Am4Real Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 This is from an old post from Simon Atwood way back in 2010. It is work consideration for many circumstances. All the best, Am4Real "If you want to end a relationship but still have poignant feelings for the other person, then you need to ask yourself why you are ending the relationship (unless of course it is a potentially poisonous relationship like in the case of many affairs, etc. that can be detrimental to your future security and/or the security of your family, especially your children). And ask yourself why you still have poignant feelings. There is a tendency on here, when ever a difficulty within a relationship is discussed, for some people to almost demand that the OP does "No Contact", and if they don't immediately buy in to the "No Contact" ideology, it is suggested that something is wrong with them and the people suggesting "No Contact" become even more insistent to the point of bullying. This says far more about the responders, than the OP. 9 times out of 10, it is better to communicate with the other person. No Contact should really only be applied if there is some form of emotional, psychological or physical threat i.e. abuse. Otherwise I consider No Contact to be a dysfunctional response akin to running away or sticking your fingers in your ears and going "La, la, la!" and hoping that the problem will go away by itself. Essentially you are not facing the problem, you are running away and hiding from it. But then, I am a confronter these days, although I wasn't always, it's something that has come with maturity and self knowledge. In my younger days I more an avoider."
Patrice Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 My thoughts, it entirely depends on the situation. If that person keeps trying to draw you back to something is an unhealthy decision for you, it's time to go NC. I have people in my life still, who I was involved with and we are really great friends. Some people I have removed, because they want something or a person I am no longer -vulnerability I think after a divorce. Funny, how one can grow and learn to discern one from the other. Any time a person makes you feel less than who you are, tries to manipulate or guilt you into something you are uncomfortable with, it is time to cut the ties. 1
singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 If one person, either the dumpee or dumper, doesn't want to communicate then NC is the only choice. You can't force them to talk to you if they need time and space. 3
Sugarkane Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I went NC because my exes were toxic and vindictive. I was dumped cruelly and without any remorse. I didn't need any more pain on top of that. Combined with a dumper contacting me just to gloat that they were doing better than me. No thanks I don't want to be friends with Aholes and their lies and BS. 1
RiceaRoni Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Well I would have enjoyed keeping contact with my ex. But he hurt me too much after the BU, and got with someone new very quickly and flaunted her in my face for a while. I can't talk to people who do that to me. He didn't even have the courage to apologize. Anyone who disrespects me...I will turn the other cheek, yet not talk to you. Unless you have something meaningful to say. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 This is from an old post from Simon Atwood way back in 2010. It is work consideration for many circumstances. All the best, Am4Real "If you want to end a relationship but still have poignant feelings for the other person, then you need to ask yourself why you are ending the relationship (unless of course it is a potentially poisonous relationship like in the case of many affairs, etc. that can be detrimental to your future security and/or the security of your family, especially your children). And ask yourself why you still have poignant feelings. There is a tendency on here, when ever a difficulty within a relationship is discussed, for some people to almost demand that the OP does "No Contact", and if they don't immediately buy in to the "No Contact" ideology, it is suggested that something is wrong with them and the people suggesting "No Contact" become even more insistent to the point of bullying. This says far more about the responders, than the OP. 9 times out of 10, it is better to communicate with the other person. No Contact should really only be applied if there is some form of emotional, psychological or physical threat i.e. abuse. Otherwise I consider No Contact to be a dysfunctional response akin to running away or sticking your fingers in your ears and going "La, la, la!" and hoping that the problem will go away by itself. Essentially you are not facing the problem, you are running away and hiding from it. But then, I am a confronter these days, although I wasn't always, it's something that has come with maturity and self knowledge. In my younger days I more an avoider." Sorry, but I disagree... If even an "amicable" breakup occurs, the reality is that one person emotionally checked out on the relationshup. What good does it do the dumped to remain in contact? Its like knowongly putting your hand on a hot stove. Now, maybe its a good idea to inform the person of your actions at the outset. Ill buy that. This way they know you arent ignoring them because you dont care or that you are "trying to play games" with them. Most decent people on the dumpers side would honor and respect that. Only cruel people would get upset at the fact that a dumpee didn't want to be on the receiving enf of countless breadcrumbs. It hurts. Its the worst form of emotional torture you can imagine. And if thats the case, you dont want any second chance with that individual. And while reconciliations do happen they are admittedly rare. I think you stand a better chance at a recon working out if you didnt act like a groveling and sad doormat. The problem with contact at this time is that even the strongest of people turn into emotional messes. Take the time to work on yourself and put the priorities of your life in order. This way, if by any stroke of luck you become the exception to the rule, you will have preserved your dignity and improved yourself. Its NOT easy, but it is the essential part of the process of getting over this hardship in your life. TFOY 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Ill add this as well.... I have to give props to Tara Maiden. She is the one who is always giving the hard and stern advice regarding NC. She does not sugarcoat, which rubs people the wrong way and makes her look like an uncariing bully (I suppose-I didnt see it that way), to others. I jokingly referred to her as a "wet blanket", but in reality she is telling it like it is! People that have had their hearts ripped out dont want to hear it, but the sooner you yield to her advice the better off you will be in the end. Read what she says and take note. TFOY
big bear Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Insanity- Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Not going NC- Expecting Recon through countless breadcrumbs is INSANITY.
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 If one person, either the dumpee or dumper, doesn't want to communicate then NC is the only choice. You can't force them to talk to you if they need time and space. Yup. Furthermore, a response Simon received in another thread, is as follows: Originally Posted by GrayClouds In other words as much as someone wants to understand the why of a break up, at the end of the day if your the dumpee, the most intelligent thing you can do is to analyze yourself, your role in the relationship's demise, and improve yourself for the only thing we can fix is ourselves. Otherwise you will be wasting your time riding around in your own head on a demented donkey doing your best Don Q tilting at windmills trying to fix the other person. Most people who come to No Contact have already attempted the talk with the Dumper, to rationalise, discuss, beg, plead, implore, question, clarify, investigate, understand, discover..... and have found it's gotten them nowhere. No Contact, by this time, is their last resort, not their first one. This is why those who advocate No Contact, do so knowing it's the only way forward. This is why we insist. Because we know, by this stage, that it's the only thing that WILL work, and propel the dumpee towards recovery. Everything else has been tried, by the dumpee. And everything else has failed. Why? because it's been one-sided. And one - cannot save two - on their own. No Contact is now the only workable and effective remedy. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Ill add this as well.... I have to give props to Tara Maiden. She is the one who is always giving the hard and stern advice regarding NC. She does not sugarcoat, which rubs people the wrong way and makes her look like an uncariing bully (I suppose-I didnt see it that way), to others. I jokingly referred to her as a "wet blanket", but in reality she is telling it like it is! People that have had their hearts ripped out dont want to hear it, but the sooner you yield to her advice the better off you will be in the end. Read what she says and take note. TFOY I've only just spotted this. The tell-it-like-it-is wet blanket, thanks you. 2
Renard99 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I agree with Tara Maiden. I think what Simon fails to identify is that he's coming at it from "if you want to end a relationship" whereas those that insist on No Contact come at it from a "when the relationship has ended" point of view. As Tara Maiden has said, once the relationship really has ended and everything that can be done has been done, No Contact is not only the best way to go, but often the only way to go. It's like a room with one door and no windows. You need to leave and we're not going to suggest you cut a hole and make your own window.... we will insist on the door! 1
drpepper1886 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I agree with Tara Maiden. I think what Simon fails to identify is that he's coming at it from "if you want to end a relationship" whereas those that insist on No Contact come at it from a "when the relationship has ended" point of view. As Tara Maiden has said, once the relationship really has ended and everything that can be done has been done, No Contact is not only the best way to go, but often the only way to go. It's like a room with one door and no windows. You need to leave and we're not going to suggest you cut a hole and make your own window.... we will insist on the door! I agree, his quote also seems to be more addressed at the dumper saying that if you have feelings still or are confused and there is no abuse/cheating/etc involved. It's best to not use the "I need space" card and instead keep communication open to see if you can resolve those issues because you have feelings. If the dumper was to do that instead the dumpee would more than likely listen and try to address the problems to make it work (I know I would have) but instead they ask for space and there is nothing the dumpee can do but give them the space (NC) or do as most do which is beg and plead and grovel which then cements the dumpers view on thinking they are making the correct decision. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Ill add this as well.... I have to give props to Tara Maiden. She is the one who is always giving the hard and stern advice regarding NC. She does not sugarcoat, which rubs people the wrong way and makes her look like an uncariing bully (I suppose-I didnt see it that way), to others. I jokingly referred to her as a "wet blanket", but in reality she is telling it like it is! People that have had their hearts ripped out dont want to hear it, but the sooner you yield to her advice the better off you will be in the end. Read what she says and take note. TFOY Case in point: I'm currently taking a pounding in another thread. But I've 'been there' before, and it's understandable, given the OP's history. I feel for him, but he's mad as hell with me right now.... Par for the course. I take the rough with the smooth. That's "my job".
iouaname Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 my problem with this is that I feel bad when I'm in contact with my ex. I feel like I'm miserable, reeling out of control, and constantly anxious. I feel like I am sacrificing my dignity for whatever little scraps he will give me. So am I one of the "9 times out of 10" where it's better to communicate with the person? Obviously not.
Author Am4Real Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 All good postings and some excellent opinions being shared. For me, I've done it both ways and been successfull, sort-of-speak I beleive the key perspective is to know where one is in the termination process and to understand one's emotions and to the best of our ability guage our Ex's emotions at the time -- then using our expeirence and wisdoms make a consious choise of either imposing NC or attempting conversation. I beleive as we gain experiences in relationships we learn those skills and controls and although "never getting good at terminating any relationship" we evaluate at a much different level than someone suffering from the BU of a first love or a long relationship. Make sense? Regardless, I enjoyed reading everyone's opinions and hearing of your outcomes. All the best, Am4Real 2
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