mmsr1992 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Extremely loooong story short.. My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me over a month ago. He was going through a extremely stressed out time at university, he was very unsure of what was going on with his life and future. We were fine one day (even planning a trip for the summer together) and the next day he broke up with me. He said he felt we were growing apart and that we just don't get along. We hadn't been fighting at all lately so he kept bringing up some bigger fights of ours from 6 months ago, a year ago, even 2 years ago. When I met up with him a week later to talk, he was full of a million excuses on why we didn't work. Every question I asked him was answered with a denial or a "i dont know". A couple days later we were texting again about our relationship. He told me "move on. but don't get mad if I come crawling back in a few months. thats all im saying". What does this mean? We've gone extremely LC...talked twice briefly on texts in the last 3 weeks. He was nice, but seemed a little distant. Ive made steps on moving on...removed all pictures and things that remind me of him, deleted his number from my phone so I won't contact him. But that comment he made keeps haunting me...
Foxy Brown Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I don't know if this will help or not. As a college student who is about to graduate in 2 months, I can understand what your ex is going through. My stress from school negatively affected my relationships (friends and family), as I was questioning things all the time. I wasn't sure what I wanted out of life anymore and felt very insecure. This might be what your ex is experiencing. When facing a major life change, sometimes you end up questioning everything. You've said he was unsure of his future and of his life. He might be questioning his existence right now, you know? It sounds to me like he's very insecure and doesn't know what he wants. It's not an excuse, but it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.
Author mmsr1992 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I also understand as I am a university student...but I also can't see myself throwing away our relationship because of that stress. But I know everyone is different... To complicate the whole thing, he goes to school 7 hours away. The long distance was no problem for us, we saw each other every 3 weeks usually and skyped daily. But when all the stress came up he was worried about having to drop a prereq which would mean staying out there a whole semester longer then planned. I reacted very negatively to that information & i dont think that helped the whole matter..
Foxy Brown Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Yes, I agree. If the relationship were important enough, he would hold onto it and try to find a way to work through the stress while still maintaining your relationship. By bringing up past fights, he might be looking for excuses to give up. It sounds like you're trying to move on. If he does come "crawling back," as he said, would you try again with him?
Author mmsr1992 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I was thinking he was looking for excuses as well. If we were fighting everyday for the last month before the breakup I would understand, but we weren't. Like I said it was just all completely out of no where. Fights that happened forever ago that were about trivial things just don't make sense... I am trying hard to move on, but I still think about him constantly and wonder about the breakup because it still doesn't make sense to me. Honestly, it all depends on the circumstances and timing. If I haven't moved on I would be open to getting back together, but he needs to be honest about everything that contributed and led to the breakup. And actually want to work on any issues he felt there was in the relationship. He actually told me he was feeling unsure about us for the last year and a half, but I think he was possibly just being dramatic. He never ever once mentioned he was feeling unsure or iffy or whatever. And when he moved for school 8 months ago, if he was feeling unsure that would have been the easiest way out for him ever. He knew how upset I was when I left and long distance is a lot of work to keep a relationship going and maintained. Just doesn't add up to me.
Foxy Brown Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Wait, what? He was unsure for a year and a half? And he never said anything about it before? It totally sounds like he's trying to find excuses for things to fail. It sounds like there wasn't much communication on his part. I think you should live your life, focus on your education and your well-being. It's understandable that stress affects people in different ways, but you can't can't wait around for him to make his mind up. I can't read minds, but I think he's insecure and doesn't know what he wants out of life, which is why he's being so wishy-washy and contradicting himself ("move on but I will come crawling back to you").
Author mmsr1992 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) No he never, ever once said anything about it. I told him that and he insisted he did, but he really didn't. I reminded him that once in awhile I would ask him if he thought things were going okay, & if he was happy. And he would always say things like "of course I am, don't ask silly questions". When I reminded him of that he said "well you only asked that during the happy times". To make things even better... he said we are too different. When I asked why he said 'uhm well we are different in some ways thats what i meant. i like sports and you dont, i like hunting and you dont, you love small dogs and i hate them. Things like that". K seriously? Like he didn't know that 3 years ago. I told him that there are some things you can do with your girlfriend, & others you can go do with your buddies. I reminded him that I compromise and go fishing with him, and even went grouse hunting with him a couple times to keep him company. And just because I like small dogs doesnt mean i hate big dogs. And he said "I was answering your question not looking for solutions". I think you are right, to me it also sounds like he is stressed and trying to find excuses. I was visiting him 2 weeks before the breakup & everything was 100% normal. You would think if we were "growing apart" I would have noticed something off. Edited March 18, 2013 by mmsr1992
Foxy Brown Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I think he told you exactly what was going on when he said he wasn't looking for solutions. What I've gleaned from your posts is that you've been flexible and communicative, while he's been just the opposite. He's focusing on silly things, like past arguments and lame differences like dog sizes. You can only do so much; a relationship that's one-sided is not worth it. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would be stoked to have a lady who goes hunting and fishing with them, and would appreciate that. This guy doesn't know what he wants and doesn't appreciate what he had. You can do better!
Author mmsr1992 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Thanks Foxy. =) I know what your saying is all true & that's why I've made those steps in moving on. But its so hard when your together almost 3 years & the breakup was so out of the blue. Like I said I was haunted by that crawling back comment, so I asked him about it 2 weeks after we broke up. I told him he was contradicting himself & that I cant move on and wait at the same time & he said "no just move on". I asked him if he was that happy without me and why he was saying that crawling back comment and he said "no no im confused" and I said "why? You dont know what you want?" and he said something like "no you just keep questioning me. I can't say there wont be a chance for us. There could be or could not be". At that point I know my efforts were futile and gave up talking about the relationship completely. Our 2 small conversations since then were just chit chat.
2sunny Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'd be concerned that he's not a guy who bonds with his partner in a healthy way to face challenging times TOGETHER - and get through those times. The fact that he shut you out is not a good sign. The fact that he also placed you in a position to come running back is even more troublesome. What are you -his security net? That sucks! 1
Foxy Brown Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Of course it's hard and you will probably have some bad days ahead of you, but just realize that things will get better over time. He's too indecisive and unwilling to try. Maybe you should completely stop talking to him, so you can move on. He has no right to keep sending you little mixed signals while keeping you waiting. He either wants to work things out or not, but all this wavering is unacceptable. Drop the guy and let him be indecisive on his own and see where that gets him in life. He already gave up one good thing. Be strong, keep yourself busy, focus on your schooling. You can and will do it! 1
Author mmsr1992 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Agreed...after so much time together. If it is just stress and pressure, etc. why not just say so? Why make up a million and one excuses??
Foxy Brown Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Knowing the details and reasons wouldn't make any difference. He's shown you where he stands, in limbo. If you knew why, would that change anything? Probably not. I know you invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions into this relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that he has no idea what he wants. Try to stop thinking about it (waaaaay easier said than done, I know) and figuring things out. Now you need to pour all your energy into yourself and into making yourself happy and successful. I promise you that life goes on, and you will find bigger and better things. It's tough right now and you're entitled to feel everything you're feeling. Just don't dwell or get stuck in your emotions. Don't let him bring you down on his way to the bottom. He's not willing to invest the same amount of energy into things as you are, so that tells you how important the relationship was to him. Stay strong! 1
Recommended Posts