destroyed4sho Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I have been trying to analyze the reason why my ex wants to be "friends". Keep thi king that of her reason for breaking up with me was that we didnt get along....then why the hell would she want to be friends with someone that she doesnt get along with?? Does anyone think that the excuse she gave me was just that an excuse?? A lie? And that the real reason may not have to do with our actual relationship/me? I remember when i started to fall out of.love with someone it was bc i didnt find them attractive anymore. But i still wanted to be friends with them. It didnt have to do with our relationship...so friends was the next best thing. I just feel that if its something that i did that hurt.her or that turned her off then.why would she want to be friends with me if i am so bad?? *and she really does want to be friends with me...she didnt say that out of politeness...this is months later after bu.
singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Well all I can tell you is that the one time that I was the dumper, I didn't want to be friends, in fact I didn't want any contact at all. So if she's pushing for friendship she might be trying to ensure that you stay in her life. Just my opinion though. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 But thats just it....why would she still want me in her life if her excuse for breakup was that we dont get along?... Just some background...we did argue often mostly bc if i said that something hurt me she would get mad at me even if the initial thing she did was wrong. She would.never apologize or show any remorse for anything and was incapable of solving any issues. So why would she want to be friends??!!
cavalier99 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Well. As you know it is generally an ego thing, i don't think she REALLY wants to be friends. I think she want you to SAY it is ok that you are friends. That mean like catch up every so often and have her dump her problems on you. Best you avoid this and avoid thinking about why she wants this. Cav 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 No she is not regretting......she said she doesnt want to get back together :-) ..guess it doesnt get more clear than that....lol
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 It is a ploy. Why not? Something does not work-out for them, either days, or weeks or months or even years...They come back. They know you will be there. Why are you conflicted over a girl, that has manipulated you before? Quit being a willing pawn to your own self-destruction, and ignore the devil's call. It isn't worth being their friend either. They treated you in second-place, in the most intimate fashion, so why not as friends? 3
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 No she is not regretting......she said she doesnt want to get back together :-) ..guess it doesnt get more clear than that....lol I never received your PM - but I got the PM asking me whether I'#d received your PM - twice! In any case, simply stay No Contact, respond to nothing and just let her yell in the wind. It's never a question about what they're doing and why. There's no point asking. The only thing to decide is what you do as a consequence. And what you do, is to solidly and unequivocally maintain NC. Sorted. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Well. As you know it is generally an ego thing, i don't think she REALLY wants to be friends. I think she want you to SAY it is ok that you are friends. That mean like catch up every so often and have her dump her problems on you. Best you avoid this and avoid thinking about why she wants this. Cav I cant help it. :-( I get what ur saying. you but she said she wants to be friends months after breakup and asked if we could meet up and some stuff we can do together. However she made it clear she doesnt want to be back. So this cant be a "lets be friends" so we can just act friendly to each other in case we bump into each other type of deal. Right?? Am i missing something here?
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I cant help it. :-( I get what ur saying. you but she said she wants to be friends months after breakup and asked if we could meet up and some stuff we can do together. However she made it clear she doesnt want to be back. So this cant be a "lets be friends" so we can just act friendly to each other in case we bump into each other type of deal. Right?? Am i missing something here? How can you be friends with someone whom you are emotionally attached to this level with?
singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Well it's selfish on her part, but maybe she just misses you. Not enough to be in another relationship but misses you as a person. I'm sorry though, I don't buy into the whole guilt thing. I didn't keep my other ex around as a friend after I dumped him, to make myself not feel guilty.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I cant help it. :-( I get what ur saying. you but she said she wants to be friends months after breakup and asked if we could meet up and some stuff we can do together. However she made it clear she doesnt want to be back. The answer is no, whether it's days, months or years after break up. Simple. So this cant be a "lets be friends" so we can just act friendly to each other in case we bump into each other type of deal. Right?? Am i missing something here? No, she is. All you need to say, is "No dice, go away and leave me alone. For good. period." Don't make this a bigger issue than it needs to be. 'I want to be friends', just needs a one-word answer. Never.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm sorry though, I don't buy into the whole guilt thing. I didn't keep my other ex around as a friend after I dumped him, to make myself not feel guilty. Why DID you keep him around as a friend, then?
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Well it's selfish on her part, but maybe she just misses you. Not enough to be in another relationship but misses you as a person. I'm sorry though, I don't buy into the whole guilt thing. I didn't keep my other ex around as a friend after I dumped him, to make myself not feel guilty. Why did you dump him in the first place? Why did you want to be friends with him after BU?
cavalier99 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I cant help it. :-( I get what ur saying. you but she said she wants to be friends months after breakup and asked if we could meet up and some stuff we can do together. However she made it clear she doesnt want to be back. So this cant be a "lets be friends" so we can just act friendly to each other in case we bump into each other type of deal. Right?? Am i missing something here? Hmmm. NOPE... don't get together. Stay NC. Even if she sincerely wants to hang out some the result is the same. BAD for you OK for her. Your not 100 percent indifferent and she tore your heart out and is having a down moment. So she comes running to you for support. Just this small amount of communication is bad for you. If you want to be her friend in another year when you have a new girl friend go for it. 1
na49 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Dumpers ask to be friends to relieve guilt. Most of the time. She's over whatever pissed her off which is proven by the fact that it's been a month. To her, friendship seems like a good idea. She doesn't want to date you, but she doesn't want to lose you completely either. You'd be a great person for her to talk to about her problems. Basically a free friend, you already know her well and she gets to have you but not have to commit to you in a relationship. It's a great deal! (for her)
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 How can you be friends with someone whom you are emotionally attached to this level with? I can't be friends with her and I told her that it wouldn't be possible right now... But I guess, it is eating away at me as to why she would want to be friends if the "reason" she broke up with me was that we don't get along?? It doesn't make sense to me. I mean she broke up with me over text so not even that reason was ever clear to me or explained.
singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 No you misunderstand. I mean we didn't stay friends. I don't believe that you can dumb someone then say "let's be friends!" because if you don't want them as a romantic partner, why would you want them as just a friend? I think the guilt theory is wrong. If she wants to stay friends it's because she still cares...not guilt.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 It's either guilt, or they still want the attention, without the commitment. They don't want the work of remaining in a relationship they don't want to invest in, but they still like to think they can have the attention and presence of the ex. It is often, though not exclusively, guilt - but it's also mainly very selfish.... 3
na49 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 It's either guilt, or they still want the attention, without the commitment. They don't want the work of remaining in a relationship they don't want to invest in, but they still like to think they can have the attention and presence of the ex. It is often, though not exclusively, guilt - but it's also mainly very selfish.... Pretty much this. They offer friendship and if we accept then hey, we can't be that hurt right? I mean we're still friends with them. lol I feel like Chi. He's always saying that. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I have listened to Destroyed in personal PMs. I will not go into that. Needless to say: Given what knowledge I know of her ex: she manipulated Destroyed. She could have cheated on Destroyed. She hurt her in the worst possible way; didn't show any sign of mercy: She doesn't want friendship. People who do that, aren't interested in friendships. They don't care. They are only interested in the quick fix, that once-before intimate partner provided them and will again. As if someone so cold, could care about being friends months later. Why do you want an Answer? Will the answer settle your emotions? Will it reverse the damage done? The answers you seek are impossible, and yet, they have been in front of your eyes this whole time...Hardly anyone gets the answers they want; if they do, who's to say it isn't a lie? As if someone like her, would tell someone like you the truth to her motives? 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 The thing YOU need to do, is to quit probing and over-thinking. She has made it clear to you that she wants you to keep in touch with her because she loves you - but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. What does this tell me? This tells me that she likes the feeling of your affection - but because it makes her feel good, not because of what it does for both of you. It's selfish. She wants you around to make herself feel good. So quit asking questions you want a different answer to. This is not a 'getting back together' ploy. This is as big a signal as you could ever hope to hear that it is definitely time to go Full NO CONTACT. PERIOD. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 The thing YOU need to do, is to quit probing and over-thinking. She has made it clear to you that she wants you to keep in touch with her because she loves you - but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. What does this tell me? This tells me that she likes the feeling of your affection - but because it makes her feel good, not because of what it does for both of you. It's selfish. She wants you around to make herself feel good. So quit asking questions you want a different answer to. This is not a 'getting back together' ploy. This is as big a signal as you could ever hope to hear that it is definitely time to go Full NO CONTACT. PERIOD. SO DAMN TRUE...the truth hurts.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Destroyed, you're sending PM's to Todd, and you're sending them to me. But I'm saying nothing different here on forum than I'm saying in PM's.... I suspect Todd is similarly inclined. I often wonder what prompts members to send PM's when really, they have all the answers already, on Forum, from many and varied members, all saying the same thing, and in these PM exchanges, there is no change at all.... Do such contacts expect a different response? What is it they seek in PM contact? I dunno. Sincerely, and curiously, it puzzles me....
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 That wasn't a dig or a recrimination. It is genuine curiosity.... But Destroyed, you have to stop wondering, and look to yourself, and what you must do in order to begin healing. You MUST at all costs ignore her, and maintain 'total radio silence'. Fall off her radar and make sure you are as uncontactable as you can be.
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