henderson14 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 My younger brother is in his 20's, but has never been in a serious relationship until now. The girl is 5 years older than him and their relationship started in a non-conventional way. It was a one night stand and she was texting me to hang out the next day (he lived a few hours away). This girl has serious red flags and issues, but my brother has always been clueless with women and relationships. She acts bizarrely and promiscuous in public. One time she licked my hand while the 3 of us were out because I didn't lick it for a tequila shot. She flirts and get uncomforably close to me and some of my friends she has met. Last night she slapped a random guys ass in the group I was in who was married on her way out the door. My brother didn't see it and I didnt mention it. That same night she tried to get my brother to leave the bar without paying because they were taking a long time. She got kicked out of a bar for trying to steel a beer. These are things my brother would never do. They just moved in together after 6 months of dating. She is also divorced. I don't really want to get involved, but the slapping another guy on the ass thing and my other friends opinion are making it hard for me to hold in. I've tried not to jump to negative conclusions, but my negative views of her are being further reinfoced the more i get to know about her. My friends agreed. I guess my main issue is do I hide these things from my brother or let him know? Him and my parents have asked, and I just gave neutral responses. But, I feel like i've been throwing him indirect hints about my opinion about her. Kind of like a lack of an opinion means bad opinion.
miss_jaclynrae Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 My younger brother is in his 20's, but has never been in a serious relationship until now. The girl is 5 years older than him and their relationship started in a non-conventional way. It was a one night stand and she was texting me to hang out the next day (he lived a few hours away). This girl has serious red flags and issues, but my brother has always been clueless with women and relationships. She acts bizarrely and promiscuous in public. One time she licked my hand while the 3 of us were out because I didn't lick it for a tequila shot. She flirts and get uncomforably close to me and some of my friends she has met. Last night she slapped a random guys ass in the group I was in who was married on her way out the door. My brother didn't see it and I didnt mention it. That same night she tried to get my brother to leave the bar without paying because they were taking a long time. She got kicked out of a bar for trying to steel a beer. These are things my brother would never do. They just moved in together after 6 months of dating. She is also divorced. I don't really want to get involved, but the slapping another guy on the ass thing and my other friends opinion are making it hard for me to hold in. I've tried not to jump to negative conclusions, but my negative views of her are being further reinfoced the more i get to know about her. My friends agreed. I guess my main issue is do I hide these things from my brother or let him know? Him and my parents have asked, and I just gave neutral responses. But, I feel like i've been throwing him indirect hints about my opinion about her. Kind of like a lack of an opinion means bad opinion. Depends on the relationship with your brother? I always told my parents what I thought of my brothers GF and him as well, although I was a bit more fragile about things I didn't like about her. Im really close with my brother though.
Author henderson14 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Depends on the relationship with your brother? I always told my parents what I thought of my brothers GF and him as well, although I was a bit more fragile about things I didn't like about her. Im really close with my brother though. We are close. I'm just feeling like mentioning these things to my parents is too much. I don't want them to disapprove of her and then anger him and cause tensions between them. We have always hidden personal things from our parents and just have this code about not revealing big information to them behind each others backs
veggirl Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 You should tell him but be prepared for him to get defensive/upset. Still, at least you'll have put the info out there.
RachR Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I think you should talk to your brother. I mean, that's your brother. Did he see her lick your hand by the way?
salparadise Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) This is a no-win situation for you. If you tell him that you disapprove, it's more likely to drive a wedge between you and your brother than between him and the girl. If he ends up rejecting your opinion and staying with her, there is likely to always be an uncomfortable tension and his awareness of your disapproval would probably affect your relationship with him. The only time I think it would be appropriate to express your concern is if he himself the one reexamining his situation, and if he explicitly asks for your honest opinion in such a way that you know he is seriously seeking your counsel as opposed to validation or acceptance. It's simply not your place to try and create dissatisfaction in his relationship. I would also suggest not try to express this in subtle ways. And even if he end up breaking up with her, it would be best to be affirming of him without being critical of her. It's his life and his girlfriend. It's quite presumptuous to assume that your opinion of her is more important than his. Edited March 18, 2013 by salparadise 1
ls32ssibm Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 You can't save people from themselves; trying to break them up will only create bitterness towards you. Personal experience. 1
AverageCat Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) Talk to him. Once, clearly, confidently. Don't beat around the bush. EDIT: And try to put yourself in his place. I.e. What I would try to do is state that it is hard for him to let go of someone so close and so comfortable, because it's a risk (i.e. you'll never know if he'll find someone better, which is exactly what a 20yo thinks)... but he'll see that in the long run it will be a ton better for him. It will just take a little courage at first. Edited March 18, 2013 by AverageCat
Author henderson14 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 You can't save people from themselves; trying to break them up will only create bitterness towards you. Personal experience. I'm not necessarily trying to break them up. I'm just wanting him to be fully aware of what he is getting himself into. I guess if he is OK with what me and others who have met her think and have witnessed, then that is OK.
Author henderson14 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 This is a no-win situation for you. If you tell him that you disapprove, it's more likely to drive a wedge between you and your brother than between him and the girl. If he ends up rejecting your opinion and staying with her, there is likely to always be an uncomfortable tension and his awareness of your disapproval would probably affect your relationship with him. The only time I think it would be appropriate to express your concern is if he himself the one reexamining his situation, and if he explicitly asks for your honest opinion in such a way that you know he is seriously seeking your counsel as opposed to validation or acceptance. It's simply not your place to try and create dissatisfaction in his relationship. I would also suggest not try to express this in subtle ways. And even if he end up breaking up with her, it would be best to be affirming of him without being critical of her. It's his life and his girlfriend. It's quite presumptuous to assume that your opinion of her is more important than his. I agree with your approach. But what if I don't express disapproval, rather I just inform him about her behaviors like slapping the guys butt and making my friends uncomfortable?
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