mtnbiker3000 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Really, really want to go NC, but so many little roadblocks. I finally moved out last weekend. Think this will help NC quite a bit, LOL!! However, I still have to get more and more crap out of the house, but will try and do that when she is not there. Maybe lunch time, I guess. I just found out she will be moving out of our shared rental house at the end of next month. Since she helped me pack and move some stuff yesterday, I feel I should be available to help her if she needs it. Said she won't, so may be OK there. But then there is also all of the finalizing of bills and the deposit from the house. I just feel like I will still have to communicate in early May again. Really want to try and avoid this, but I doubt I will be able to. We are also trying to settle up on shared things we bought together like the fridge, lawnmower, a large gun safe and some other stuff. This again, won't really get finalized till May, because we really won't know the monetary details until the deposit is returned. I guess I will go NC till deposit is returned, then extreme LC to settle all bills… And, I feel I will need to help get the house ready for a final walk through as well. I mean, I did live there for 20 months with only her there for just 6 weeks. Can't leave that all on her. Don't know what to do to start healing when I know I will have to be in LC in another 6 or so weeks. Wish I could just forget about all of these lingering things, but too much money at stake…
coralie Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I can totally relate to this, as my breakup took over 2 months dragged out because we were still living together at the time and just like you, there were so many practical and financial and personal matters to sort out. It won't be easy, I can tell you that, but just try your best to prioritize in your mind beforehand about when and what is actually necessary to contact and communicate about, and as for the rest of the stuff that isn't really worth it, let it go as much as possible to avoid contact. Try to think of any contact and communication as sort of a business transaction and nothing more. You have to protect yourself and your mind/emotions first. And know that once you move out and get away and everything is sorted out, NC and the healing will be much easier. I wish you the best, because I know this is really tough for you right now, but you will get through it. 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Huh. Exactly what my therapist said Yeah, it's already a different (better?) feeling being able to go to my own space, even if it is small and pathetic. At least she's not there and I don't have to wonder where she might be going, why she isn't there, watching her get ready for a night out with friends, etc... Just wish I could go total NC N O W!!!! Just knowing I will have contact soon bothers me
misswillow Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I know how you feel, I just had to talk to my ex today about some financial stuff, and it turned into a discussion about our relationship, the breakup, we were both crying, etc. This was our only really talk about it, though, so maybe it needed to happen. But he said he wants to talk again in a few weeks, which I should have refused because he probably won't even call and it will be a huge letdown. If everything works out with the financial stuff without any snafus, this was probably the last time we will have to have contact, which is a relief but also hard to know that there is no reason for me to have to talk to him again. Breaking up the life you shared together, and everything that went with it, is just so sad...
SuperGeek Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) When my ex dropped the hammer on me, it was her 4th time leaving, so I knew she wasn't coming back, at least not until having a go at a rebound relationship first. I knew I had a choice of either living with her painfully while we worked through finances slowly or just paid her to leave immediately. I knew if she hooked up with a rebound i'd be done for good, so I choose the route that showed me the brutal honest truth. I took the 2nd option and paid her first months rent at a nice flat and this removed a lot of the tension between us. She had her privacy now and wasn't directly in my presence any longer. I gave her the out she wanted and with no argument. She actually thanked me and cried as she drove off with the money (that was the last time I saw her). It allowed her to move on with the guy she (at the time) really wanted to be with which helped me realize I just wasn't the one she wanted any more. It was brutal because I knew it was done for good and I saw her true intentions and the evidence quick (within weeks). This allowed me to realize I shouldn't be friends with her and just move on and I have. For me, I knew the financial loss would hurt much less than the emotional loss (it was painful), so I just paid her to leave. It still wasn't easy by any means, but I do believe taking this route actually prevented a lot of additional drama by removing me from seeing her date the new guy ( the rebound ). She eventually tried to come back a year later after her new dazzling fiancé left her for another woman after just 8 months. Grass wasn't so green after all I suppose. I declined on her offer. Point of my story: OP, get most of your stuff from your EX now and get the financials figured and don't let it linger until May. Figure it all out immediately and be done with it. The sooner you can walk away clean the sooner you will heal from it. At least that's how it was for me. The people I see going through a really rough period are those getting dragged through a prolonged negotiation session and put through emotional turmoil. If you have the ability to cut your losses in other less painful areas, do it! Do it and move on. Life is too short to suffer in agony. Also do not help her with anything at this point. Just get your stuff and be on your way. She doesn't need ('or likely desire') your help at this point, so DO NOT accommodate her. She has her girlfriends and other GUY friends to help her do that. Take charge and get closure now and don't let this linger. I know it hurts probably reading that, but any good acts of will you do at this point will just hurt you emotionally and make her feel validated with her ending the relationship ( I'm assuming she is the dumper here ). The best exit is the one with no emotion and no drama. Just get the stuff you need, cut your losses where you can gain it back later and move on. She's already doing the same thing herself. SuperGeek Edited March 20, 2013 by SuperGeek
2sunny Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Have her settle the money out. Pay a cleaning company to do the final cleaning father she moves... Have her move a few days ahead of schedule - that way you can collect your things after she leaves - and have the cleaning crew tidy it up. She can directly transfer your deposit money into your acct - or you can do the same - depending on who receives the deposit back. 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Yeah, I was thinking of a cleaning company and using PayPal to move money around. I already have most of my stuff and will collect the rest during lunch breaks when she is not there. I agree, I really don't want to drag this into May. Although, currently NC right now and it feels OK
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