evilarchitect Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) Hi all. I've lurked on here for a little while and now seems as good a time as any to make my first post. I've been seeing a great (if sometimes insecure) guy for a year and change. We broke up a week and a half ago - my choice - and did NC. We'd been fighting pretty regularly for the past few months, and I was having a really hard time dealing with the fact I never feel heard in arguments. Felt like I had no voice. I've felt steamrolled and have either shut down or blown up in a rage where I say things that are inappropriate (which he does constantly in arguments too). Most recently, after we went out for a few drinks one night he started fixating on the idea that I cared more about protecting my coworker's name instead of loving him. He took it to a very insulting place, and feeling helpless and overwhelmed, I made things physical (pushing him around, hitting him, even bit him through his clothes). Before I got into this relationship I was a very calm person. I broke up with him because I didn't feel I had the freedom to be who I wanted to be, or that I could be heard. I felt I had no choice in the matter. I started seeing a therapist immediately after I made things physical. My world felt like it was coming apart. Still does. I started acknowledging the possibility that maybe I am an angry person, and that I've been shutting down my true feelings on things all my life. Started reading books/posts about attachment theory, realizing that I'm the sort of person that runs away when the situation gets heated...never willing to sit with conflict. 'Emotionally unavailable.' I just want to do my thing. I want love so badly, but I don't want anyone to put pressure on me, ever. 'Emotionally unavailable' - it's one of those terms you always hear, but you've probably never thought to apply it to yourself. I didn't. Relationships are about giving - and a person that's emotionally unavailable will naturally take, or give so long as it costs little mental energy. Sitting with the fact I've been emotionally unavailable/avoidant has shattered my self-perception. I feel so much shame. Can see my patterns in relationships in stark and terrible detail. I thought things ended because the other person wasn't doing enough (I'm the type to end things) - can see now it's because I didn't go out of my way for these people mentally/emotionally. All that said, I got in touch with the dude yesterday, and asked if he could come out to have a conversation. He has always been present for me, in spite of our BS (I know now it's because he's an anxiously-attached kind of person, and wants comfort, but maybe also because he's just loved me that much). We ended up talking for a few hours and acknowledging our wrongdoings, how terribly we've treated one another, why we do the things we do. It was civil. Eventually I put my arms around him and just embraced him. It seems like we're willing to put things in the past. To forgive and take it slow. I told him I don't want to cut him out of my life and I love him deeply, but I want to be with the version of himself he wants - the version of himself he wants outside of US. And I know it's so hard to grow when you have the comfort of a relationship, so I'm feeling very unsure of how things are going to go. We're going to keep in touch for the next month, 'dating' at a distance. No chatting online, just orchestrated efforts every now and then to try and rebuild, slowly, and see what it was we liked about each other in the first place. Meeting up every week, and hopefully keeping things PG. I'm sure some people would say this is unwise...especially all my friends that I've used as a sounding board over the last months. But at the end of the day, I don't want to wonder if I let go of the best thing I've ever had. I'm curious if anyone has had any luck working on themselves and their needs/issues while in a relationship, or if it's really only a hard breakup and separation where you can do that successfully. Any tips would be much appreciated, I'm feeling shaken up at the moment. Edited March 18, 2013 by evilarchitect
roostin Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) If he's that insecure he definitely has problems of his own to work on. Hell, hes lucky he had a girl that long to be honestly.. like they say "if you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else." A lot of your fights seem to be a result of his personal issues from the sound of it. Im going through something similar to you, didnt realize how unattached I had become and was taking her for granted before I broke it off... yet she gave me everything she had. Sucks to realize the truth after its too late. As a result, I've learned that its more important that I learn to appreciate love and show affection than to get her back as soon as possible. Even if she came to me wanting to mend things... I would tell her I'm not where she wants me to be yet. You rarely get second chances. And thirds? Pffft. I think speaking/seeing him once every week will keep you on track with your personal reconstruction and keep those feelings from wandering, but make sure you're right with yourself before you go beyond that. If things dont work, it'll pay off with the next special dude. Edited March 21, 2013 by roostin
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