AussieGirl277 Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Hi everyone, I am new to this, this is my first time here. I need some advice.........I am currently in a relationship (and living) with a guy who has a child from a previous relationship, I'm 26 and he is 25, his child is 4. The child does not live with us. The ex has been nasty and won't let him see the child, so he has gone to a solicitor and gained access rights. The thing I guess I am worried about is when the child visits him, I mean I'm not use to having children around and I don't have any. I mean, I don't know what to expect. I have never met the child. He is all excited about the child coming but I'm feeling confused about the whole thing. I currently work full time, he isn't working at the moment and it may be a strain financially as well. He wants to have children with me, but I am a bit hesitant at the moment. His ex is another story. A few months ago, she would call him and say how much she and the child missed him, then she would get angry with him and hang up, then she would ring back and say he's not not allowed to see the child. I advised him to change his mobile no and to give her the home number, he changed his mobile number but has given it to her again and she said that she wouldn't call him at home. I guess, I'm just of the whole ex thing. I am happy for my partner that he has gained access rights, but at the same time confused. Is there anyone else who has experienced a situation similar to this? I would be pleased to know how you coped? Now that he has access to get his child for a month, they live over 2000km from us, but if he goes to pick him up, I don't think I could trust him to go. Before he gained access, he said that he would go and pick him up and stay somewhere, but then I think, well if I was going to the town where my ex was and he wanted to rekindle things, thenI probably would. I guess I'm just freakin' because I know that he is going to pick his child up and I don't know how to deal with everything, I mean, the ex, the child it's all too much. Someone any advice would be useful.
uriel Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 I know it's difficult, but focus on the needs of this child. Imagine you are four years old, your father has left you, and you don't understand why you can't see this person to whom you have a simple, intense, and loving bond. He's half of your world, and you aren't whole without him. Your ex has that same sort of bond for his child, too. If you love him, you'll do everything you can to make sure it remains intact. Yes, his ex wants him back. But he wants to be with you. In the end, it's not proximity that's keeping him with you, is it? If that's all, then you don't have much. Y ou need to trust that he's with you because he WANTS to be. Let him go get his child. That's the safest and best say for him to reconnect and make sure the child gets to your home safely. As for interacting with a four-year old, they are pure joy. They are so full of life and play and love. He won't care that you're the other woman. That's how his mother feels. He's too young to understand anything but kindness -- or the want of it. -- uriel
Kizzyfur Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Now that he has access to get his child for a month, they live over 2000km from us, but if he goes to pick him up, I don't think I could trust him to go. Before he gained access, he said that he would go and pick him up and stay somewhere, but then I think, well if I was going to the town where my ex was and he wanted to rekindle things, thenI probably would. I guess I'm just freakin' because I know that he is going to pick his child up and I don't know how to deal with everything, I mean, the ex, the child it's all too much. Maybe you should reconsider your relationship with your current boyfriend. Doesn't look like you love your current BF enough to not rekindle with an EX. As far as his child getting involved in your life, let the child have time with his father. Don't try to get between them in any way EVER. Spend time with them together. Spend time getting to know the child. Let the child bond to you. Don't try to force yourself onto him but don't be affraid to let him bond to you. Also, don't try to compete with his mother to be the better "mom". Before he comes, discuss things such as rules and who will administer praise and/or discipline and what is to be done under certain circumstances. Good luck. But I still think you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend if you feel that you would rekindle an old flame while you're with him.
ziggue Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 I have been in a situation like this. I was 23 and this guy was 21. This guy that I went out with. The Ex (she was 26) still wanted him back. They had a baby daughter and everything. Before he met me. They were together for 4 years. They were living together when I first started dating the guy. Then she ended up moving out in the middle of the night. Taking the baby. The guy was stressing about this but ended up finding her at her mum's. She ended up coming over and visiting. Every now and then. Which I hated. Still I couldn't say anything about it because they had a baby together. He said she made advances to him too but always rejected them. All this time he was saying to me how much I made him happy and that he had strong feelings for me. Make sure the Ex girlfriend doesn't get your mobile number from your boyfriends phone. Got threats and everything from her. Physco. Even smashed some of my stuff I left at his place another time she came over. It all got to hard for him so he ends up dumping me and going back to her. It took me a while to get over it but eventually got there. Do you really want a guy with kids? The Ex is always going to be in his life. It will be hard for you knowing that she wants him back. It is much easier dating a guy without kids. Trust me. Less bagage to deal with. Sorry too all the guys who are single father's reading this. Dated a couple of guys with kids. Just relised it wasn't the right situation for me to get involved with anymore. Coming from somebody who doesn't have kids of their own. Still do whatever is right for you.
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