is he a player or hiding something?

[maestrok]

Couple meant 5 dates over 3 weeks.

[maestrok]

NO.

My god woman.

 

 

 

The point is to just stop. You don't have to explain yourself.

 

sorry if I am being annoyingly ignorant.

I am just hell confused -

[miss_jaclynrae]

Ok, well that is a bit more than just 3 dates.

 

 

 

So how did YOU stop dating the 2nd guy? Or did you never really stop dating him?

You don't make any sense.

[miss_jaclynrae]

sorry if I am being annoyingly ignorant.

I am just hell confused -

 

No, that isn't it.

 

You aren't telling the story well.

I can't give advice if I don't have the right info.

[maestrok]

Ok, well that is a bit more than just 3 dates.

 

 

 

So how did YOU stop dating the 2nd guy? Or did you never really stop dating him?

You don't make any sense.

 

?

I stopped dating the 2nd guy because he is very selfish in many ways (other than the specific example given above) ... and I am not okay with that.

 

I am not sure which part does not make sense?

 

But I was just wondering if I should tell him that I don't want to date him anymore because he is acting selfish. or not.

[miss_jaclynrae]

?

I stopped dating the 2nd guy because he is very selfish in many ways (other than the specific example given above) ... and I am not okay with that.

 

I am not sure which part does not make sense?

 

But I was just wondering if I should tell him that I don't want to date him anymore because he is acting selfish. or not.

 

Since you obviously WANT to tell him that. Just tell him.

No use asking for advice when it is clear what you want to do.

[maestrok]

Since you obviously WANT to tell him that. Just tell him.

No use asking for advice when it is clear what you want to do.

 

I don't have to but I feel like if I were to be rejected, I would at least want to know the reason - maybe I'm wrong.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't have to but I feel like if I were to be rejected, I would at least want to know the reason - maybe I'm wrong.

 

You are saying that if a guy wanted to stop dating you, you would rather him say:

"I think you are too selfish to be with"

 

Rather than just disappear?

[maestrok]

You are saying that if a guy wanted to stop dating you, you would rather him say:

"I think you are too selfish to be with"

 

Rather than just disappear?

 

Yes...? It's just more clear that way -

 

I guess most people prefer others just disappearing?

[curlygirl40]

This one is easy to me. No matter if we are talking about guy #1 or guy #2 or the next guy or whatever.

 

Mirror his actions. If he texts, text back. If he calls, answer or call back. If he asks you out (with notice, not like late at night booty call) then you go out with him (if you still want to and you're free to go out with him). And I mean OUT with him, not back to his place.

 

It's the best strategy when you're not really sure what their intentions are. Just mirror what they do.

 

Your next step is do not get overinvested over if he's going to text or call or ask you out. It's too early in the game to be naming your babies. Relax.

 

Mirror his actions. Don't get overly invested. Have a life that doesn't revolve around whatever they are doing or not doing.

 

Don't consider yourself disrespected. It's the beginning stages of dating. Be cool.

 

If neither of these guys steps it up and shows the signs of a guy who's interested (usually, if you have to ask, then the answer is no), then don't say anything just stop returning their 'I'm bored so I'm gonna say hi to see if she's still on the hook' type of texts. Don't feel the need to say anything to them just move on with your life. You're too busy to take the time to let them know that you care. Silence will tell them all they need to know.

 

You might think that they are disrespecting you but you are actually disrespecting yourself if they are treating you like an option and you allow it.

 

If they are treating you like an option, then you have every right to just stop returning their texts and find someone who will pay more attention to you.

 

Easy.

 

Good luck!!

[curlygirl40]

I don't have to but I feel like if I were to be rejected, I would at least want to know the reason - maybe I'm wrong.

 

The problem with wanting to know the reason is that you will most likely not get the reason. If you demand to know, they might tell you something but I bet that 'something' isn't the real reason.

 

I would let it go.

[Cutiepie1976]

If guy #1 won't communicate with you on weekends, he's probably taken. At any rate, he's not really interested. Especially since he initially rejected you before changing his mind, if he can only return your communications during the week, you're wasting your time.

 

Since guy #2 contacts you last minute to go out, he's not really invested either. You're his backup when whoever he was hoping for flakes. You've been off dating guy#1, and guy #2 hasn't even noticed or commented on your now limited involvement with him. Again, not terribly interested so doesn't care enough to question the fall-off on your end. Toss them both back to sea, and look for a guy who cares. You can do far better than these two.

 

You have to learn to value and respect yourself and your time. Right now, you don't. You jump enthusiastically whenever these guys get bored and want your attention in the moment.

 

Focus instead on guys who are actually excited to date you, don't say "no," plan dates ahead, and are available at least occasionally on a weekend. Do this, and it will be a very different experience, with a lot less confusion, and less struggle to keep the connection going

Edited March 18, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[mortensorchid]

It sounds like he's not too interested in seeing you again. Doesn't matter whether or not he's a player or hiding something. Truth be told, I would be wary if I got a text from someone on a Friday or Saturday night and they were just wanting to "talk", unless it was a weekend where everyone was snowed in and you knew that most everyone was staying in.

[maestrok]

If guy #1 won't communicate with you on weekends, he's probably taken. At any rate, he's not really interested. Especially since he initially rejected you before changing his mind, if he can only return your communications during the week, you're wasting your time.

 

Since guy #2 contacts you last minute to go out, he's not really invested either. You're his backup when whoever he was hoping for flakes. You've been off dating guy#1, and guy #2 hasn't even noticed or commented on your now limited involvement with him. Again, not terribly interested so doesn't care enough to question the fall-off on your end. Toss them both back to sea, and look for a guy who cares. You can do far better than these two.

 

You have to learn to value and respect yourself and your time. Right now, you don't. You jump enthusiastically whenever these guys get bored and want your attention in the moment.

 

Focus instead on guys who are actually excited to date you, don't say "no," plan dates ahead, and are available at least occasionally on a weekend. Do this, and it will be a very different experience, with a lot less confusion, and less struggle to keep the connection going

 

 

Just to clarify -

 

Guy 1 would "return" my communications even on the weekends. But he would not "initiate."

During the week, we text intermittently. We are both busy.

 

Guy 2 would always plan dates a few days ahead. He will never do last minute scheduling with me. Just that he would not tell me his other plans ahead of the time.

 

But, you may be right that to some extent I may have been too enthusiastic..

 

By the way..

 

What is the norm or general expectation, at the beginning of the dating phase, in terms of texting frequency AND date frequency?

[SJC2008]

So let's see, if he tries to get in your pants ASAP he's a player.

If he doesn't try to get into your pants ASAP he's a player.

 

See where i'm going here?

 

You're circumventing her question, are YOU a player?

[2sunny]

A really interested guy will ask ahead of time for a date on fri or sat night. His main squeeze will normally be on Saturday.

[maestrok]

A really interested guy will ask ahead of time for a date on fri or sat night. His main squeeze will normally be on Saturday.

 

So at the beginning, once a week get together is what is normally expected? or more? or less?

[2sunny]

Well, when a guy is totally interested - he tends to want to see me as much as I'll allow.

 

Calling, to me, is important. I text a bunch with most folks - but with someone I'm interested in - I want to hear their voice.

 

And asking ahead for a date that's been planned with effort means a lot.

[salparadise]

So at the beginning, once a week get together is what is normally expected? or more? or less?

 

There may have been a time when convention trumped all else, but I don't necessarily think that's the case in the 21st century, it's more a mid-20th century concept. I have learned, as an older guy dating after being divorced, that it's a bit different with every person.

 

The only convention (of those being discussed) is that I will never call and ask someone out for that same night. 48 hours is preferred, 24 may be acceptable, occasionally. I will often call on Thurs for a date on Saturday without having an exact plan laid out. I don't want to spend the time researching places and setting stuff up until I know I have a date. From my perspective, it's not about whether the plan is good enough for her, it's about whether she wants to go out with me. If she accepts, I will get back to her on Friday or early Saturday with specifics. Of course if it was something more formal I'd allow more lead time. But this seems fine for dinner and a movie or music type of dates.

 

Once a week seems pretty normal early on. As a guy who has to do the planning and paying for dates, it's just too much to try and do all of that for two weekend nights in a row. But if the two people are casual with each other, taking a walk or something easy like that can be done most anytime, and doesn't require 48 hours notice.

 

I do not account for my time to anyone I date. I might mention what I did the night before and not say who I was with. For example, if she mentions a movie I might say, Oh I saw that movie last night, and leave it at that. Sometimes you can tell that she expects you to clarify but it's not necessary. By doing so I'd be sending the wrong message. It's good for her to know I do things other than with her, and it doesn't hurt one bit for her to not have all the blanks filled in. A bit of uncertainty is not a bad thing at all. I assume she has options, she should assume I do as well. It's a two way deal.

 

If I'm interested I will text once a day or every other day, and call once or twice during the week. If she wants more contact than that she can initiate, but I'm not going to send the signal that she's on my mind every minute, whether she is or not. I prefer that initiating contact be reciprocal. There's no rule that says a woman can't send the first text or dial the phone. In fact, I prefer that most things be balanced and reciprocal as opposed to a woman feeling that she had to be passive.