toc200 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I met a 19 year old girl when I was 21. The beginning was rocky as this was my first serious relationship. The first time I let a girl really into my life. At first things were rocky because even before we slept together, just getting to know one another, she was hanging out with another dude like she was me. Anyways I tried to tell her I dont want to pursue this. She wrote me an email begging me to continue and that she doesnt like this guy. Well anyways I got over my ridiculous possessiveness. I see it for what it was now.. And we go on for another 2.5 years. We had our bumps. She really likes to get her way and will freak out if she doesn't, especially if shes drunk. We had many "its over"s that last only the night, only ending up in one anothers arms. We travelled and made plans. Moved in together very soon. But in the back of my mind, even on our good days I knew this wasnt the girl I was too spend the rest of my life with. We recently moved to a new small town. And life was about as good as it ever was. I mean really good. Still the fights now and then but what I think is normal couple BS. Well the day after Valentines day she wanted to have a big night with me but I was so tired. She didnt respond well as she was drunk and I said I am over you and this couple. The next day I held my guns and she held hers. We didnt talk for like a day. Then one night after we still held our guns that this was over (it did feel over sorta this time) she went out, got drunk, and hooked up with a co-employee. She told me two days later. Said it was a mistake and only happened once. I secretly read her texts with her girlfriend and the whole story corroberated. I was angry but destroyed. Confused. Everything that you could imagine. We tried to tell ourselves we could make it work. The little guy in me who had his first love knew there had to be a way. We spent 1.5 days together with this weird distance. It didn't feel right. I backed off and said I need more time to think this out. I went to go spend the night at a friend's house when she said she was ready to talk. I go home and she said that this just isn't going to work. People who love one another don't fight the way we do or go out and do that. The logical me agreed whole heartedly and I threw some of our stuff out. The little me is still fighting daily. Its been a month or so with like extremely limited contact. I live in a small town and our routines do cross at times. Usually just bumping into one another outside of a store. She saw me at a bar a few weeks in and she said hi and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Told her I need more space than that but wanted this to be as amicable as possible. I dont need to have fights in public with the ex lol. Anyways I saw a counsellor a couple times through all this to talk about my fear of rejection and being alone. She gave me a couple exercises. They seem to help. Im also scared of sort of hooking up, relating to the rejection issue. But I think in my conscious mind I may have these plagues but in my dreams and in one drunk make out session with a girl at the bar the other day, all these went away. i just wanted more. I know I made the right decision by agreeing to the break up. The little guy needs to be distracted. Everyone says focus on yourself but its weird to having a constant companion and then be alone. Do I sound like a guy ready to move on with girls? How do I know when I will have my **** together enough to do this?
Techie Artist Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 We had our bumps. She really likes to get her way and will freak out if she doesn't, especially if shes drunk. She didnt respond well as she was drunk and I said I am over you and this couple. Then one night after we still held our guns that this was over (it did feel over sorta this time) she went out, got drunk, and hooked up with a co-employee. She saw me at a bar a few weeks in and she said hi and gave me a kiss on the cheek. But I think in my conscious mind I may have these plagues but in my dreams and in one drunk make out session with a girl at the bar the other day, all these went away. i just wanted more. Lay off the booze. Your judgment is impaired when drunk, drunk, drunk. Your communication is rude when drunk. You're depending on a substance to justify reckless living. Nothing good comes from a drunk.
Author toc200 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I know. Im not out using booze to get over her. It was simply a night out with the boys and I met a girl. But like I said I was sort of bummed that after we kissed she had to go. But this along with my dreams where I feel no anxiety in the moment of being with a girl, are they signs that when I do have a conscious, non-drunk encounter with a girl, that my anxiety won't be there? I think that's one of my main problems coming out of this relationship. Also probably one of the reasons the relationship went on for so long. My fear of rejection. Perhaps I really am over it and don't even know it in my own head until I have had to face it; in my dreams and stupid drunk make out session... If I truly am already over this fear, I feel I have crossed a major hurdle.
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