mrpatient Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 This is kind of a long winded story full of ups and downs, as well as huge mistakes, and I'd love a fresh perspective with some good advice. Last summer a met a 19 year-old woman with a beautiful little girl; this was may 30th, 2012. We met online and then in person; we were together june 10th. The beginning ofour relationships, as is typical, was great, full of many memories, trips, laughter, and the beginning of love. We both were skeptical about the relationship due to past scars and thought it would lead no where, but we were wrong.thing were going well and then mistakes were made. We began our relationship june 10; we moved in together by august 2012. Im a graduate student with 3 other roommates and she, I, and her daughter (who was around 6-7 months at the time) were cramped into this tiny space. Once I became super busy with school, fighting and neglect began. We didnt have our own space and my roommates had a huge issue with this. I kept her with me because her mother is abusive and I didn't want her and her daughter in that situation. Regardless of the fighting though, I loved her very much; in november,I proposed to her and she said yes. Sadly, this didn't last long. We kept fighting and I neglected her from being so stressed out with the masters program and making sure everyone else was happy; I had no time for myself to breathe. Eventually she had to move back home and we thought this would help, but stupid me continued the neglect. Eventually it took its toll and she said we needed a "break" starting february 15. Now, im not a firm believer in breaks; either you're together or you're not. Anyways, we didn't talk for about a week and then I found out that she has been going out with a guy on dates every friday, she told me herslef that she had been. She says it's what she needs during the break to help fix herself so that later on down the road we stay together........this sounds like bs to me, just an excuse to see someone else and keep me on the backburner, but from being with her as well and knowing her history, she isn't the type to use and abuse, so im a bit confused. We see each other on and off and I cant help but talk about the relationship as the break is still fresh. I know that If I want her back, talking about the relationship with her and seeing her at this point is probably not a great idea. I know people say NC is usually the way to go, but she and I have stated that if we went NC, we would probably never fix anything (though I find it hard to fix anything when she is dating another man), but it kills me to hear about the new man. I neglected her during the relationship and feel that NC would be a bad idea because she wasnt getting the attention she deserved from me, so it wouldn't be any different really. She stays with me on the weekends and we have a great time, but then dont talk during the week. Is this setup going to friendzone me? How can I get her to come back to me? I've seen what I've done wrong and am working on bettering myself. I really love this woman and miss her, and would love to have her back. How can I make this dream a reality?
Compromize Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 about a week and then I found out that she has been going out with a guy on dates every friday, she told me herslef that she had been. She says it's what she needs during the break to help fix herself so that later on down the road we stay together........this sounds like bs to me, just an excuse to see someone else and keep me on the backburner It's what she needs to fix herself down the road? WTF? This is the point where you get away from this girl. A break means it's broke. She is seeing someone else. That alone shows that she has no interest in "fixing" anything between you and her. What would she say to you if you were doing the same thing? Would she be ok with it, you "fixing yourself" by going out with another woman? I neglected her during the relationship and feel that NC would be a bad idea because she wasnt getting the attention she deserved from me, so it wouldn't be any different really. She stays with me on the weekends and we have a great time, but then dont talk during the week. Is this setup going to friendzone me? You are being used. Plain and simple. She might even be sleeping with this other guy. She is getting all of the attention she ever wanted from both you and him. She is having her cake and eating it too. Go NC for yourself and forget about her. She is showing you no respect in any way. Sorry this may sound harsh man but if she wanted a break to actually work on herself, she wouldn't be seeing someone else. I think breaks are a crock of sh*t anyway. How can you work on a relationship by not being together and not talking? I break is the cowardly way to ease their way out of the relationship by being able to find someone else while keeping the breakee on the back burner slowing cooking to death. I don't think I have ever seen the break scenario played out any other way. Go NC, but do it to get this girl out of your life. You are setting yourself up for massive heartache and who the hell knows what else (STD's?) by accepting being with her and her "dating".
SimonSerenade Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 He's got a point man, this girl is stringing you along and isn't worth your time, she already got you once man, don't let her get you again, don't be a fool twice, go no contact and never break that vow of silence because this bitch will **** you over and over and as much as you'd like to think she'll change and you'll be happy together, it won't happen, some people don't change and sounds to me like she's one of them, be strong and move on and just remember, this happens to everybody, absolutely everybody, even people with looks given to them by the gods, happens to them to so don't feel bad, take some time to yourself, regain your self confidence and get yourself out there and find yourself a nice woman good luck dude
Author mrpatient Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Thank you both for the quick response. I feel like a moron to be honest because I should know better. In my heart I can feel im getting taken for a ride, im just so damn afraid to put my foot down because I feel like I'd be making a mistake. I definitely see your viewpoints and am considering going NC. I don't see how I can ever trust her again anyways because she moved on so quickly. I hate these feelings and just wish I could forget them. 1
Damaged23 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I don't think "breaks" work. I see them as: for some reason im unhappy in the relationship so i want to see if i find something better, but if I don't I still have you waiting for me. I, personally would try to fix whatever is wrong in the relationship, together, not go out there, start dating some other guy. I think she is using you, like they have said before, keeping you in the back burner in case she doesn't find what she's "looking" for. :/ 2
SimonSerenade Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Your not a Moran, your human, it's not unnatural for you to still want to be with her and still feel close to her, she abused the crap out of you, mentally of course, there's an old saying, the abused always return to the abuser, Don't be that guy, have some self respect, as hard as it is because I know right now you'd love her to groom your ego and boost your self esteem and right now I bet you feel like she's the only one who can, just like anybody in a relationship, they want to feel like they mean something. Your not going to that from her but hell you sound like a real nice guy who's in touch with his feelings, don't you think you deserve someone who can cherish those feelings?. Betrayal like that can never be forgotten, maybe in time it could be forgiven but damn it would take some huge amount of effort on her part, do you think she's capable of that sort of effort?, she doesn't sound like it, you might not forget these feelings any time soon and they might haunt you for a little while but if you keep her around they'll always hurt you and she'll always find ways to hurt you. You got to put your foot down man, you got to tell her to leave you alone, you don't deserve to be put through this, nobody does, it's human cruelty, if she comes back she comes back but she's got to be genuine and she's got a lot of making up to do, personally I wouldn't ever take her back but that would be your decision, right now I think the best thing you could do is give her space, give her time to **** up her new relationship and realie what she's done. Improve yourself, go to the gym, work out, do things you love, find yourself and finally take some time and think about what you want out of life and the kind of person you want in your life. I wish you well dude.
Compromize Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) I feel like a moron to be honest because I should know better. In my heart I can feel im getting taken for a ride, im just so damn afraid to put my foot down because I feel like I'd be making a mistake. I think we have all felt this way. It's tough when your heart (and other parts of your body) scream out for them and your brain says "what the hell do you think you are doing?!!" You got to put your foot down man, you got to tell her to leave you alone, you don't deserve to be put through this, nobody does, it's human cruelty, if she comes back she comes back but she's got to be genuine and she's got a lot of making up to do, personally I wouldn't ever take her back but that would be your decision, right now I think the best thing you could do is give her space, give her time to **** up her new relationship and realie what she's done. I agree with what SimonSerenade is saying. The one part I am not sure about is the telling her to leave you alone part. I think that just not responding to her unless it's in person because you have to, she shows up or something, speaks more than telling them directly. Just my opinion though from my own experience of being on the side of no response to me. Let her stew, mess with her mind, wondering why you won't just reply to her like you always have. Anyway, keep your chin up bro. Time is the only weapon we have in this NC battle. Edited March 17, 2013 by Compromize
Author mrpatient Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I've spent the past month and a half (that's how long it's been since the break up) working on myself, going to the gym, finishing school, etc etc, and it's still pretty rough. We're both dating (so I can't put all the blame on her for putting me on the back burner because i'm essentially doing the same thing), but nothing too serious on my end yet. I realize nothing can become serious until I tie her loose end up. I spend most of my day being as busy as possible, but when the day winds down, that's when I'm most vulnerable. Im still polite to her, and the sad part is we still hang out (we both admitted that we're "having our cake and eating it too" because we're both dating different people, yet still shagging....I know, it's messed up). NC is extermely difficult
Damaged23 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Oh, man!! What are you doing to yourself? Dating someone and still hanging out with your ex who is also dating someone? That's just wrog. I dont think the people you guys are dating deserve this. How would you feel if you were the girl you're dating? If you're gonna continue behind your ex's ass, please leave the other girl. That's f*** ed up.
Author mrpatient Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 No they don't, I wholeheartedly agree it's messed up. I'm far from perfect and this is a smudge on my history i'd love to erase.
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