Her issues or was it me?

[Ready36]

Today, i'm feeling pretty heartbroken to be honest. I was in a relationship for about 6.5 months, that ended in October. We became "official" after about 3 months. We had told each other we loved one another. She had told me that she hadn't felt this way about someone in years, and didn't think she would have been able to feel that way about someone again.

 

She was just turning 23, I was 28 turning 29. Some background, she started a relationship at 17 that lasted 3 years and ended with the guy cheating on her. After that time, she only had from what I understand casual sexual relationships with guys that didn't really mean anything. The last guy before me was very bad news. Treated her like crap, got her drunk one night and didn't tell her he wasn't wearing protection - she got pregnant, and had to have an abortion and counselling. I also know that her dad left her when she was young and has a new family and no contact with her, except now and again he sends her and her sister horrible messages. The last I kno of saying he was "ashamed" of them. Her best friend had also moved away just a few months before and became distant.

 

I played it mr cool for a time, but fell for this girl. I was very good to her, looked after her, spolit her.

 

Then one day she ends it. Said she just woke up one day and felt different about me. The attraction (which I know had been very strong) had just gone. We had had an awesome sex life. She is a very sexual person, I know that. But she said the last time we had sex it felt "awkward" for her. She said there was a second thing - that when we met she wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship and about a month or so before her feelings changed she had doubts about whether she was ready.

 

Now, I did say things to her like I felt lucky to have met her, told her that she meant a lot to me and that I didn't know what I would do without her, so she knew I was into her. She said that things had maybe got to comfortable, but that she didn't really know why she felt differently. She said I was "the perfect boyfriend" that she knows she has issues and that she just wanted to be by herself.

 

We agreed no contact, which I did break and there was an unfortunate meet on a night out when I was drunk and didn't handle myself to well unfortunately. I saw her with a guy she had just started dating (and since ended things with). She sent me the below e-mail (in response to mine) 31st January.

 

I have however just learnt that about 3 weeks after sending this she started dating a guy (a friend of her sisters, a real good looking fella) and just yesterday (so 6 weeks after sending this e-mail and just 3 weeks after she started seeing him!!!!) I see a facebook status "in as relationship". The below sounded sincere:

 

 

 

Thanks for your email. Just for the record you don’t need to explain yourself to me, I know you probably don’t understand or believe me when I say you did nothing wrong, but, you really did nothing wrong. I know the typical saying ‘its not you, its me’ never washes with people but believe me it is true. Of course I was really attracted to you, had such strong feelings for you, had such a good laugh with you and always enjoyed being in your company but I don’t think I wanted to be in a relationship, so for that, I apologise. I know I have a few ‘issues’ (I HATE that word haha) that I need to sort out. I liked the fact you were a caring person m*** and in all honesty you acted exactly the same as any other decent boyfriend in the world….. it wasn’t the way you acted….it was me!!!

 

I am pleased you have started dating again, and I really do hope you find a girl that wants the same things as you because you deserve it. Even after the NYE episode I have never felt inclined to say a bad word against you, my family and my friends know you to be ‘the lovely boyfriend I once had’ – I was just in a bit of a weird place and still am. As much as you probably wont believe me, I am not dating…. That guy you ‘met’ on NYE was nothing (not to mention he turned out to be a nasty piece of work) but my point is…..i didn’t finish our relationship to find someone ‘more exciting’ ‘better’, I finished it because its not what I wanted with ANYONE! I am struggling with a lot of stuff at the moment and I am happier being by myself and being in relationships with my friends – especially charlotte (we are going out on valentines day haha).

 

I have contemplating leaving and going away for a while, have been looking into it these past few weeks….. I am just so sorry you have been sat there wanting to apologise or explain yourself. You don’t need to do that with me…. You shouldnt change yourself or justify who you are because quite frankly, you really are one of the good ones and one in a million and any girl is lucky to have you – I rarely say that about the s***e I have dated, in fact normally the opposite, but with you I mean it!!! It’s a good thing I ended our relationship when I did because I wouldn’t have wanted you to be with me when im the way I am at the moment, it would not have been fair on you.

 

Anyway, I hope things are looking up for you and I really do wish you all the best!! Youre an absolute gem m*** and if you don’t take anything away from this conversation…please PLEASE take away the fact, this was not your fault and you couldn’t have done anything better, you were great just the way you were.

 

X x x

 

 

I now feel like crap, like she wasn't being honest. That maybe it was me and that she started to see me as not boyfriend material when I started to be good to her. I just wanted to be a good boyfriend, especially after knowing what she had been through.

 

I am not going to lie, I know I need to move on but I still have feelings for her.

[drpepper1886]

you get the love you think you deserve. She like my ex with horrible family history and other similar problems I don't believe they think they are capable of being in adult relationships with out having 100% drama/love/hate all the time.

 

Take mark of the red flags and watch out for them next time. I'm a little over 5 months out and am good most of the time, but I still get down from time to time and get a little wistful. But push on through and stay kind to yourself. We'll get through this.

[Ready36]

you get the love you think you deserve. She like my ex with horrible family history and other similar problems I don't believe they think they are capable of being in adult relationships with out having 100% drama/love/hate all the time.

 

Take mark of the red flags and watch out for them next time. I'm a little over 5 months out and am good most of the time, but I still get down from time to time and get a little wistful. But push on through and stay kind to yourself. We'll get through this.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same. I think she has always had drama filled relationships. We never argued once. Ironically she said I was the most stable thing in her life. She said when I saw her NYE that she is struggling with a lot of stuff and didn't think she EVER wanted to have a relationship. Then, she starts seeing this guy and after just 3 weeks of dating him is in a relationship?

 

It sounds to me like she is a mixed up girl who doesn't know what she wants. But then I catch myself thinking, I was I just not good enough?

 

I don't know.....

[drpepper1886]

It sounds to me like she is a mixed up girl who doesn't know what she wants. But then I catch myself thinking, I was I just not good enough?

 

I don't know.....

 

Yes, I've read your story and she is very confused; as is the girl I was dating for 3 years. She said the same things about me. You're plenty good enough. In fact I'm certain she believed you were TOO good and thus made her feel guilty and undeserving. Everyone has their own thoughts and just because you and I can accept them for who they are. It's much harder and longer process for them to accept themselves.

 

It will take them years of work to get through the baggage, if they choose to do so. But you CANNOT wait around for that to happen because it's not guaranteed.

[Thunderchild]

This "I've had bad experiences in the past" is just utter BS - I'm sorry, but it is - it's a cop out, it's an excuse. It's someone who is unable to take responsibility for their choices and decisions in life. It's easier to make excuses and rationalise a whole forest of explanations about why they do what they do.

 

Women (and men) who go out with a-holes do so because they CHOOSE to - simple - at some level they get their kicks from whatever it is the other person gives them. Maybe it's drama or a good old-fashioned "victim complex", but at some level they're getting whatever jollies makes them tick. They are not "trapped" like some powerless victim in a spiral of dysfunction. They are, of course, perfectly rational individuals who are well aware that they can change their behaviour or make different choices. If they wanted to be with kind, decent people then they would be.

 

We then invoke the old phrase - if you go for what you've always gone for, then you'lll get what you've always gotten.

 

To build up this whole mythology of "I've got issues" is just claptrap.

[Ready36]

This "I've had bad experiences in the past" is just utter BS - I'm sorry, but it is - it's a cop out, it's an excuse. It's someone who is unable to take responsibility for their choices and decisions in life. It's easier to make excuses and rationalise a whole forest of explanations about why they do what they do.

 

Women (and men) who go out with a-holes do so because they CHOOSE to - simple - at some level they get their kicks from whatever it is the other person gives them. Maybe it's drama or a good old-fashioned "victim complex", but at some level they're getting whatever jollies makes them tick. They are not "trapped" like some powerless victim in a spiral of dysfunction. They are, of course, perfectly rational individuals who are well aware that they can change their behaviour or make different choices. If they wanted to be with kind, decent people then they would be.

 

We then invoke the old phrase - if you go for what you've always gone for, then you'lll get what you've always gotten.

 

To build up this whole mythology of "I've got issues" is just claptrap.

 

 

Looking back, there were red flags. Little things she said that I just put down to her age - like she doesn't think she wants to get married, doesn't want kids, can't imagine being with someone for the rest of her life.

 

She also said once that "she didn't desrve it" when I did something good for her. And said she did worry that if we didn't work out, that she was worried someone might take advantage of me because of my caring/giving nature. Ironic huh?

 

I think she also has this 'image' of what a man should be. She said towards the end that I was "very cute". I can't help but think that she may be one of these who thinks if a guy is a good, caring guy he isn't a "real man"?

 

Maybe I'm wrong. The result is still the same. I was very good to her, loved her, and she has left me shattered and heartbroken.

[drpepper1886]

This "I've had bad experiences in the past" is just utter BS - I'm sorry, but it is - it's a cop out, it's an excuse. It's someone who is unable to take responsibility for their choices and decisions in life. It's easier to make excuses and rationalise a whole forest of explanations about why they do what they do.

 

Women (and men) who go out with a-holes do so because they CHOOSE to - simple - at some level they get their kicks from whatever it is the other person gives them. Maybe it's drama or a good old-fashioned "victim complex", but at some level they're getting whatever jollies makes them tick. They are not "trapped" like some powerless victim in a spiral of dysfunction. They are, of course, perfectly rational individuals who are well aware that they can change their behaviour or make different choices. If they wanted to be with kind, decent people then they would be.

 

We then invoke the old phrase - if you go for what you've always gone for, then you'lll get what you've always gotten.

 

To build up this whole mythology of "I've got issues" is just claptrap.

 

Completely agree. Everyone 'has issues' but when you make decisions that you are well conscious of in the name of them is just admitting you have problems and also admitting that you don't care that you have problems and have no intention of dealing with them because it's easier to just brush it off as something you can't control.

[Ready36]

It does make me wonder if they consciously hide behind these decisions or if they genuinely do affect the way they think/act subconsciously.

 

I remember one time, something strange she said that just didn't make sense... I had just got dressed and commented that I thought I had lost weight and I heard her say to herself "oh god, things are changing". I was like what? I had told her I had a bit of a complex about my beer belly lol and then a week later she asked me (jokingly) if I was in drugs because I was acting weird. I didn't think I was!

 

 

I don't know if all that was signs she was looking at me differently. I'll never know