My boyfriend is driving me insane.

[ccole93]

Hi, all! I'm a nineteen year old college student currently attending pre-veterinary school. I will be attending Ross University for my doctorate. Needles too say, I have my **** in one sock and have strong aspirations for my life.

 

I've been dating the same guy steady for nearly two and a half years. We went to high school together but never talked and he randomly messaged me one day. We hit it off--I mean, I've never gotten along so well with someone. He has become my best friend, love, and my anchor. Of course, dating for so long takes it's toll. We got along very well up until... probably last summer. It's gotten worse and worse. He loves belittling me in front of his friend, which I do not put up with. I usually retort and insult him as well because I hate feeling like I'm being stepped on, so he passive-aggressively insists he was joking and I'm blowing it out of proportion. We've been breaking up repeatedly over the past few months.

 

Both of have been unfaithful. I cheated on him with a guy I worked with--this isn't the same guy I'll mention later on--who I had strong feelings for. I lost my virginity to rape but I like to say I lost it to my boyfriend. Anyway, I was curious and it was stupid of me. I apologized, he cried a lot, yada yada, we got over it like most people do. A few months ago I found out he cheated on me after I cheated on him! He BERATED ME for months over my infidelity so I was outraged that he hid his from me. The other woman told me all about it and I wanted to die.

 

Recently, we had a severe break up that seemed to be the end. We talked. He told me I'm not affectionate and it's like dating a wall. I agree with him but he knew how I was from the beginning. I've always been painfully shy, I hate talking about my feelings, and I don't do romance. I have never had a best friend, male or female. I don't like to sit around and talk about nothing. He told me I date like a man but I think I'm more or a robot. Sad thing is, I know I have feelings, but I do not know how or when to express them. It makes me very uncomfortable.

 

I guess I should throw in that I was a victim of sexual assault several months before we met. One of my coworkers kidnapped me and held me hostage at his home overnight. That has done nothing but intensify my shyness and inability to relate to people. I was selected for my quiet reservation. I told no one and will carry the secret to my grave. I told my boyfriend and he was very understanding but he will never truly understand.

 

Sex is excruciating. I've been to five different OBGYNs and none of them can find anything wrong. I try to relax, I try everything people suggest and nothing helps. He claimed he loved me and sex doesn't matter but I can tell he gets more and more frustrated by the day. Any man would.

 

I think he resents me and it's coming out as petty insults and misguided rage. I'm trying to so hard to be touchy and kissy but it just isn't me. He makes zero effort to improve himself. I'm okay with being alone--after many sleepless nights and waking nightmares, I have come to terms with the fact that my body is broken. I'm not sure why he continues to stay with me when he's obviously so unhappy that he can't resist being a complete jerk.

 

I'm tired of trying to keep everything together while he refuses to change. I'm still young and like I said, not really worried about being alone. I've been alone my entire life. These past two years were wonderful but I think relationships just aren't worth the stress. People aren't worth the stress. Lol, I guess I'm answering my own questions here.

Edited March 17, 2013 by ccole93

[zanzi]

I think you need to get counseling for the things you mentioned that happened to you. You have problems in your mind and body that you need to address. Often, when you have been sexually assaulted it can lead to sexual disfunction.

You have mentally put a band aid on very serious problems which in the long term will leave you with a limp.

While you can't come to terms with your own feelings and your self, it will be impossible for you to show and feelings or affection to somebody else. You relationship with yourself must be healed before you can be with someone else.

 

 

You might be able to have a talk with him and tell him that you have struggled as it sounds like he does not understand anything you have been through.

[iKING]

You have my birthname which is neat.

 

And when I was a kid I wanted to be a vet when I grew up.

 

Kind of weird.

 

Moving on.. It sounds as though your reservations on affection were highly exasperated by the assault. If they weren't already reserved. It can be hard to express oneself, so It's not out if the ordinary to bottle up feelings, but it may be something to work on in the future. Relationships are a two-way street and he could be becoming frustrated or confused by the lack of affection, which lead him to act poorly.

 

Really It's neither parties fault entirely for the relationship not working out the way one might expect it to, it could be worked on, and salvaged, but he's going to have to accept your general perspective/reservations on the matter and you're going to need to try to work through the issues you face with it for it to work out.

 

Otherwise, take some time to be alone, maybe it'll help you open up more and give you an opportunity to try to resolve scars from the past. You might consider seeing a councillor to help you work through it all. There's no reason to spend your life alone though, everybody needs some love from somebody. It can be easy to have a lack of attachment for humans in general after enough time spent alone, trust me, I know, but it isn't entirely beneficial beyond self preservation to do so. Human interaction is a cornerstone of life.