klem Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Hello everyone, I need some advice or thoughts...I can't make heads or tails out of this. This might be a little long, so I apologize in advance. Let me give some background. About a year ago, I finally got out of a very unhealthy marriage with my EX...I have two great teenager kids and both had a hard time with the EX also. I met this wonderful woman shortly after I split from my wife, we were good friends before my marriage ended and it was because of her that I had enough courage to finally leave...and much happier because of it. No my GF hasn't really had any long term relationships and has no kids so she really doesn't know what it means to be a parent. We have been going out for about 1.5 years now, and things were great for while. We broke her previous landmark for a relationship which was only 10 months. Like I said things were going great for about a year...we were both happy and madly in love with each other. We had discussed moving in together, had plans drawn up to remodel her house so we'd have enough room for me and my children. Now, things have been getting progressively worse...my teenage daughter is 13 and has been having some issues...like most girls her age. She being disrespectful and acting out, hangin with the wrong crowd and saying that im too controlling and shes at the point of hating me right now. She is currently seeing a therapist and hope she will get on the right track soon. Now back to the GF, we've had multiple talks about my daughter and she thinks that I need to start punishing her for her actions, and feels that I need to take away all things that are important to a girl at that age...ie, cell phone, facebook..etc. We have had issues about the way im raising her and my inability to follow through on the punishments. We've been kinda rocky for that past month or so..now its almost to the point of no return. I love this woman more than anything and I haven't ever been this happy with anyone else. I would give her the world if I could and would do anything to make the relationship work. My GF is saying that its all just too much for her right now and needs a break...this was two weeks ago. During those two weeks she still txts me and even asked me to come over for awhile to hang on, but she doesnt' want to talk about us or our relationship. Which I do...granted when I do go over there I try to pretend that im okay with this break...but its the elephant in the room and I just want to be able to work things out...so I leave at night and get txts from her as soon as I get home, saying that it was a awkward moment and now she thinks its better to be in the friend zone for awhile. the next night...same thing...she asks me to come over and hang for while...and I leave and again the same type of txts. Now, its St. Paddys weekend, her favorite holiday, she invites me over to her place for a party with all her closest friends...I told her id come but I don't want to ruin this day for her. I end up going over there and immediately I feel uncomfortable, all I wanted to do was grab her and never let go...so instead of making it uncomfortable for everyone else, I did the cowardly thing and hung out by myself in another room and really didn't speak to anyone. As I was leaving she said that im making this harder than it needs to be. So, I leave that night, and she txts me immediately saying that "im sorry this is hard for you. and askes me what she can do to make it easier...other than the obvious. I asked her what does she mean by its all too much for her...is it my daughter? the small lie I told her? work? or just don't feel the same way I do about her? her reply "the lie, daughters behavior and my lack of attention to do it until now, work, and I have been feeling a little indifferent lately. I can't envision you not being a part of my life, I just don't know at what level. Last night was incredibly akward for me. I am concerned about whate else you hve lied to me about, why it took so long to work on getting control of ur kids and ur life...I have all these questions that go unanswered..everything just keeps building up. I am worried about you and how ur handleing everything. Because I care about you ... that hasn't changed and wont. She continued to say that "it was the fact that you guys were going to move in and she was going to behave that way in my house, and there wasn't anything that I could do about it, because I am NOT her mother. I asked if there was any chance we could just "slow down" vs taking a break...She said, "Witht he way im feel right now and whats panned out the last couple of days, im not sure that we can...at least not now. After everthing settles down..ie, my daughter, and u have a handle on it all...then maybe...not now...that may take awhile. We need to not be a couple right now, and dunno if we can get back to where we started from, I can't guarantee anything, but after all this, including last night, I can't do this right now. So are we in agreement that we r just friends right now, cause that is whats best right now. I told ther that id rather keep her as a friend than loose her forever. Then she said "when is it approp to make the relationship status official?" That is basically it...but then she still continues to txt me, and act like nothing is wrong..we continued to talk the rest of the night, but not about our relationship...just a conversation like we've always done in the past...right before be last night, she txtd me again saying "im going to miss putting my cold feet on you"....she still wants to be good friends, and isn't even opposed to the occasional "booty call" every now and then. I guess im just confused after all this....and I just don't know what to do. I am not willing nor ready to give up on this yet... If there are any questions at all, please let me know...I know I probably babbled a bit, and may not have expressed everything. I do love this woman and I have never hid my feeling for her to her...she knows exactly how I feel about her. Thanks much....
Chi townD Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Look, she wants to friend zone you to the max. That isn't fair to you. And if your daughter is acting out, well, if she had a brain in her head then she would realize that her family broke apart a year ago. OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO ACT OUT! Apparently, she isn't too understanding of this fact. You need to distance yourself from this woman. If she won't commit to you, then there are plenty of women out in this world that would. You CANNOT be friends with her while you still have romantic feelings for her. That isn't fair to you. Apparently, I get the feeling that she feel a little sad if you leaft for good, but it really wouldn't last too long, because I feel that she really isn't that connected with you and could really give a rats ass. 1
KatZee Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 If this were merely about you and her, it would make the situation much easier. But it's not. You have children right now who are coming in between the relationship you guys have. It's hard enough for biological parents to raise teenagers, but throw in a woman who is NOT their mother. She sees what needs to be done to control your daughter's behavior but she CAN'T act on it because: 1. She's not your daughter's mother. 2. You guys are not married / engaged or even living together. This is a massive disadvantage because she essentially has NO SAY or any pull in the situation. To be parents, both people need to be a TEAM. If she says one thing, you say another... then there is no consistency and you both are not on that "team." This relationship CAN NOT WORK if her parenting style is one way and yours is a complete opposite of that and there is no joint front. I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone if their kids were constantly causing problems, not listening to me, disrespecting me, etc etc, and the father refused to do a thing. I get that these are your "little girls" but some discipline really wouldn't be such a horrible thing here. You need to be a PARENT not a best friend. You need to take the steps in order to get your daughter in line. If that means taking away Facebook... believe me, she'll survive. This is why I'm assuming your girlfriend wants out. She feels disrespected by your kids, and not supported by you. You see how it's not just about you and her, but about the household as a whole?
Author klem Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 KatZee, Yes, I clearly see where she is coming from. I have been trying to take the necessary steps to bring her under control. She does see that im trying...and has praised me for doing so. She has told me that if and when I get a handle on her, things could change. I so want for me and the GF to work together on this. I ask her for her opinions on what I can do...and am really trying to incorporate these. I want to make these decisions together, but she has her mind made up on the way it should be. Its not that im not doing anything...I am doing what is necessary...but its when she's not with me and back with her mother's. Then she just falls a back to her normal behavior. I have just recently started to get the cooperation of her mother and we are working together to come up with a set of rules that can be followed across both households. Its getting that consistency and structure that I know my daughter needs badly.
KatZee Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 So then your focus should be you, your daughter and your ex wife right now. Get that under control and THEN focus on getting the relationship back on track. (if she wants it) But she's only going to want it if there are MASSIVE changes. So. Effort there first.
Author klem Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 And that it what I will do. Then, so how to deal with the GF...she still wants to be friends, hang out, etc. We have the same circle of friends. Do I continue to stay friends with her? Or go NC until she sees the changes for herself?
KatZee Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 And that it what I will do. Then, so how to deal with the GF...she still wants to be friends, hang out, etc. We have the same circle of friends. Do I continue to stay friends with her? Or go NC until she sees the changes for herself? I wouldn't go complete NC. Be cordial. If you see her out, be nice. I wouldn't say be a friend. Absolutely do not be a friend or else you're going to find yourself friend zoned real fast. Keep her at arms length. Don't hang out with her one on one. Let her be the outside observer of you and your daughter. Sounds like she needs the space right now, so give it to her.
Mcnulty Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm guessing you both are at least early 30's? Well you are.... i'm guessing she may be younger than you? She's never been in a relationship for more than 10 months? No kids, bear with me, just trying to join the dots here. Your daughter is going through some emotional issues, she's seeing a therapist yes? like Katzee said, your daughter may be experiencing fall out emotions from you and the ex wife splitting...her parents. So, surely your recent ex should understand this? Is she commitment phobic? She doesn't seem very empathic and she's willing to relegate the rel to F-ck buddies??...Hmmmm.
Author klem Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Mcnulty, Im actually 37 and she is 32. Yes, you are correct the longest relationship has only been 10 months long. She has been hurt in the past with other relationships...as all of have been. Her way to deal with it is throwing up her "guard wall" as she puts it. The GF isn't one to talk much about her emotions...she would rather throw up that wall. when she does express her self...it may not come out correct. But she has no issues expressing the way she see's it. Currently she says that she isnt' happy as she feels all she does is complain, critize and b---ch. My 13 year old daughter is going through some rough times, shes resorted to acting out, hanging out with some inappropriate friends, and some self inflicting behavior...my ex-wife and I were married for 15 years, and she is a bipolar alcoholic that has been in treatment many times. Both my children see have seen all this...and have been through hell and back. Which is one of my issues, I had to play the best friend role to them as they really didn't have mother around when they were kids. Now, im attempting to get them on the correct path and finally trying to be a parent first, and set up some structure and rules to be followed. They never had that before... The hole F buddies im not really sure where that came from...not sure if she was just trying to break the ice, and change the conversation...but it was definitely said. She also really doesn't like to speak about this face to face...she seems to more prefer txts...which is just another one of her quirks.
Mcnulty Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Power to you mate, you sound like a thoroughly decent guy, who's had a lot of **** to put up with. The children are first and foremost for you, i can see that. Long term, can you see it getting easier and being good with this ex, you and the kids? Honestly? Sounds to me like you're doing the best you can and defending her, when i think you could do better, that simple.
KraftDinner Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I think I may be missing something -- what is the "small lie" youu told?
Author klem Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 the small lie... I used to smoke a little to ease the stress that the ex put me through...I did do that though deer hunting season, but that was two days over the course of years....she was mad at me for me not telling her that it happened. i came clean with her about it, just hated the fact that i lied to her about. Tonight, we shot darts and she barely acknowledgment my presense, when i texted her about it...all she said is that she feels like we should have no contact for awhile....what the hell did i do that was so wrong?
asdfasdf1234 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Just my opinion but I completely disagree that you should be in any contact with her right now. You should completely cut her out of your life for the time being. Its basic psychology and right now you are just too available. She doesn't have to work for you whatsoever so she gets the benefit of being able to date other people while if it doesn't work out with them she can easily have you back. Women do not respect a man that acts that way. It is completely beta and is very unattractive to them and if you are that way for long enough it will kill any chance you have of reuniting with her. You might think oh but it is different with us she loves me and to that I say it is never different, they all feel that way, no matter what kind of connection you had prior to this. This is just my opinion and I know you probably don't like to hear it because it is the hardest road to take but I guarantee you it is the best chance you have of getting back with her. Good luck. Edited March 19, 2013 by asdfasdf1234
Author klem Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 So, i guess from what your saying i guess i need to go NC? Give up all that i enjoying doing...darts, pool, etc? As she is there on those teams. This is hard, you're right...i just can't turn off all these feeling like a faucet.
asdfasdf1234 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 So, i guess from what your saying i guess i need to go NC? Give up all that i enjoying doing...darts, pool, etc? As she is there on those teams. This is hard, you're right...i just can't turn off all these feeling like a faucet. If seeing her frequently would not affect you and your emotions than sure you stay on those teams and keep playing. We both know that this isn't the case, however. Every time you see her it will reset your "get over her" clock, and put you right back at square one. I guess the question right now is what is more important, darts and pool or your emotional well being. Only you can answer that, but I think we both know what the answer is.
Chi townD Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 So, i guess from what your saying i guess i need to go NC? Give up all that i enjoying doing...darts, pool, etc? As she is there on those teams. This is hard, you're right...i just can't turn off all these feeling like a faucet. Look, no one says that you have to give up playing darts and pool. But, there's more than one pool table in your city or dart board. Plus, you should be looking into different hobbies and different sports and clubs. Meeting new people. Like joining a running club or a cycling club, hiking club or co-ed softball or a Men's Soccer League with your local Park District. There are a ton of different things to explore that you might be interested in if you just look.
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