Toddbt12y1 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Some people cannot see the answers in front of them so clearly. Some people require a personal contact, in-which they can feel some connection to, through their pain. I suspect she is a lot like me. Destroyed, Na49, even Sing: You are all similar. Stories are different, but you are all the same. You seek answers, and thus get them; and then ask for the same answers. I know why. Tara, some people find great comfort in the answer: Even if it is an answer they have already asked. I was once like this. I would ask the same questions, for the same answers: Perhaps worded differently, but the same answers. I took comfort in knowing these answers; not so much in anything else. It is a type of self-imprisonment....What I mean by that is: You are filled with joy, for a time, relieved by an answer; but that same set of constant answers keeps one held to the same problems.... I am starting to believe it is a more common stage to a break-up, then anything else.. 2
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Destroyed, you're sending PM's to Todd, and you're sending them to me. But I'm saying nothing different here on forum than I'm saying in PM's.... I suspect Todd is similarly inclined. I often wonder what prompts members to send PM's when really, they have all the answers already, on Forum, from many and varied members, all saying the same thing, and in these PM exchanges, there is no change at all.... Do such contacts expect a different response? What is it they seek in PM contact? I dunno. Sincerely, and curiously, it puzzles me.... I guess I am looking for an answer that noone can possibly give me...I am looking for closure...the real reason to why she dumped me. It keeps me up at night sometimes because I always need to fit things in some type of logical structure. I want to put the pieces of the puzzle together and I feel maybe different people can give me the missing pieces...idk... My therapist says that I should treat the situation as if I was with a retarded person. What happens when you ask a retarded person to act normal? It doesn't compute to them, they do not understand what you are asking, so what do they do ? They run away....just like my ex did. 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I guess I am looking for an answer that noone can possibly give me...I am looking for closure...the real reason to why she dumped me. It keeps me up at night sometimes because I always need to fit things in some type of logical structure. I want to put the pieces of the puzzle together and I feel maybe different people can give me the missing pieces...idk... My therapist says that I should treat the situation as if I was with a retarded person. What happens when you ask a retarded person to act normal? It doesn't compute to them, they do not understand what you are asking, so what do they do ? They run away....just like my ex did. The answers are given already; she is selfish. She is acting out of selfishness. Sometimes, it isn't the fact that no-one can provide the answer: Just we aren't willing to yet see that answer, though it ever is there. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 You're desperately looking for that 'wake up call', that 'ahaaaah! moment' when something finally clicks, I guess..... And you hope an interaction with just one person will bring that moment. I wish i could do that for you. I wish i could be that person for you.... But Closure, as I'm sure you have by now realised, doesn't come from an outside source, because the only one who can really bring this to a close - is you.... Closure is what you create, through acceptance. You accept, even if it is with a heavy heart, that there is no going back, no second chance. You need to face facts and confront the unhappy and uncomfortable truth: Time to close the door, and without looking wistfully back, move on. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 You're desperately looking for that 'wake up call', that 'ahaaaah! moment' when something finally clicks, I guess..... And you hope an interaction with just one person will bring that moment. I wish i could do that for you. I wish i could be that person for you.... But Closure, as I'm sure you have by now realised, doesn't come from an outside source, because the only one who can really bring this to a close - is you.... Closure is what you create, through acceptance. You accept, even if it is with a heavy heart, that there is no going back, no second chance. You need to face facts and confront the unhappy and uncomfortable truth: Time to close the door, and without looking wistfully back, move on. Yes, I need to stop this obsessing. It has been too long. I can't do this anymore, I just can't, its so stressful. I try to analyze every sentence, word, symbol, punctuation she writes me...as if I will find something something that will give me answers and maybe a hint that yes, she did really love me at some point and maybe she still does? But my gut always told me that her love was selfish. My therapist has always called her a narcissist. And funny that strangers on here, without even knowing the fine details, can immediately see that she IS selfish and her love was selfish. You have to understand that I was gaslighted a lot by her...she made me doubt my own senses and mind. I guess these are the after-effects and sometimes we need others to confirm what we always knew to be true deep inside of us so that we can start trusting ourselves again. Thanks everyone Again! We will get through this soon enough!
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I understand what it is like to be gaslighted. I know what it means, to have your hopes constantly raised, and then dashed, and raised, and dashed. Yes, you all will. Life is a continual growth; grow off each others' strengths, and subdue each others' weaknesses. We are always here, aren't we? Willing to answer the call, even if we answered it already. With an understanding heart, even if that heart is unwise, we will be here, and ready to understand: In that, LS fulfills it's ultimate purpose: Helping those, who have no other options. We are here, and we are ready to always serve.
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I understand what it is like to be gaslighted. I know what it means, to have your hopes constantly raised, and then dashed, and raised, and dashed. Yes, you all will. Life is a continual growth; grow off each others' strengths, and subdue each others' weaknesses. We are always here, aren't we? Willing to answer the call, even if we answered it already. With an understanding heart, even if that heart is unwise, we will be here, and ready to understand: In that, LS fulfills it's ultimate purpose: Helping those, who have no other options. We are here, and we are ready to always serve. Thanks Todd, you always write so eloquently. You have been there for me a lot lately. I am glad your on here sharing insight into breakups and drawing from your own past BU experience with that woman that put you through hell. I have learned more from this one breakup, than I ever had in all my past relationships. You are a lifesaver and so is everyone on here that cares enough to reply to people in desperate dark moments like these. LS=lifesavers. I think if I had not stumbled on to this site this process would of taken so much longer and would have been way more painful....damn what did people do in the 80's? Life was hard back then, lol 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 The thing YOU need to do, is to quit probing and over-thinking. She has made it clear to you that she wants you to keep in touch with her because she loves you - but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. What does this tell me? This tells me that she likes the feeling of your affection - but because it makes her feel good, not because of what it does for both of you. It's selfish. She wants you around to make herself feel good. So quit asking questions you want a different answer to. This is not a 'getting back together' ploy. This is as big a signal as you could ever hope to hear that it is definitely time to go Full NO CONTACT. PERIOD. I can't stop reading this response...pretty much sums up my whole relationship. I think this is as close to closure as I will get. I am beginning to realize I was just food to an emotional vampire...she never loved me, all lies...she just wanted her last meal, her last bite. She can go bite someone else. Tired of it all. I would love to send her this as if I was saying it.
stevie_23 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 You can get along SO MUCH better as friends than you can in a relationship sometimes. My best friend and I are like this. In a relationship (for 4 years, after being best friends for 4 years prior) we fought EVERY SINGLE DAY. We had different expectations for what we wanted and needed from each other in the relationship and we couldn’t fulfill those for each other. We were not compatible in some very important aspects required for our happiness in the relationship. She wanted kids. I did not ever want kids. She was very social and liked to go out a lot. I did not. And so on, and so on. As friends, those things didn’t matter. We could just enjoy the good parts of our relationship as friends, instead of having all those unmet expectations and pressures and negative parts of being together in a relationship. Did you ever hear couples say that they had a better “relationship” AFTER they got divorced? Sometimes, ironically, it fixes everything. And SOMETIMES people in that situation get a bit forgetful as to the bad parts of the relationship once it’s over and they’re good friends later on, and try to get back together again, because they’re getting on so well (as friends)! But anyway, in YOUR case, I don't know. You'd have to ask her. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 You can get along SO MUCH better as friends than you can in a relationship sometimes. My best friend and I are like this. In a relationship (for 4 years, after being best friends for 4 years prior) we fought EVERY SINGLE DAY. We had different expectations for what we wanted and needed from each other in the relationship and we couldn’t fulfill those for each other. We were not compatible in some very important aspects required for our happiness in the relationship. She wanted kids. I did not ever want kids. She was very social and liked to go out a lot. I did not. And so on, and so on. As friends, those things didn’t matter. We could just enjoy the good parts of our relationship as friends, instead of having all those unmet expectations and pressures and negative parts of being together in a relationship. Did you ever hear couples say that they had a better “relationship” AFTER they got divorced? Sometimes, ironically, it fixes everything. And SOMETIMES people in that situation get a bit forgetful as to the bad parts of the relationship once it’s over and they’re good friends later on, and try to get back together again, because they’re getting on so well (as friends)! But anyway, in YOUR case, I don't know. You'd have to ask her. Well, I can't be her friend, I just can't do it, and definitely not now. My gut tells me she is a fake and she spews out lies to get what she wants and right now its a friendship. So she can enjoy me without committing to me. Have you ever had someone that told you they 'loved you', but you felt like it was empty words? This is how I feel whenever this girl opens her mouth, textes or emails.... I don't know if you ever got my PM....I would like to give you more detail.
stevie_23 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I did get your PM...I wrote back! I'm interested as to why you feel her words are empty... I do understand if you can't be friends though. In that case, then don't. Just ignore her. Tell her you have no interest in being friends - you have enough friends and don't need her as one.
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