Would like a woman's advice, please

[smh124]

I posted my situation about a week ago and I got a response from a guy in a similar situation. I would like to know what a woman thinks about this.

 

Here's a recap of my story:

 

Met this girl in Nov '02. I am 30 and she is 28. I was instantly in love with her. I had feeling for her that I've never had before. We started dating and she moved in with me last summer. Everything was great until the beginning of this year.

 

Suddenly we became like roommates. Never hung out, never had sex, never did anything together besides get on each other's nerves.

 

So this past May, she left me for a week. I was heartbroken. But I let her back a week later.

 

A month went by and I couldnt get over this. I wanted to be alone and I didnt want to be with her anymore. I was miserable and making her miserable as well. So in June I broke it off with her and she went back to live with her parents.

 

As soon as I did this, I felt awful. I missed her immediately and felt empty inside.

 

And then about a month ago, i see her in a bar. We have some small talk. Thats when I started to think about her again about 24 hours a day. 2 weeks later I saw her again (with some dude). We spoke even more this time and we agreed to go out on as friends.

 

When we went out, she told me about 5 times that this guy was not her boyfriend and she only wanted to be friends but he wanted much more. I asked her if she would give me a 2nd chance and she said she wants to be with me she cant b/c she doesnt trust me that i wont hurt her again.

 

And we have spoken since about the same thing. She says she misses me terribly, stilll loves me, but I dont deserve a 2nd chance b/c of how much i hurt her. And she has 2 much pride to date me again. I asked her if she wants me to just go away, she said absolutely not.

 

I once again feel the love for I did when i first met her. I feel like I let my only true love go. And I need her back. I've been miserable without her. And I think we were meant to be together, just living together really screwed us up.

 

And then came our conversation today.

She said she is still in love with me, wants to be with me. I asked her would she be happier if I just went away, she said no way. I told her how much I love her and want her to give me a 2nd chance. She said she cant b/c she is dating this other guy. And she doesnt trust me that I wont hurt her again. But in the the meantime, we can hang out as friends.

 

She seems as confused as I am.

 

Can any woman out there help me figure out what to do?

 

Steve

[Merin]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I know from personal experience that even though she may still really love you and care about you, she is afraid of being hurt, and just because you're telling her that it won't happen again it isn't showing her that you're sincere.

 

So with that said, if I were in your place and you really want to win her back, then come up with ideas to SHOW her you are sincere and not just talking.

[Mr Spock]

Have you heard the term "absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

 

What were the reasons you both got on each other's nerves so badly in the first place? Has anything changed to prevent that from happening again? These are the things you should examine before you contemplate trying to win her back again.

[smh124]

I think living together really put a strain on or relationshiop. I think things would be diffeent now that we wont be living together.

 

And what sort of actions could I take without looking like some crazy stalker?

[Quilly]

I think living together really put a strain on or relationshiop. I think things would be diffeent now that we wont be living together.

Where is it you want this relationship to go? Obviously, not to the alter if you can't handle living together. I agree with Spock, you need think on that some more.

[smh124]

I honestly believe we can go all the way. I know this is the only girl I ever loved and I think the same holds true for her. We just hit one snag. And I'm sure we can make it work again.

[KristyAGD]

Steve-

 

Your post sounds eerily like my situation, except that I'm coming from your ex's perspective.

 

My ex broke things off 3 weeks ago. Long story short, the summer had been rough, but we worked through things. We lived together. I was feeling depressed about my professional career; he felt like it was all a reflection of my unhappiness with him and the relationship.

 

I think he had the same thoughts as you...both of us were unhappy. I think he worried that this unhappiness would resurface again--down the road when we were married and had kids. It was very sudden. There were a few days of him being distant, and then he broke it off. He tried to throw himself into his work, his hobbies, etc.

 

I saw/talked to him twice the first week. I saw him once the second week, and he told me he had made the right decision with our separation. I then gave him his space the rest of the week. He ended up calling me 4 days later, leaving a short but poignant message on my phone. He said he didn't know why he was calling; he just wanted to talk to me. He said he was feeling sad. (He later admitted that he missed me). I called him back and we talked for 45 minutes. We agreed to meet the next day, and I told him I needed to talk to him about something.

 

I met up with him, and we had small talk for half an hour. Then he asked what I wanted to "talk" about. I believe that he thought it was about getting back together. It wasn't, and he seemed upset, disappointed. He said something about his fears that my family hates him (I also went back to my family's, like your ex did). I left on good terms, and we hugged 3 times (nice long hugs that tore at my heartstrings).

 

I haven't called him since. It's been over a week, and I think I'm doing the right thing. Should I call him? Should I write him? I'm very confused. Will space help or hurt the situation?

 

 

Anyway, I think your ex is scared. Very scared. I think that when you ended it the first time, it really was a shot to the heart. She's terrified that if she goes back this time--you'll just leave her again. The stuff with the guy is pretty common. I'm going to a wedding next month, and I'm trying to find a guy friend that my ex doesn't know to take me. Your ex is probably trying to convey that she's not just sitting around the house crying over you. I think it's an act. If she really had moved on, you guys wouldn't be communicating.

 

Are you really sure that this time you're in it for the long run?

 

If you are, write down specific things about her that you miss. Not just physical or sexual things...but the little things she would do or say that made you love her. Send a few of these things to her, or tell them to her on the phone or in person.

 

Explain to her what led to the breakup...talk about your feelings. Try to pinpoint what problems were there and how you can solve them this time.

 

Good luck!

[smh124]

KristyAGD,

 

Thanks for your response. We had a long conversation last night. Basically she says she still loves me and wants to be with me. And I agree. But she cant right NOW b/c it wouldnt be fair to this other guy she is dating. But she still wants to hang out with me. I guess I can live with the friend thing. It will give me a chance to regain her trust. I guess i have to be patient.

[KristyAGD]

If she still wants contact, I consider that good. I still think she is gun-shy. Would her family perhaps be against the reconciliation? If you just stay patient, I think you'll be fine.

 

My ex's birthday is this weekend. I don't know if sending him a card and/or a note would be good. I haven't talked to him in over a week. It has been hell. I want to let him know I still care, but I don't want to put myself out there and seem foolish...but I guess what do I have to lose?

[smh124]

Hey KristieAGD,

 

Should I call her or ignore her for a few weeks?

 

Steve

[passionflower]

Oh, my god

 

You just need to move on and find somebody else. This seems like something my sister would do, every single time she would end a relationship she would want the guy back, and conveniently when this guy had found another woman a couple of days after the break up. Want to know what I believe if you break up don't make up. Second chances are for suckers.

[prevch]

I disagree often times second chances are for people who are really in love.

 

My cousin got dumped by his girlfriend of two years. she dumped him hooked up with another guy they went out for 6 months it didn't work out she realized that dumping my cousin was a huge mistake they got back together and are now happily married.

 

I think it's great.

[LuvHurtsme]

Originally posted by prevch

I disagree often times second chances are for people who are really in love.

 

My cousin got dumped by his girlfriend of two years. she dumped him hooked up with another guy they went out for 6 months it didn't work out she realized that dumping my cousin was a huge mistake they got back together and are now happily married.

 

I think it's great.

 

Agreed. More often than not, second chances, come later down the line. It's very rare to see an immeadiate second chance after a bad breakup. I'm still waiting for my second chance.

 

Steve,

 

In your situation I would think it best to not call her and let her call you. I've always found this approach to be often difficult to go through with, especially if your very much in love and speak with the person every day. However you must remember these things:

 

1. She has a "boyfriend" now. Why call her? You'll only upset yourself for calling her. She'll soon realize that you've stopped calling and will call you. After all as 'Spock said: "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 

2. Go out and have fun with other girls, do this for two reasons. The first is so your not sitting 'round the house thinking about her which may lead to you calling her. As long as your keeping your mind off it you're less likely to make contact. The second reason is that you may find someone new that you would have never met sitting around wishing you were together with your EX.

 

I know it's hard to attempt to not make contact, believe me I know, however you'll feel much better when she begins calling to see why you haven't been. Play it cool, you've been busy, hanging out alot, etc. etc.

 

...And if she doesn't call, then chances are you calling wouldn't have really made much of a difference either way. Goodluck Steve.

[smh124]

Luvhurtsme,

 

Thanks for the advice. Im going to do exactly what you said.

 

Steve