Becoming too distant or am I overreacting?

[sigurpol]

So I guess I have a few questions rolled into one. I'll do my best to explain,

My girlfriend and I have been together over six months and it's been pretty fantastic. We did however have a bit of an issue back in December when she sort of came out of nowhere with a bunch of complaints about me (how I should have a better job, should have more careers lined up because I was graduating, should be moving out of my family's house), but since then, things have been very nice.

 

To give some highs and not come off as a downer, in the past month I've been going over her place almost everyday, met her parents and most of her family, and we try to go out on the weekend to different diners to eat. Usual stuff. A few weeks ago she got me a card that said something about how she's been super happy with me and can't wait for our future. Yay. This week we have a trip booked to go out of town for a few days and we're both pretty amped about it.

 

However, this past week or so... I don't know. All of a sudden I got some vibes that she was unhappy with me. We don't have sex as much as we would like, both living at home (her parents are pretty protective, so we can barely do anything when I'm over, but my portion of my home is big enough. I invite her over but she's either really busy or something). It's nothing where one of us deny the other person. The no-sex thing bothers the both of us and it's been a long time, so I'm afraid its making her unhappy.

 

We 'celebrated' our six months the other day. We both worked but she texted me that morning to tell me. We're not anniversary people (she especially isn't) so I was surprised to see her tell me that. I ended up bringing her some of her favorite foods for dinner at the end of her shift and we got drinks afterward. Aside from our little milestone, neither of us have ventured into the "L-Word". Again, I feel like not having said it might make her feel like we aren't going anywhere? Although I do want to say it, I'm just insanely worried it won't go over well.

 

But again, this past week... I feel like I've barely seen my girlfriend. I feel like our phone conversations are awkward. Although she did tell me before this past weekend that next week before our trip, she's gonna be really busy.

I had a really bad day the other day and laid a lot out to her, how I feel like a bad person/boyfriend for still not getting a better job, although I apply to ones day in and day out. About how I'm generally upset about myself and a lot of other things lately and was a little concerned about us. She got really concerned and told me I should't feel that way and things will be, as she promised, okay. And that I have her. This made me feel better.

 

We still talk about our trip this week, which is nice. She's told me about the stuff that she got for our trip, but all day again today... I felt like we've been growing apart, or shes distancing herself. Or is this normal after 6 months? Haha.

 

Normally she calls me before she goes to bed but tonight.. nothing. I called her and said goodnight and that I missed her today. She said she knew but "at least we'll see a lot of each other at the end of this week. So there's that"

 

So yea, maybe I'm reading too much into things? Should I be doing something?

[sigurpol]

Bumping this. Looking for a little feedback. I guess I'll update while I'm at it.

 

We leave for this trip tomorrow and she called me on her way to work today. Pretty awkward conversation and she seemed really upset as she doesn't have one day off tomorrow next month. At the end of the conversation she told me not to have a "bad day at work" because she "doesn't know how to handle that" if I have one. I said no worries, I won't have one and asked if her day was going alright before she went into work. She just said, "yyyyyep. text me later, cya"

[creighton0123]

1. You're not anniversary people, but managed to do a fancy food + drinks night on your 'six month anniversary'. That is, by definition, an anniversary couple.

 

2. It sounds like the two of you are in a very strange place. You can't get out of it without some solid communication and perhaps you both aren't there yet. How old are the two of you?

[sigurpol]

1. You're not anniversary people, but managed to do a fancy food + drinks night on your 'six month anniversary'. That is, by definition, an anniversary couple.

 

2. It sounds like the two of you are in a very strange place. You can't get out of it without some solid communication and perhaps you both aren't there yet. How old are the two of you?

 

Haha, I guess you're right. I'm 27 shes 24.

 

I mean, when there aren't any problems (and other than about.. 4 months ago when we had a bit of a fight), things are fantastic. Normally when she's in a funk, or I am, we're both open about whats bothering us and sort of move on from it after we talk about it a little. And we talk about it right then and there. Except for this one fight we had 4 months ago, haha. She had let a bunch of things bottle up and dropped it on me one day.

 

I asked her about a week ago if she was okay when we got a coffee. That she seemed a little down. She said she was, just stressed and might be in a funk because she wants to move. She doesn't have many friends here in this town and a majority of her friends live in another state. I know she's stressed and gets down because she has a lot on her plate, but I'm used to her saying SOMETHING either that day or the next. It makes me wonder, but yet, we're still going on this trip together tomorrow.

[AMusing]

I'm most concerned that three months into a relationship with you, she feels the right to criticize your job and financial/housing situation. But you didn't ask about that, so moving on....

 

If everything has been great until this week, I wouldn't worry too much. She warned you ahead of time she would be busy, right? And you have seen her a little this week? That tells me she's still making an effort, even though she is busy.

 

I don't think it's unusual to wait longer than six months to say "I love you," so I wouldn't advise you saying so until you are more confident in the outcome.

 

Anyway, some of her responses are a little strange, but I'd try to forget about them and wait to see how your trip together goes. Hopefully it'll bring you two closer together without worrying about parents being close by or work/classes getting in the way.

[sigurpol]

I'm most concerned that three months into a relationship with you, she feels the right to criticize your job and financial/housing situation. But you didn't ask about that, so moving on....

 

If everything has been great until this week, I wouldn't worry too much. She warned you ahead of time she would be busy, right? And you have seen her a little this week? That tells me she's still making an effort, even though she is busy.

 

I don't think it's unusual to wait longer than six months to say "I love you," so I wouldn't advise you saying so until you are more confident in the outcome.

 

Anyway, some of her responses are a little strange, but I'd try to forget about them and wait to see how your trip together goes. Hopefully it'll bring you two closer together without worrying about parents being close by or work/classes getting in the way.

 

Just giving an update and hoping to get a little feedback.

 

The trip, overall, went great. Everything was good except for the first night there when we were at the drugstore and I went to buy condoms because I forgot to bring some with me. She, for some reason, got super pissed at me and left the store.

 

Later she told me she wasn't surprised that I forgot to bring any with me since it seems like I'm okay with not having sex with her for so long. I tried to explain that wasn't the case and I was equally frustrated, but she just went on about how mad she was about that. Later she apologized to me for getting so mad.

 

About a week after we got back from the trip, she went back into a bad mood. I went to see her one evening when she was with her friends and at the bar after getting a text from a number I didn't know. The text was a picture of a guy with his shirt off, posing in a mirror. This comes up later.

 

I get to the bar to see her, her two friends, and some other guy who turned out to be the guy from the picture who was openly gay (again, that comes up later). I'm not sure why they sent me that? I guess as a prank.

 

That night she calls me and we get into it again. She's still pissed at me for not having sex with her and I try to explain I don't know WHAT she wants. We can't do anything at her house, but I invite her over my place and she declines. She says "how am I supposed to know you inviting me over is for sex?" and "why would I come over there after being at work all day?"

 

Other things she brought up were that she felt like she was being suffocated by me, she doesn't get to spend any time with her friends because they're all living out of town, that I let her 'walk all over me too much' and need to be more assertive with her (eventually I barked back and told her what I thought. That she needs to calm down and not be so confrontational all the time. She said it was about time that I stood up for myself because it was getting annoying), and again.. we haven't had sex in a long time and she's super upset about it.

 

Eventually she tells me that I might be gay. And that she thought I was gay for about 2 weeks. I finally lost it at that point and asked what she was trying to accomplish by telling me that. That I was upset and was getting off the phone.

 

She switched her tune and begged me not to get off but eventually I did. She called me a few times and I didn't answer. Finally called her back and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.

 

The next day she saw me at work and told me how sorry she was and wanted to come over and see me that night. She did. I attempted to have sex but she turned it down. She apologized again and things went back to normal.

 

Here are are again, a week later and shes back to a mood. I honestly have no idea what it is that I might be doing. I ask if shes okay, she says yes. I ask if she wants to do something tonight she asks like what. I mention she should come over and she says, "if this is to have sex with me, no. I can't tonight.. I'll let you know what I feel like doing if I wanna do anything. I'll just want to go home"

 

I feel like I never see my girlfriend anymore. However there are moments, in the past few days, where she talks to me like we USED to talk. She's upbeat, sense of humor, happy, laughing, etc. Then I feel like the next day she's back to being super angry about everything.

 

I feel like I'm falling apart here. What the hell do I do?

[todreaminblue]

I see why you are confused, the sex thing seems to be a major issue,she is giving you mixed messages...

 

 

when did your sex life change? for what reason do you think it changed? When is the last time a real conversation about your sex life occur..when i sth elast time you have had a really good conversation whee things were discussed and changed for the better...are you still affectionate and intimate without sex this oen is really important....sex doesnt necessarily equal intimacy and affection....when have you last really cuddled and kissed without sex where she was smiling at the end of it........deb

[sigurpol]

I see why you are confused, the sex thing seems to be a major issue,she is giving you mixed messages...

 

 

when did your sex life change? for what reason do you think it changed? When is the last time a real conversation about your sex life occur..when i sth elast time you have had a really good conversation whee things were discussed and changed for the better...are you still affectionate and intimate without sex this oen is really important....sex doesnt necessarily equal intimacy and affection....when have you last really cuddled and kissed without sex where she was smiling at the end of it........deb

 

Maybe a month ago or so, if I had to guess. I'm not sure WHY it changed. I do know that because she lives at home with rather strict parents, doing anything over there is out of the question. At the same time, she feels worried if she comes over here and we do have sex because other people in the house might hear it (we've done it here, there has never been a problem). When we had a blow up last week, we got a lot of steam out it seemed like, and the next day she was sorry for accusing me of being gay and for being so hard on me.

 

I TRY to be affectionate and intimate when I see her. We had lunch about three days ago and everything was great. We were our giddy selves. On the way back to her car, I kissed her and reminded her how much I love being wiht her. She smiled, told me the same. There are other times when I try to be this way and she gives me this look like she's going to scream at me for acting that way. I'll see her at work and jokingly do this with her and that's when I notice she's not receptive to it.. however if SHE wants to do it with me when she's at work, then it's okay for her. Not really fair in my opinion, but what can you do.

 

The last time we spent any moments in bed with each other was last Sunday. I feel like it's rare when we do that now. Some days she's all about seeing me and being with me, other days I feel like she's so upset with me.

[clia]

Six months is an interesting turning point of many relationships. You are out of the happy honeymoon phase and well into serious evaluation of the other person to determine whether you want to stick with them for the longer term. It seems to me that she is looking at you with an objective yardstick and is not convinced she wants it anymore, but doesn't really know for sure.

 

The things she brings up -- these are irritations about another person's personality and actions. They are the kinds of things that really come to light during the 3-9 month timeframe of a relationship. They are the kinds of things the other person has to decide whether or not they can live with.

 

That night she calls me and we get into it again. She's still pissed at me for not having sex with her and I try to explain I don't know WHAT she wants. We can't do anything at her house, but I invite her over my place and she declines. She says "how am I supposed to know you inviting me over is for sex?" and "why would I come over there after being at work all day?"

 

This may tie back to the gay thing. Guaranteed one of her friends asked her if you were gay, and it is gnawing at her, and she is tying your recent lack of sex to that. Maybe she also wants you to take more control in the bedroom, which ties to her complaints about you not being assertive enough. Maybe she also isn't as attracted to you anymore, but is trying to push the blame on you.

 

Other things she brought up were that she felt like she was being suffocated by me, she doesn't get to spend any time with her friends because they're all living out of town,

 

Now that you have exited the happy honeymoon phase, you have to figure out where you both fit into each other's lives, how often you see each other, and what the balance is. This is hard sometimes. She's struggling with this. Give her space all the way to China to spend time with her friends.

 

that I let her 'walk all over me too much' and need to be more assertive with her (eventually I barked back and told her what I thought. That she needs to calm down and not be so confrontational all the time. She said it was about time that I stood up for myself because it was getting annoying), and again..

 

Oh, I can relate to this. She's lost respect for you because she feels like you are a doormat. This is really annoying behavior in a boyfriend.

Consider this carefully -- Do you always go along with what she wants? Do you ever stand up for yourself? Does she wear the pants in the relationship? Do you always agree with her? Have her interests become your interests? Do you do your own thing by yourself or with your friends? Are you giving more than she is?

 

Your relationshp with her is at the make or break point. She probably loves you, but is deciding how much she loves you and whether or not she is in it for the long haul, given what she perceives to be your flaws and annoyances. I think your best bet for now is to give her the space she obviously needs to decide. You can obviously still see her and talk to her, but you should pull back.

[sigurpol]

Six months is an interesting turning point of many relationships. You are out of the happy honeymoon phase and well into serious evaluation of the other person to determine whether you want to stick with them for the longer term. It seems to me that she is looking at you with an objective yardstick and is not convinced she wants it anymore, but doesn't really know for sure.

 

The things she brings up -- these are irritations about another person's personality and actions. They are the kinds of things that really come to light during the 3-9 month timeframe of a relationship. They are the kinds of things the other person has to decide whether or not they can live with.

 

 

 

This may tie back to the gay thing. Guaranteed one of her friends asked her if you were gay, and it is gnawing at her, and she is tying your recent lack of sex to that. Maybe she also wants you to take more control in the bedroom, which ties to her complaints about you not being assertive enough. Maybe she also isn't as attracted to you anymore, but is trying to push the blame on you.

 

 

 

Now that you have exited the happy honeymoon phase, you have to figure out where you both fit into each other's lives, how often you see each other, and what the balance is. This is hard sometimes. She's struggling with this. Give her space all the way to China to spend time with her friends.

 

 

 

Oh, I can relate to this. She's lost respect for you because she feels like you are a doormat. This is really annoying behavior in a boyfriend.

Consider this carefully -- Do you always go along with what she wants? Do you ever stand up for yourself? Does she wear the pants in the relationship? Do you always agree with her? Have her interests become your interests? Do you do your own thing by yourself or with your friends? Are you giving more than she is?

 

Your relationshp with her is at the make or break point. She probably loves you, but is deciding how much she loves you and whether or not she is in it for the long haul, given what she perceives to be your flaws and annoyances. I think your best bet for now is to give her the space she obviously needs to decide. You can obviously still see her and talk to her, but you should pull back.

 

Hm. At this point it basically sounds like I'm fighting a losing battle and should just cut my loses now. Although she's pretty independent enough where I feel like she would just tell me on her own and not drag it out. Basically what she did to me three months in after telling me I need to reevulate my career.

 

As far as the doormat thing, I like to think I'm pretty easy going. I pick my battles and for the most part, let the person say what they want to say and we move on. It honestly takes a lot for me to in a sense "stand up for myself"- but not in way where I'm saying things like 'you're right, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again-" and so on. I know sometimes I can be around her too much, if I visit her at work. But... some days she gives me a look if I'm leaving "too soon" and other times it's "you're really still here?" at that point I tell her see ya and get a hold of me later.

 

...but I have in certain cases. Especially our last talk when I pretty much told her that I don't come with a crystal ball in this relationship, so if she wants to be an adult and speak to me about what's bothering her, then she ought to. That she doesn't have any right to crack about my sexuality in the most non productive way possible, or really, have any right to talk to me that the way that she does. I added that we should probably split both ways after that comment and she told me that she didn't want to do anything like that. I don't think I always want to do what she wants to do- she has a handful of friends around here and when she says she's gonna go out with them, I tell her to have fun and get a hold of me later, unles she invites me.

 

We almost always do our own thing, so.. who knows. Probably an element of truth of what you're saying.

 

I do know the 6th month thing and it makes sense, but I've never had it been so abrupt before. Literally in less then 12 hours we go from good times to completely hating the world and being unnecessarily confrontational. Then back to good time and then back again. I know people get moody, but jesus.

 

Anyway, I'll give her 10x more space than usual. Thanks!

Edited April 8, 2013 by sigurpol

[sigurpol]

Providing another update since I have the time: We planned on getting lunch the other day and I picked her up from work. Things were fine, our usual selves. We got a table and talked about our day, whatever.

 

She brought things up first and from then, I decided to lay everything out. I pretty much explained everything I've said here: I feel like I'm having to reinvent myself, I try to flirt/make up for sex but it never seems to go over, I miss what we used to do, I feel like you don't have feelings for me anymore, and I never know what's going on since we don't talk much. She agreed.

I did ask her about her gay friend sending me a picture of himself and if that had to do with the fact that she thought I was gay. Her answer was, yeah, she told him about me and thought I was gay so they decided to send me a picture of him. I responded with "that's not cool. At all"- She gave me a look like she was in the wrong and responded with, "I won't disagree, but you seemed to be perfectly okay with not having sex with me. It's all I think about"

 

I did almost all of the talking and kept pausing to see if she wanted to add anything. I feel like most of the responses I go were "I don't know, Hmph" or shrugs. I said I didn't want to break up and she said she hadn't thought about doing that with me. She added that she thinks every now and again if it was a good idea to be with someone because she's so busy.

The conversation got a little more light but on the way out to my car, I tried to put my arm around her. She didn't respond. I asked if her food was good, she sort of responded. And in the car, I tried to hold her hand but it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

Again, I brought stuff up again asking if there was anything else since we needed to lay some things out. I may have been blaming her or somehting, but I said I felt like it was good to get some feelings out there but right now I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. She says she feels like there isn't any romance between us anymore and that she feels like it's going to be weird if we ever get physical again because it would have been so long at this point.

 

Once we got back to her car, she huffs out "well, I guess I'll see ya" and I said she can't leave my car saying something like that. if she wants to say anything else, please tell me. I told her I've said everything I've wanted to. She doesn't say anything and it's quiet for a while until I mention that I need to do some thinking. She asks about what and I said about us, especially because it feels like she wants to end this now with me.

 

"I don't know WHAT to think about us anymore" she says. Eventually she kissed me on the cheek and left my car, telling me she'd "cya later"

 

She did call me about an hour later, saying that her job is making stress between us that doens't need to be there. So she thinks once she puts in her two weeks, that will be better (this is only a part time retail job that she doesn't really need, not a huge adjustment)- Eventually she asked if she could see me, so I went over. Back to the apologies and laying with one another. As I left that night she said this was much needed time for us and I said we should do this soon, please, haha.

 

But even after that night, things just seem distant again. She got a chance to see her friends last night which she never does and I told her to have a good time because it's been a while for her. She said to text her later, which I did. Just telling her what I was up to and that I hope she's having a good time with her friends. Her response was "oh my"- not sure what even means.

 

Shes going to see her friends again tonight and again, I'm telling her to go have fun. That thing doesn't bother me at all, I want her to see her friends. I jsut feel like we're doing the distance thing again until we have another fight

[Almond_Joy]

I skimmed through a couple of posts in the middle, so my apologies before hand if I misunderstand anything.

 

First off, I think your girl needs to get laid more often. Sex seems very important to her, and if she's anything like me, she suffers when she goes without. People can get to thinking all kinds of crazy things when they have a sex drive that's not being met lol (ie that you're gay or don't want to have sex). Just read my earlier thread on the issue. I love my bf to pieces and you see where my mind took me anyway, primarily because of a lack of sex/intimacy.

 

If both of you have a matching sex drives, is there anyway you guys can get together more often? Maybe save some money and get a hotel room? Or go camping on the weekends? Doesn't do much for the Monday - Friday but that may help. And your initiative in planning these things may show her that yes you very much DO want to have sex with her . Another thing I just thought of is sexting during the week.

 

Secondly, your gf sounds similar to me in that she has a tendency to bottle up things that are bothering her until she can't contain it and then just explodes at you. The stress from her job's just exacerbating that, which is why her behavior's so erratic. I have to make a consistent effort to check my anger and really assess if I've communicated with my bf beforehand about something that's bothering me. It's not fair of me to explode at him and assume he doesn't care for something he didn't even know is wrong. Your gf needs to understand this. She may assume, like I used to, that you pick up on all her non-verbal cues that she's upset- and that's a mistake on her part also, if so.

 

If you are not aggressive or confrontational by nature I think you need to tell her to just respect that. It doesn't make you a doormat, which is how she's looking at it I think. It is NOT your job to check her anger - which is what it seems she's asking of you when she tells you to argue or talk back to her - and just because you love her doesn't give her the right to lash out at you when she's stressed. I would recommend telling her that although you want to support her, she needs to work on her temper and managing her stress, and to talk to you as soon as something starts to bother her. Tell her to stop holding things in, because it's not helping either one of you.

 

Maybe she thinks the things bothering her are not a big deal or she'll get over it or that she's being unreasonable. These are the things I think when I choose not to share. But all those reasons don't keep the issue from bothering me, from making me angry and resentful. They won't stop it from happening to her either. She has to get it out in the open ASAP and work it out with you regardless of how trivial she thinks it is. I keep going on about bottling things up because I think it's a personality trait or ingrained habit and it's going to take consistent effort and attention over time to keep it from happening. The tendency to keep things in doesn't go away with a few "important talks". You have to work constantly at fighting that tendency and push yourself to share. When I say "you", I mean your gf (and me.)

 

I hope this perspective helps, and keep us updated. Also, just want to reiterate - her job being stressful is no excuse! She's the only one that can do the heavy lifting on making sure she handles conflict in a healthy way. It's not your job to push her to do that.

[Cutiepie1976]

I only skimmed your posts...

 

The best defense is a good offense.

 

What I find especially interesting is your week-long trip. There really were no excuses to not have sex, were there? No overprotective parents. No others who might hear. None of the things she previously used as excuses. So what does she do? She picks a fight while you're buying condoms, storms out of the store, and is too upset to do much of anything sexual because she's angry...if I understand your posts correctly.

 

Same thing when you're home. First her excuse was that she hadn't been coming over to your house because she hadn't realized you were up for sex. Now that you've talked it out and you're clear about it, her response when you invite her over is: I'm not coming over if this is just about sex.

 

The issue isn't her part-time job stressing her or not being able to see her friends or any of the myriad flimsy excuses she has been throwing your way. The issue is, at least as I see it, that she has disengaged. She no longer wants the relationship, but she isn't quite ready to give up all aspects of it just yet. She still wants you as a good friend...from time to time...right now. To her credit, she's getting exactly what she wants. She drives your relationship. You really have no say if you think about it. You're doing all the changing to try and keep the relationship going. She's doing nothing but complaining and making demands.

 

Unfortunately, you can twist yourself into a pretzel all you like. Ten pretzels even. If you do A, she will get angry and ask why you didn't do B. Do B, and it will be another argument about not getting C. Change again, and she'll claim you have no spine, plus she wanted D. She and her friends are just yanking your chain at this point. I mean, let's get real. At month 3 you weren't gay, but now that she's throwing up barriers, distancing herself from you, and doing everything to avoid having sex with you, she's suddenly not sure of your sexual orientation? She'll cuddle but you aren't getting sex no matter what you try to do?

 

Do what you will. Keep trying to change and please since you feel compelled to do so. It's not changing the outcome, except to leave you feeling increasingly broken and confused if you insist on continuing down this path.

Edited April 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[creighton0123]

I'm left thinking whether both of you are in a place in your life where you're able to have a mature, adult relationship. Work stress isn't really all that much of an excuse... we all work and we all get stressed, but you sound like you need someone who doesn't drag that into the relationship or use that as a reason to brush off honest communication about relationship trouble.

 

I agree with the last post. She doesn't want to be in a relationship and doesn't want to be a lone. This might be because she thinks you're gay. To be honest, though, her behavior is exactly how I behaved when I was 23 and.... wait for it... in the closet. maybe she's gay.

 

Either way, you seem beyond the point where the two of you can function as a couple without hitting some form of reset button, especially given her lacking compassion or desire to put any effort into the relationship.

[SJC2008]

I only skimmed your posts...

 

The best defense is a good offense.

 

What I find especially interesting is your week-long trip. There really were no excuses to not have sex, were there? No overprotective parents. No others who might hear. None of the things she previously used as excuses. So what does she do? She picks a fight while you're buying condoms, storms out of the store, and is too upset to do much of anything sexual because she's angry...if I understand your posts correctly.

 

Same thing when you're home. First her excuse was that she hadn't been coming over to your house because she hadn't realized you were up for sex. Now that you've talked it out and you're clear about it, her response when you invite her over is: I'm not coming over if this is just about sex.

 

The issue isn't her part-time job stressing her or not being able to see her friends or any of the myriad flimsy excuses she has been throwing your way. The issue is, at least as I see it, that she has disengaged. She no longer wants the relationship, but she isn't quite ready to give up all aspects of it just yet. She still wants you as a good friend...from time to time...right now. To her credit, she's getting exactly what she wants. She drives your relationship. You really have no say if you think about it. You're doing all the changing to try and keep the relationship going. She's doing nothing but complaining and making demands.

 

Unfortunately, you can twist yourself into a pretzel all you like. Ten pretzels even. If you do A, she will get angry and ask why you didn't do B. Do B, and it will be another argument about not getting C. Change again, and she'll claim you have no spine, plus she wanted D. She and her friends are just yanking your chain at this point. I mean, let's get real. At month 3 you weren't gay, but now that she's throwing up barriers, distancing herself from you, and doing everything to avoid having sex with you, she's suddenly not sure of your sexual orientation? She'll cuddle but you aren't getting sex no matter what you try to do?

 

Do what you will. Keep trying to change and please since you feel compelled to do so. It's not changing the outcome, except to leave you feeling increasingly broken and confused if you insist on continuing down this path.

 

^^^^^ Five stars!

 

This sex situation is a pefect example of the best relationship guideline (IMO): Do the actions match the words? She's complaining of not getting any and bails at a the perfect opportunity to be intimate with you. When actions don't match words something's up.

[KraftDinner]

I don't know what her deal is, but she sounds like a really unpleasant person.

 

Aint nobody got time for that.

[sigurpol]

I think you should just break up with her now, it's almost certain to happen sooner rather than later so the sooner you do it and start moving on the better.

 

You need to learn some things from this relationship though. Firstly, sex. You're both adults, and sex is EXTREMELY important in a healthy relationship. You go away for a week and don't have sex, seriously? You've avoided sex so much to the point that she is questioning your sexuality? Perhaps your sex drives are completely incompatible but it sounds like you haven't had sex in around a month - most girls are going to want it a minimum of like 4-5 times a month and you need to look at addressing that.

 

Secondly, yeah, it sounds like you need to be more assertive and not bending to all of your girlfriends whims. You also need to think about moving out, asap. You're 27, it sucks to be living with your parents in your late twenties and it isn't attractive.

 

And thirdly I think she sounds a bit depressed. That's nothing in itself that you can fix but you knew she was stressed and down about where she lives, and you chose to unload your own worries and concerns on her. When girls are in that state thats not what they want.

 

No I understand, it's a huge piece of the relationship and without it for a while, will bring things down. I don't even consider it a famale-thing but a human thing. A basic need. My drive is, I think at least, the same as hers. My frustration with her is that it never seems to be a good time for her. I don't think I've avoided it? At least I hope not. I was planning for it on our trip but she was the one who got so upset that she decided none of us were having it. Childish behavior.

 

I don't need reminded about the living at home thing. I'm quite aware that it sucks.

[sigurpol]

I skimmed through a couple of posts in the middle, so my apologies before hand if I misunderstand anything.

 

First off, I think your girl needs to get laid more often. Sex seems very important to her, and if she's anything like me, she suffers when she goes without. People can get to thinking all kinds of crazy things when they have a sex drive that's not being met lol (ie that you're gay or don't want to have sex). Just read my earlier thread on the issue. I love my bf to pieces and you see where my mind took me anyway, primarily because of a lack of sex/intimacy.

 

If both of you have a matching sex drives, is there anyway you guys can get together more often? Maybe save some money and get a hotel room? Or go camping on the weekends? Doesn't do much for the Monday - Friday but that may help. And your initiative in planning these things may show her that yes you very much DO want to have sex with her . Another thing I just thought of is sexting during the week.

 

Secondly, your gf sounds similar to me in that she has a tendency to bottle up things that are bothering her until she can't contain it and then just explodes at you. The stress from her job's just exacerbating that, which is why her behavior's so erratic. I have to make a consistent effort to check my anger and really assess if I've communicated with my bf beforehand about something that's bothering me. It's not fair of me to explode at him and assume he doesn't care for something he didn't even know is wrong. Your gf needs to understand this. She may assume, like I used to, that you pick up on all her non-verbal cues that she's upset- and that's a mistake on her part also, if so.

 

If you are not aggressive or confrontational by nature I think you need to tell her to just respect that. It doesn't make you a doormat, which is how she's looking at it I think. It is NOT your job to check her anger - which is what it seems she's asking of you when she tells you to argue or talk back to her - and just because you love her doesn't give her the right to lash out at you when she's stressed. I would recommend telling her that although you want to support her, she needs to work on her temper and managing her stress, and to talk to you as soon as something starts to bother her. Tell her to stop holding things in, because it's not helping either one of you.

 

Maybe she thinks the things bothering her are not a big deal or she'll get over it or that she's being unreasonable. These are the things I think when I choose not to share. But all those reasons don't keep the issue from bothering me, from making me angry and resentful. They won't stop it from happening to her either. She has to get it out in the open ASAP and work it out with you regardless of how trivial she thinks it is. I keep going on about bottling things up because I think it's a personality trait or ingrained habit and it's going to take consistent effort and attention over time to keep it from happening. The tendency to keep things in doesn't go away with a few "important talks". You have to work constantly at fighting that tendency and push yourself to share. When I say "you", I mean your gf (and me.)

 

I hope this perspective helps, and keep us updated. Also, just want to reiterate - her job being stressful is no excuse! She's the only one that can do the heavy lifting on making sure she handles conflict in a healthy way. It's not your job to push her to do that.

 

Ah, thank you! Most insightful and helpful.

 

As I wrote before, I think we have the same drives, I just think I don't let my lack of sex make me think crazy thoughts. It frustrates me, though. Maybe I'll try talking about "going away" again as I did before in the winter. I never ended up planning for it because after I said that I looked into some cabins we could rent for a weekend, her immediate response is, "Hah! Yeah, if I can GET a day off. We'll see"- Perhaps I could look again and bring it up to her, especially since she's planning to leave one of her jobs soon.

 

I guess I'll follow this into another question. I like having talks and airing out anything that needs to be addressed and well... I thought she used to too. One of the reasons I was attracted to her was that she was so upfront about things right away. But now it seems like I'm always airing out stuff or trying to so I can get her to speak her mind. So I begin to feel like a nuisance or like I'm suffocating her. I don't want to do that to her. I don't know the best way of going on about this!

 

Thanks for understanding that it isn't always my job to check in on her and what shes angry about. AND that she can't use that excuse of being stressed from work. I've pointed out to her before that I'm not a source of stress for her, so don't treat me like one.

[sigurpol]

I only skimmed your posts...

 

The best defense is a good offense.

 

What I find especially interesting is your week-long trip. There really were no excuses to not have sex, were there? No overprotective parents. No others who might hear. None of the things she previously used as excuses. So what does she do? She picks a fight while you're buying condoms, storms out of the store, and is too upset to do much of anything sexual because she's angry...if I understand your posts correctly.

 

Same thing when you're home. First her excuse was that she hadn't been coming over to your house because she hadn't realized you were up for sex. Now that you've talked it out and you're clear about it, her response when you invite her over is: I'm not coming over if this is just about sex.

 

The issue isn't her part-time job stressing her or not being able to see her friends or any of the myriad flimsy excuses she has been throwing your way. The issue is, at least as I see it, that she has disengaged. She no longer wants the relationship, but she isn't quite ready to give up all aspects of it just yet. She still wants you as a good friend...from time to time...right now. To her credit, she's getting exactly what she wants. She drives your relationship. You really have no say if you think about it. You're doing all the changing to try and keep the relationship going. She's doing nothing but complaining and making demands.

 

Unfortunately, you can twist yourself into a pretzel all you like. Ten pretzels even. If you do A, she will get angry and ask why you didn't do B. Do B, and it will be another argument about not getting C. Change again, and she'll claim you have no spine, plus she wanted D. She and her friends are just yanking your chain at this point. I mean, let's get real. At month 3 you weren't gay, but now that she's throwing up barriers, distancing herself from you, and doing everything to avoid having sex with you, she's suddenly not sure of your sexual orientation? She'll cuddle but you aren't getting sex no matter what you try to do?

 

Do what you will. Keep trying to change and please since you feel compelled to do so. It's not changing the outcome, except to leave you feeling increasingly broken and confused if you insist on continuing down this path.

 

Sorry, I'm responding to all of these separately. Haha.

 

I had a well thought out response right as I was about to type this but instead I'll say that what you wrote is painfully real.

[veggirl]

I don't get the sex thing. She knows you guys can't have it at her house but yet refuses to come to yours. How far apart do you live? What is her reasoning behind not wanting to go to your place? Because it's after work...wtf who cares, that's when EVERYONE goes to their partners place!

 

Talking to another guy about how she thinks you are gay is SOOO disrespectful!

She sounds like a spoiled brat, why put up with this?

[Minneloa]

OP, this sounds like a painful situation in which you are constantly being criticized, insulted, and rejected. With all due respect, what are you getting out of this relationship?

[Cutiepie1976]

No I understand, it's a huge piece of the relationship and without it for a while, will bring things down. I don't even consider it a famale-thing but a human thing. A basic need. My drive is, I think at least, the same as hers. My frustration with her is that it never seems to be a good time for her. I don't think I've avoided it? At least I hope not. I was planning for it on our trip but she was the one who got so upset that she decided none of us were having it. Childish behavior.

I don't need reminded about the living at home thing. I'm quite aware that it sucks.

 

Look, I know this is a difficult situation for you. I feel for you. But please reflect on what is happening. You also mentioned that she used to be open and upfront in conversation. She no longer is.

 

You tried to plan another trip down the road, and she basically shot that down by saying she's not getting a day off from work. Isn't this the part-time job that she's quitting? How many months does it take to quit a part-time job anyway?

 

Her behavior and actions are very upfront and honest BTW. You simply need to pay attention and accept it. ...Or keep beating your head against the wall as you are. Either way, same outcome. You're just battered, bruised, hurt and the worse for wear if you persist with the approach you have selected. She'll continue along without a concern.

[Cutiepie1976]

Good luck BTW. You sound like a nice guy and a boyfriend who really tries. You deserve way better than the treatment you're allowing. Hopefully, you'll see that and move on to someone who treats you as well as you treat her.

[todreaminblue]

So I guess I have a few questions rolled into one. I'll do my best to explain,

My girlfriend and I have been together over six months and it's been pretty fantastic. We did however have a bit of an issue back in December when she sort of came out of nowhere with a bunch of complaints about me (how I should have a better job, should have more careers lined up because I was graduating, should be moving out of my family's house), but since then, things have been very nice.

 

To give some highs and not come off as a downer, in the past month I've been going over her place almost everyday, met her parents and most of her family, and we try to go out on the weekend to different diners to eat. Usual stuff. A few weeks ago she got me a card that said something about how she's been super happy with me and can't wait for our future. Yay. This week we have a trip booked to go out of town for a few days and we're both pretty amped about it.

 

However, this past week or so... I don't know. All of a sudden I got some vibes that she was unhappy with me. We don't have sex as much as we would like, both living at home (her parents are pretty protective, so we can barely do anything when I'm over, but my portion of my home is big enough. I invite her over but she's either really busy or something). It's nothing where one of us deny the other person. The no-sex thing bothers the both of us and it's been a long time, so I'm afraid its making her unhappy.

 

We 'celebrated' our six months the other day. We both worked but she texted me that morning to tell me. We're not anniversary people (she especially isn't) so I was surprised to see her tell me that. I ended up bringing her some of her favorite foods for dinner at the end of her shift and we got drinks afterward. Aside from our little milestone, neither of us have ventured into the "L-Word". Again, I feel like not having said it might make her feel like we aren't going anywhere? Although I do want to say it, I'm just insanely worried it won't go over well.

 

But again, this past week... I feel like I've barely seen my girlfriend. I feel like our phone conversations are awkward. Although she did tell me before this past weekend that next week before our trip, she's gonna be really busy.

I had a really bad day the other day and laid a lot out to her, how I feel like a bad person/boyfriend for still not getting a better job, although I apply to ones day in and day out. About how I'm generally upset about myself and a lot of other things lately and was a little concerned about us. She got really concerned and told me I should't feel that way and things will be, as she promised, okay. And that I have her. This made me feel better.

 

We still talk about our trip this week, which is nice. She's told me about the stuff that she got for our trip, but all day again today... I felt like we've been growing apart, or shes distancing herself. Or is this normal after 6 months? Haha.

 

Normally she calls me before she goes to bed but tonight.. nothing. I called her and said goodnight and that I missed her today. She said she knew but "at least we'll see a lot of each other at the end of this week. So there's that"

 

So yea, maybe I'm reading too much into things? Should I be doing something?

 

 

 

I think she is just busy and has tried to reassure you...if a woman tells you everything is going to be ok and you have her....believe it.....best wishes....deb

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I've learned to stop analyzing everything so much.

 

There's no need for a novel of advice.

 

The bottom line is that this girl clearly does not respect you. I know you're very (understandably) emotionally invested, but that's grounds enough for a breakup.

 

Go find someone that does respect you.