Love82 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 ok here i go ... Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years i am 31 he is 35 we have lived together for 3yrs. He has always said from the beginning that he has never wanted to marry. When he and i had started dating i had been divorced and had the same mind set no more marriage. 6yrs have passed and he has told me before that im the only woman that has ever made him think about possibly marrying. Well now im at a place where i would really like for us to eventually get married. He now says I dont know. We practically live the marriage life and we are currently trying to have a child together. He never gives me a reason why he doesnt ever want to marry. We have had our ups and downs and gotten through it and i love him and he loves me.. ive let this marriage thing eat up at me that it starts a conflict should i just be happy the way things are?.. if i changed why hasnt he? I have 2 sons from a previous marriage and he has 1 daughter. I guess in some way i would like us to feel more like a family more connected. we have been having trouble conceiving, and lately this has been more on my mind i feel like im not good enough for him to change his mind about it. i really need some helpful advice. thanks
TigerCub Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm wondering... You're someone that has been divorced. You live with your boyfriend and you have a child together - what would marriage add to that in your view? I mean you already saw that getting married doesn't mean together forever - so why are you feeling that marriage is so important with him? Also, he started out not wanting marriage so I think that you're just being hard on yourself by saying that you are not "good enough to marry". I mean if he started out talking about how great it is to get married one day and just wont marry you after 6 years - then I can see why you'd think that you're not good enough - but that wasn't the case here. 1
Author Love82 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 well we dont have any children together.. i divorced my ex husband due to infedelity. When we divorced i always said i wouldnt ever marry again i was broken. But things have changed ive changed and idk i guess i would like to feel like its official like i can make him see things different. He says the same things ur saying thought LOL that we have everything the marriage thing shouldnt matter and i am enough .. but how do i shake this feeling of wanting the whole marriage
CarrieT Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 However, if you feel strongly about it, then why are you trying to have a child with him? ^^^^ THIS ^^^^ Having a child isn't going to make him want to marry you that much more - in fact, it would probably be a mistake because you would resent him for not wanting to marry you. AND you would have a child to deal with. I would put a complete halt to trying to procreate. You asked, "I have changed - why hasn't he?" Some people never change. Why would you expect him to? You have given him all the milk - why should he now buy the cow? 1
Author Love82 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 im not trying to have a child so he will marry me and im not saying i will leave him if he doesnt. its just a feeling i have. at one point in our relationship we both talked about it as if it were going to happen but then it just like idk anymore .. i love this man regardless if he marries me or not its just the feeling i cant get rid of at the moment of wishing he would just ask me.
TigerCub Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 well we dont have any children together.. i divorced my ex husband due to infedelity. When we divorced i always said i wouldnt ever marry again i was broken. But things have changed ive changed and idk i guess i would like to feel like its official like i can make him see things different. He says the same things ur saying thought LOL that we have everything the marriage thing shouldnt matter and i am enough .. but how do i shake this feeling of wanting the whole marriage I apologize, I thought you said 'we have a child together' instead of 'we're currently trying to have a child" my mistake I understand that over time you changed your mind, but the thing is it doesn't seem like he has. So I guess there really isn't much you can do about that - but please put that idea that you're not good enough out of your mind, because his view on marriage has been the way it is all along - so it's NOT you! As for really wanting to move towards marriage and the idea of wanting to have kids together - all I can say is that until you both are on the same page about your future having a kid with him might actually complicate things and if you still don't get the marriage that you want, you may feel trapped with him because you have a child together, so please think long and hard before you decide to actually have a child with him before this whole marriage issue is resolved. 1
Author Love82 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 thank you i will do that for sure. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Trying to conceive now is just plain dumb. You are kind of thinking, "maybe it will make him closer to me so he will marry me". Well, maybe it will, maybe it won't. What it will do is give you a kid, without the security of a committed relationship. The gold standard for a committed relationship is marriage. He is not willing to make the commitment. But he apparently also thinks it's OK to try for a baby with you: after all he is not risking as much as he can walk away, with child support maybe or maybe not. That might not be what he tells himself or you, but it's the reality of the choice. Unmarried parents tend not to stay together and the statistics show that. You can tell yourself you will be exceptions but you'd be a fool to choose those odds. My recommendation: stop trying to get pregnant. Have a serious talk. And be prepared to leave him if he won't follow up a desire for a child with commitment to the mother. I wish you good luck with your choice, and the strength of will to carry out what you decide. Edited March 19, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy
tbf Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Prior to having any children together, the two of you need to hash this out. Consider marriage counseling.
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