Details from her past bother me....

[HitMeNow]

Hey everyone,

 

So long story short me and this girl were "seeing" each other for a while casually. I was seeing other people she was also seeing other people.

 

She would tell me from time to time about this guy from her homecountry she was really close to, but it didn't really bother me.

 

Lately, we got much closer she dropped the other guy she was seeing(for her own reasons, nothing to do with us). We progressed to being exclusive a while ago...

 

Now my problem in all this is, lately, I found out that this other guy she was seeing and her had some kind of "long-distance" "don't date other people deal"..... I WAS BAFFLED. She's always been almost 100% sincere with me about guys she's been with (including him, although I never knew they were "so close" til recently.), or who ask her out, or who she gives her number to... but she had mentioned nothing to him about how she was ****ing me all along... (I am assuming she justified herself by thinking that with me it was just physical, since it really was at the beginning)

 

Also to take some weight off her, I kind of swayed her into the "dating many people is nbd" thinking.

 

I lost my trust in her big time now... Is this my ground for questioning? Is it something excusable? Should I talk to her about it? I really hate "all serious about nothing important" talks...

 

On the other hand, it's a really big "ouch" in my head. Now whenever she tells me I'm with a friend or going out to a work dinner, I can't help but think..... maybe she's just ****ing another guy. I even went through her phone one day(shame on me), to prove myself wrong. (She in fact had hidden almost nothing from me, except her giving her phone number to some random guy at a club, which is nbd, since we're not set bf/gf yet and we've just promised each other to not date / sleep with other people...)

 

Other than that, I must say she's an amazing girl. Very GF-material. Good educatoin, good values, good family. Has been in a 6-yr ltr before and never cheated (I know through other sources). She also is a very caring person and does a lot for her SO (i.e me at the moment).

Edited March 18, 2013 by HitMeNow

[AverageCat]

It is ground for questioning IMO. Not hard questioning, but you should try to see her point of view and it's important for her to know that she was in the wrong, so as she doesn't repeat it again.

 

Said all this, you cannot judge someone from their past 100%. So communicate to her. If you see that she's not being very upfront in this issue and wants to rather sweep it under the rug.... you might have to walk.

 

Again take in factor all aspects of her when making a decision. But when trust is 100% gone... it's pretty done.

[Bountyman]

Chief there's a reason she didnt give you that information did you ever think you were option 2 whilst he was option 1.? Like average cat said once trust goes its gone, I've personally been there and if you dont leave her or question her you are only going to get worse trust me.

 

Ask yourself one question why didnt she mention him properly in the beginning? Walk dont look back find yourself a good woman. Dont dig yourself a deeper hole the darker the place the longer it takes to see the light!!

[HitMeNow]

Chief there's a reason she didnt give you that information did you ever think you were option 2 whilst he was option 1.? Like average cat said once trust goes its gone, I've personally been there and if you dont leave her or question her you are only going to get worse trust me.

 

Ask yourself one question why didnt she mention him properly in the beginning? Walk dont look back find yourself a good woman. Dont dig yourself a deeper hole the darker the place the longer it takes to see the light!!

 

It's hard to explain, lots of circumstances. My problem isn't really that I might have been her "option 2"...

 

Like I said we were purely physical at the beginning. She went away for a month or 2 and told me at one point about this guy and how they had gotten really close... and I was OK with it. I didn't ask "how close", but she told me they had slept together and we'd talk sometime about him and how obsessed he was with her, or how she would have gotten in a relationship with him if they lived in the same place, just like we'd talk about the other 2 girls I was hooking up with... It was like a close friendship. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time.

 

So that doesn't bother me, since at the end of the day, when I wanted her romatically involved with me, she became mine and dropped the other guy.

 

My problem is about her lieing to this POOR GUY. All along during their short-lived "long distance" "no dating other people"... she was ****ing me and forgot to mention it to the guy.... When I went through her phone (Shame on me) I would see their "old convos" and whenever she'd come over she'd tell him she was at a girlfriends place, or grabbing a drink with some friends, etc,etc... This is the thing that really destroyed my trust.

[Bountyman]

In that case run! if she can do it to him she can do it to you. Women don't forget **** and if she claims she had amnesia its ice cold lies lol... i don't know how else you want me to put it but if you end up where i was you will be back on love shack asking how to dig yourself out that hole (fear not we have got plenty shovels).

 

If it was purely physical why get serious when it was just about tapping that ass. vulgar vulgar my mouth has no breaks today. If shes lying to him she can lie to you that's the end of it. You cannot trust a woman who feels no remorse about sleeping without a guy then proceeds to tell him shes at her girlfriends joint while shes making it happen at your place. Hello am i the only one who see's this ****!...

 

Ok say you stick with her.... then she finds another guy you become the poor guy who you feeling bad about now. then you the laughing stock of her amusement!!!

[HitMeNow]

In that case run! if she can do it to him she can do it to you. Women don't forget **** and if she claims she had amnesia its ice cold lies lol... i don't know how else you want me to put it but if you end up where i was you will be back on love shack asking how to dig yourself out that hole (fear not we have got plenty shovels).

 

If it was purely physical why get serious when it was just about tapping that ass. vulgar vulgar my mouth has no breaks today. If shes lying to him she can lie to you that's the end of it. You cannot trust a woman who feels no remorse about sleeping without a guy then proceeds to tell him shes at her girlfriends joint while shes making it happen at your place. Hello am i the only one who see's this ****!...

 

Ok say you stick with her.... then she finds another guy you become the poor guy who you feeling bad about now. then you the laughing stock of her amusement!!!

 

This is exactly what I'm thinking and hence why I am posting here.

 

And unarguably this is BAD. In principle and believe me I'm a guy who believes in core values and finds something like this really unattractive.

 

Therefore running is a big option... and an easy obvious one.

 

Said that, there's also a 5-6 year track record of her not cheating on an actual bf (not some guy she met on vacation), there's all the other good "core value" things about her that I like.... and there's also the fact that people DO MISTAKE and the fact that I don't know the full story about how serious they were.

 

I guess I have to talk to her and judge for myeslf. Probably will end up breaking it though.... So sorry, she's actually a great goody goody gf material girl outside of that mistake.

[Bountyman]

Wait!! dont justify her lying. With oh she dated a guy for so long. Utter nonsense who did you get that information from the CIA!!! if not everything comes with face value.

 

the game has changed we not picking anymore chief they picking us!! "Money rules the world women make the world go round". So do what you know is right inform her you out and then proceed to get your black book out i dont think i need to advise you on how to proceed from there. its loveshack not a how-to have tap ass guide!! lol !!

 

don't waist your time you seem like a good guy go out and find a woman who deserves you!!!

 

Ps dont prolong it just do it "i once asked is my chick cheating you know the response i got from here? Does a wild boar **** in a forest" dont end like where i was be better than us who make mistakes pain is not a wonderful thing!!! We all learn your choice is if you want to learn the easy way or the hard way.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Bountyman
PS

[HitMeNow]

Wait!! dont justify her lying. With oh she dated a guy for so long. Utter nonsense who did you get that information from the CIA!!! if not everything comes with face value.

 

the game has changed we not picking anymore chief they picking us!! "Money rules the world women make the world go round". So do what you know is right inform her you out and then proceed to get your black book out i dont think i need to advise you on how to proceed from there. its loveshack not a how-to have tap ass guide!! lol !!

 

don't waist your time you seem like a good guy go out and find a woman who deserves you!!!

 

Ps dont prolong it just do it "i once asked is my chick cheating you know the response i got from here? Does a wild boar **** in a forest" dont end like where i was be better than us who make mistakes pain is not a wonderful thing!!! We all learn your choice is if you want to learn the easy way or the hard way.

 

Thanks for the inspiration buddy! Honestly I am awaitng a few other opinions.

 

This girl has been in my social circle for 3-4 years and honestly she is the geeky study girl, who wants a boyfriend, believes in love and all that BS, which I extremely value.

 

I really need to confront her with this before just getting her out of my life.

 

Also too bad, we had made some great plans for the summer........

[HitMeNow]

HitMeNow,

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know that such a situation can be a little obsessive and ruin your or anyone's emotional balance.

 

When things are clear, it's far easier to cope with something. But when you don't know what is happening, when uncertainty is a big part of it, then you can only imagine the worst.

 

So let me give you an advice, if you'll accept it.

 

First of all, make honesty a cardinal rule. People will lie for whatever reasons. Make her say the truth not by judging her or by forcing her into doing this but by showing the fact that you can be trusted. In other words, ask a lot of questions and listen instead of talking.

 

Second, make sure that you set clear boundaries. If you make it clear "one mistake and you are out" she is unlikely to cross that boundary. If she does not know what's right and what's wrong for her (and believe me, girls kind of lack common sense here), then she's most likely to go wrong.

 

Good luck!

Mark

 

Thanks! This is a very well thought answer and honestly less destructive than the previous poster.

 

I like to think that being in a couple means helping each other out and compromising. Mending rather than replacing. But again I need to first see her train of thoughts.

 

I know exactly how to convey things in a clear, confident, slow manner.

 

I haven't made any "pressure" into honesty, but we're VERY VERY honest to each other. To the point where it creeps me out sometimes, and I think that's what I value more out of all of this. Like I said she's lied to me about a few small small things (i.e white lies), things that I might have lied about too.

 

And yes you make a very good point about boundaries.... However I don't want to make her feel like I trapped her. My ideal situation would be her bringing out boundaries about me and about herself as a consequence. Don't know how realistic that is with every girl though (given that there's many passive ones)....

 

EDIT: PS: Am I the only one to find it weird that this is your first post

[IAmRobot]

HitMeNow,

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know that such a situation can be a little obsessive and ruin your or anyone's emotional balance.

 

When things are clear, it's far easier to cope with something. But when you don't know what is happening, when uncertainty is a big part of it, then you can only imagine the worst.

 

So let me give you an advice, if you'll accept it.

 

First of all, make honesty a cardinal rule. People will lie for whatever reasons. Make her say the truth not by judging her or by forcing her into doing this but by showing the fact that you can be trusted. In other words, ask a lot of questions and listen instead of talking.

 

Second, make sure that you set clear boundaries. If you make it clear "one mistake and you are out" she is unlikely to cross that boundary. If she does not know what's right and what's wrong for her (and believe me, girls kind of lack common sense here), then she's most likely to go wrong.

 

Good luck!

Mark

 

This guy knows what he's talking about.

 

Just communicate dude and see where that takes you. Be open to walking away or staying depending on what you're brain thinks is right. Not what your emotions tell you.

[PogoStick]

I think it's a pretty understandable situation. She liked this guy but couldn't handle the long distance thing. This happens all the time when going to college, or when the guy enters the military and is gone 95% of the time. She justifies it because it's just physical with you. Also, you likely don't know the real details of their agreement while being apart. Either way I see it as a grey area because I don't see longtime LDRs as real relationships.