Failing miserably...

[Debbie2508]

Since being dumped and joining here in early January, I've seen people come, get advice, presumably take it.... and move on. Well done to them, that's how it should be done.

 

I feel like a failure. I know what I should be doing but, for whatever reason, I can't / won't do it. I'm aware that people like TaraM ( whose advice, I hasten to add is spot on, and I WISH I had the willpower to follow it) will say "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right",I think that's a great quote, and so true..... but I think I can't ..... and don't know how to change it into I can.

 

I'm so scared to let go of what was the most amazing part of my life . I was with my first, abusive partner for 26 years, finally found the courage to leave him. Was on my own, with my daughter, for 4 years , and loved every minute of it, felt so alive and free, I didn't do much, was just happy to be living in peace . I wasn't even looking for a partner, as I said , I was happy on my own. Then 4 years later I met my ex. We went from friends to lovers, living together and getting engaged. We were so similar in many ways and felt at total ease with oneanother .Neither of us had ever felt in love that way before. He was early 40's, me late 40's.... and we thought against all the odds, we'd both finally found "The One".

 

I won't go into the whole, long story but suffice to say he left me 10 weeks ago. The first month passed by in a blur. Then I had a positive week when I was determined not to think about him. But since then, although I have a few days, here and there , that aren't too bad, I'm generally just an emotional wreck . Crying every day, feel like my life is pointless, feel empty inside etc. I still go to work, because I have to. I play tennis 4 times a week, because its the only thing I'm interested in. Apart from that I just mope around the house longing for the days when we were together.

 

I'm seeing a counsellor, only been twice and don't really know what to expect, but she just listens to me babble on and cry and tells me that I've lost someone I loved a great deal and it will take time to get over it. I understand that. What I don't understand is how to let go of him in my head!!

 

I feel like I failed in the relationship, I'm failing in not recovering from it and I'm failing by having to ask complete strangers to help me. Just feel so lost and alone.

[sb129]

Ten weeks isn't that long a time- give yourself a break!

 

It can take much longer than that for a broken heart to heal.

 

It WILL heal, even if it feels like thats impossible right now. You are getting there slowly- these few weeks are still better than the first four even if its only a tiny bit better, its still a step in the right direction.

 

I'm glad you're still playing tennis- thats good for your sanity.

 

1. You're not failing in not recovering, because you are in the process of recovering. There is no rulebook that says you must get over someone in x amount of weeks.

 

2. You didn't fail in the R- it takes two for a R to break down, and (in the absence of infidelity or severe dishonesty) it can't all be your fault.

 

3. you aren't failing by asking strangers to help you. There are some very wise people on this board, its totally anonymous and its free!

 

You'll get there- be kind to yourself.

[Debbie2508]

Ten weeks isn't that long a time- give yourself a break!

 

It can take much longer than that for a broken heart to heal.

 

It WILL heal, even if it feels like thats impossible right now. You are getting there slowly- these few weeks are still better than the first four even if its only a tiny bit better, its still a step in the right direction.

 

I'm glad you're still playing tennis- thats good for your sanity.

 

1. You're not failing in not recovering, because you are in the process of recovering. There is no rulebook that says you must get over someone in x amount of weeks.

 

2. You didn't fail in the R- it takes two for a R to break down, and (in the absence of infidelity or severe dishonesty) it can't all be your fault.

 

3. you aren't failing by asking strangers to help you. There are some very wise people on this board, its totally anonymous and its free!

 

You'll get there- be kind to yourself.

 

Thanks sb, I know it's still early days, it's just so hard to come to terms with the fact that you spent every day for 2 years with someone, texted all day while at work, shared our lives, our love, our dreams for the future..... and now, nothing!

There was no dishonest or cheating. Basically he'd been told by his 2 teenage children that the only way they would have a rs with him was for him to leave me and move out. He'd been trying everything to see them since we'd been together, but they'd never agree to anything, which made him more and more upset. Came to a head on NYDay this year, he texted them and got no reply and he said he couldn't face another year without them in his life. I came home from work 3 days later to find him packing.

He said "things weren't working with us" and he couldn't cope. Things were great with us , apart from (understandably ) when he'd be down about his kids .

I know he had to make an awful decision , but I feel so hurt and rejected and can't believe he could just give up on us, after all we'd been to each other.

[misswillow]

Hi Debbie,

Although my breakup has not been as long as yours (2 weeks), I am not getting better, probably worse, and I really feel like I won't be feeling better for a long time. All I do is think about him. I go to work, but can't focus, and then come home. I do nothing else and can't imagine doing anything else.

 

We were together 2.5 years, planning to get married, and had all sorts of plans for our future, retirement, etc (we are both early 40s). Like you, we felt we had found The One, and would always talk about how lucky we were to find love like this.

 

And like you, our breakup was because of his kids (they are younger, under 10). We lived together for about a year and a half, and although things were not great between them and me, I didn't think they were all that bad. But things seemed to be getting worse between him and them lately and they never wanted to come over, and I'm sure a lot of that was because of me. Long story short, my ex recently moved out to work on his relationship with them, and that was the beginning of the end. After he moved out, I never saw the kids and I can figure out it was because they didn't want to see me. And I know his ex-wife didn't want them to see me. I don't think he as ever completely honest about what they were saying about me, for fear of hurting me. But a couple days before our breakup he told me that we would have no problems if it weren't for his kids.

 

So anyway, we are in a similar boat. I get angry sometimes that he is letting his two little kids run his life, instead of fighting for us. But I know how important it is for him to have a good relationship with them, that he will do anything to have that apparently.

 

I honestly believe that I will never find anything like this again, and I'm not sure I want to try. This has destroyed me, and I can't risk ever going through something like this again. So I don't have any wise words for you, just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. Although I do have to say that I think it is a good sign that you are playing tennis. I like to run and workout, but I can't even think about doing that right now. I do the bare minimum I have to to get by each day, and I even find that exhausting.

 

Just curious - have you gone NC or have you talked to your ex since the breakup? Is part of the difficulty in moving on the hope that he will change his mind?

[Coping Vortex]

Since being dumped and joining here in early January, I've seen people come, get advice, presumably take it.... and move on. Well done to them, that's how it should be done.

 

I feel like a failure. I know what I should be doing but, for whatever reason, I can't / won't do it. I'm aware that people like TaraM ( whose advice, I hasten to add is spot on, and I WISH I had the willpower to follow it) will say "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right",I think that's a great quote, and so true..... but I think I can't ..... and don't know how to change it into I can.

 

I'm so scared to let go of what was the most amazing part of my life . I was with my first, abusive partner for 26 years, finally found the courage to leave him. Was on my own, with my daughter, for 4 years , and loved every minute of it, felt so alive and free, I didn't do much, was just happy to be living in peace . I wasn't even looking for a partner, as I said , I was happy on my own. Then 4 years later I met my ex. We went from friends to lovers, living together and getting engaged. We were so similar in many ways and felt at total ease with oneanother .Neither of us had ever felt in love that way before. He was early 40's, me late 40's.... and we thought against all the odds, we'd both finally found "The One".

 

I won't go into the whole, long story but suffice to say he left me 10 weeks ago. The first month passed by in a blur. Then I had a positive week when I was determined not to think about him. But since then, although I have a few days, here and there , that aren't too bad, I'm generally just an emotional wreck . Crying every day, feel like my life is pointless, feel empty inside etc. I still go to work, because I have to. I play tennis 4 times a week, because its the only thing I'm interested in. Apart from that I just mope around the house longing for the days when we were together.

 

I'm seeing a counsellor, only been twice and don't really know what to expect, but she just listens to me babble on and cry and tells me that I've lost someone I loved a great deal and it will take time to get over it. I understand that. What I don't understand is how to let go of him in my head!!

 

I feel like I failed in the relationship, I'm failing in not recovering from it and I'm failing by having to ask complete strangers to help me. Just feel so lost and alone.

 

Deb you and I have shared our stories with each other. Although we might all be strangers we share the common bond of having our worlds torn apart by our ex's. even though we are all from different parts of the world and ages and backgrounds we all do share that one common bond. So in that way we are not strangers so don't feel embarrassed to let out your feelings to anyone on this site. There are a few that give tough love and they have already been through it and got to the other side. Their advice seems harsh and not what we want to hear right now so we choose to ignore it, rightly so. But there still many of us that are still in the thick of it. Harsh rhetoric is not what we need right now. That advice will fall of deaf ears. We need to vent, plain and simple.

 

Sometimes LS is all we have. I know I have exhausted all my friends ears as to what happed and how I think and feel now. It's funny in the beginning their advice is to tell you your ex will come back or how to get them back. After awhile even the best of friends will tell you to get over it.

 

I suspect like you until I can get there I need to vent, to express, to emote. Only on LS can I do that with "friends" that truly understand. So in that way we are not all strangers since we share this common bond of heartache.

 

I wish most of us could talk live so we can really let our feelings out. Writing here on LS while somewhat therapeutic is still not the same as sharing your feelings directly with another human being experiencing the same thing.

 

That being said I try to have some hope for the future. I am stubborn and tend not to let go of lost loves even after years but I do take solace in others that have been through it. I have a friend who husband left her for a 19 year old he is 41. She tried to commit suicide twice when she was grieving but after a year she is in a good place and very happy. Another's husband left her and she was distraught for a good year but today is in love with someone new and blissfully happy. Those stories give me hope. That is all we have right now is hope that we heal.

[Coping Vortex]

Thanks sb, I know it's still early days, it's just so hard to come to terms with the fact that you spent every day for 2 years with someone, texted all day while at work, shared our lives, our love, our dreams for the future..... and now, nothing!

There was no dishonest or cheating. Basically he'd been told by his 2 teenage children that the only way they would have a rs with him was for him to leave me and move out. He'd been trying everything to see them since we'd been together, but they'd never agree to anything, which made him more and more upset. Came to a head on NYDay this year, he texted them and got no reply and he said he couldn't face another year without them in his life. I came home from work 3 days later to find him packing.

He said "things weren't working with us" and he couldn't cope. Things were great with us , apart from (understandably ) when he'd be down about his kids .

I know he had to make an awful decision , but I feel so hurt and rejected and can't believe he could just give up on us, after all we'd been to each other.

 

Deb that is the toughest thing to deal with. Outside forces that burden a relationship. It feels worse when when two people split up not because they don't love each other but because if an outside issue unrelated to how someone feels for the other person. It's frustrating because you feel a relationship that does not have that burden could survive. Unfortunately as you get older in life marriage, kids job stresses all add to the burden of keeping a relationship going unlike when you are younger where the bigger issue tends to be GIGS.

 

I know if I could have made an important move in my relationship I could be with my ex right now. Too any outside forces against me. My ex found someone else because of it. We were totally in love at the time of the BU.

 

That being said I got some good advice from a friend that made sense. If that person truly loved you deep down inside there is no way they could let you go. No way. That struck me hard. I know there was not much in the face of outside forces that would have made me leave my ex. Sure things to be worked out, situations to be addressed, but no way would I have walked away.

 

So what does that say about our ex's? Did they really love us enough? If so there is no way they could have let us go. Anything could be worked out. Maybe we were wrong to think how much they really loved us deep down inside.

[Debbie2508]

Hi Debbie,

Although my breakup has not been as long as yours (2 weeks), I am not getting better, probably worse, and I really feel like I won't be feeling better for a long time. All I do is think about him. I go to work, but can't focus, and then come home. I do nothing else and can't imagine doing anything else.

 

We were together 2.5 years, planning to get married, and had all sorts of plans for our future, retirement, etc (we are both early 40s). Like you, we felt we had found The One, and would always talk about how lucky we were to find love like this.

 

And like you, our breakup was because of his kids (they are younger, under 10). We lived together for about a year and a half, and although things were not great between them and me, I didn't think they were all that bad. But things seemed to be getting worse between him and them lately and they never wanted to come over, and I'm sure a lot of that was because of me. Long story short, my ex recently moved out to work on his relationship with them, and that was the beginning of the end. After he moved out, I never saw the kids and I can figure out it was because they didn't want to see me. And I know his ex-wife didn't want them to see me. I don't think he as ever completely honest about what they were saying about me, for fear of hurting me. But a couple days before our breakup he told me that we would have no problems if it weren't for his kids.

 

So anyway, we are in a similar boat. I get angry sometimes that he is letting his two little kids run his life, instead of fighting for us. But I know how important it is for him to have a good relationship with them, that he will do anything to have that apparently.

 

I honestly believe that I will never find anything like this again, and I'm not sure I want to try. This has destroyed me, and I can't risk ever going through something like this again. So I don't have any wise words for you, just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. Although I do have to say that I think it is a good sign that you are playing tennis. I like to run and workout, but I can't even think about doing that right now. I do the bare minimum I have to to get by each day, and I even find that exhausting.

 

Just curious - have you gone NC or have you talked to your ex since the breakup? Is part of the difficulty in moving on the hope that he will change his mind?

 

Hi misswillow

 

Sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation. I never met my ex's kids,but,because he left their mother for me,they refused to have anything to do with me.Fair enough,their choice....but,there was no reason for them not to see their father. He tried everything,but they,along with their mother,knew that if they could holdout long enough,they'd come between us and split us up. It's a very difficult situation for both our ex's to be in. My children are grown up now,but I don't think I could have chosen a man over them when they were younger. It just angers me that it seems to have been treated as a game by some!!

 

Like you, I dont think I'll ever find anyone I could have those feelings for again......nor could I risk the utter despair I now feel,ever again. I've never felt so lost,alone and dead inside.

 

I've broken NC a few times and although he always replies,he has never instigated contact.His way of deling with anything painful is to block it out,which he does very sucessfully. Yes,if I'm honest,I do wish he'd change his mind.....but,I wish I didn't wish that!! My head knows that it can't work,but my heart's a different matter.

 

How about you....have you had contact with your ex?

[Debbie2508]

Deb that is the toughest thing to deal with. Outside forces that burden a relationship. It feels worse when when two people split up not because they don't love each other but because if an outside issue unrelated to how someone feels for the other person. It's frustrating because you feel a relationship that does not have that burden could survive. Unfortunately as you get older in life marriage, kids job stresses all add to the burden of keeping a relationship going unlike when you are younger where the bigger issue tends to be GIGS.

 

I know if I could have made an important move in my relationship I could be with my ex right now. Too any outside forces against me. My ex found someone else because of it. We were totally in love at the time of the BU.

 

That being said I got some good advice from a friend that made sense. If that person truly loved you deep down inside there is no way they could let you go. No way. That struck me hard. I know there was not much in the face of outside forces that would have made me leave my ex. Sure things to be worked out, situations to be addressed, but no way would I have walked away.

 

So what does that say about our ex's? Did they really love us enough? If so there is no way they could have let us go. Anything could be worked out. Maybe we were wrong to think how much they really loved us deep down inside.

 

Hey Coping

 

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head,and that's what's so hard to face up to.......the thought that he didn't actually love me as much as he said/I thought he did. It makes me feel physically sick to think that and maybe that's one of the reasons I can't move on....cos I don't wanna face up to stuff that hurts?!

[Coping Vortex]

Hey Coping

 

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head,and that's what's so hard to face up to.......the thought that he didn't actually love me as much as he said/I thought he did. It makes me feel physically sick to think that and maybe that's one of the reasons I can't move on....cos I don't wanna face up to stuff that hurts?!

 

i think that is what paralyzes all of us. It's just surreal that two people can be so blissfully happy one minute. And apart the next. It doesn't make sense to us that they dont want to keep feeling that bliss. And with us who they claimed they pledged their love to.

 

How can this be? Why don't they feel the same? Questions we will never get answers to.

[misswillow]

Hi misswillow

 

Sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation. I never met my ex's kids,but,because he left their mother for me,they refused to have anything to do with me.Fair enough,their choice....but,there was no reason for them not to see their father. He tried everything,but they,along with their mother,knew that if they could holdout long enough,they'd come between us and split us up. It's a very difficult situation for both our ex's to be in. My children are grown up now,but I don't think I could have chosen a man over them when they were younger. It just angers me that it seems to have been treated as a game by some!!

 

Like you, I dont think I'll ever find anyone I could have those feelings for again......nor could I risk the utter despair I now feel,ever again. I've never felt so lost,alone and dead inside.

 

I've broken NC a few times and although he always replies,he has never instigated contact.His way of deling with anything painful is to block it out,which he does very sucessfully. Yes,if I'm honest,I do wish he'd change his mind.....but,I wish I didn't wish that!! My head knows that it can't work,but my heart's a different matter.

 

How about you....have you had contact with your ex?

 

We had NC for about two weeks, then a couple of days ago I sent him an email because there were a couple of things I felt I had to say. Mostly I wanted him to know that I really wanted things to work with the kids and I would have kept trying. I sometimes think he felt that I just didn't really want to be around them and that's why we hadn't developed a close relationship as he wanted for us. The reality was that often I felt like an outsider around them, and when I feel insecure like that, I sometimes emotionally shut down from the situation. He responded with a nice, but sad, email -- this has been very difficult for him but he has to concentrate on the kids, and he felt out "differences" were affecting us. Although we did have some differences, I don't think they were enough to break up over. I know it was mostly about the kids. He still hasn't told me to this day that they didn't like me or didn't want to see me, but I can figure it out. He told me recently his daughter said, "You broke mom's heart because you wanted to find another girl." And me being that "girl," I could imagine how she felt about me as she started to figure this out. We didn't meet until after he was divorced, but I don't know if that matters to a little girl.

 

I feel like my ex thought he could leave his wife, and then find another woman who could just slip into that mother-type role, and he could have the happy family he always wanted. But it didn't work that way. His relationship with his kids deteriorated after he left, and my relationship with them didn't really develop into what he wanted. And I guess his love for me was not strong enough to put in the work to make things better, and accept that it might not be perfect, but feel that it would still be worth it. I guess that's what we are all having such a hard time accepting about our BUs.

 

And unfortunately, I will have to have a little more contact to tie up some financial loose ends. And he's coming by to pick up his stuff, but asked me to leave it outside. Which hurt to hear, because it's obvious he doesn't want to see me, although in my head I know that's for the best. He also told me that he feels that eventually we will both feel that this was the right decision. I hope I feel that someday, but I tend to doubt it.

 

I'm trying to get in to see a therapist, and am going to talk to my dr about an antidepressant, because I honestly have never felt so sad and hopeless in my life. I'm hoping these things will help, even a little.

[Debbie2508]

It's very difficult when children are involved. They're upset for themselves obviously, that their father has left, and they also feel the need to take their mothers "side", which I can understand. But, I also feel the mother should tell the kids that their dad still loves them and that he ( and his new partner) are still going to be in their lives. The mother should not, as my ex's ex did , and tell them "your dad doesn't love us, your dad's abandoned us " etc. That was never the case. Relate even told him that he hadn't just gone the extra mile to have a rs with his kids , he'd gone the extra hundred miles! But, a woman scorned....!

 

I'm seeing a therapist and taking anti depressants but have seen no change so far. But then, as my 22yr old daughter said "Mum, if you're determined to be depressed over that ****er, then no tablets in the world are gonna help you!"

I think she has a point!!

[misswillow]

It's very difficult when children are involved. They're upset for themselves obviously, that their father has left, and they also feel the need to take their mothers "side", which I can understand. But, I also feel the mother should tell the kids that their dad still loves them and that he ( and his new partner) are still going to be in their lives. The mother should not, as my ex's ex did , and tell them "your dad doesn't love us, your dad's abandoned us " etc. That was never the case. Relate even told him that he hadn't just gone the extra mile to have a rs with his kids , he'd gone the extra hundred miles! But, a woman scorned....!

 

I'm seeing a therapist and taking anti depressants but have seen no change so far. But then, as my 22yr old daughter said "Mum, if you're determined to be depressed over that ****er, then no tablets in the world are gonna help you!"

I think she has a point!!

 

Yes, I think I'm hoping for a magic bullet, like a therapist or a pill, to make me feel better. But I've never taken a BU so badly, and I usually take them badly! I just keep waiting for the day that I can force myself to do something besides going to work.

 

My ex and I have broken up before for the same reason, and I know he has also been miserable (and changed his mind in the past, although I don't believe he will this time). However, he can be very good at being cold and distant to try to deal with things, which it sounds like your ex is doing. I try to take comfort in the fact that he is probably hurting now too, and this isn't all easy for him, but I'm sure he's taking it better than me. He is Mr. Social Butterfly, and will be out and about trying to get his mind off of it. Whereas, I am more introverted and just tend to wallow.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this too, but it is nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes it seems like everywhere you go, everyone has someone and is happy (although I know it isn't really true). I guess it's true that misery loves company.

[Debbie2508]

Our stories are very similar. My ex left me after 10 weeks together, to return to his family as he couldn't cope with the guilt. He lasted there 5 weeks and then came back to me and said he simply couldn't live without me. We lasted 18 months before he left in January.

 

Like you, I'm sure he won't be back this time. And we both know, deep down, that we shouldn't take them back, even if they did. And, yes, I believe they're hurting too and it was an agonising choice for them to have to make. But the 2 things I find hard to take are 1. that it was their decision to be with us in the first place, we didn't hold a gun to their heads, and 2. they get to look forward to having their kids back in their lives.....don't get me wrong, I'm happy that one good thing will have come from this mess... he needs them, and they need him.

But we seem to have become "collateral damage" and somehow have to get on with our lives without our lover and best friend, and with little to look forward to.

 

I guess we can only wallow for so long. I don't know about you, but I really can't see the point of forcing ourselves to do stuff we're not interested in doing. At least we're both still going to work. I'm lucky that I have tennis 3-4 times a week and I always go, even if I think I'm not in the mood. As soon as I get there and start whacking the balls around, I feel better.... for a couple hours at least.

 

Yes, it's reassuring to know that others are in a similar position, even tho I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.

I'll be misery and you can be company..... or vice versa.

But not forever......

[misswillow]

Yes, our stories are very similar. My ex had actually told me a few days before he ended it that he knew he couldn't live without me because he had already tried that. I guess those were empty words. During that conversation, he was asking me to be patient with the situation because I couldn't understand why I hadn't even seen the kids in so long, but he turned out to be the impatient one.

 

I do agree with you that we shouldn't force ourselves to do things we don't really want to, I guess I'm hoping one day I will wake up and there will be something I want to do. I don't have a lot of friends who aren't busy with their husbands and kids, and I don't really want to be around that right now. I'm realizing how I made my ex basically my whole life, which I know is a mistake, but I just loved being with him. We always said how we were happiest just being with each other, and we never got sick of each other. Now I see how empty my life is without him. If I dare to ever date again (which is a big question mark), I have to make sure I still have my own life and interests (once I get some).

 

You are right that we shouldn't take our exes back even if they tried. They've both already done this to us before, and how could we ever know they wouldn't do it again despite all the promises? I was willing to put our relationship on hold and not move forward while he worked on his relationship with his kids, even being ok with him moving out, but that still wasn't enough. I believe that if two people love each other enough, there should always be a way to make it work, even if it takes time, patience, and work. But you need two people to feel that way and be willing to find solutions.

 

I'm also trying to focus on some of the negatives with the relationship. I often worried that he had a drinking problem, and I didn't really like his personality when he was drinking, so I feel some relief that I don't have to deal with that anymore. He was also still like a kid in some ways, and I was definitely the more responsible one. He said he liked that about me, but I think he sometimes wished I was just more carefree.

 

Are there any negatives about your ex that you think about? I think it may be helpful to remember these aspects of the relationship too, and not always remember it through rose-colored glasses (as I tend to do). Obviously we now don't have to deal with all the drama with the kids and ex-wives. I'm sure it was hurtful for you to have never met your ex's kids, and know that there were probably terrible things being said about you.

 

Well, another weekend almost over, and a whole week to face...