Humatvalve Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Before I begin...I only ask that those who are old enough to understand somewhat of what I am going through and also request an honest opinion in the matter. So, let me begin and I will give you both sides because of my honesty in this situation. This will be kind of long so patience here is the key! I'm 44 and she is 41. I was never married but was in a relationship for 18 years and had 2 children with my ex spouse, that ended when she cheated on me back July 2011. My current girlfriend was married and divorced after 16 years that ended in a very nasty way in which she has 4 children. She also had a relationship with a guy for 2 1/2 yrs that ended in may 2011. Both her and I have known each other for over 30 years as we met when we were kids back in 1980..anyway, back in October 2011 she contacted me when she found out that I was a single man and ask me on a date. The date went very well and for the first time in my life, I got to see who she really was at heart. It made me melt and I cannot express enough how thankful I am for her being a part of my life today. Over the course of the last year, both her and I have gone through some very rough times. Me, I was involved in an auto accident that totaled my truck, was laid off from work last march and I had no car and my ex moved to Virginia with both my children from New Jersey where I lived. My current girlfriend lost her brother last march, her ex boyfriend was killed in April and her mother past away last may....as you can see, these burdens are very high. In turn of these burdens, we decided to take a break from our relationship so that we can both concentrate on our current events in life. From April 2012 till September 2012 we used the no contact rule. It hurt me greatly and I was a mess for the first 3 weeks of it. However, she made contact with me in September...so, I asked her to join me for dinner at a place next to the ocean. After dinner we walked the beach and talked...this in turn made the sparks fly again between us and we decided to give it another shot. Everything was working out fine until November 2012. In November her and I were talking on the phone and she had talked about me moving into her house in Philadelphia after I had gotten custody of my daughter. The day I was granted custody, she had backed out and told me it was cold feet. At first I was a little annoyed because of the priorities I had to change in order to make the move. I had my daughters transcripts move from jersey to Philly, I had purchased a rental truck from unadulterated and was getting things packed at the time she changed her mind. I then started looking for my own apartment and in December she again said that she still wanted to know if I would be interested in moving in....I was kind of weary about it and thought on it a bit and asked questions to make sure she was really ready for it to happen. So, I again agreed to move in. However, she again changed her mind...in turn I became very frustrated with her and basically told her that she couldn't keep playing these games with me...so we didn't talk for days. I was able to finally find a place in PA in December and signed the lease on the 16th...I went to her house which was on 20 minutes away to let her know...only to find a guy friend over having dinner with her and her kids. When she seen me...her first words to me were "you shouldn't be here" and asked me to leave. I was very hurt by this and just left as she did request for me to leave and that she would talk to me soon. I didn't call her and 3 days later she called me and apologized for what I had seen and said he only came over for dinner and that was it! So, I of course forgave her for it. However, not to make it sound as she is a bad person, but I have done some hurt in this too. I have this problem that if I know she is going through some sort of burden...I cannot tell her much about mine...not lying, but omitting! I know it's a wrong things to do, but under certain areas I didn't want her to worry about my problems on top of hers. This past January, I lost my new car on a repo cause I was out of a job, in February I lost my apartment cause I was out of a job and had no way of paying for it that was on a Monday. The Friday before that she had text me and said she was heading to her sons birthday party at the skating rink and asked me how I was feeling, since I was sick for the last couple of days, however emmidiately after that text came through another came through "wanna come over later Charlie bean?"....I took a screen shot of it and sent it to her....she texted back and stated that she never sent such text from her phone to anyone that says that!...for some reason I was finding it hard to believe that she would lie about it since I had solid proof. So I became very angry and said many things that I do regret! That entire weekend was an absolutely mess. A few days before that we went out to have a drink and she passed out while I was giving her oral...this angered me cause I couldn't understand how some one could just fall asleep since she loves it when I give her oral. I may have taken my words to far and I realize that. Needless to say...this past Friday night I told her I wanted to go to dinner and maybe see a movie and she said ok. She already worked her day job and she had to work her second job as well. So by the time she was able to pick me up from my apartment was around 10pm. When she arrived, I noticed something different cause she was really lovey dovey as soon as I got into the car....kissing me and saying how much she missed me...very weird cause she hasn't done that in some time. I was almost sure that she had a couple of drinks in her too, and I questioned her. But she insisted she went to work. So we ended going to meet a few of her friends for some drinks. There was this one guy that came in that is part of her clan...he came in and got a beer and within 5 minutes he left. There was a secret conversation going on with one of her girl friends that I couldn't make out, but the name of mark. There were two mark there and one is married. The guy who left is also named mark...I started to become uneasy at this point but was able to brush it off. Everyone left and her and I headed to her house. I had about 5 beers and she had about 4 beers that were 10%. When we got back to her place we started having sex...but then she started to fall asleep...this alone made me very annoyed! I basically spaded out verbally and regret it because I realized that I didn't take into consideration that she worked from 9 that morning and went to another job that she didnt leave till 930 that night...then the beer that she consumed. I was thinking at that time and I kinda felt as if my actions were a bit selfish...I agree! Now, she went out to a party last night and I haven't heard from her since Saturday morning when she left for work. I text her this morning and text her what I always say every single morning for the last year and a half "Good Morning Beautiful"...she normally responds...however, this morning she didnt...not saying this is the first time tho! Anyway, I know I have my issues and she also has her issues...but I am stuck cause I don't know what's going on with her....red flags are starting to pop up out of no where and I want to know if it's me or is there really something going on. Is she cheating? Is she not ready for a full commuter relationship? I need answers on what to do!!! Thank you for your response in advance.....sorry this was long!!
Author Humatvalve Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Need more input here people...I came here for some insight of what I should do! One person is not enough!
Roadkill007 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 The part that really got me suspicious here is the "you shouldn't be here". The phrasing of that makes me feel like you are the other guy : maybe even a backup plan. I'd understand busy schedule, but considering she has the time to have "friends" over and time to go to parties, the fact that you keep getting pushed aside when something comes up, makes me think you're not a priority here. Now I could just be paranoid here since I understand that sometimes when you're stressed with things you just don't want to deal with certain things, but this whole situation stinks of ****. Regardless of what could be happening or what could be wrong, you need to sit down with her and have a talk about everything. One that doesn't involve someone walking out after an emotional outburst. Don't let your suspicions or fears surface : try to be as logical and understanding as possible while trying to comprehend what's going on with her. You can't let things just keep going down this way. Either she has someone else or something's going on to stress her to a point where she doesn't want to deal with the uncertainties of starting to live together. In both cases, you need to know what's going on and need to reaffirm your place as a priority in her life. P.S. Your post was honestly really hard to piece together. You bounce around back and forth a lot and go on a lot of unneeded tangents. I think you need some time to sit down and think about the whole situation if you can't even properly communicate your own problems. Get your thoughts in order before you go talk to her.
TaraMaiden Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Need more input here people...I came here for some insight of what I should do! One person is not enough! Actually, that's where you're wrong: Trust me - this is all the input you need. Dump the chick and move on without her. There is no reason to go through mental gymnastics to have a relationship. bentnotbroken is 100% on the money.
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