'm planning on talking to her tonight and I'm not really sure how to handle the situation. I'm not going to give her an ultimatum, but should I demand that she chooses between him and I? Obviously if she is going to have contact with him then I'll start to see other people. I'm falling in love with this person and it really sucks! Should I break it off? Should I try to win her over? She obviously likes me and I appreciate her honesty but I figured I'd get some opinions from a neutral party. HELP!!!
SadSouls Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I don't see any need for people in a relationship to contact their ex in the first place, they are their "ex" for a reason. But the fact that she's admitted she still has feelings for him makes it all the worse. I'd recommend giving her an ultimatum, him or you. No point in letting her talk to him and ending up getting burnt when she leaves you for him. To be honest, I wouldn't mess with a girl who has feelings for her ex in the first place anyway. Good luck. 1
january2011 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 She's only had a 1.5 month break between the end of her last relationship and beginning her relationship with you. I can understand if she said that she's still hurting but she wants to move on with her life. But she's admitted that she's still got feelings for him and while she's keeping you in the loop about their contact, I feel that this is more a cover-your-*ss tactic from her so that she doesn't look accountable if it doesn't work out between the two of you. You've told her how you feel. You can reiterate that tonight. And also say that you are going to have to pull away. She needs to sort out her feelings about who she wants to move forward with. It's not quite an ultimatum*, but you are excusing yourself from a situation that could potentially lead to a lot of hurt for you. She knows how to contact you if she needs to get in touch and reconnect, but to be honest, I'd take it as a break up and grieve if you need to. If you do reconnect, start afresh and on the basis that you are both free to share your heart with each other. Then go no contact. You don't want to be grieving while she's trying to use you as a shoulder to cry on because her ex won't take her back. *You've only been together 2.5 months, I don't really think you're going to get anywhere by making demands and making her choose between the two of you.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Feel kinda silly asking this but here it goes. I'm 36 shes 32 and we've been dating about 2.5 months. Things have been progressing nicely. Taking things slowly and really getting to know each other. Sex everytime we hang out, I've met her friends and we've really connected (me and her). She's always been upfront in regards to her ex. They were together about 8 months and he dumped her (for the 2nd time) about 4 months ago. Shes admitted that she still has feelings for him. Hes constantly contacting her and she told me 2 days ago, while we were on a date, that that they metup last week. I was pretty stoned face, didn't freak out or anything. Was really more bummed than anything. Had another beer and told her I wanted to go home. As we were hugging goodbye I told her that this really hurt me as I was starting to fall for her. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends yesterday and I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't. I'm planning on talking to her tonight and I'm not really sure how to handle the situation. I'm not going to give her an ultimatum, but should I demand that she chooses between him and I? Obviously if she is going to have contact with him then I'll start to see other people. I'm falling in love with this person and it really sucks! Should I break it off? Should I try to win her over? She obviously likes me and I appreciate her honesty but I figured I'd get some opinions from a neutral party. HELP!!! Wow she got dumped by her ex twice, and she still has feelings for him? If my ex did that to me a second time, and she came back for a third I would tell her to get lost. Even if she chooses you that doesn't mean that her feelings for him will go away right away. In addition, her ex keeps contacting her. That's not helping the situation. What boggles my mind is this guy dumped her twice, and she still cares about this douche bag. She needs to get it through her head that this guy has issues and he's no good for her. If it were me I would move on before you fall in love with her and get hurt. She has issues. Plus, she hung out with her ex without you knowing, and he wants her back.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 She's confessed to still carrying a torch for him, it was a fairly recent break-up, and they've met extremely recently. That doesn't bode well. I'd pull myself out of the situation, as there are too many unresolved feelings to make this relationship work (at least for the time being) 2
Addison312 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Back away. Then see what happens. Do you know why they broke up?
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) I don't believe in ultimatums. They don't work in the long-run, simply delay things sometimes, and in your case, since you have so little history together, there's nothing to really hold her. In your shoes, I would mention that you were surprised that she met with her ex without speaking with you about it first. Given that she still has feelings for him and met with him, from your vantage point, she appears confused about what she really wants. You are going to give her space to figure that out without the pressure of dating you. That you are stepping away. Highly doubtful that her relationship with this ex is over. Certainly, if he wanted to get back together, she gives the impression that she would jump at the opportunity. You are probably going to be just one of a number of casualties in their personal saga of ups and downs. Edited March 18, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Author TYTY Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Thanks guys. I feel silly as a 36 y.o. man asking for advice. I've been in 3 relationships that lasted over 4 years so I don't fall in love with someone overnight. Kinda weird being in this position. I feel like a friggin high schooler. I'm really on the fence between 1.continuing to see her, and keep it in my mind that it'll just be friends with benefits; and 2.giving her space and letting her figure it out. I've never had to compete with another man like this! I've never dated someone that wasn't 110% committed to me. I'm usually the one wanting more space. I feel like if I quit trying then that'll be the end. But maybe that's whats meant to happen? She said the reason they broke up was that she wants to settle down and have kids and he didn't. Great advice nonetheless! Thanks everyone!!
todreaminblue Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Feel kinda silly asking this but here it goes. I'm 36 shes 32 and we've been dating about 2.5 months. Things have been progressing nicely. Taking things slowly and really getting to know each other. Sex everytime we hang out, I've met her friends and we've really connected (me and her). She's always been upfront in regards to her ex. They were together about 8 months and he dumped her (for the 2nd time) about 4 months ago. Shes admitted that she still has feelings for him. Hes constantly contacting her and she told me 2 days ago, while we were on a date, that that they metup last week. I was pretty stoned face, didn't freak out or anything. Was really more bummed than anything. Had another beer and told her I wanted to go home. As we were hugging goodbye I told her that this really hurt me as I was starting to fall for her. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends yesterday and I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't. I'm planning on talking to her tonight and I'm not really sure how to handle the situation. I'm not going to give her an ultimatum, but should I demand that she chooses between him and I? Obviously if she is going to have contact with him then I'll start to see other people. I'm falling in love with this person and it really sucks! Should I break it off? Should I try to win her over? She obviously likes me and I appreciate her honesty but I figured I'd get some opinions from a neutral party. HELP!!! Shes admitted that she still has feelings for him....end quote did she expand on this.......if it makes you uncomfortable then a choice has to be made....its necessary for her to choose...deb
kaylan Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Deal breaker. If a girl starts talking to an ex while seeing me, I walk.
Recommended Posts