playing your cards right...

[calgary]

anybody believe the outcome of a break up and reconciliation is all down to how you play your cards?

 

I have a feeling in most instances.. if you play games.. if you pour your heart out, or you just generally move on with your life without looking back.. there's nothing you can do in some instances you're just old news and no matter what you do, what you beat yourself up about, what you regret, what you wish you played differently... it wouldn't have made a difference because the outcome would be exactly the same.

 

if they wanted you they would want a relationship right now, no matter how hard or stressful life is... no matter what. in some instances there's just nothing you can do.... the vaccine is better than the cure.. so if you're having relationship problems, try and communicate and deal with the problem before it escalates to a break up.. because once it's come to that point it's a lot more difficult to repair.

 

I tried to fix my problems.. but she refused so I had to end it. I didn't want to but I didn't want to keep seeing her flirt with other guys.

 

in the end she's seeing my friend. Most people on here will say I dodged a bullet in the end and that I did the right thing.. even though not having her anymore doesn't feel that way... maybe i'll see it in time.

 

I spent 2 months curled up in bed crying and neglecting myself and the people that care about me because I was too busy thinking about one girl who doesn't care about me.

 

It's going to be a long while before i'm fully recovered. but I know things will never be the same again. i'm extremely hurt and I never want to feel this low again. I think the lesson to take from my story is.. be careful who you care about and trust. don't depend on others for your happiness.

[McGriff]

"Don't depend on others for your happiness."

 

Guilty as charged. Still learning.

[Thunderchild]

The question of "What if....." is the road to madness. Remember, you are not God, you are not omniscient and all powerful - there is no person on the planet is responsible for how someone else feels.

[travelonic]

if they wanted you they would want a relationship right now, no matter how hard or stressful life is...

 

That's not to say there aren't cases where they need time alone, or time with what they perceive as greener grass, to see the want who they were with before... or that stresses in life can could one's judgment, or make somebody seek something different than what they may have relationship wise [regardless of if it is a good choice], or just feel like things aren't working out like it seemed to be at the start - those are certainly valid possibilities that I've seen reading stories here [and from experiences I'm still going through right now]. It's just those possibilities - and the possibility that the other is just not ready for relationships yet - need to be coupled with the possibilities that the person is a heartless bitch or bastard, or really wanted to play games, or wanted to hurt you.

[SimonSerenade]

No matter what you say or do, no matter how much you wish and worry about what there going to do without you, you can't control what there going to do, it's heart breaking to know that but just knowing that saves a lot of pain thinking about it

[Amelie1980]

I tried to.communicate the issues I had in the relationship.but he shrugged them all.off.

[mtnbiker3000]

"Don't depend on others for your happiness."

 

I keep hearing this and I realize it must be true, but I just don't fully understand it. I mean, I love being by myself, and have traveled by myself and I am generally cool with who I am. I have been single for long stretches of my life, while being both young and older. BUT, it still just doesn't make sense how to not depend on someone you share so much time, intimacy, physical and emotional feelings with. I really just don't know how to apply this in the future to not be where I am now...

[Mack05]

Calgary,

 

Can I tell you how I think you should play your cards here? Instead of focusing on what she did and your friend did, you focus on the mistakes you made in this relationship and the one before that. You focus on any other mistake(s) which have held you back.

 

Try putting all this down on paper (Journaling). Try work through all these emotions in a positive way. Try to recognise your own weaknesses and then buy self help books to help you combat them. Try set short term and long term goals. Can be career goals, personal goals, romantic goals, physical goals. Tick off each goal as you achieve them.

 

When the time is right forgive your ex and your friend (in your mind). By playing your cards this way, when you meet a new girl you won't be wondering if she will screw you over or go off with your friend. Why? cause all that negative baggage will have been discarded.

 

You will focus on cool things like holidays you take together, special occasions. What can I do to make her as happy as she makes me. The question whether you can trust her or not will not come into your head, because when you look in deep her eyes it will tell you all that you need to know. The way she cuddles you in bed will just feel right.

 

If you keep going the path you are on you will NEVER meet the right girl. Any girl you do meet you will destroy any chance of happiness by YOUR insecurity and YOUR drama. Guess what Calgary. Life ain't all sunshine and rainbows. This is the best speech about life from any movie ->

.

 

I recently lost a family friend through cancer. Fine one minute, gone a few weeks later. Life is just way too precious to spend it focusing on thrash like this. Now you can either spent the next 6 months to a year feeling sorry yourself and blaming anyone and everyone for the raw deal you got. All while drifting further and further away from that amazing girl I described above OR you can say to yourself "I am better then this" and go get a LIFE!

 

What is it going to be man? Get busy living or feeling sorry for yourself? Letting two scumbags get the better of you!? Come on Calgary you are better than this..

Edited March 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Amelie1980]

Nice inspirational speech but that stuff doesn't do it for me.

 

Our greatest arrogance is to believe we.are special but we.are all unbelievably the same.

 

One look at online dating.websites tells you that. Everyone likes friends and.family. Everyone likes travel, food, music,.film etc etc

 

I don't know why there are so many relationship problems these days.

[Sososad]

Hey man I've followed your story a bit on here ..

Defo a bad run of things .. I see a some truth in what you say about playing your cards right .

From what I've seen alot of girls (probably men too) just wanna play games and sadly we don't get a choice and get forced to play..

Funny when we are dumped the advise is to walk away and smile and hold your head high when our heart and gut say fight fight fight.

I do see in this instance how "playing" can definitely help.

Pity we can't just be honest and things play out straight..

So many games so much hurt .

Hope your hanging in ok!

[Mack05]

Nice inspirational speech but that stuff doesn't do it for me.

 

Our greatest arrogance is to believe we.are special but we.are all unbelievably the same.

 

One look at online dating.websites tells you that. Everyone likes friends and.family. Everyone likes travel, food, music,.film etc etc

 

I don't know why there are so many relationship problems these days.

 

Couldn't disagree with you more Amelie but that is just my opinion. IMO We are all special, every single one of us. There is a quote from the power of now that I love..."you are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are"

 

Ok the speech doesn't work for you. That is ok, but to not think of yourself as special is sad to me. There is no arrogance in calling yourself and others special.

 

We all have opportunities to live a great life. Doesn't matter your background, religious beliefs, mistakes you made, your level of education, your skin colour, your sexual orientation, how much money you have. It is what we do with the opportunities in life, that determines the kind of life we lead.

 

With the right positive attitude and hard work, I fail to see how you can't be happy. I think with your glass half empty attitude Amelie, it makes things harder then they need to be.

[travelonic]

Nice inspirational speech but that stuff doesn't do it for me.

 

Our greatest arrogance is to believe we.are special but we.are all unbelievably the same.

 

One look at online dating.websites tells you that. Everyone likes friends and.family. Everyone likes travel, food, music,.film etc etc

 

 

IMO, the tone of this post is more arrogant than believing you're unique in any way.

 

Yeah, everyone likes friends and family, travel, etc - but so what if people have similar, or the same interests? It is the nuanced differences in interests, the nuanced differences in things like what we're good at, how we look at the world, how we make things work, how we approach human contact - relationship or not - that kindle those unique attributes.

[Amelie1980]

Couldn't disagree with you more Amelie but that is just my opinion. IMO We are all special, every single one of us. There is a quote from the power of now that I love..."you are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are"

 

Ok the speech doesn't work for you. That is ok, but to not think of yourself as special is sad to me. There is no arrogance in calling yourself and others special.

 

We all have opportunities to live a great life. Doesn't matter your background, religious beliefs, mistakes you made, your level of education, your skin colour, your sexual orientation, how much money you have. It is what we do with the opportunities in life, that determines the kind of life we lead.

 

With the right positive attitude and hard work, I fail to see how you can't be happy. I think with your glass half empty attitude Amelie, it makes things harder then they need to be.

 

If you'd said that a year ago I would have agreed and been brimming with confidence and all Would've been right with the world. But having just been through a brutal bu which has smashed my confidence I just can't feel good.

 

Not one person has ever loved me for who I am.

[Mack05]

With your point about relationships Amelie. I will get 'thrashed' for this, but let me give you my opinion on relationships today. I think relationship problems are not new to this generation. I just think people live their lives in a more free way. Religion does not have the same influence/control as it did 20 or 30 years ago. I think there is good and bad to that statement.

 

I think from being on this site, I see more often then not two type of relationship issues.

 

Scenario 1: The one where people meet young (high school/college sweethearts) and mid twenties it falls apart. Maybe its GIGS, but for me its just people don't want to deal with the hassle of 'Life' until as long/late as possible. They want to experience new things, party, travel etc etc. This leaves one half of the high school sweetheart devastated as they saw their future with just one person. It's hard knowing the dumper is out partying while you are grieving.

 

Scenario 2: The second type is the whirlwind romance. Everything happens so quickly and feels amazing, only to unravel quicker then it came together. I personally believe it's sad this generation jump into bed so quickly. They don't know each other the way they should. The building blocks don't get built in the correct way. It's like they are in a rush to get to the finish line, without actually doing the race. When problems occur neither have a clue how to resolve them and more often then not communication sucks in these types of relationships. These relationships usually involve people not happy in their lives, looking for happiness from another person. This usually means disaster along the line. I've had both scenario's in my life.

 

I think its sad that the average amount of sexual partners for both men and women has shot through the roof in this generation. I always say to myself how can I feel 'special' knowing my potential wife has been with 10 or more guys? It's simple I can't and its the reason that I will probably end up single, cause very few people view things as I do nowadays.

 

'Special' is unique. Many times the only difference between your husband/wife and your ex is timing. I believe this is one of the many reasons more and more relationships fail today. it's just incredible how easy partners are replaceable today. Rough waters come and people start looking over the neighbours fence so to speak. For me if I ever got married it could only be once, because for me my wife would be irreplacable. I think that's the way it should be. I would fight like crazy for her when things got tough. I would die for her, but I would only want to those things if she was 'special' to me and vice versa..

 

Sorry calgary got a it side tracked there. I know most won't agree with me just wanted to offer an opinion to you Amelie.

[Mack05]

 

Not one person has ever loved me for who I am.

 

I am 37 and have the exact same problem Amelie....The key thing is loving yourself for who you are..Anything else is a bonus.

[Amelie1980]

With your point about relationships Amelie. I will get 'thrashed' for this, but let me give you my opinion on relationships today. I think relationship problems are not new to this generation. I just think people live their lives in a more free way. Religion does not have the same influence/control as it did 20 or 30 years ago. I think there is good and bad to that statement.

 

I think from being on this site, I see more often then not two type of relationship issues.

 

Scenario 1: The one where people meet young (high school/college sweethearts) and mid twenties it falls apart. Maybe its GIGS, but for me its just people don't want to deal with the hassle of 'Life' until as long/late as possible. They want to experience new things, party, travel etc etc. This leaves one half of the high school sweetheart devastated as they saw their future with just one person. It's hard knowing the dumper is out partying while you are grieving.

 

Scenario 2: The second type is the whirlwind romance. Everything happens so quickly and feels amazing, only to unravel quicker then it came together. I personally believe it's sad this generation jump into bed so quickly. They don't know each other the way they should. The building blocks don't get built in the correct way. It's like they are in a rush to get to the finish line, without actually doing the race. When problems occur neither have a clue how to resolve them and more often then not communication sucks in these types of relationships. These relationships usually involve people not happy in their lives, looking for happiness from another person. This usually means disaster along the line. I've had both scenario's in my life.

 

I think its sad that the average amount of sexual partners for both men and women has shot through the roof in this generation. I always say to myself how can I feel 'special' knowing my potential wife has been with 10 or more guys? It's simple I can't and its the reason that I will probably end up single, cause very few people view things as I do nowadays.

 

'Special' is unique. Many times the only difference between your husband/wife and your ex is timing. I believe this is one of the many reasons more and more relationships fail today. it's just incredible how easy partners are replaceable today. Rough waters come and people start looking over the neighbours fence so to speak. For me if I ever got married it could only be once, because for me my wife would be irreplacable. I think that's the way it should be. I would fight like crazy for her when things got tough. I would die for her, but I would only want to those things if she was 'special' to me and vice versa..

 

Sorry calgary got a it side tracked there. I know most won't agree with me just wanted to offer an opinion to you Amelie.

 

You re right I feel the same. fyi I'm 34 and have slept with 3 people.

 

With my latest guy I thought I did everything right. We waited 5 months before sleeping together and he said it made us stronger as we got to know each other and fall in love first.

 

I wasn't demanding, I was happy....wtf was I supposed to do different.

[Mack05]

You re right I feel the same. fyi I'm 34 and have slept with 3 people.

 

With my latest guy I thought I did everything right. We waited 5 months before sleeping together and he said it made us stronger as we got to know each other and fall in love first.

 

I wasn't demanding, I was happy....wtf was I supposed to do different.

 

I think it will be hard for you Amelie to meet the guy you want, because you have lost all belief it seems. When we view the world in this way the negativity holds us back. The opportunities don't seem to come.

 

I know you are hurting. I have been FAR lower then you, so I know what you are going through. I can only hope you can snap out of this funk you are in. We are all special and we all deserve to be happy. It's hard to get that happiness if we hold ourselves back.

 

I know how annoying I must come across. A few years ago I was MR I feel sorry for myself..I would hate getting the keep positive advice.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Amelie1980]

I think it will be hard for you Amelie to meet the guy you want, because you have lost all belief it seems. When we view the world in this way the negativity holds us back. The opportunities don't seem to come.

 

I know you are hurting. I have been FAR lower then you, so I know what you are going through. I can only hope you can snap out of this funk you are in. We are all special and we all deserve to be happy. It's hard to get that happiness if we hold ourselves back.

 

I know how annoying I must come across. A few years ago I was MR I feel sorry for myself..I would hate getting the keep positive advice.

 

Relationships are practically disposable.these.days

No one stays the distance anymore.

[Mack05]

Relationships are practically disposable.these.days

No one stays the distance anymore.

 

sad to hear you feel this way. Hope things work out for you Amelie...

Calgary too.

[Thunderchild]

Nice inspirational speech but that stuff doesn't do it for me.

 

Our greatest arrogance is to believe we.are special but we.are all unbelievably the same.

 

One look at online dating.websites tells you that. Everyone likes friends and.family. Everyone likes travel, food, music,.film etc etc

 

I don't know why there are so many relationship problems these days.

 

I think that you may have point there. We are all unbelievably the same at a fundamental (human) level. The problems arise over expectations. Too many people have expectation that are way above their actual reality. I'm on a dating site and reading some the profiles I am utterly astonished at the 'shopping lists' (especially amongst some women) that are produced by some pretty average individuals.

 

I'm sorry ladies, but the wealthy, handsome, perfect, kind, caring, family-orientated, cordon-bleu chef with the perfectly sculpted body who will "treat me like a Princess" is not going to go running to an overweight, single-mother with three kids by three different guys, living in poverty, with a mountain of debt and trust issues around "Men" from her previous experience of making poor choices.

 

And, gentlemen, the 25 year old bikin clad hottie is not going to fall for the fat, balding, middle-aged, couch potato with no job, no money, no prospects and bad breath.

 

Relationships these days are perfectly disposable - no-one really wants to make the effort to hold something together when the next prospect is already hammering at your Inbox.

[Thunderchild]

Nice inspirational speech but that stuff doesn't do it for me.

 

Our greatest arrogance is to believe we.are special but we.are all unbelievably the same.

 

One look at online dating.websites tells you that. Everyone likes friends and.family. Everyone likes travel, food, music,.film etc etc

 

I don't know why there are so many relationship problems these days.

 

I think that you may have point there. We are all unbelievably the same at a fundamental (human) level. The problems arise over expectations. Too many people have expectation that are way above their actual reality. I'm on a dating site and reading some the profiles I am utterly astonished at the 'shopping lists' (especially amongst some women) that are produced by some pretty average individuals.

 

I'm sorry ladies, but the wealthy, handsome, perfect, kind, caring, family-orientated, cordon-bleu chef with the perfectly sculpted body who will "treat me like a Princess" is not going to go running to an overweight, single-mother with three kids by three different guys, living in poverty, with a mountain of debt and trust issues around "Men" from her previous experience of making poor choices.

 

And, gentlemen, the 25 year old bikini clad hottie is not going to fall for the fat, balding, middle-aged, couch potato with no job, no money, no prospects and bad breath.

 

Relationships these days are perfectly disposable - no-one really wants to make the effort to hold something together when the next prospect is already hammering at your Inbox.

[thefooloftheyear]

Couldn't disagree with you more Amelie but that is just my opinion. IMO We are all special, every single one of us. There is a quote from the power of now that I love..."you are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are"

 

Ok the speech doesn't work for you. That is ok, but to not think of yourself as special is sad to me. There is no arrogance in calling yourself and others special.

 

We all have opportunities to live a great life. Doesn't matter your background, religious beliefs, mistakes you made, your level of education, your skin colour, your sexual orientation, how much money you have. It is what we do with the opportunities in life, that determines the kind of life we lead.

 

With the right positive attitude and hard work, I fail to see how you can't be happy. I think with your glass half empty attitude Amelie, it makes things harder then they need to be.

 

Right on...

 

Thanks Mack... You are putting a good perspective on this.

 

Bottom line is if you let them have the power then you lose on all counts.

 

Calgary's story is very tragic. That is the biggest kick in the nuts anyone can ever get. But the "bright" side is that at least he(I hope) can get to the anger phase right away and not twist in the wind with some misguided false hope of a reconciliation. These boards are full of these poor souls. Heck, I think I am in that category as well. But I am making progress.

 

Go to the gym, Kick some ass there. Not only will the endorphins lift your spirits(BTW natural endorphins released during strenuous exercise will outperform ANY drug you will ever take for depression), but you will be so empowered by your "new" look. I know its working for me!!

 

We will win this game...its in our hands!

 

STAY STRONG EVERYONE!!

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

Relationships are practically disposable.these.days

No one stays the distance anymore.

 

I will agree with you there....I am amazed at the way people throw away good relationships over trivial crap. Maybe its social media?

 

I have a theory. Stuff like Facebook is a relationship KILLER. You get someone who is weak of character and what starts as a simple flirty remark or a "like" of a status and the next thing you know, they are off and running.

 

They then throw away something good.....maybe they regret it later but the damage is done. Frabkly as a guy, a woman with a FB obsession is as much of a turn-off as anything I can think of..

 

Best to you Amelie!!

 

TFOY

[Thunderchild]

Nice inspirational speech but that stuff doesn't do it for me.

 

Our greatest arrogance is to believe we.are special but we.are all unbelievably the same.

 

One look at online dating.websites tells you that. Everyone likes friends and.family. Everyone likes travel, food, music,.film etc etc

 

I don't know why there are so many relationship problems these days.

 

Actually, I think that you might have a point there. We are all incredibly similar at a fundamental level. However, where we differ is in our expectations, I've moved onto a dating site and the expectations of some people are utterly mind boggling. The profiles of some pretty average individuals have 'shopping lists' of desirable attributes ina partner that beggar belief - and - I'm sorry gals - but it tends to be women who have the most un-realistic expectations.

 

That's not to say that the fat, balding, middle-aged couch potatoes aren't holding out for the 25 year old, bikini-clad hotties.

 

Relationships are infintely disposable these days. So, why work at trying to make something that is 70 or 80% good when you have the next prospect hammering at your Inbox or chatting you up at the supermarket?? Even within marriage almost two thirds of partners cheat - men tending to stray slightly more than women (Or, is that just that men are more honest about it and women don't get caught out as often??).

 

Plus, we have to address what people say that they want and what they actually accept. I have read dozens (maybe hundreds of profiles) with "kind, caring, honest, reliable man" but read further down and find the need for "chemistry" or "a spark" and the previous statement need not apply!

 

It all boils down to looks - whether you be male or female. Physical attraction is oftenthe be all and end all. Everything else is noise and chatter. If anyone has ever watched the episode of "Frasier" where he brings his old classmate to a surprise party, he's trying to get with one of her friends. They have something like seven or eight attributes/things in common, yet the moment he turns his back, she's off with the good looking guy.

 

A little bit of honesty would save a worldful of heart break.

[adelia]

Calgary if being yourself is playing your cards wrong then you don't want that game!

Never regret loving and giving of yourself thats a good quality. You just gave to the wrong person and lifes about learning. One day you will look back on this and be stronger I promise despite the pain right now. I can say this because I've lived it first hand. I went through terrible depressive phase after a break up and thought life would never be happy again but it was.in fact it made me appreciate my life single more. I felt like the cards were in my hands again. You'll get there!