Dating as a single dad

[tmaly]

To summarize, I am a single dad, 32, with 3 kids (oldest is 12), looking to get some advice on how to deal with women and the "oh, you have kids?" routine.

 

I haven't gotten out there that much when it comes to chatting with women, but when I have (such as through personals sites), the instant I tell them about my kids, it freaks them out. "You have kids? Oh." is their response. "You have more than one kid?" Three. "Oh, wow. That's a lot". "Wow, you're oldest is 12?" yada yada.

 

So basically I face a lot of rejection based on being a parent, alone. I'm wondering if anyone knows how do I go about getting around this.

 

I'm not sure if some women just simply don't want a dude with kids. Or maybe she needs to like the guy before freaking her out with the kid thing (though maybe a slight hint early on would help). She might be one of those deliberate kid-free "zero population" types. She also might just not know and the idea all be new and she just not know how to react/feel. She might not see herself settling down anytime soon and wants to move around the country/world a bit. Or she may see her career as important and not feel like there's room for any kids alongside a lover. Or that the guy has got problems if he's got that many kids (same mom, mind you) and single. I dunno. Sometimes I think a woman herself might not know about tolerating kids until she meets the right guy, and then she falls in love with the kids as well. I'd definitely like to be able to discern the reason and weed women out so I don't bother trying to put moves on her when the kid thing freaks her out.

 

Personally I'm not looking to "hook up" with women... I would prefer to find that one awesome (attractive and similar-minded) woman I could be with long-term (at least for the foreseeable future), and maybe have some fun, some FWB etc along the way trying to find that LTR. But since I have kids I don't want to give them the wrong impression as to what relationships are about.

 

Can anyone think of strategies on how to either screen out the wrong kind of women or ease potential women beyond the shock of having 3 kids? I don't particularly want to go after women who aren't relationship and pro-kid material. I'd imagine that somehow I would have to convey early on that I have kids, and somehow gauge how much she likes kids, and what she's kinda looking for in life - ie if her career kinda prevents her from focusing on a family, if she wants to travel quite a bit, etc... it all seems more complicated.

 

I would prefer to meet a woman 5-7 years younger than I am (ie mid-to-late 20's), who loves kids and wouldn't totally freak out if she had a baby within the first 5 years.

 

I was hoping there was maybe a routine or something where I can find out in an efficient way how open she would be to getting involved with a single dad. Maybe she might not know ahead of time, and we'd have to see how things go and out of the blue she suddenly says how she doesn't want to be responsible for anyone else's kids. I don't want to waste my time, especially not years, with one women who just really isn't into the whole family thing. Maybe it's safest to establish a 'hang-out buddy' friendship with various women (with sufficient excuses to hang out, based on common interests) and just see how she behaves around my children and over several get-togethers ask about her career, life goals, travel plans, desire to settle down, etc (in a casual way interspersed with other conversation) - before trying anything romantic?

 

I would imagine that it would be better to focus on my general sense of magnetism where women are drawn to me without me going out of my way to pursue them (or at least I get some indicator from them first that they have interest in me). I'm a pretty passionate guy with my own talents and unique views on things, with certain leadership interests (in a liberal college town) and I might be able to take that unique personality to my advantage, to draw women in toward me. If women approached me and showed interest in me (rather than me in them), I would probably feel more comfortable pursuing something romantic, even if it's not long-term.

 

In terms of screening, I would prefer an easy way to figure out her level of compatibility, so my time isn't spent with women who aren't up for the kids/family/settling down thing. I'm imagining meeting/chatting/etc would be out in public, maybe at a supermarket, maybe the farmer's market, maybe more intimate like a yoga class, or maybe at a party or potluck or something.

 

So I guess my question is how do I go about finding the right kind of women who are up for settling down, having kids, loving mine as her own, etc. I would imagine in a college town I would have plenty of opportunity to chat with the right aged woman, and I just need some sort of way to see whether there is romantic potential - but it takes seeing compatible lifestyle (ie family goals) first.

 

I dunno maybe I'm just overthinking all this and I just need to make friends with women and ask enough about them to see if we have common interests and eventually just ask about their career, past relationship experience, their own families (which can be benign as where she's originally from, where her parents are, and if they're close and if she's ultimately family oriented and sees herself having kids), an interest/need to travel or relocate (or if she feels content settled where she is), etc. I just know that it's easy to get categorized into that 'just friends' situation if there isn't enough attraction going back and forth from the get go.

[RachR]

I think you should aim your age bracket higher than mid 20s, more like late 20s to early 30s, if you want more success of meeting women who are ready to settle and not freaked by you having kids...one being 12 at that.

 

And the whole getting to know a woman on a buddy level way first, that's a big way you can risk wasting your time, and you said you don't want to do that.

 

I'd say just keep meeting women, mention your kids early on and casually steer the conversation to discussion of what you each are looking for. Unless you strictly do online dating or have her fill out an application, I can't see how you'll get to know these things about her, her life plans, interests, etc. without actually going on a couple dates (i.e. something romantic). It can be something as simple as just meeting for coffee. Just be more focused in the conversation but not coming on too strong while getting to know her to learn these things instead of letting the conversation meander all over the place or anything. I've heard of people having a list of questions or topics they always ask or talk about on dates, so you could do that.

Edited March 18, 2013 by RachR

[mesmerized]

I love how you have 3 kids at 32 and want a younger woman to have more kids with! Personally I see it as a huge deal breaker. There is really no shortage of childless men out there. I think you will do better if you adjust your expectations and look for a woman in a similar situation rather than the miss perfect who is willing to put up with my baggage.

 

Also, don't expose your kids to someone you are not in a relationship with. That's all kinds of irresponsible. I hope you don't have a daughter with that kind of thinking.

Edited March 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[soccerrprp]

I think most women in their late 20's are looking for a man THEY can start a family with, not step into a ready-made family with 3 kids. Shudder.

 

So basically, this late 20-something you seek would eventually step into the role of step mother for your 3 kids AND eventually have her own kid(s) with you, as well.

 

So, she's basically looking at raising 5 kids when it's all said and done. Seriously? Wow. Good luck finding that woman.

 

I think your best bet is to look at women in their early 30's who already have kids.

 

yeah, this. Go for ladies 30+ w/ kids is your best bet. I'm a single father with two children, both under the age of 8, but I'm 40+, so many single ladies with children within my age range. Not so much in yours. But I certainly would not look for the 30 and younger group....

[Cutiepie1976]

OP, I would just be honest and mention your children early on, otherwise you'll waste a lot of time.

 

When I run into a guy with kids, he'll typically mention it in passing conversation well before ever asking for a date. Go for the age group you're interested in. Unfortunately, you're going to run into similar reactions (just with much better diplomacy) whether you go for the 20's set or, as some are encouraging, the 30's crowd. Many, but certainly not all, will view kids and a divorce as negatives. Just keep on trucking until you find women willing to date you. They are out there.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Soxfaninfl]

OP, if I were you I would only date women with kids. They will understand what you go through as single parent. Also, they will understand that your kids will always comes first. From my experience very few single childless women are ok with this. You have your hands full with three kids too. I only have one child.

[TigerCub]

You said that you met the women on Personals Sites.

I'm guessing that means online sites

But these women are shocked when you tell them you have kids - so to avoid that - mention that you have 3 kids in your profile!

 

Let the women that want that challenge and are ok with the idea of dating a guy with that many kids and having his ex in his life forever because of those kids contact you.

 

People with kids do have a lot of added baggage and you need to realize that and adjust your expectations accordingly.

 

Good luck

[Barnacle-Bob]

I don't know how much of a hinderance having kids is in dating. I have three, and my oldest just turned 7. Women don't seem to care. I always mention it right away when I'm talking to women, and it seems like most of them seem to dig it. Women love active, engaged dads. If I wanted to, I feel like I could pick up women every time I'm out running around with my kids.

 

Then again, I don't date in any sort of recognizable fashion, so who knows how most women actually feel about it. But in the experiences I've had post-marriage, I haven't had a single woman indicate the kids were an issue. We're talking 25-35 yo women.

[Drseussgrrl]

"I would prefer to meet a woman 5-7 years younger than I am (ie mid-to-late 20's), who loves kids and wouldn't totally freak out if she had a baby within the first 5 years."

 

I'm sorry but I just find this really laughable.

 

25-27 years old? What's wrong with someone your own age?

 

For the record, if this is any sort of perspective, I'm 33 and 3 kids is a huge deal-breaker. Plenty of men my own age I can date who don't have kids.

 

One kid - I could probably handle that. But three?! And one on the verge of being a teenager? LOL

 

Find someone in her 30's in the same boat who will be able to relate to you.