targaryen Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Not sure if I should post this here or in the coping forum....I feel like ranting because even though quite some time has passed since the breakup and NC it still feels like I'm on the first week right now! OK so this week I started dating again, six weeks after my 4 year 3 month long relationship ended (not by own choice - she walked away because she fell out of love. Rough.)Anyway. Maybe it's too early, but I feel constantly pressured - by friends, family, internet, my head - to 'get out there'. So I said ok, why not? Even only to get her out of my head. So since last week I've been on the lookout, asked a girl out, and she accepted. Whoa. Not sure I'm up for this. She's cute, and physically my type, but we have nothing in common. I feel 'superior' because I'm better educated, have a better job etc. Why do I feel only attracted to successful women with ambition? They're the kind that always walks away! I'm a mess of contradictions. I say I want casual connections only but in reality I don't..Even though I should have learned my lesson and outwardly say I'm done with long term monogamy for a while, I easily start having feelings - real or more probably imagined - for a girl if she's quirky, imaginative, ambitious. Why am I such a romantic? All I should be looking for is casual dating, maybe some flings (it's what the ex is probably doing)...but I find myself latching on too quickly. So I already ended up confusing the hell out of this girl, by being all uncertain about what I want/ need, instead of not over thinking and just enjoying the ride. So that date's not happening because I 'latched on' too quickly, even though it was a bad idea. Maybe it is too early to date. A four year and three month relationship isn't so casually discarded after a month and a half of no contact, at least by me. I hate that the other person has done that but it's just not who I am. I guess I'm scared of being alone. I'm constantly surrounding myself with people to keep the memories away, and the ache of missing her, buried down during the day, comes back every single night. It doesn't help that I can't even be honest with myself. At least 80% of what I tell others now is a lie, designed to help me avoid the truth. My friends think I moved on and am enjoying my life and don't want to talk about the breakup/my ex. So I don't have an outlet anymore. But when I'm alone that's all I can think about. Maybe I have to face the truth that as a slightly rounded, short (5 ft 2) 'geeky' guy, I'm not attractive, that all the girls I've had a connection with walked away, that I'm weak, too nice, too self-involved. Maybe I should just accept my lot. But I did buy into all the bull****. For a glorious 3 years I thought I had found my soul mate and would spend my life with her. While she was busy slowly slowly detaching herself from 'us'. How the hell didn't I realize? Why do I delude myself in thinking I've found love, every single goddamn time I was in a relationship? And why do I feel like I'm running out of time to find this mythical love? I turned 23 last summer for chrissakes. I should be enjoying myself - not pretending to. I guess I'm a mess, like this post. But loveshack's my only outlet now.
Apolodor Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 And why do I feel like I'm running out of time to find this mythical love? I turned 23 last summer for chrissakes. I should be enjoying myself - not pretending to. For Christ's sake man, you are just 23!! The best years are still ahead of you. Stop taking yourself so seriously and try to enjoy life a bit more. You are making a mountain out of a molehill......
Author targaryen Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Excuse me, but isn't that literally repeating/rephrasing what I just said? Knowing you need to do something doesn't automatically translate to it being easy to do. The question is more 'why can't I stop making this mountain out of a molehill (as you call it)?' Obviously there are no clear answers
Apolodor Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Nobody here will be able to give you clear-cut answers. All we can do is give you some different perspective and help you get a reality check. I understand that it hurts to be dumped by a gf with whom you've been in a long-term relationship, but you are just 23! So you've been with this girl since you were 19. I doubt it that you had any other long-term relationship before that (although I might be wrong). Breakups are part of life and you need to get to know a few girls before you decide on the one who is your soulmate -- if you like using that sort of BS language. What happened to you is not a tragedy, but a blessing in disguise. You are now free to go out and explore...... Just make sure you allow time to heal, although the best way to get over a woman is to replace her memory with a new one. It's never too early to go out and date after a breakup! Just go for the girl you mentioned in your post, don't overthink it. You two may have litttle in common right now, but you might be in for a surprise when you get to know her better. Besides, if she is cute and your type, I think you already have a lot in common...... Best of luck! 1
Author targaryen Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Thanks for your reply/explanation. Yes, I met her and kissed her on the same day we met when I was 19 and she had just turned 18. We were together from that day until the break up - and since then she's been completely gone. You will notice that I said that I believed that I had found 'the one/soulmate' for 3 years, even though the relationship lasted 4.5 years. In the early days of the relationship I also believed that soulmate is bs talk - because I had already been in an (almost) 2 year relationship between the ages of 16 and 18 and had experienced the girl walking away back then too. Back then, she was more into the relationship than I was - I remember her saying that I would be the one to leave (I knew even back then I wouldn't- I never walk away :/) Somewhere in the second year it started to change. I started seeing my future life with her (not marriage, which I don't believe in). As I said, I fall in love too quickly, too fast, and too frequently. And that is what's holding me back from dating this - or any other girl right now. If I replace her memory with the next girl that comes along, I KNOW I'll be posting about the experience of being broken up with here in a few months/years time again. I think it's time go stay out of the dating game completely for a year or two, or only use girls for sex, just like other guys....then maybe I'll be ready to commit again knowing I won't be falling in love just because it's a girl who happens to show me affection on a regular basis. But it's so hard for me to use a woman that way. I guess I care too much, and that's why I get hurt
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