M30USA Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Say it's a soccer game which their mom signed them up for and a particular game falls on her possession weekend. Is it assumed that she will be the "main" watcher and interacter with the child or is it literally just an open free for all since it's a public event? I tend to not be bully-ish or pushy like my ex wife and her family so naturally I would just let them have most of the time w children as long as I can get a few min before and after. They on the other would try to dominate--as is their family character. So if I push for more interaction with the kids during HER weekend event, is there anything her or her family can do to prevent this? Or is it just one of those gray areas in divorce?
january2011 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 If the circumstances of your divorce mean that you find it difficult to co-parent with your ex and agree things informally without it escalating into a shouting match, I suggest looking at your paperwork for clarification. Otherwise, a quick chat with your lawyer might be worthwhile. Alternatively, if she has the kids that weekend, I would assume that she is the primary caregiver and you are a "satellite" parent who can interact with the kids and say "Hi" but she will be in charge. In that sense, I wouldn't "push" for anything that would cause a ruckus at the actual event itself. 1
Author M30USA Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 If the circumstances of your divorce mean that you find it difficult to co-parent with your ex and agree things informally without it escalating into a shouting match, I suggest looking at your paperwork for clarification. Otherwise, a quick chat with your lawyer might be worthwhile. Alternatively, if she has the kids that weekend, I would assume that she is the primary caregiver and you are a "satellite" parent who can interact with the kids and say "Hi" but she will be in charge. In that sense, I wouldn't "push" for anything that would cause a ruckus at the actual event itself. That's what I naturally would assume. But I don't want to be distant. It's a fine line to walk. I would love to be around my kids constantly on those days, but I don't think I have a functioning coparenting relationship yet. Her family is EXTREMELY controlling and, even during the few moments where I talk w the kids on such a weekend, her PARENTS (not her) are always right nearby monitoring me. I've said it before: I lost primary custody to my kids' grandparents, not their mom.
january2011 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I don't think the grandparents can stop you from interacting with the kids unless through a court order. But I'm not a lawyer, so you need to speak to one who practises family law in your state. I think you're going to have to play nice, not outstay your welcome and not give her parents or her any cause for concern. After all, as much as you want to see your kids, would you want to spend an extended period of time with their grandparents making things unpleasant? Surely better to focus on the quality time you will be spending with your kids when it's your turn?
Author M30USA Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I don't think the grandparents can stop you from interacting with the kids unless through a court order. But I'm not a lawyer, so you need to speak to one who practises family law in your state. I think you're going to have to play nice, not outstay your welcome and not give her parents or her any cause for concern. After all, as much as you want to see your kids, would you want to spend an extended period of time with their grandparents making things unpleasant? Surely better to focus on the quality time you will be spending with your kids when it's your turn? I agree with all you're saying. But her family doesn't abide by the same expectations. For example, during a possession week of mine, my ex and her family were in my town and requested to visit with them. I didn't think it was appropriate to take time away from my week--especially since there was no school/club event! And did you know in divorce court they used this as an example of how I'm a "bad coparent"? Ha! Because I was supposed to say, sure, take some of my limited time with my kids when you already have the majority as it is? I don't know how my ex's family ever got so brazen.
january2011 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I think that you are going to have to speak to your lawyer and get their opinion. In an ideal world, you'll get the time that you are both allotted, but sometimes it doesn't always work out that way. Just turn up and say "Hi" for a few minutes. Since you know about the game, presumably your kids and your ex know that there is a chance that you might be there. Perhaps get an amendment to the paperwork for these situations so that it's clear to everyone what must happen. If you can be painted as a bad co-parent, so can she. Document incidents, if you can.
TheBladeRunner Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 If the circumstances of your divorce mean that you find it difficult to co-parent with your ex and agree things informally without it escalating into a shouting match, I suggest looking at your paperwork for clarification. Otherwise, a quick chat with your lawyer might be worthwhile. Alternatively, if she has the kids that weekend, I would assume that she is the primary caregiver and you are a "satellite" parent who can interact with the kids and say "Hi" but she will be in charge. In that sense, I wouldn't "push" for anything that would cause a ruckus at the actual event itself. This is a great suggestion! My buddy in Dallas went through the same thing at sporting events. Finally, after 3 years, they worked it out and don't do that to each other anymore. THEY BOTH wish they came to they're senses sooner. Kudos for being involved with your kids as well!!!! I hope your XW and the in-laws can come to their senses much sooner.
Author M30USA Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) I think that you are going to have to speak to your lawyer and get their opinion. In an ideal world, you'll get the time that you are both allotted, but sometimes it doesn't always work out that way. Just turn up and say "Hi" for a few minutes. Since you know about the game, presumably your kids and your ex know that there is a chance that you might be there. Perhaps get an amendment to the paperwork for these situations so that it's clear to everyone what must happen. If you can be painted as a bad co-parent, so can she. Document incidents, if you can. I'm currently not on speaking terms with her family due to their blatant inaction and lack of concern for me after their daughter physically assaulted me. In addition her entire family fabricated lies to paint me as a child abuser. So...I have no reason to speak with them other than when absolutely necessary and pertaining to kids. Even if they want to communicate with me about the kids I've made it clear to them that it's between me and their mother. Some will say to act friendly for the sake of the kids. But I disagree. I acknowledge their existence as human beings but I don't desire communication with them. I don't want my children to think that I approve of them conspiring to rip my kids away from me. Edited March 18, 2013 by M30USA
january2011 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 In which case, perhaps don't just turn up. Have something in writing via legal channels to cover these situations. If you can't be friendly, be business-like and distant. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I agree with all you're saying. But her family doesn't abide by the same expectations. For example, during a possession week of mine, my ex and her family were in my town and requested to visit with them. I didn't think it was appropriate to take time away from my week--especially since there was no school/club event! And did you know in divorce court they used this as an example of how I'm a "bad coparent"? Ha! Because I was supposed to say, sure, take some of my limited time with my kids when you already have the majority as it is? I don't know how my ex's family ever got so brazen. My strategy was to take the high road from day one and so I treated her and the in laws as I hoped they'd someday treat me. And while the payoff was slow in arriving, they eventually came around So don't be so precise about keeping score and keep the big picture in mind. You'll be doing this for a couple more decades... Mr. Lucky
aMguilts Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm currently not on speaking terms with her family due to their blatant inaction and lack of concern for me after their daughter physically assaulted me. In addition her entire family fabricated lies to paint me as a child abuser. So...I have no reason to speak with them other than when absolutely necessary and pertaining to kids. Even if they want to communicate with me about the kids I've made it clear to them that it's between me and their mother. Some will say to act friendly for the sake of the kids. But I disagree. I acknowledge their existence as human beings but I don't desire communication with them. I don't want my children to think that I approve of them conspiring to rip my kids away from me.[/quote look at what you posted aM
Author M30USA Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I'm currently not on speaking terms with her family due to their blatant inaction and lack of concern for me after their daughter physically assaulted me. In addition her entire family fabricated lies to paint me as a child abuser. So...I have no reason to speak with them other than when absolutely necessary and pertaining to kids. Even if they want to communicate with me about the kids I've made it clear to them that it's between me and their mother. Some will say to act friendly for the sake of the kids. But I disagree. I acknowledge their existence as human beings but I don't desire communication with them. I don't want my children to think that I approve of them conspiring to rip my kids away from me.[/quote look at what you posted aM I did. I don't see what you're getting at. If you're implying that I am vengefully mad at them and wish them death , you're wrong. As I said, I have basic respect for them as human beings and I would rescue them if their life was in danger...but I don't desire any relationship with them and I'm not the kind of person to feign affection and friendliness.
2sure Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 M3 you're on the right track by smply acknowledging that there is hostility between both parties at this time. And considering, well , everything...there is going to be for a long time. So, you're also on the right track by asking questions as to what behavior could be an example of good or acceptable co parenting. And...it's not something that's easily defined when anything you do is offensive to your ex. And maybe tht works the other way too. I have one piece of advice and I think it is solid. Regarding events like sports, plays, awards...always always always do what you think will be easiest on your kids. Not what you have a right to, not what your kids might like the most, but what is easiest on them. Socially and emotionally. For example, with the soccer game during moms weekend...go but dont interact. Make sure your kid sees you and knows you're there . That's what's important. It also puts you on the high road, and I know it's cliche, but honest in the long run this is what makes you solid, this is the example they need. 3
Author M30USA Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 M3 you're on the right track by smply acknowledging that there is hostility between both parties at this time. And considering, well , everything...there is going to be for a long time. So, you're also on the right track by asking questions as to what behavior could be an example of good or acceptable co parenting. And...it's not something that's easily defined when anything you do is offensive to your ex. And maybe tht works the other way too. I have one piece of advice and I think it is solid. Regarding events like sports, plays, awards...always always always do what you think will be easiest on your kids. Not what you have a right to, not what your kids might like the most, but what is easiest on them. Socially and emotionally. For example, with the soccer game during moms weekend...go but dont interact. Make sure your kid sees you and knows you're there . That's what's important. It also puts you on the high road, and I know it's cliche, but honest in the long run this is what makes you solid, this is the example they need. Thank you for that post. I found this very helpful and I will take that advice.
amaysngrace Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I agree with 2sure. Go to the game to see your child, take pictures if you want, and stand far away from all of them. And cheer him on loudly. 1
Gunny376 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I didn't even read any nor any of the other posts! Dudn't~ didn't, don't ain't going to! If I come off like a United State Marine Corps Instructor? In your face! So be it! You be there for those kids~ 100% ~ 110+ % U make them fill honored! Fill special,even priviledged! 4
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I have one piece of advice and I think it is solid. Regarding events like sports, plays, awards...always always always do what you think will be easiest on your kids. Not what you have a right to, not what your kids might like the most, but what is easiest on them. Socially and emotionally. You'll have to understand also that your kid's wants, needs and priorities won't always sync with yours. So while your loneliness and love for them may make you want some bonding time, they may often have other things going in terms of schoolwork, friends and activities. These aren't objects you're passing back and forth with shipment and delivery dates, they're people. Are any of your kids teenagers yet? That's another whole set of challenges ... Mr. Lucky 1
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